to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

You can't leave this man in situ taking advantage of a vulnerable adult.

It's shit that after sorting out the care package you now have more caring work to do.

But your latest caring job is to remove this freeloader from your father's home.

You have POA, you have your father's best interests to consider, and they are definitely not supporting a healthy 40 year old when his own needs are so extensive.

You need to start taking steps immediately to prevent this man having access to your father's money.

The fact that he thinks he should be supported by his father's money in the circumstances is shocking.

Get him out. He is a bad person doing a bad thing.

This is not a misunderstood eccentric, it's a manipulative freeloader.

Your Dad needs you again.

I've had that feeling of doubting myself many times. I knew I was actually reasonable but my dad (usually) had said something so egregious and defended it so aggressively I sometimes came away thinking 'that was so unreasonable he can't possibly think that's ok. Have I got this wrong?' He's so convinced - but no it was usually because he'd said something thoroughly unrealistic and I'd just got so used to him and mitigating the effects of his decisions I would second guess myself. I also felt lots of obligation and guilt towards him and how I dreaded a confrontation.

I'm just sorry that a hard time is being made harder by someone you should be able to rely on to support you.
You sound so lovely and you've done so much. I would be so proud if my dd could handle things with such aplomb and still be trying to look out for her brother in such circumstances. In fact I'd be impressed she hadn't given him a thick ear!

You do not have to open the door to him. You can leave him on the doorstep. You can even call the police and have him removed.

You have more power here than you feel that you do. It's not about what you can do, it's about what you are willing to do.

I really feel for you. It must be horrible to understand that this is your brother and see him with fresh eyes.

I am a terrible people pleaser and quite scared of confrontation so I do understand your deep desire to keep the peace. Your brother actually sounds very similar to my father, and I've spent a lot of time entrenched in putting him first (he came to visit from abroad and it turned into a never ending stay where he drunk a lot and behaved very badly) I had to ask him to leave and things did come to a head when I had children. I can say that since I stuck up for myself we have had some quite bad arguments and upsets but overall our relationship is much better and I feel much less angry as a person. Think about your feelings in this, and your fathers, you are not your brother's carer and the quicker you get him out the house the cleaner the process will be. Does he drink, gamble, or have any addictive habits? His behaviour sounds very familiar. I also wondered about writing him a letter if he is very hard to talk to, putting your points across very clearly, which would be a cathartic exercise anyway. Also I wanted to say well done, you've made some brave decisions regarding the care of your father and can and will continue to do so. I'm sorry you have this extra stress to deal with, it is completely unfair, but I'm positive you will come through it.

OP you have done an amazing job looking after DF and getting the the right care package for him. Your B is sabotaging this, SS will and should revise the funding if a family member is 'caring', paying your B is all the evidence they need.

Your B's behaviour is elder abuse and you have an obligation to protect your father. You need to deal with this horrible situation. Might be worth speaking to the Court of Protection. Age Concern could be a,good source of information and support.

You are in an awful position and I do empathize

God I am so angry at your brother on you and your dads behalf

you deserve so much better and so does your dad, he deserves the care package you fought so hard to get into place

I'd get legal advice and evict your brother, it doesnt sound as if you'd be losing much by losing him

you can see what'll happen here op, your brother will stay put and your dad will lose the care package, then when reality kicks in your brother will bugger off and you and your dad will be up shit creek without a paddle....and will your brother care?..will he hell.

you need to get hard here and save your caring for your own family and your dad, not and I repeat NOT for your ars**e of a brother.

oh and BTW theres an elderly parents section here, you'll find others caring for family with dementia there.

x a million for you.

OP, you need him out.

I understand not wanting to fall out with a family member, but some people are just not capable of maintaining good, fair and equal relationships with family. They will take everything given to them, never be grateful for it, and always feel hard done-by. They can be perfectly nice people when things are going their way, but when they're crossed, their true colours are plain to see.

We have a very nice family member - who has been bailed out financially on many occasions, cannot be trusted with money, asks for huge favours and help at a moment's notice and throws a tantrum if they are refused, has cut contact between children and grandchildren on more than one occasion, and will never, ever put anyone else's needs before their own.

But no-one wants to fall out, so everyone tiptoes around them and tries to keep them happy, and it's never, ever enough.

Your dad is worth your care and worry. Your brother, right now, is not. He is an adult who has made his own choices, and is capable of making his own decisions now. Your dad doesn't have that capacity any more, and he needs you to make the choices that protect him. Your brother sounds like he will bleed everybody dry as long as he is OK, and then will take off into the sunset without a backward glance.

