to be so angry with brother

[fedupcarer]

My dad has dementia and I have looked after him for years. My brother did not help. Despite being single with no children. Indeed going travelling just as my dad got bad. Leaving me with a young family needing to stay the night at my dad's house.

Anyway dad is now really bad and I have after loads and loads of meetings and work manged to get a 24hour care package for him in his own home. But I have been told the funding for it will be reviewed monthly. It was really, really hard to get this funding.

My brother has now decided to come home from his travels and move in with my dad as an additional carer. At first he didn't make his intentions clear so I thought he was just staying for a while, so was glad of the support. He has now said he is staying permanently.

My brother is unreliable, he could not be left to care for my dad without a carer. He is helping with dad at the moment but it is all on his terms - taking him out for walks and sitting in the sun in the garden with him. He is not doing the hard graft of personal care and nights.

He expects to live at my dad's with all bills paid and just wont listen to my concerns about loosing the care package. He has no intention of getting a job, he even suggested he is given £100 a week as payment.

I am so upset and angry and know why dad would be disgusted at my brother choosing not to work if he had capacity.

I have power of attorney for my dad but really dont want it come to me having evict him - but I am terrified dad will loose the funding (if it appears he has a family member doing the caring) and I know from the past that my brother will bugger of leaving me to pick up the pieces if he had to look after dad alone.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for your replay and I understand why you think the offer of money would help but practically it not possible. The house is left between us. I cant offer him money from the house as firstly where would I get the money - while my dad is living in the house. Secondly this funding I have is not for life, it will be reviewed regularly- it is likely that as my dad gets worse he may become more 'docile' so he will loose eligibility. He may well need to go in a nursing home in the future and the house would be need to be used to pay for that. I dont know what the future will hold so I need to try and preserve as much of my dads money as I can, just in case.

Of course, of course.

Does your brother realise that the likeliest scenario is the sale of the house to fund your Dads ongoing care?

This is a really difficult situation OP and I feel for you. It's clear that you've worked hard to get to this point and it's clear that your DBro is totally clueless. I think your Dads SW is your best bet here.

What does your DH think?

My DH is furious. Our life has been on hold for a year. DH has basically been a single parent to the kids while I have cared for my dad. Even in the 2 years before that we were doing alot for my dad. He felt now we at last had 24/7 care in place we would be able to relax a bit.

My brother is too shortsighted to see that my dad will need a nursing home. I fought really hard to keep my dad at home. I believe that is the right thing for my dad now. But as the illness progresses and my dad is less aware of his surroundings it will probably reach a point when a nursing home is the best place.

He says he does not care if we loose the funding as he will look after my dad until he dies. But I absolutely know for certain that he wont. He 100% believes he will now. But he has no concept of how hard it will be if the 2 carers are not there.

How is your brother supporting himself? He said to you he deserves a wage?
If he is free loading then can the SW discuss deprivation of assets with you? If your brother is using your father's entitlement for himself then that is a reason Vulnerable adult teams will investigate. If he is depriving your ddad for his own gain then he cannot be his carer. It also would be SS and not you being the bad guy.
I'm having phone troubles so I apologize if I have missed a post where you mention this. It may be a complete punt but thought I'd mention it as have had experience of similar and it was basically a cash siphon with a permanent residence at the end. Callous.

If that's not applicable then I would have to sacrifice my relationship with my brother in order to protect my dad. His needs are more than feelings, they are his health and life and death. I would evict him without a second thought after he withheld medication from a vulnerable and unwell person through idleness. That is not an act of love that speaks louder than any words of his disdain. Most people wouldn't deprive an animal of its medicine had they been asked to give it let alone someone they love.
You are really beating yourself up about this and by no means taking it lightly even in the face of significant consequences - would your brother do the same for you?

I should pint out hex that DB only came home and moved in once the carers were in place. He was nowhere to be seen before when I needed help.

That said though - after his failure to give tablets correctly last July I never asked him. But he knew I was needing to stay at dad's house half the week to stop him wandering at night. I had a carer I paid (from dad's money) on the other days. He never offered to do a night.

He is not supporting himself at all. All bills are paid and the house has a £150 a week shopping budget. Part of the deal with carers is all food is provided. Although he has asked me for money (£100) a week for his expenses. At the time I still thought he was only there temporarily whilst the carers settled in, so did initially but reluctantly agree. I thought it was for a few weeks to tide him over until he got a job sorted out.

