to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

Oh she sees it all but that does not want to loose him. How does she give up on her son. -She is very sick. She has lost my dad to dementia and to be honest lost me to looking after my dad and the full on battle to get his care. care for the sick is so much easier to get then care for the demented.

Oh my goodness what a sod he is being. But you cannot allow your (completely understandable) sentimentality regarding your brother to ruin what time you have left with your mother and father.

Reread what you have written - you have had no time for your mother, your husband, little time for your child and nothing for yourself. Through love and perseverance you created a scenario that ensured your father's care and let you finally have a little time to spend with him as a loving daughter not as a frazzled carer, to spend time with your mum, your husband, your child...some time to just breathe, and love and grieve. To process everything you have all been going through.

And now your brother, even if he is doing it with the best of (misguided) intentions is going to destroy this. You think you have problems now but just think how you will feel if next month the care funding is cut because of your brothers involvement. What will you do then?

You cannot save your relationship with your brother in the short term. It is doomed. There is no solution that lets everyone feel happy. All you can do - while you have the time still - is choose the lest worst option for you and for everyone (except your brother).

You must be resolute, you have too much to lose. If you get him out of the house he will be furious, say terrible things but in 2 years or 5 years time it may settle down, you may get your relationship back with your brother. Who knows? But at least there is a chance.

What chance is there of ever having a relationship with him if you do nothing? If the carers stop? If your father is left vulnerable in your brothers care and he doesn't correctly administer his pills again? If your father is hurt? If your husband gives you an ultimatum your brother or me? If your mother dies without you being able to spend time with her? If your son stops relying on you because you are never there? How then could you ever look at your brother again without hating him?

It's not fair you are going through this but please do something about it while you still have some choice.

Thus is such an awful situation for you and your family I am so sorry.

All this awfulness - your anguish and turmoil, your DC not having their Mum fully around, your DH coping without you, your poor Mum's anguish and anxiety is all down to your brother. 1 person causing so much grief. I feel for you OP, I really do.

What a moving post. Good luck OP. It sounds really tough but you are doing the right thing. It doesn't sound like a nice letter will get you far though really. You probably need an eviction one ready immediately.

I think you have to calmly state that you are not putting you db's and his fathers relationship in any danger. That is totally up to db and can be maintained wherever db lives. The relationship is totally up to db.

But say that what you are able to get involved in, is your df's care. You know that he isn't able to care full time without the carers around. You know that it is inevitable that the care package will be removed if he stays. You can say that while you understand that he feels he is up to the job of carer, because he doesn't actually know the realities of it, then he is deluding himself, although you know his heart is in the right place we know the truth but you don't need to say that Thank him for thinking of his father, but tell him that he needs to move out as you are not going to jeopardise his care package any longer. Then get him out.

Just as an aside though, if ss agree that he needs 24 hour care, they wouldn't expect db to be awake 24 hours so wouldn't they still fund an overnight carer?
Can df ever be left alone? What happens if the carers go, and db wants to go out of the house alone. Is this even possible? If it's not, then that is your strongest argument for db. It is impossible to care for someone if you can't ever leave them alone.

Thanks everyone. No my dad can't. Be left alone at all. He is a fall risk. At one point the nhs were saying that he could not have the care at home as he could not even be left while the carer went the toilet. That's how closely he needs watching. The house is open plan so ideal as he can be seen in the lounge from the kitchen. But even if the carer turns to make a cup of tea and my dad is sat in the chair by the window he will sometimes try to get out the window or shout to passers by that he is being held against his will! He is not easy to deal with. I realise that as he does not sleep they would not expect the same carer to do it all but I absolutely know my brother could not he relied upon for any regular shifts. As my husband said this morning. He does not want to do the caring, he wants to direct and manage the carers. But there will be no one to manage if the funding is cut!
My brother likes his time with his mates. He has an on off girlfriend. He will only eat organic food so that need to be bought at special places. So I have no idea how all that would fit that in if he could not leave my dad. He has not even got a car. He is using my mums car. Which leaves her without. She can't drive it herald but needs it for carers or myself to take her to appointments. It is wheelchair adapted and is the only car she can go in. I was going to buy a new car for me and put the my old one at my dads for the carers to take my dad out. But my husband has put his foot down and said I can't do this until my brother has gone as he will just use it. I am rambling!!! I just wish he could see the reality of the situation.

op, he does see the reality, he sees you struggling, your dh mad at it all, your mum abandoned and your dad in a dangerous situation, and it means nothing to him, as he wants his own way.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but its you who needs to see the reality here. I know you cant as you are so embroiled in this all, maybe ask your dh how he sees it and take the lead from him, or a good friend who knows you all well.

you and your mum have already lost your brother emotionally, and you are better off without him, now you just need to loose him physically.

I'm not speaking from a viewpoint of no experience, I started the elderly parents section here as my situation was literally driving me crazy. Now with hindsight, I'd have done things so differently but I couldnt see it for what it was at the time, I was the carer like you and couldnt see the wood for the trees at all.

Good luck and I'm sorry for sounding harsh.

YANBU. Your brother must go. Is he buying his special organic food out of your dad's £150 a week? He shouldn't have any access to money at all - do the shopping online and let the carers have petty cash.

GET YOUR FUCKING BROTHER OUT OF THE HOUSE.