I feel for you, OP, but you can't protect both of them, so it surely has to be the one who doesn't have the option of standing up for themselves?

I think you need to take legal advice.
As POA do you have the right to change locks and tell him he cant live there? Surely your father can't actively consent to him living there?
I honestly think he will hang on in that house way past your father going to a care home, you wont be able to sell it with a squatter in it and he will be living rent free.

Your dad's SW will, sadly, have come across this sort of thing before. So, whilst it's distressing and all consuming for you, it will be bread and butter to them. So, ask them organise a carer's meeting and explain to your brother what is involved in being a carer and how dementia manifests itself, and, how he's not a suitable carer.

I think you're amazing and that your dad is very lucky to have a daughter who cares for him the way you do.

Are the live in carers easy to talk with? Maybe have a 'review meeting' as it's been a few weeks. DB present, carers, DH and maybe the carers supervisor (if there is one?).
You can all be frank and get someone (a carer) to suggest DB take over for 48 hours to see if his suggestion is viable.
After the 48 hour trial, it will be clear to everyone as to DBs ability and commitment.
But then, why should your Dad go through 48 hours of inadequate care?
God, this is awful for you.

I don't know - the worst scenario is that DB takes over the care, fails miserably and DF goes to care home.

I don't think they can force the sale of DF's house if DB is in it but perhaps they can reclaim the money later??

I think you need to separate all that you have done to get to where you are and what the future holds.

This happens in most care cases ime, one family member takes the burden.

I would speak to a solicitor, to see how the finances stand, what having DP in house means and what constitutes cruelty. I would think you have the carers in situ for however long the initial agreement was, you need to know what the decision will be if DB is in the house after the agreement ends, speak to Social Services, but possibly not the dept that instigated the care package, and CAB and solicitor possibly.

Trying to persuade a stubborn and selfish individual to be sensible and considerate is probably wasting your time.

He has a house nearby with a tenant in it. He scoffed at the idea of going to work. He does not want to work. He has skills and could find work i suspect relatively easily. It might not be great paid work but he could get a job.

Missing the meds is dangerous - if he's not doing that correctly, then what other caring responsibilities is he swerving?
It is HE who should be contributing towards bills and household running, not him expecting a cut of the benefits that should be used for his dad's care.
Your brother is greedy and lazy and will be in for a shock when there is a time when he can't freeload from anyone. Then what - will he be expecting handouts from you? The sooner you address it, the better.
Unless he is genuinely wanting to care for your dad (& he can prove this by doing carers training, e.g. First aid as a start) then he should sod off and stand on his own two feet.
Your dads situation getting and keeping the support he needs is too fragile to risk.

OP I am angry on your behalf just reading this thread.

How very dare your B waltz in and try to disrupt the hard won care package that you have managed to get put in place to allow your DF to stay in his own house as long as possible. I dare say your B is not doing it consciously - I am sure he genuinely believes that he wants to support your DF but doesn't get that it's a 24/7 job that no one can be up to, particularly one who's a workshy gadabout.

OP you owe it to your DH and DC to sort this out. Yes it may not leave much of a relationship with your B, but to be frank it doesn't sound like you have much of one anyway. If you don't, if I was your DH I'd start to feel a little resentful - he's supported you through the hard times of getting the care package in place, now if you don't take some action about your B, it will end and guess who will be left to pick up the pieces?

I'm so sorry about all of this you sound like such a lovely caring person, but you do need to take up some of the suggestions above and get your B out of the house, oh and stop giving him your money please.

Hi op ive just read the thread and I can resonate with it. My younger brother (28) lives with my DGM and he takes the piss with her. He doesn't work and just sits on his pc in the living room from the moment he gets up till he goes to bed.

I dread the day she passes as he will be homeless as the house will be devided between the three sons. He will then assume as she does now that some one in the family will take him on or he will be allowed to stay on in the house. No one will allow that. Because we have all talked to him about getting his act together but he wont. Why would he ? He has free board and lodgings and Sky tv and the Internet, he also dropped out of college because he thought he knew better than the tutors. Tbh I think people like this have a personality disorder and no reasoning will get through as they genuinly do believe they know what's best. Even if it's at the detriment of every one else or them selves.

Your dad is priorty here, not the feelings of a able bodied and minded adult and you do need to get tough to protect the funded you managed to get him. Your father really needs you to fight for this for him.

Good luck

I have legal advice, I know I can change locks evict him etc. but that is not the road I want to got down. If my dad went into a care home the local authority put a charge on the house that has to be paid back once he dies. But would be a nightmare if DB still living there as presumable would still want all his bills paid and it would mean that the house could not be rented out to offset some of the care costs.

