Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

I would not invite him - no question. In the confines of a soft play venue a child cannot be supervised 100% of the time as they are out of sight or at the top of slides etc.

Your primary concern is your son, not the feelings of a 5 yr old boy who likes to terrorize him.

I would not be fuming if my child was left out of a whole class party because he'd repeatedly attacked the host!

I'd be mortified, but not fuming!

And if my "Frank" was behaving in this way, I would totally expect him to be excluded. It would be for me to manage, not the other party.

Of course they do, five. They probably don't hear it enough... My abiding memory of playgroups (so a lot younger than 4) was that the children causing mayhem, grabbing toys, clobbering other kids over the head for the sheer hell of it and so on; were, to a man, the ones who's mums either looked on smiling adoringly at their atrocious behaviour, or hid in the kitchen taking an hour to make a cup of coffee so they didn't have to either see it or deal with it.
The ones who were regularly told "no" got it quite quickly.

We're still working on that with our 10 yr old five, so I'm not convinced it's as simple as understanding "no"
When ds is calm, he understands that we don't hit, don't hurt other people. As soon as he is revved up, that understanding goes out of the window and he hits and hurts people. He doesn't like it at all, and hates that he loses control when things don't feel right, but slowly we're getting there.
At 4 it's still developmentally normal to not quite get social niceties and how to behave towards other children. Just because the majority of his peers are "there" and he's not doesn't make him a little shit or not nice. There is a chance he may have ASD or ADHD, but equally there's a chance he just needs more supervision and steering than his peers until he does understand.
Ostracising and isolating him at this young age will probably mean that he feels more frustrated and is more likely to take it out on his classmates.

I've got the brass neck to have no qualms whatsoever about calling a parent when her kid has thumped mine. None at all.

I would never leave 1 child out a class out though. Because no matter what, that's another 4yr old sitting at home upset because they're not invited.

Of course you can do it. Your party, your rules.

I had 37 when dd was in preschool. Softplay hell? Absolutely.

I would invite Frank, as others have suggested, I would also tell the mother in no uncertain terms that your own son is scared of Frank and therefore at the first sign of fisticuffs, Frank gets sat on a chair to wait to be collected. That's what happened at our soft play, the owner used to do the bouncer bit.

Don't invite Frank. He can learn that being a horrible bullying little shit means you don't get invited to parties. Let your son invite the kids he wants there.

Will he be in the same class as Frank next year? You may need to think about long-term and what DS is learning about how to manage difficult situations. Frank isn't going to conveniently cease to exist, unless one of you is about to move away. So I would go with a group of adults on Frank patrol, and putting Frank in time out quickly, and lots of talking to DS about how to avoid/include people but not allow them to spoil things.

Being the only one not invited to the party, could make him a target for bullying.

I certainly haven't and nor would I use the phrase 'little shit' to describe a child.

How other people parent is down to them.

But, I'm not having people around my own beloved children who harm them in any way. They are children, not punch bags or an outlet for somebody else's frustration, bad day or irritation. They will not be hit, harmed or hurt - I would not allow anyone near them who did.

If the reason a child hurts my child is because of factors outside of his control, I regret that and sympathise, but their child is not my responsibility.

There is no way I'd invite a child to a party who scared my DC. Not bloody happening.

I also wonder why Frank has lost interest in your son in terms of their school friendship. If he was unaware that his behaviour was upsetting or hurtful, surely he'd be pursuing the friendship as ususal? I think if Frank is still trying to be friends, then perhaps there's an underlying issue. If he isn't, he obviously does not like your DS - in which case, not on the list. I do feel for you though OP. But you're not a prick at all

I wouldn't be fuming if my son was left out, but I would feel very hurt on his behalf.

It's quite sad to see that so many would write a small child off as a bully without trying to have some understanding of how children develop and deciding to put a little more effort into accommodating that child and helping him to learn not to behave like that.

He's not being excluded because his parents drive the "wrong sort" of car or live in the "wrong" part of town or because he's not sporty / smart / popular, he's being excluded because he's a bully and OP's DS is frightened of him.

