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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think this is ungrateful control freakery?

296 replies

satine · 04/06/2015 22:30

Just saw on social media the happy news that someone has had a baby. Lovely.
Then it says "if you would like to make them a meal, ..."
Again, lovely idea. I used to do this when my friends were having their babies.

But then it turns nasty....
"please go to this website to register"
I click on the link in amazement and it's a website where you register and then pick the days you're going to cater, and then you have to say what you're going to make.
Ok - I guess no-one likes lasagne 6 days on the trot BUT then it goes on to say "all meals must be dairy free. Please use xxx brand of lactose free whatever, not Alpro. Please deliver meals in disposable containers and by 7.30pm each day. Please text to confirm your delivery on the day"
These last bits were actually written by or on behalf of the happy couple, not by the Control Your Friends and Famly website.
I mean I'm all for organisation but whatever happened to being bloody grateful for any help whatsoever and appreciating the time and effort that someone has gone to to make you any meal, even if it is the eighth tuna casserole that week.
Anyway, that's my rant over. AM I being unreasonable?!!

OP posts:
QuinionsRainbow · 05/06/2015 11:40

Just looked at the website. Apparently 5 meals being delivered in the UK today, more thn 3000 in the US (surprise, surprise), a number in the Antipodes and 1 in Israel.

ColdTeaAgain · 05/06/2015 11:52

Fucking hell...

MN has certainly opened my eyes to new levels of grabbiness over the years but this takes the biscuit!

Can understand asking people to cook for you if baby or mum was very poorly post birth but then it would be a bit sad if you had to use a website to ask as family tend to step in!

Since when did having a baby (in normal circumstances) mean you need help with basic tasks like meals? Ffs there is online shopping for food shopping these days and it is hardly going to kill you if you live off oven chips, ready meals and take always for a few days. I am just aghast that anyone can be this lazy and entitled!

I could count on my hands the number of times we have had help since DD came along and she is 2. Family don't live that close, we are constantly busy and tired but we just get on with it as do most people! Makes me wonder how some people even manage to put their pants on in the morning tbh!

Orrery · 05/06/2015 11:56

So, tell us then, what are you making and when are you delivering it - I'm assuming that in the traditional fashion of modern day deliveries that the time texted won't bear any resemblance to the actual day or time of delivery ;)

Sallystyle · 05/06/2015 11:58

How crazy!

When I had mine only MIL cooked me one meal.

I managed to feed all my other children when I had a new baby. My husband could also manage to cook if I didn't feel up to it.

I often wonder what these people will do if they end up with a big family like mine, because if they do you have to get on with it within reason when you have other kids to look after.

Or you plan ahead by freezing meals or getting ready meals in.

I think meals are a lovely idea in times of bereavement or unexpected births (preemie) or illness, but a fucking baby?

BoffinMum · 05/06/2015 12:09

FFS what's wrong with just making yourself a quick omelette? Why does it take a village to feed a couple? What's the dad doing all day?

Orrery · 05/06/2015 12:13

I'm with Worra as well about thoughtful gestures between friends becoming very organized, well commercialized actually, because these 'helpful' websites and things are only someone's Dragon's Den idea.

The thing I like the least about it as well is that it's forceably raising the bar on friendship and social norms for all of us so that you feel very inadequate and socially outcast if you are not signed up to this sort of thing. I never had a glorious lilypad style babyshower event, and although I would have felt uncomfortable having one, I also feel a bit 'last one picked in gym class' for not having had one.

Same with hen dos, 40th birthdays, weddings - I don't like the social pressure to have these huge celebrations where everyone has to pitch in, travel to foreign countries and spend lots of time and money celebrating your life choices, and then have you reciprocate a few years later - just seems to have lost the point a bit.

Badgerwife · 05/06/2015 12:14

I'm amazed at the amount of negativity levelled at this meal-making site.

Don't you like people being nice to you, and yes, even if it's just 'another fucking baby'? My church uses it all the time however it's not arranged by the family and there is no compulsion for anyone to help out. The whole point is to do something nice either when someone has a new baby, or when someone has an accident or a bereavement or anything like that!