It is only as a result of the now permanent status and all the questions from social service etc about how much of the care he is doing and him being included in the care plan that I have realised that this was a mistake.

He's really taking advantage of a vulnerable person (your dad) isn't he?

I know you would prefer to not fall out with him, as you say - who would prefer to fall out with people? But it may be the price you have to pay to ensure that your dad is not going to lose out here.

The consequences for you falling out with your brother are upset and stress and the hassle of forcing him out of the home.

The consequences of you not getting him out are potentially social services leap on the fact there is an adult living in the home, your dad loses his care package, your brother fails to care for him and you have to go back to it and start the fight for care all over again AND have to go through all of the above to get your brother out.

He thinks he should get my father's attendance allowance as he is 'attending' . I have tried to explain it is the carers that are attending not him. He just gets angry. Prior to the 24/7 care I used the attendance allowance to cover things like extra nursery hours for my son while I took my dad to an appointment, shopping delivery charges or for items I bought my dad things like speak the time clocks, large button phone etc. Brother knows I used to spend it, I was always up front about it, so now he wants it.

He is trying to bleed your dad dry. He wants to use your dad's vulnerability and current situation to create a bill free life for himself and have you/your dad give him cash too. This isn't about him caring for your dad, this is about him getting what he sees as his share of the loot. He is using your dad.

You would not be unreasonable to be furious about this and say that it stops now because it has the potential to become financial abuse of a vulnerable person.

I know fenella, you are right I just wish it all wasn't going to come to a confrontation with loads of bad feeling. And it is all so embarrassing that the carers will obviously be aware of the situation and no doubt my brother will try to stir up friends and relatives. Feels all so Jeremy Kyle!

I know this contradictory but I do sort of feel sorry for my brother he has no one and nothing. I have a nice home and family. But I work, my husband works - DB is work shy and never sticks at anything. DH goes mad when I offer this view of feeling sorry for him that he is how he is.

There is no one that can speak to him. My husband who is normally good in mediation situations tried but he said DB is so arrogant and short sighted he wont even consider that there is another opinion.

I think my first step might be to try speaking to him again and if that does not work I will stop all money. So I will do the food shopping rather than giving him the money to do it. I could also maybe get the phone/internet stopped for a while. He has ran up a bill calling mobiles. When I asked him not to call them from a land line - he was affronted as he had not been given enough money to top up his mobile.

Don't waste time doing PA stuff like withholding the food money. He's already shown that if you don't give him money he will steal from your dad a that's the phone bill. Stealing. And the carers will need a phone line if something happens to your dad.

Get tough. You must have been tough to get that care package in place. Your brother is a parasite stealing from an old man. You must get him put out.

Well he can't have it without caring and he us unable to care for your father.
In fact it really is as simple as that - he is unable to care for your father. He cannot meet his needs.

Everything else is a corollary. The fact that his presence will affect care provision wouldn't be a problem if he could provide it. There wouldn't be an issue with carer's allowance etc if he was caring - he can't.
There would likely be a natural resolution to the house situation once your dad's care needs changed if your brother was his carer.
But he cannot do it. It doesn't even really need motives ascribed to it - is it disregard, arrogance, denial, good but unrealistic intention - finding out why will not make a difference because you can't actually fix or change the fundamental personality of another person and just the brief description you have given here leads me to believe this is an aspect of his rather...self interested personality and not merely a lack of understanding that can be supported away.

If I may make a crass comparison - this is the reason my dc is not allowed a small pet. I have given chances to prove he is responsible enough and will care for it. He was not and did not. He still tells me everyday how much he wants one and will do everything for it. Absolutely. Definitely. No doubt. Everything. He will say this as he watches me do animal chores he refuses to do by neglecting them. I am in charge. I have a responsibility for that animal's welfare. His angry indignation is just tough.
My ds's excuse is that he is a child. Your brother doesn't have that excuse, you are not in charge of his actions and the stakes are so very much higher.
I have so much empathy with you. It's a soul destroying, exhausting place to be and it effects every member of the family. You didn't see your husband or children and your brother wasn't there. Now he will definitely, absolutely do it? You know he can't.
Do you think your relationship would survive if things went entirely his way? I don't think it would tbh. So the choice he's pushing you into is - fall out and get your dad the best care you can or fractious, tenuous relationship, resentment over the treatment of your dad and then fall out with him.
I don't think there's a 3rd option that saves your relationship, keeps him happy and your dad safe. I truly wish I could give it to you though. Let's hope for wiser heads than mine

it sounds like the last thing you or your dad need.