You sound really nice but you have done so well this far. One more step. Evict him. Your dad needs you to do this.

Can your mother not formally request your brother leave her house? When my DM had dementia and my DF was battling cancer, he was very ill but still of sound mind so he was still in charge of my Mum's affairs and wellbeing, although the practicalities of him being so ill meant he could not care for her physically. Your Mum is still in the picture, this is her house and her husband. She can insist on this surely? Can you talk to her and get her to help you?

OP I do understand your predicament but if you are going to be an effective attorney you need to deal with this issue and quickly.

I just wish he could see the reality of the situation

He does see the reality. He just doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself.

OP, you truly are a fantastic daughter and your parents are very lucky to have you to advocate for them. My brother is similar to yours in his know-better-than-you attitude so I totally understand how difficult you're finding him to deal with. You're lucky that your mother sees him for who he is and is cooperating with you in wanting him to leave the house. It would be impossible otherwise.

There are some people who just don't see what the right thing to do is and your brother is one of them. His way is the right way and no amount f cajoling and reasoning with him will persuade him to do the right thing of his own free will. Why would he when he's having an easy, stress-free life? You've fought so hard to get this care package for your dad and he's going to mess it up. You can't wait for him to see that leaving is the right thing to do for your dad because he'll never see that. Sadly, you'll have to evict him and endure the fall-out from that.

I really feel for you because you're obviously a good person and it's hard to be hard but you have to think of your parents and do what he trusted you to do when he gave you PoA.

As someone with elderly parents, I can understand how much this has drained you. But you must give it one last push and get your brother out. He's not right to be doing this. Be brave and do it!

My heart goes out to you, but stop this now. Do you realise you are being unfair on your DH DC's, DF and DM just because of your dickheadbrother. I'd actually get DH to take him to the pub - then whilst they are out - change the locks and put all his crap in bags and leave it in the garden. Job done.

I'm not going to be a bit more blunt than some of the other posters but it's not with the intention of upsetting or undermining you. I have enormous sympathy for you in this situation.
However…
I think you are being a bit self-indulgent about this. Your father has entrusted you with POA and you need to step up and shoulder the responsibility. You've been put in a position of leadership and that means that sometimes you have to do tough, unpleasant things for the greater good.

You worry about damaging the relationship between your brother and your mother. Well then, take the responsibility off her shoulders (and you wouldn't have been given POA if she was capable anymore) and make it clear to your brother that this is your decision alone, and regardless of what your mother says, you are taking this decision. She can be as sympathetic to him as she wants to be, or not, but if you make it clear that you won't budge on the decision regardless, then my guess is that she will secretly breathe a huge sigh of relief.
I would suggest that you let him know that he has 48 hours to pack up and leave, that he will not be working as your father's carer. I would make it clear that he is welcome to visit every day, that you are not stopping him from seeing his father (which is his right and rebuilding this relationship might well be something that he needs to do to grow up) and that your decision is final.
Every day that you prevaricate you are putting your dad's care, and your family's needs at risk. My fear is that the body funding your dad's care will not look too closely at the standard of care your brother will offer, or consider that, if they can save money. Sorry if I sound cynical but I honestly do not believe you can afford to waste time worrying about who will fall out with whom.
And I think you are only delaying the inevitable - a storm is coming sooner or later - you can either take the helm and steer the ship through it on your terms, or wait until you are run aground.
Again, I'm sorry if I'm being a bit harsh with you. Stern words and warm hugs

wise words cinderling, I hope the op listens.

That a good post cinderlings. Whatever happens it's not going to be easy.

Cinderling is absolutely spot on. The sooner you deal with this the less chance of losing the funding.

Right- I have sent him a letter via email that spells out he needs to leave and why. It is very very nice, much nicer than he deserves, thanking him for all his efforts to date! But it is, I think firm, and makes it clear that he needs to communicate with us about his plans and a suitable timescale to move out.
DH this he will either ignore it completely or throw a tantrum. I just hope DH is wrong and he responds positively. I decided against giving him a timescale to respond but I am thinking one week. If he has not come back with a plan about getting a job and leaving in a week I'll send a further letter telling him he has 7 days to leave. I know I dont have to give him notice as he is not a tenant, he has no rights, but I thought that is the fairest approach. If he is not out then I will ask the police to assist in moving him as a trespasser. God feel sick - even suggesting that but i know I have to do it.

Well done OP. Even though he's not a tenant, you do have to give him "reasonable notice" - but nothing specifies what this is and a week seems fine tbh - especially after an earlier warning that he can't stay. Good luck.

Oh and if he doesn't go, I don't think the police will just come and throw him out for you, I think you'll have to take him to court and get a court order for him to leave, and then they can physically make him go if he doesn't obey that order.

I'm glad you have taken action OP. Do not expect him to act in a fair and reasonable way. Your DH seems to have the measure of him so let him support and guide you along with us.

It sounds horrible, but if push comes to shove you may need to show him the letter your DF wrote to make him aware that him moving in is not what they wanted to happen.

Unfortunately I cannot see any way that getting him out of the house will result in a good relationship with yourself and your DB in the short term, but it's absolutely the right thing for your DF, DM, DH and DCs, oh and yourself,that's the wellbeing of 6 people versus 1.