My brother is too arrogant to accept the 48 hour trail idea. He wont accept that he does not know it all now.

I dont think my brother would put my dad in any danger over a few days or a week but he would not have the stamina for the long haul of caring. I wouldnt, few people do but most people realise their limitations!

I care for a family member and understand your situation but the reality is your brother has an income from his property he can use to find a flat share till he can give his tenants notice.

I have a son who I suspect wants to care for his brother because of the house and money involved and ive put steps in place to ever stop it happening even though I know he loves his brother a lot.

Stop dilly dallying and get your brother out of the house.

It really is as simple as that.

You keep on coming up with excuses not to have to do things and it's all because you can't face doing what you must do.

So the reality is that you are going to have to go along with your brother being there and just face each problem as it arises.

I really don't think your brother is there to care for him, it's a free place for him to live. He hasn't give any thought about him in the last years so this is just a convenient place for him to stay.

If you lose that funding your father is going to be fucked. If we were in that position I have no doubt that my brother would be turfed out. But I have three uncles and they are all on the page so have the united front. Plus one of them is our father and he would still do it. You can't continually help some one who won't help them selfs.

I think your DH needs to support you more here and give you the back up you need. You know your DB is taking the piss and he has to move out. He wont one morning wake up and think 'hey, dad needs me move on so he can get the help he needs'

At the moment you are choosing your db over your dad.

thanks Tequila it like he has a personality disorder. I try to explain something and he is on the defensive straight away. All his life he has always known everything. Does you nan like having your brother around?

The thing is as things stand now my brother is taking my dad out and is I actually helping. I am worried about the future consequences. It may be that he will only be able to do this for a short space of time. My DM's dementia quickly progressed from her going on nice little walks, to not really being able to manage it anymore. Same with cars, she forgot how to get into them, could not understand that she had to use her leg to step in, so all journeys got difficult. So it may not be long before that phase has passed and your Dad is more house bound. Will your brother really be able to stand that? It is pretty intense being with someone 24/7, especially if the other person is like a child and not capable of rational conversation.

I can guess that DB would come round to my house when he knows DH is at work and rant and rave at me. It will he horrible. Don't let him in. He seems to be totally disregarding you in his plans for a work -free life. Why would you want to have him in your house?

Incidentally, if he has a house nearby already then if you need to sell your Dad's house for care then surely he could not claim he has nowhere else to go?

But would be a nightmare if DB still living there as presumable would still want all his bills paid and it would mean that the house could not be rented out to offset some of the care costs

Where would the bill money come from, DF's pension?, where would the money for care costs come from, you?

If someone requires nursing care in a care home I believe their pension goes towards this and they get an allowance. So DF might have no money just small allowance.

What would SS do if DB cared badly, ie didn't cope, would they step in with trained carers?

I am asking because if there was no money for bills might DB move out? Just wondering if realizing he cannot live there long term might make him do something now, ie look for work.

I mean this kindly (honestly) but stop being so nice and reasoning with him, or hoping he'll come to see things your way (he won't) and evict his sorry arse.

Your priorities in this situation seem to have got muddled. They are 1. Your dh and children 2. Your ddad 3. Yourself.

You can't stop him seeing you as the bad guy in all this. Ask yourself why you need his approval. You have POA for a reason - to act in your dad's best interests. No one said it would be nice and it isn't.

(I am in a similar and even more fucked up position btw so am not without sympathy but I don't have POA so its like watching a car crash in slow motion).

Yes she does fedup which makes it really difficult to intervene at this point. When my DGF passed he moved in a few months later and my DGM was lonely and grieving. She says he laughs like him and its a comfort.

He has been there seven years now. she has paid for his driving lessons because he used the excuse that travel was to far, she loaned him £1500 for a cheap car so he could get a job but he crashed it with in a week and still hasn't paid her a penny back.

At first I used to go mad at his behavour but nan would get upset and at one point I would go round if he was in.

But if it ever got to a point were he was compromising Her well being - id pack his stuff myself.

I disagree that your DB is short-sighted. I think he is looking long term at his own interests. His timing is too precise.

Now that he is nicely installed at your dad's house, he will not move of his own accord for anyone or anything.

They can't sell your dad's house to fund his care while your DB is living there. I suspect he knows this.

When you inherit the house, he will refuse to move out. You will have to evict him to get him out. I suspect he's aware of that, too, and is banking on you being too nice to confront him.

Now. Do you prefer to evict him now, or later?

And don't worry about bad feeling or upsetting him: he obviously doesn't care a jot about your feelings. I bet he isn't losing sleep over this!