I don't think stopping all money is going to help your dad. It just leaves him in this situation longer and leaves more time for social services to decide that he is adequately cared for.

Plus you have to be realistic about what your brother will do. Will he sell something of your dad's? Will he make your dad's home life stressful?

I don't think there is any way to go about this that isn't going to result in your brother having a tantrum but it seems like you may just have to be ok with that and see it as his problem. You are just doing what you have to do for your dad.

Thanks Bernard...you are right the stakes are high.

The thing that struck me reading this is the incredible toll caring for your father took on your own family - overnights there every night, son in nursery for extra sessions. Are you really willing to risk your own family to avoid confrontation with your brother? Seems to me that he'd willingly throw your family life under the bus to enable his dosser lifestyle. Your kids are small and need you - this phase in their lives is vanishingly short and precious. Your husband is a gem, but caring for your father must have put a strain on yoyr relationship. To me there is no question your brother has to go. His lifestyle, his choices, his consequences. My question to you: why are you enabling him at the expense of your own family and father?

Sorry if the above sounds harsh and challenging, as you seem like a very caring and decent person and I appreciate you are trying to do right by everyone. Perhaps you are too decent in this scenario?

Sorry took so long to post there were more replies.

The more you say the clearer cut this becomes.

I don't want this to read as harshly as it will no doubt come across: this is beginning to look more like your problem actually. Your DH has the measure of him but you are still holding out for something you are never going to get.
I don't know about your background together but you seem to be feeling the same way many of us with an abusive parent feel. He is an adult, he made his own choices. He won't ever be what you want. You can't change him.
Unfortunately that means right now you've been put in a position to act against his wishes.
He didn't have a great relationship with your dad, you know how your dad would feel about this.
I may well be flamed but no matter how much he loves your father your brother's feelings just aren't important enough to trump the needs of so many people, first and foremost your ddad but also you, DH and your dc. They just aren't.

And it is so shit. All of it. And why do you have to deal with this as well? Not fair and it's upsetting. I do hope your SW can actually be of help here though. I hope I haven't offended, it wasn't my intention. I feel for you all.

I obviously would get the food. Not leave my dad and the carers without. But by giving my brother £150 a week for food he can siphon some of himself. I just thought maybe if he had absolutely no cash, it might focus his mind more on getting a job. I honestly dont think he would sell anything. To be honest there is nothing of value to sell there bar a couple of TVs.
Even when we tried to talk to DB we weren't suggesting he moves out immediately. I put in terms of getting a job and getting himself sorted out as something to work towards. He was so furious at even the suggestion of a job. I cant get over it I suppose I am reeling with the shock of him thinking he does not have to work like the rest of us.

I am not all offended Bernard... I know your right. I just hate confrontation. I am not really into social media etc but that is why I posted here I wanted to get the opinions of others. I genuinely wanted to know if DB's view of the situation was in any way valid and was I maybe over reacting.

Small family or not, he is a twat and a dangerous twat at that. To protect yourself, your children, Your dh and - most importantly - your Df, you may have to sacrifice your relationship with your brother. It wouldn't be too great a loss as he appears to add little positivity to your life. My mum had to do it with her sister about 15 years ago. Very painful in some ways, but actually a relief.

Thanks Dust bunny. I know what you mean about enabling at the expense of my family. The thing is as things stand now my brother is taking my dad out and is I actually helping. I am worried about the future consequences. And I suppose those consequences might not happen. We may not loose the funding and all will be a bed of roses. But DB is just too short sighted to even consider what I am saying and delusional about his own capabilities.

I know I am saying the same things over and over again- I just have to be certain before I evict him - as there will no going back from the devastation that will cause. I can guess that DB would come round to my house when he knows DH is at work and rant and rave at me. It will he horrible.

Omg what an incredibly tough situation.
Can you support your bro in finding accommodation and work nearby?
There is nothing to be lost in showing your bro as much kindness as you can as it's a hard situation for him too.
But you can be firm about the reasons why he needs to move out.

Once you're ready to do this - How would you get him out?