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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so angry with brother

237 replies

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 21:11

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

ChuffinAda · 04/06/2015 22:14

Yes he's not fit to be in charge of your father's care at all! Wow, sorry you're going through this it must be so hard for you

JustHavinABreak · 04/06/2015 22:16

TRexingInAsda · 04/06/2015 22:30

That's terrible - he's not fit to be a carer, that's dangerous! You have a duty of care to your dad. You need to evict the brother and ensure your dad gets care from people who, at the very least, give him his medication daily.

FenellaFellorick · 04/06/2015 22:37

He what? You NEED to get him out.
You must put your dad first. Your brother needs to go.
I know it's going to be hard but you will hate yourself if your dad suffers because of your brother

BabyMurloc · 04/06/2015 22:43

Sorry but you need to get him out. He probably thinks he can swan in pretend to take charge, sit on his ass whilst carers do the work then claim residency of the house... That's how it sounds anyway. I hope that isn't the case.

If he is unreliable and untrained he needs to be OUT. Speak to the SW and explain all the issues with your brother and see if they can help.

BrockAuLit · 04/06/2015 22:46

I think the question really is whether you can allow yourself NOT to evict him.

You KNOW what he's like. You KNOW what will happen if he stays. You just don't want to have to be the grown up here and do what you know you have to do (no criticism btw, frankly who would?).

You'll hate yourself if you let the situation persist and you lose the funding. And you'll hate your brother too.

Find a way of making it happen. Tell bro that you don't like to give him an ultimatum but if he doesn't leave you will kick him out. You have poa, not him and there is a reason for that. There is no way one human can do the work of two, 24/7. Also, be honest and tell him that you just don't believe that he knows best for your dad over the medical professionals - and keep reiterating that you have the power to make this happen but don't want to have to use it.

Such a sorry situation on every level.

RandomMess · 04/06/2015 22:49

Yep you need to evict him I'm afraid.

creampie · 04/06/2015 22:49

If circumstances have changed then the funding will be reviewed. I guess he's getting continuing health care funding at the moment? He won't lose the eligibility for this, but he may get a reduced amount if social services feel that a family member is taking on some responsibility. I would ask for a further best interests meeting and explain that you feel that your brother is incapable of taking on this role, and why, especially giving any examples you can think of like not giving prescribed medication. You are right to be worried about losing funding. 24 hour care in a persons own home is unbelievably rare to get. You must have had to really fight for that, and I'd hate you to lose it over your brother. If you have POA then you are able to manage your fathers affairs, including who is living in his home, in his best interests. It sounds like you are trying to do that, but I guess it depends partly on how much you want to preserve a relationship with your brother, as this could get very messy. I don't envy you, but I wish you all the best xx

Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 22:58

You need to make a list of things like that to tell the SW. Not gibing tablets is very dodgy

Original poster

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 23:13

Yes ChC. Both my husband and I work the public sector and understand the impact of cuts. We realise that we have achieved a rare situation getting the care at home. My brother has no idea of the battle I have had. He seems to think I am bluffing when I tell him how tenuous it all is.

The prescription medication thing was a year ago before the care package in place. Obviously now the carers ensure he has all medication on time. But left alone I suspect he would again know best.

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 23:22

In terms of the relationship with my brother- I honestly would prefer not to fall out with him. I have a very small family and I do think he genuinely, in a misguided way cares about my dad, but he is too much of a know it all to accept might have a point. Plus I do agree that he sees living at my dad's all expenses paid is an easier option than working for a living. I have tried to point out that him living there has implications like council tax, metered water etc. - but this was poo pooed as me being petty.

OP posts:

MilesHuntsWig · 04/06/2015 23:22

What a sad situation. It sounds like you need to get your brother out tbh as leaving him to demonstrate he's unfit to do the job would be too dangerous for your dad. So sorry you're having to deal with this.

Original poster

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 23:27

Just remembered something else i had meant to say in my opening post about being angry.