I can tell you, it's way easier to set up on the site and have people decide themselves if and when they want to help than try to organise 20-odd people on an excel spreadsheet.

People are funny though, the other day, I saw one that had 'no mince'. That threw me a bit, I cook a lot with mince, and I just imagine they must eat a lot of chicken...

This said, this couple is incredibly picky so the OP is DNBU, that would totally put me off. When I help out, I tend to batch-cook from things my family eats, not create a whole separate thing! So vegan and other more specific dietary requirements would be a bit of a challenge for me.

mindthegap79 · 05/06/2015 12:22

That is HILARIOUS! Direct them to Just Eat. Christ on a bendy bus.

Abraid2 · 05/06/2015 12:26

WHy is it not possible for them to make themselves an omelette and open a bag of salad? Ten minutes!

ElizaPickford · 05/06/2015 12:30

When I had my first baby I had two utterly gorgeous friends who each popped round out of the blue with a lovely hot meal ready to eat. I was so incredibly grateful (and hormonal) that I actually wept, mainly because I was so touched that I knew two people who would spontaneously go out of their way to do something so lovely for me. I think it would have felt a bit less lovely if they had been told what how and when to do it.

OP - I'd sign up to make them a family sized portion of gluten free Humble Pie. Cheeky feckers.

ThatsNotMyCow · 05/06/2015 12:31

I'd like to defend the concept of meals for new parents if not the execution in this case!

My church does a meal rota when someone has had a baby, and it's a nice opportunity to be kind to the new parents in a way that you know will be useful. There's no underlying idea that a new baby makes you incapable of feeding yourself, just a recognition that new parents probably are a bit tired and overwhelmed and that taking a meal round is an opportunity to be kind.

It is organised via a website (not the one in the OP) to make it easier for everyone involved - I'd rather know I'm taking a meal on a day when the parents actually need one, the parents know when they don't have to shop/cook, and organising it via ticking a box on a website means parents don't have to have 14 separate conversations about what to bring when.

I'm not defending grabby wording though, I do think putting lots of restrictions on what and when can get rude.

NathalieM · 05/06/2015 12:34

It seems like a good idea on paper, but the way they've put it across does seem rather rude.

I also don't think they have much of a right to be picky if they're asking for help of this scale. However, if people want to help, they'll help out as they see fit!

BrendaBlackhead · 05/06/2015 12:35

It all breaks down when recipients become entitled. I remember when a Harvest Festival "demand' sheet came from the society which helps the elderly locally (and round here if they could find one needy one, I'd be surprised...). In bold was the instruction that in their experience, elderly people do not like own brand goods . What a cheek.

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 12:41

I think this is a US thing - think of Bree and her baskets of muffins and all those baby showers. I thinks it's a mixture of people out-martha-ing each other and church going traditions.

I suppose if you are in a community where people feel they have to bring a meal after a birth it helps to be organised, but it does seem a bit of a fuss following a straightforward birth.

I can understand people being more pro-active if a family has been recently bereaved or somebody is very ill.

merrymouse · 05/06/2015 12:45

I think that in this country many people would prefer that meals were delivered by Ocado/Tesco's. You can choose what you want and feel no obligation to invite anybody in.

satine · 05/06/2015 12:50

You are all making me laugh.
As many others have, I completely agree with Worra and everyone who has said that this turns a lovely, much-appreciated and very generous gesture into something quite different. I would definitely feel less inclined to help if these people were my friends, as to me, it would seem apparent that they were a) up themselves and b) being well looked after already.
But I do agree that something like this works very well for the elderly/bereaved/I'll and I would gladly get involved with that, whether I knew the recipients or not.
This particular case does make me think of the Mylene Klass thing of her daughter's classmate's mother instructing her daughter's birthday party guests to pay £10 each to buy a Kindle Fire. Hmm

OP posts:
satine · 05/06/2015 12:50

ill not I'll Angry

OP posts:
satine · 05/06/2015 12:54

Holdyerwhist Grin

OP posts:
catlover97 · 05/06/2015 12:57

mindthegap - "Christ on a bendy bus" - brilliant and so sums this situation up. Will be borrowing that saying Grin

Aussiemum78 · 05/06/2015 13:04

That's funny.

