to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

Giving him another fortnight freeloading in your Dad's house is risking his care package.

Give him until tomorrow to respond and then tell him he needs to be out by Tuesday.

Bollocks to involving the police.

If he's still there on Wednesday, change the locks.

He is financially abusing a vulnerable old man. He deserves no consideration.

Well done. You really don't need to know what his plan is, or if he has a job so don't get drawn into any of that. I would actually be inclined to say leave by 14th June, and get someone in to change the locks on the 15th. Do not give him money, he must be getting the rent from his property. I also don't quite understand about the letter from your DF, does he no longer wish to leave him anything ?

Well done OP! That's a great start.
I think you should print off a copy of the email and if the row happens just keep referring to it so that you don't get talked or bullied into anything except what you have already said.

I think Trexing is right about the police not throwing him out. However if he doesn't leave and you do what redshoeblueshoe suggested, if the police are called they won't let him in either.

I can foresee a situation where he could be out on the lawn of your father's house causing a rumpus and the carers might not be comfortable working under those conditions, so it might be no harm to have a discreet word with them to get them on side.

I think you have been incredibly kind and are handling it as sensitively and compassionately as possible. Well done! Well done! Well done!

fedupcarer, I just wanted to add my support. Your brother sounds very similar to mine and I know how utterly draining it can be. But you have had to be very tough to get your dad's needs met - and you can be tough again. Your brother does sound selfish to the point of abusiveness, and it is scary to come up against family dynamics that are so long entrenched. But you know you are doing the right thing, and you and your DH can be a united front to get him out.

OP, I have no advice for you in what is a heartbreaking situation. I just wanted to say that you have obviously tried very hard to act in the best interests of your Dad, and I think your plan is a good one.

If I have half your resilience when it comes to caring for my parents, I will be glad.

Thanks everyone - I keep checking my phone and no response yet. I have just checked with my DH, a police officer about the eviction situation. He has clarified he is not a tenant so the court situation is not required. We can speak to the local police explain the trespass situation and ask them to attend and ensure there is no breach of the peace. So the police are not going to chuck him out for us but will intervene if he does not leave when asked. I think given my husband's position and the fact we live in suburbia the police will be helpful and agree to attend and ensure the peace is maintained.

Currer call - you are right about entrenched family dynamics. It is horrible that you end up feeling like a kid again and it takes outsiders to see the wood from the tress. I am so glad I posted my situation on here as it has made me so much more confident that I am doing the right thing.

You are definitely doing the right thing, stay strong. You have a battle ahead of you and he will freak out big time. Don't try to reason with him. Don't gratify his garbage with any other response than 'this is the best for dad'. He will try to wear you out. Just pick a short response and keep repeating it over and over.

you'll probably loose your brother over this, and in time you'll realise he wasnt worth keeping.

but you'll be glad you did this for your mum and dad, again you'll see all this with hindsight, which you wont have just now as you are too entrenched in it all.

Has he replied, fedup? Hope you're ok.

I really identified with so much of what you said in your posts... I'm also a person who hates drama and confrontation... but your brother is the one risking your relationship - if he really cared he'd be working with you for your dad's welfare.

I don't know if you get this feeling, but with my brother I've begun to realise there is an element of resentment from him, in that I'm the sibling who is more 'sorted', who has a house and family, whilst he has nothing... It makes it very difficult to have any kind of relationship with him (and of course, he knows nothing about what my life is really like).

Just wanted to echo everyone else in giving support and saying you're doing the right thing.

I had a similar situation (similar in some respects, anyway) with my Dsis insisting that she could be a full-time carer for my mum. She was so insistent that my Dbro and I actually let her try it, against our better judgement. The results were disastrous. She left my mum unattended (my mum's dementia is such that she can't be left alone), emptied my mum's bank account, and didn't pay any of my mom's monthly bills (mortgage, health insurance and so on). My Dbro actually had to go to court to get legal conservatorship of my mum (this all happened in the US so the legal terms may be different here).

My Dsis was so angry and upset that she hasn't spoken to me since. It's been over five years. It's awful to be estranged from a sibling, but honestly, I don't know what else we could have done differently. We had to step in and protect my mum. The bottom line is, my Dsis wanted access to my mum's money. I think she also genuinely believed that she could do a good job taking care of our mum, but she couldn't (she's a single mum with five kids, works full-time - the whole scenario was ludicrous). Now my mum is in a care home and we know she is safe.

You got power of attorney for your dad for a reason. You have to put your dad's interests first and protect him, even if it means protecting him from one of his own children. You have to be his advocate because he can't advocate for himself.

Good luck and stay strong. it's amazing all you have done for him.

Incidentally my Dsis kept saying things like, "I can't have BOTH my parents in a home!" (meaning a residential home. My dad was already in residential care due to very poor health). To which the obvious answer was, "It's not about YOU, it's about mum!"

The concern about my mum also seemed a little delayed since before my mum got dementia, my sister had only minimal contact with her - they didn't get on at all. My mum was really upset because my Dsis wouldn't let her see her dc (the grandchildren), wouldn't friend her on facebook, etc. Then after my mum's mental health deteriorated, my Dsis suddenly wanted to become her full-time carer. The whole thing was such a mess.

