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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry with brother

237 replies

fedupcarer · 04/06/2015 21:11

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2015 01:28

OP, I salute you. Your parents are very lucky to have you watching over them.

My own DB is somewhat like yours (except not such a 'know it all'). He moved home with Mum about 5 years ago. All went swimmingly and as Mum declined he stepped up and took very good care of her. Sadly, about two years ago her dementia really grew and she began to have terrible delusions about him, my sons, and eventually me. A truly lovely lady turned into a suspicious, mean-spirited then tearful woman. At that point we had to moved her to a care home, sold her house, & brother got his own little flat.

My point to all that is that if my brother had behaved like yours is, I would have had him out of the house so fast his head would have spun. If I were you I'd do it sooner rather than later. Yes, it may affect your future relationship with him and that's sad, but your father's wellbeing is the most important thing.

Do the food shop, cut any cash to him. If you need to, put a steering column lock on the car and remove it only when Dad (or Mum) needs to go out or the carers need the car. If you think Brother may try to bully your Mum let the care home know so they can keep an eye on his visits.

marfisa · 10/06/2015 09:20

Well done! Hold onto your rage. He is being incredibly selfish and putting his vulnerable father's well-being at risk.

He is able to look after himself and your father isn't. Now he is jeopardising everything that you have worked so hard to put in place for your dad. Angry

marfisa · 10/06/2015 09:23

And the ironing - unbelievable cheek!

rookiemere · 10/06/2015 13:06

I'm so sorry fedup - your DB has zero intention of moving out. None. Zilch.

The longer you leave this situation the more chance your DF will lose his care package and where do you think your DB will be when your DF needs 24hr care from him and there's no one there to iron his clothes.

You need to act now and decisively. What happens if the carers report back to social services that they were doing your DB's ironing as he has everything else under control?

Would your uncle help you move his stuff out?

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 10/06/2015 13:07

Sadly I agree with rookiemere you need to get him out now.

Jux · 10/06/2015 17:52

Well done.

Have you told the carers that they are on no account to do your brother's jobs for him, no matter what he says? Just make sure that they know that you are in charge and that they can say no to your bro.

Good luck. I think you are going to have to get the police to get him out. Glad your uncle's on board.

Jux · 10/06/2015 17:55

And when the end comes, your brother will lay claim to the house as he will have been living in it, but mainly because he could claim he had been caring for your dad and that is worth thousands and thousands, so he deserves the house in recompense. I know someone this happened to.

ahbollocks · 10/06/2015 18:08

Me too jux Angry
You need him out this weekend

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 10/06/2015 18:24

OP, is there any practical reason why you can't change the locks and instruct the carers not to allow him back in?

lougle · 10/06/2015 19:48

I've just caught up with this and have some questions:

Who employs the carers? Is it SS contracted via an agency? Or is it direct payments to you? Either way, you need to make it clear that YOU have PoA and they do what YOU say, and your DB is merely 'visiting'. They are only to provide care and assistance for your Dad.

Original poster
fedupcarer · 10/06/2015 20:42

thanks everyone for your supportive replies. The carers are funded by the NHS, my dad has continuing health care. However, it is me that manages the budget, but very close monitored by the clinical commissioning group that are obviously (as it's taxpayers money) keen to get the costs down. I totally see their position and I know if I was working for them I would be suggesting a healthy adult with no job and responsibilities should be doing at least a portion of the care to reduce the budget. But what people without a long history with DB will miss is how unreliable he is. i know he is not up to it. BUT he comes across very plausible.

OP posts:
Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 10/06/2015 20:58

All the more reason to get home out. Now. Sad

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 10/06/2015 20:58

Him, not home! Blush

PoppyField · 10/06/2015 21:08

Blimey OP. I think you are doing great. Did he actually reply to your email giving him notice to move out of your parents' home? The clock is ticking...

MilesHuntsWig · 10/06/2015 23:04

Wow go you! You're so strong. I really hope your DB grows up before you have to kick him out.

lougle · 11/06/2015 06:49

If he is that keen, he can provide the care while living outside the home.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 11/06/2015 09:09

OP I would be giving him a deadline to leave and then start whatever eviction proceedings are necessary. You will be stuffed if SS find out the idiotic carer is doing ironing for your perfectly able brother.

DuchessofNorks · 11/06/2015 09:27

OP I think the time for niceties are over where your DB is concerned. 'Thinking things over' is likely a guise for 'burying my head in the sand until everyone else forgets'.

Take the bull by the horns. Pull the carers up on doing anything for your brother (likes doing his ironing Hmm?? FFS). They are there solely for your fathers needs and only your fathers.

Begin the eviction process. Your brother won't budge, no matter how many tactics you try to pull. Act now or before you know it they will whip the contract out from under you and when/if they do I bet your brother won' be seen for dust.

Osmiornica · 11/06/2015 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/06/2015 12:38

I can't believe the carer is doing his ironing. They are carers, not cleaners or housekeepers there to wait hand and foot on your idiot brother!

Stop giving him any money. Get him out ASAP. You are on the right track OP, now just need to follow through swiftly and firmly.

Good luck with the inevitable shit storm Flowers

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 12/06/2015 10:39

wishing you luck too - you can do this! Flowers

sashh · 12/06/2015 13:05

Long term you need to evict him. Short term send him a bill for 50% of the bills and Council Tax, which goes up if there are two people living at the property.

Short term tell the carers that every time they do any personal care / cleaning / shopping they are to have your db with them so he learns (day and night). Tell your not so db if he wants to be a carer this is what he needs to learn how to do.

mojo17 · 12/06/2015 14:11

Are you able set up a meeting with Dorothy and social worker and care team manager to 'hand over' management of your do care.
At that meeting all participants would then see exactly what's expected of them.
Tell them all that you have been doing so far and explain he will be responsible for it all now and all communications to go through him

Would that work by scaring him, alerting social workers about his capabilities or lack of?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2015 16:16

Have you heard from your brother OP? Wishing you lots of luck in dealing with this.

Original poster
fedupcarer · 12/06/2015 19:07

Not heard anything from him. I could send all the 50% of bills I likes to him he would just ignore them. There is no way on god's earth I would hand over any care to him. My dad would be in a nursing home before the week was out. I know social workers are well intentioned but I found that despite actually only having met my dad for minutes, both the one dad had only had one tool their kit and that was getting dad in a home as fast as possible. There is a long story about why a home is not the beys place for him yet but that is a whole other thread! So basically db being involved with the ss means dad's best interests will be behind their own agendas.

OP posts: