to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

have you decided on your next step?

I think it's time for the police then

You can lead a horse to water. You're right, sending bills and outlining care to 'scare' Brother into leaving isn't going to do a bit of good. And you certainly can't 'abandon' your dad to him thinking 'that'll get him gone'.

I think the only thing you can do is evict him. It'll be ugly and possibly costly. Perhaps it's time to talk to a solicitor? Maybe they can draft a letter to him asking him to leave by a certain date to start the ball rolling. If nothing else, a solicitor will make your legal position clear to you.

I really feel for you. As I'd said, my brother did very well and I felt the 'free rent in exchange for care' was a fair bargain. He did the housework, cooking, her finances, meds, drove her about, shopping, and all DIY. He has a small pension so paid for his own expenses. Here in the US that kind of care just does NOT get paid for unless you are poverty stricken (govt assistance) or filthy rich (and can afford to pay). Our mum was neither. But I really don't know what would have happened if she'd been able to stay in her home and had become incontinent and/or unable to bathe herself. I just couldn't see my brother cleaning up 'accidents' or bathing her. But, fate intervened so I was never faced with your dilemma.

I'm afraid this kind of problem is going to get more and more common as people live longer and longer. Medical Science is extending life, but not doing much about the quality of that life.

Well on Monday I am going to try and speak with him. If he does not have for getting a job that sounds feasible I am going to try the siege as the first move. This will be stopping the money on the shopping card (doing the shopping myself instead), stopping the attendance allowance money going to DB. Taking the car from him and putting a crook lock on it,as one of the poster suggested.

He will be furious at those moves and that will probably be enough for him to never speak to me again.

I suppose I will need to inform the care agency of the 'issues' the family is having but also let them know I am POA and have signed the contract with them, so it is my say that goes (all very embarrassing ).

If that does not work in about 2 weeks I think I will have to throw him out. DH will help. I am guessing the best thing to do would be remove his stuff when he is not there and then change the lock. I really really do not what it to come to this.

Just remember that whatever you do, you are doing it with the best intentions, to protect your dad. It may be hard, it may get ugly, but if Dad is cared for that's what matters!

Well done op. Just out of interest, does your dad recognise him as his son and want him there?

My dad thinks he is his brother - so he does not call him by his name he calls him his own younger brother's name (our uncle). My dad always recognizes me and calls me by my name. (he has sister but never confuses me with them)

You're doing the right thing fedup. He will string you along, argue, deviate and confuse - anything to keep him there and not take any responsibility for anything. I urge you to make it swift and clean - dragging it out will not benefit your Dad at all. You do need to follow through and be decisive, say it and then do it. Good luck

OP you've got to stop enabling your B to take advantage and you are making great moves in that direction. Giving him two weeks notice is unreasonable for the carers and SS. The carers must be really fed up, as are you. Stay strong.

Well done op. keep us updated.

I bet the care agency have seen people pull this kind of stunt before. Better to be upfront with them and get them on side.

thanks everyone.

Just a little up date on the latest. As i have said previously DM has a mobility adapted car that brother has commandeered to drive my dad and himself around. DM cant get into a normal car so this is her only way of getting around. She had not seen the car or my brother since he walk of from her when she suggested he get a job over a week ago. She rang him and asked for the car back as I was taking her out yesterday. He didnt bring it. I then had to call him on Saturday and told him i needed the car and would he please leave the keys and I would be up later to collect it. I got there ans DB was in the garden with dad. I asked for the keys he did not respond and went upstairs. I spent some time with dad and then shouted upstairs 'can I have the key, I am going now'. He threw them down the stairs.

I kept the car at mine as I am also taking my mum out today. DB has just rang. To ask when I am bringing the car back. I said, i am not sure you will have to speak to DM. He then goes into a rant about how I am twisting everything with my negatively to make him out to the worse person in the world. He then tells me he needs the car as he has told the carer he will take her out tomorrow. I tell him it is not his car he should not be promising to take people out in it. He needs to liase with my mum and he is not being fair to her, as she needs to go out too. He then tells me I am depriving my dad of being taken out due to my silly games and hangs up.

Every single dealing with him leaves me in tears and wound up. There is just no reasoning with him. He just thinks he is right all the time. I honestly feel like he is bullying us all.

I feel as if I take the car back I am appeasing him, and he has no right to think the car is for his use.

If I don't it leaves my mum open to a confrontation with him. Which is not fair on her and it is true that my dad really benefits from being driven around.

Don't take the the car back. It is for your mum's use. You will be giving him mixed messages if you don't stick to the 'rules'.
In time, once your DB has left your Dad's you will find it easier to take dad out in the car when it suits your mum and you.

The car is the only one your mum can use.
If your db wants to take your dad out in a car he can buy a fairly cheap one. If the carer needs to go to places, that is really her responsibility. (I have carers - only a couple of hours a week - and they use their own cars. Sometimes, they suggest they take me somewhere, and that would be in their own car.)
If your db doesn't have enough to buy a cheap car, then he needs to get a job.

If you have to talk to your bro on the phone, can I recommend that you put it on speaker phone with lower volume, and read a book or magazine. When he rants turn the volume down further and read. When the rant stops, "The car is the only one mum can use. It is hers." "You need to buy a car yourself." "You need to get a job if you don't have money." can be trotted out.

Good luck. I can imagine how painful this is for you, but your parents are the priority.

It may be that when he sees how implacable you are over this, that he will come round to the idea of reasonable discussion.

Delurking to say don't take the car back. It's for your mum's use. IMHO there is no room for compromise in this situation.

Do NOT take it back. He's using guilt to manipulate you.

Jux is right. DB should be able to buy his own car. If, and that's IF, the carers want driving around on your father's behalf (and I can't imagine why) then they can let you know and you can determine if it's reasonable or not. The only reasonable use I can see for the car is to take DF out to appointments or to get some air.

Our mother had a carer for a few hours once a week for respite to give my DB a break when her dementia started getting bad. They either used their own cars (mileage reimbursed) if they were running errands (very rare, DB usually did all those) or, if they took Mum, they used hers. My brother certainly didn't 'drive them around' in our mother's car.

The only thing I'd suggest doing differently is, if brother begins a rant, you calmly say 'I will not allow you to speak to me that way. When you can discuss this calmly and without insults, we will talk, but right now I am ending this call". Then hang up. Simply turning down the volume still lets him feel he has an 'audience' iyswim.

TBH if it's a mobility car through mobility allowance thingy then I think there are insurance issues if it is used for any other reason than your mum's errands... whether or not your Mum is in it IYSWIM.

So sorry you are going through all this.
Just occurred to me that it may be good to keep the karpman drama triangle in mind at every stage of this to help you to remain in the amazing adult role that you are doing so brilliantly at remaining in. Your brother sounds hideous and like he is moving between victim, aggressor and rescuing roles in a chameleon way (the carers also getting involved as his rescuers by doing his ironing) aggggh stick to your guns op you are doing brilliantly. If this horrible situation wasn't going on you can bet that something would also come up in the future that would stop your brother talking to you so you may as well face it now as you are. Good luck and massive power and strength to you

Do you still intend to let him stay for another two weeks? If so, why?

there was a similar situation in my family several years ago, one sibling moved in with the father to look after him and whilst he was there (without the other sibling's knowledge) persuaded him into an equity release scheme.

When the father died there was very little equity left in the house

OP, you can use his ranting and game playing to your advantage, stick to your guns and next time he rings - record the conversation. get as much evidence of his unsuitability to being a carer and his greedy selfishness down on record in case you need it at some point (as well as his permanently deliberate unemployed status). he's expecting his vulnerable parents to look after him using their money and assets. i would be informing the carers, ss and police of what the plans are so at least they know in advance and can be ready to step in if things get heated.

Fedupcarer - I'm sorry to use such a cliched analogy, but it's your classic sticking plaster situation I'm afraid. You keep delaying the inevitable, trying to do it in little stages, at each point hoping that your B will see some reason and act like a rational person, but all you're doing is prolonging the pain and with every single day that goes by, jeopardising your DF's valuable care package.

It doesn't matter what type of job your B has or hasn't secured - that's his business. Thankfully we live in a country which generally doesn't let people live on the streets, sadly we do live in a country where care budgets have been slashed and if SS get a whiff of all of this, your DF will be left with no care.

Stick to your guns. Stop the money. Speak to the carers and get them onside. Do not handover your DM's car keys at all - carers have done without this thus far, so they don't need it now. Face the inevitable - you cannot do this and still be friends with your B at this point. What's more important - a) that your DF gets to spend as much time as he can in his own house with the expert care that he needs or b) that everyone stays pals with your B ?

I have left the car with dm and walked the 3 miles back. I feel really bad for dm as she is in tears over the whole thing. She is dreading the confrontation and does hate the idea my dad will miss out on being driven around , whilst the car is just sat outside her nursing home. But she asked him to bring back so she could go out and he didnt. I also find it strange that he is not taking my mum out too. But he is not, the only person he is rescuing is my dad. i find this really mean and feel so bad for my mum about that too. She is the position of begging to use her own car. And as she herself says 'if he was the least bit nice about it all"

I am going to look up the karpman drama triangle now - I have not heard of this before.

He's not doing for your mum as she can't provide him with free housing, food, etc. At this point dad has much more to 'offer'. Sad, but true. He's a 'user'.