Thanks everyone, gosh marfisa your situation is similar. He has not replied yet. I am feeling so sick over the whole thing. I keep going over and over it with dh.
The carer told me today that he does alot with my dad and it really helps when he takes my dad out in the car. Obviously making me feel worse and even sicker.
Although I should point out that DB was out when I went up there both today and yesterday. Out in my mum's car! So bringing me back to idea that he is doing all the 'add on' nice bits of caring and definitely not full shifts.

Stick to your guns and don't feel bad. You ARE doing the right thing. If your DB cares about your dad, he can still spend time with him and take him out in the car -- he doesn't need to be camping out in your dad's house to do those things!

My Dsis had a lot of extended family members (and even health professionals) on her side because she is actually a nurse. So that made her seem like the ideal person to care for our mum. But nursing skills or no nursing skills, she just wasn't reliable.

Yes I can see you would be up against it explaining to people in power a nurse could not manage the job. I think with the cuts to budgets that in the UK at the moment that it is possible that if my brother was purporting to be a carer it would just be accepted.

You are doing really well OP

Fedup, I dont if anything in your situation has changed since you wrote to your brother though I hope it has.

As for our situation - well following on from my 'talk' with my son a few days ago I believe there is to be a family pow pow at my daughters house tomorrow and my husband is going to be making it very clear whats what.

We're lucky in that there is no bad feeling yet (apart from the raised voices last week) and I suspect my husband will now find a way to re-iterate whats going to be happening, but more importantly, whats not!

Im happy your brother does things with your dad. My son also does things with his brother and has a good rapport with him even though my youngest sons condition means thats relating is very difficult. So I would hate for that part of my eldest son to not be acknowledged, but as good as he is he just does not have it in him to put his brother first the way he has to be put first when you are living with him 24/7.

Thank Weebirdie, I hope your family pow wow goes well - please let us know.

I have still not had any response to the email I sent DB on Saturday afternoon. The email was so nice and fair. So it seems he is just going for the ignore, hopefully he is reflecting - but I am doubting it.

I agree that if he really has df's best interests at heart, he will continue to do the nice bits for him. It will be interesting to see if he carries on when he moves out. I wouldn't like to bet any money on that happening though.

Good luck weebirdie. It sometimes takes courage and strength to do the right thing.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but if you feel your dad is in danger from your brother being there (e.g. not being given tablets, carers work interfered with) you can raise a vulnerable adult alert - usually called a SOVA - via the SW. They have to pay attention to them.

Well a quick update.

I went to see my dad tonight. DB quickly may himself scarce. Then I notice that there is more of DB's stuff around the house. As I walked in I noticed one of the carers is ironing, I then realise that the basket of ironing is all DB's clothes. I was livid. Fuming that I was going to combust. My uncle then arrived to visit dad so he got the full tale. He was not impressed and is full supportive of me without reservation.

So I calm down (somewhat but not completely) and ring DB and ask him why he has been and collected more of his stuff from storage and why the carer was ironing her clothes. He denied bringing more stuff and then said the carer liked ironing his clothes. I went mad told him he was a sponger, living of a vulnerable old man, told him I was calling the police about him taking mums car without permission. He was then shouting at me done the phone telling me to shut up and saying I did not know what I was talking about and then hungs up.

He then must have realised he had gone too far as a few minutes later he calls and says he will come round to calmly discuss the situation.

So he come round and we all mange to keep calm. He is saying my dad needs him, as he is confused and and frightened and needs reassurance. He needs him and the carers. Insistent that he directs 'the carers'. We explained calmly over and over again. Yes we know it would be nice to have 3 carers for my dad but that is not going to wash with SS. If you are a free carer they not going to pay for an extra one to improve my dad's quality of life. We live in times of budget cuts and austerity. But DB just wont have it. With the mantra that his dad needs him. He now seems to think there is some way we can hoodwink the authorities into believing that he isnt there. We dismissed this totally and made it clear we are not getting involved in any lies. We are both in jobs were integrity is important.

So round and round it went with everyone surprisingly keeping calm but DB is just not having that the care budget will be reduced if he is a carer. Although interestingly he is backing away from his idea last week that if a carer is pulled he will be the carer 12 hours a day everyday.He seems mostly, although not totally acknowledge it would'be a bit much'.

He just does not seem to realise that the deal I have got for my dad is the best possible. We are ordinary people not millionaires, of course we would like an army carers for my dad but you have to cut your cloth. So round and round went got nowhere. He has after 2 hours of the same things gone home to "think things over". But I am 100% certain he will not budge and this is a pause before the storm.

Well done op. Stick to your guns. He's gradually realising his plan isn't going to work. Just keep throwing at him that if the carer is pulled, then he's the one doing the caring. He's actually aware now that this isn't feasible. So eventually he will join the dots.

i've a feeling he will keep pushing you until you give in - he has a lot to gain from this. time you got serious about giving him a deadline and getting the police and SS involved if he continues interfering and taking advantage.