I tried to explain to my brother that my dad would not want him to be a carer. he would want us to have our own lives. and really in the longer term it would be better for DB if he had a job and visited my dad to have quality time.

He went mad at this suggestion- telling me he did not need a life coach.

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/06/2015 23:35

There really is no reason that if he genuinely cares more about your father than himself, that he can't rent a room somewhere and spend quality time with your father. As a non resident, undependable visitor he'd be more use. I don't suppose for one moment he's got any concept of how tied to the house he would be, how disturbed his nights may be, how intense being responsible for another person 247 is.

Original poster

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 23:40

He has no concept - but thinks he has.

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/06/2015 23:46

So difficult to get him to understand it without actively putting your dad at risk :(

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2015 23:52

Your brother appears to be a user who needs you and your father more than you need him.

What does he bring to your life other than the title of 'brother'?

Your father isn't safe, your life isn't secure. He needs to go.

RandomFriend · 04/06/2015 23:53

Well done for having organised the care package that your dad needs.

Vis-a-vis your brother, it sounds as though you are in a very tricky situation, OP. I also had the same thoughts as ahbollocks

It is certain that your brother does not have your dad's interests at heart. If he did, he would have made sure that he had the prescription medicine.

Can you evict him? If that is an option, it is certainly worth considering so that you can best ensure that your dad has the care that he needs.

Griphook · 04/06/2015 23:53

Offer to pay him to leave, seriously he might just take you up on the offer

Original poster

fedupcarer · 05/06/2015 00:05

might be a plan griphook. I am so angry and stressed about the whole thing.

I have contemplated tonight and done some soul searching, if maybe I am more angry about the freeloading and sense of entitlement than the reality it might put the care package in jeopardy. But I do genuinely believe that it could have a detrimental effect on the plan.

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/06/2015 00:11

I can imagine that if you've been through the grind of caring and dealt with the realities of getting suitable care packages in place, then anyone swanning in and treating the care you have carefully put in place as an irrelevance, would get your hackles up. Add in the freeloading and extra costs and no wonder you feel aggrieved.
I think you're right to be worried about the care packages being withdrawn too.
Stop feeling guilty for being cross with him!

Original poster

fedupcarer · 05/06/2015 00:13

Thanks giddy, I feel better for reading your reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupcarer · 05/06/2015 05:31

Not slept a wink over the whole thing. I keep running this situation over and over in my head. Usually in all situations in life even when you think the other person is wrong you can see why they are acting the way they are.

In this situation the only explanation for DB acting the way he is and being so unwilling to listen to reason is that he is a thoroughly selfish person. Whilst I always knew he was unreliable and prone to work shyness, I actually always though he is just choosing a different lifestyle than the norm and he is not hurting anyone - so let him be 'eccentric'. I am finding it so horrible and stomach churning to accept that he is so unreasonable and that at 40 odd years of age he would think it acceptable to not pay his own way in life.

I really did think when he first came home from his travels that he was trying to help and build bridges with my dad (their relationship had been very strained for about 10 years). And he was a help and I suppose still is in terms of doing a lot for my dad. But not the equivalent on what a carer does 12 hours a day, every day. I know wonder if he always just had a plan to live rent and expenses free biding his time till he inherits. I am sickened by the whole situation.

I am going over the same thing I ve already said here I suppose -I am just finding typing it cathartic - I am so angry I just really want to go into a sound proof room and scream!

OP posts:

HexBramble · 05/06/2015 05:40

OP you're DB sounds like someone who cannot be reasoned with. Nothing you tell this man will sink in - he simply thinks you know better.
I agree that the only way he will learn about the realities of being a full-time carer is to step in and do the role, but you cannot risk your Dads safety

I hate asking this, but since you have POA, has your Dads will already been written? Who is he leaving the house to? If it's to you and your brother, would you be able to offer him his share now for him to buy/rent?

HexBramble · 05/06/2015 05:42

He simply thinks HE knows better

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