The best present I got with dd was an invitation to dinner where my friend made a beautiful seafood paella. And played with the baby while I relaxed and ate. One of the best meals I've ever had too (she's a fabulous cook).

Momagain1 · 05/06/2015 13:06

if you are from the sort of family/community that shows support by providing food, this is actually a great thing. though if you are from a different sort of community, i guess it would seem odd.

where I grew up, in the American South, taking food to families in short term distress is a big thing. a BIG thing. not just your close friends and family, and church, but co-workers, other parents at the school or children's activities, neighbors. it's just the thing that is done.

Her church uses such a website to help organise the many kind people who want to help the family by providing meals for families struggling with death, illness or injury or new babies. It means those wanting to give won't overwhelm families/new parents with more visitors than they are fit to see dropping off more food than their refrigerator and freezer can handle. It saves food waste, not to mention wasted effort. I hate the idea I might go to the trouble of making something, only for them to lose track of it in stressful days and end up throwing it out, green and moldy. though I don't live there anymore, and rarely take any food to anyone, as people think I am weird to do so.

we experienced the program as recipients after my dad's death. donors had the option of choosing a specific day to donate, those who wanted to give foods for use at the wake (or breakfast, see below) used this. Or donors could list a dish, and days for us to choose from, we just had to give 24 hour notice. so, as more and more relatives drove and flew in and filled up more and more relatives homes, mom could let her kind friends know the time their gifts would be most useful. 3 nights before, my uncles cooked vats of soup at moms house, so mom 'accepted' gifts of breads and desserts. the next night, she accepted numbers of casseroles, meat pies and pasta dishes, things that could travel easy and those same uncles popped in to take a share to feed whoever was staying at each of their houses. the morning of the funeral, we had hungry children and teens, but adults too stressed to cook (or clean after them cooking for themselves) even if we had the energy to go to the store. so, fruit bowls, more baked goods, quiches, and such were dropped off the night before. before the app was used, nobody really thought about sending breakfast foods, just suppers and appetizers/desserts for the wake. But thanks to this system, we never ran out of the things like bread, milk and coffee and cereal, you hope are in the house first thing in the morning, despite having as many as 17 people in moms house, and 32 more at the uncle's who lived nearby, and another dozen or so at uncle's who lived further out. plus hot breakfast the day of the funeral. there is a group of older widowers at the church who collectively donate disposable dishes so the families don't have to go get any, and won't have to wash so many dishes.

a more old fashioned paper system in the church office helps those who want to volunteer for things like setting up before or washing up after the wake in the church hall, or other physical assistance. My mom had 5 kids, her brothers and their kids, but some widows/ers need a hand getting the house and yard in order before a funeral.

the system also helped us to know who to thank for what and who to return dishes to.

there were still random things brought to the door, but they tended to be things unlikely to spoil as they came from neighbors and casual friends who wouldn't have known any other way to be in touch.

BertrandRussell · 05/06/2015 13:14

My cultural heritage (italian/Irish) means that I am driven, like a spawning salmon swimming upriver, to provide food for anyone within a 10 mile radius with so much as an ingrown toenail. Indeed- I am about to drop off home made soup and bread at the house of some friends who will be getting home from holiday very late tonight. Some might say I am a colossal needy arse desperate for affirmation. But I do make nice soup.

PenguinBollards · 05/06/2015 13:18

Can I give you my address, Bertrand? I've got a bit of a headache and I bloody love soup

shovetheholly · 05/06/2015 13:33

Momagain - that sounds so lovely!

I think we are losing touch with being a collective society like that. I know I could personally do better.

The problem for me with the OP's situation is not so much the idea nor the instructions about lactose intolerance (you wouldn't want to make a new Mum ill, now, would you?) but the tone. Like most of these things, it makes the difference between a lovely idea and a somewhat rude command.

Higgle · 05/06/2015 13:38

I got up and made dinner for the family as usual the day DS2 was born..........