to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

But would be a nightmare if DB still living there as presumable would still want all his bills paid

You have POA over your father's affairs. It is your responsibility to make sure that your father's money is not spent on a young fit man who is trying to steal from him.

and it would mean that the house could not be rented out to offset some of the care costs.

Again, sorry but it is your job here to make sure your father lives out his final, most vulnerable years in as much comfort as possible and without his finances being negatively impacted by his son.

What your brother wants is neither here nor there.

You have legal responsibility for a very vulnerable man's welfare - maintaining a relationship with a man who is seeking to exploit him should not be a priority for you.

I think your best course of action is through your df's social worker. Could you have a chat with her about your concerns. She will find out soon enough anyway, through the carers.

With budgets so tight, and likely to get tighter, the LA is not going to turn a blind eye to the fact that your df is no longer living on his own. Perhaps she could spell out to your db that the funding will be taken away if he continues to live there. He might listen to her.

I'm not at all sure you could evict him, even with your PoA. Apart from the emotional upset for your df, I doubt whether the PoA would be strong enough for you to take action.

Horrible situation for you to be in. Try to disengage from your feelings about your brother. Even if he were the most altruistic and caring person in the whole world, his residence in your df's house will cause a change in the care plan.

I would think I could evict him. He is not a tenant not paying bills and only 'moved in' 2 months ago. He has not lived there in the previous 15 years. There is no way on earth my dad would have had him there when he was 'with it'. He is a cukcoo in the nest! Iam hardening up thanks to reading all these supportive replies. I do now feel it's him not me being unreasonable.

Tymeout the spelling out that there is a chance of us loosing some of the budget was a the basis of the conversation with him yesterday. He didn't care just going on about how he is better than the carers and that you can't buy love. He is totally delusional. He genuine seems to think he could look after my dad on his own. This is a man that has never held down a job for more than a few months at a time. He has no concept of commitment.

But he could challenge your PoA and the way you are administering it with the Court of Protection. As your father's son, he could claim that you were acting against your father's interests.

Imagine what he might say... Whatever your father would have done before his illness, he currently appears to enjoy his son's company.

I can imagine other scenarios in which the Attorney was excluding family members for their own ends. (Of course, this doesn't apply to you.) But he could have a case for involving the Court if he said you were interfering in the father/son relationship.

I'm not a lawyer - but it could be v messy.

OP - I'm really not on his side at all. He's a self-serving idiot. And you need to get him out. But I think there are limits to what you can do on your own, with just the PoA. You could take the initiative and ask advice yourself from the Court.

No poa was done well before he was ill and everyone knew the problems in the relationship between them. I have letter written in the early stages of dementia telling me he no longer even wants my brother to get half the house or a 'penny'. I obviously would not be cruel enough to show db these as u know how hurt he would be. But I don't think he would have a chance in hell in the court of protection. At the risk of drip feeding something I proabably should have said at the start my mother is still alive. She is a nursing home. She is very ill but does have capacity. She understands the risks and has begged him to get a job but he tells her he hadn't got time. She is really upset about the whole thing to the point I feel it is unfair of me to burden her with it further. But she Does want him to leave the house and will support me.

I think you know what you have to do. It will be hard but your father needs protecting. Shame on him for not listening to his mother.

You are going to have to do it, fedup. The sooner you start the process, the better. Your mother's situation changes everything. It not just you keeping an eye on your dad's interests, it's you as your mum's representative.

It can take a few months to evict someone. Best start asap.

after thinking about this, I can see your brothers motives quite clearly..he wants your dads house...if its a council house he'll just take it on whenever your dad leaves (to go to a care home) or if your dad owns it then he'll expect to have it made over to him as he lives there

thats what he's up to, its quite simple

he's not their to look after your dad or give you and help, he's there to get his hands on the house.

and sorry op, but after being angry at your brother, I'm now getting angry with you, are you going to do something about this for your parents sake??

Thanks everyone. I have wrote him a letter to try and explain in a really nice way (as i know being honest and the home truth approach wont work) why he cant stay there. I will try this and if it does not work move to a formal eviction. I will do it I am emboldened by all the support on here.

Btw ssd it is my parents own house.