If it was a child of mine who had been "a bit rough" with another child I would certainly not expect mine to be invited to the others birthday party! If they got upset over it then of course I would be sad for them, but I would also be sitting them down and explaining why they could not go to said child's birthday party, and that they needed to be nicer to them in future.

My initial instinct would be not to invite him, however if you are able I would speak to Frank's parents and make it clear that his attendance at the party is predicated on good behaviour, and the attendance of one of his parents to ensure said behaviour. If possible I would also try to arrange a one-to-one with both boys before hand so Frank could apologise - that may go some way to relieving DS's fears of him on the day. Ultimately it's your DS's birthday and on that day his happiness is paramount.

On the leaving alone at party issue... In my neck of the woods, once they are in Reception, we tend to drop and run.

It's pretty normal from age 3 here (smallish village, everyone knows everyone).

There's a difference between being a bit rough, which is fine, just needs gentle reminders, and spending two hours just harming another four year old.

25+ five year olds???? You must be mad.
Invite 5 and save yourself a lot of trouble. Your DS will still have a wonderful time.

As someone who was bullied at school, I would suggest you speak to his parents as there might be something you are not aware of.

However if your son is scared of this child,he should not have to endure him at his birthday party just because it would not be fair on Frank to not be the only one invited. No child should ever be left cowering in a corner.

Such a split thread

Well how do you feel about it OP? You are the only one who knows Frank and his mother. How comfortable do you feel about leaving out one child in the class. DO you feel comfortable saying to the mother that as your child was so upset at Franks party that she either needs to come and stay or or you will ring her to collect him if he gets too rough or to scale the party down a little to say 15 kids.

With hindsight DS enjoyed the parties that weren't whole class parties more than the big ones but thats your choice.

In a perfect world I would invite Frank, and then explain to his parents that they should be the ones stopping him from actually attending the party because of his poor behaviour towards your son.

Not inviting him (and getting to feel like the bad guy) is like you punishing him when that should be his parents responisilbity.

This is a really tricky situation and i'm not surprised there are so many opposing views.

Gosh this is tough! I feel for you having to make this decision.

I think on balance I wouldn't invite him. Your son had a terrible time at Frank's party and is understandably scared of him now.

He won't look forward to his own party if you tell him Frank has to come. How can that be fair?

I couldn't disregard my son's feelings in favour of another child who bullies him.

There was a terrible to-do at DS's school recently when a very small number of children out of a class weren't invited to a party. The hosts had very good reasons to not invite them and stuck to their guns through the absolute shitstorm that followed, said shitstorm vindicating their decision actually.

There is no way i would force my child to have another child that they are scared of and dont want there just because its the 'nice' thing to do.

Yes 'Frank' is a little boy but so is the OP's son.

Op the child was mean and horrid to your ds, as a result your ds is understandably scared of him. Do not invite this boy to your ds party, but have a smaller party or invite half the class, and another made up of other friends.

I've went through so many different emotions & changed my mind loads reading this.

Drop 5 kids including Frank.
Why should the other 4 miss out ?

Bullying sounds so harsh for such young toots?

Your little one is priority it's their special day but I think there's more to it & maybe try & find out why Frank is behaving in such a manner.

Sometimes (not saying it is okay) we lash out when we are backed into a corner.

I would contact Frank's Mum.
Is coffee before an option?
Have a chat tell her your concerns & see where it goes?

Try & flip it so it doesn't appear like going against your DS wishes (they are children adults should be the decision makers) & use it as a learning tool - about not singling anyone out.

I feel anxious reading this as I can't bear the thought of my little one being Frank/ the uninvited one.

I so hope it can be resolved not just for the party for both their sakes & their school lives going forward

I definitely wouldn't invite 'Frank' if my DS has specifically said that he didn't want him there. But I also don't think I could invite the whole class and leave Frank out.

If it was me in your position, I would invite his good friends from his class - maybe half the class - and then invite friends/neighbours/cousins from outside school to make up the other numbers! That way no-one will feel purposely excluded as only half the class are going, but also Frank is not invited.

But that's just me, and I have form for overthinking things and making things more complicated just to be diplomatic!