We've just had the mother of all carry ons here today after I told one of my sons why he wouldn't be the one taking charge of his brother, the house, or the estate, when me and his father are no longer here.

It was extremely ugly and I urge you to get this sorted sooner rather than later.

I found it quite freaky that it had come up on a day I'd mentioned our situation here.

Formal eviction proceedings are only necessary if someone is a co-owner or legal tenant. OP's brother is an guest who has outstayed his welcome. OP can dump his stuff on the doorstep in bin bags and change the locks if she's a mind to.

OP, What an awful situation. I hope the letter works, although it's not sounding too hopeful.

You're right, Barbarian, I forgot!

Fedup, of course he is only there courtesy of his mother, and she's clearly not happy about it.

I hope the letter works and he moves on easily and pulls his socks up, but I don't really expect that will happen.

Good luck, fedup. You are doing the right thing.

Gosh Weebirdie that is strange that you have been something so similar today. Can I ask why you you dont want him to take charge of things?

Is he feckless? What are your alternative plans?

Weebirdie - You've not left your ipad lying around the house still logged into MN where he might have seen it, have you?

Dustbunny - no, but thank you for giving it thought.

Fedup - a conversation came up today and I took it from there and and all was going well till I said you cant even listen to me about my dogs when your here, your needs regarding them are bigger than theirs or mines so how can you say your brother would come first. And how can you say you'd manage to manage the care team when you cant even keep a cleaner. All hell just broke loose and the shit has well and truly hit the fan - but its long overdue.

We live in a huge custom built house that we built to allow 2 families to live alongside each other, me and my husband (before we separated), my son, and one of my children who will move in with their family eventually. The care team have their accommodation in the garden. There is a very large estate to be left and my son thinks as the eldest son he should be calling the shots and he is determined that no one is going to live here at his expense. So he has to be bought out so to speak, whereas my other children are happy for this house to be their brothers home for life and have no interest in their share of it. Its a different way of doing things here and whilst its not Shariyah law there's only so much my husband has been able to do to ensure things will be done the way we want them done.

Is my son feckless? He's a pilot. But the money we have made over recent years has totally turned his head and its best to liken him to a cuckoo who will move into someone elses nest rather than build his own. He loves his brother, done get me wrong, but like his dad he is incapable of putting someone elses day to day needs before his own for a lifetime.

My other children have the situation sorted out, who's going to be looking after my son eventually with the carers, but its hard when you are up against someone who will get pissed off with a BIL for sitting in a chair that he thinks is only for the eldest son in the house. I give it to my grandchildren in turn instead.

I feel so bloody stupid writing that last bit and the biggest laugh is he's not even religious!

The reality is that me and my husband separated after a lifetime together and my son now thinks he's the man of the house by proxy.

Well he can stuff that for a game of soldiers and his dad will be filling his ear tomorrow.

Just to explain about my dogs. I have 2 huskies I adopted from a rescue centre and life in the ME is very hard on them in the summer. They basically get to stay up playing in the garden all night and sleep all day. My son comes in with his dog in the afternoon and he lets them all run around in the garden. He thinks because they can jump in the pool and cool off its ok, but its not. Its just too bloody hot. So my point to him was - just because your dog, an alsation can cope, it doesn't mean my dogs can. But he's determined his dog will have pals and thats why I said - if you cant put my dogs needs first how can you put your brothers? If I say no to you, what will you say when the carers say that to you in regard to your brother?

All hell broke loose.

Agree with others. You need to evict him now before he gets comfortable, you lose all the funding and he takes off again. It'll cost you all your free time caring for you father again. You know your parents wouldn't want this.

OP I don't have any wiser words than the advice you have already received on this thread but I wanted to say good luck for your talk with your brother and stay strong.

he's wanting the house, op, he probably thinks as you do so much it might be left to you, so he's trying to get in there and do a bit so he gets half and you dont get it all

trust me, his motives are purely selfish,, be prepared for a shitstorm from him when he doesnt get his way

oh my god weebirdie that is so so like my brother. The dog thing is so like DB would do - he would know best. He always knows best.

There will be a shit storm when he does not get his own way, of that I am sure. I feel so bad for my elderly and very sick mother, as he will blame her for agreeing with me. She has not got the time for wounds to heal.

I think your mum already sees him for what he is, sadly.