Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

Don't put your son's enjoyment of his birthday party in second place, behind your desire to be seen to doing the "right thing". Don't invite him, and then explain to Frank's parents (if you want) why.

My head says don't invite him BUT my heart says do, but ask his mum to keep an eye on him.

My DS was bullied at 4. After that and up to the age of 10 (we moved) this 'bully' was DS1's best friend. His bodyguard even! DP when young had a 'friend' that basically stole every good toy DP had (he was spoilt!) and treated DP like crap, 'I won't be your friend unless you give me your Evel Kneivel bike' kind of stuff. They're both 42 now and are the best of friends.

in fairness, Molly, at his party she had a roomful of 4 / 5 yr olds to supervise, plus a cake / tea / entertainment. She'll only need to deal with Frank at this one. I'd also guess that a parent is going to be less inclined to give their own child the required level of bollocking at their own birthday party / "special day" as on any other day...

Ah, x post. If your ds doesn't want him there, then that is very, very different.

I think you should talk to his mum. Tell her that after what happened at the party, your ds is now scared of "Frank". That you would have loved to invite him to the party, but he is scaring your ds. Make sure that she is very aware that your ds is frightened to play with her ds. If another child was scared of my ds, I would want to know. Her reaction will tell you if this can be salvaged.

If your DS is afraid of him, his party will be ruined if Frank will be there. Doesn't matter how mean you will feel, your DS's feelings are more important.

You can't leave one child out I don't think...just keep an eye on the situation. I also think 4 is too young to be left at a party... Parents still should be around to supervise at that age.

Not inviting him would be just dodging the issue as well as unkind behaviour towards a four year old child.

And find a proper way of dealing with the issue of Frank's behaviour towards your son, (and perhaps other ways of supporting your son)

Did you talk to his parents afterwards?

I would not leave him out. However, I would deal with any issues robustly

Frank sounds absolutely dreadful but I think you should invite him. God knows why Frank behaves the way he does but not sure if you should isolate him. Particularly if all the kids talk about the party on Monday morning.

Tough decision though.

i wouldn't invite him
why would you? your ds does not need to be bullied at his own party

Do NOT invite him and do not invite his mother to stay, as she could not even control his bullying behaviour at his own party. Just wtf!?

(although I would feel exactly as 7am does.)

may I also raise the point that your son was probably a little too young to be left alone at a party - particularly if you were aware of issues with the child in question

He'd been left before and since with no issues, I disagree that he's too young. But I shouldn't have left him at that one. His face when I found him was heartbreaking and I'm still getting pangs of awful guilt now.

I wouldn't invite him, no way! Do you want your child to be on edge scared and nervous the whole time on his birthday?!
No one will know you have invited everyone bar this child unlike that all other parents will mention it. Plus out of 25 kids bound to have least 4/5 that are no show so it could looke they are not invited.
Maybe when the child is bit older you could try again but if he's kicking and being horrid in front of his own parents I don't think someone else's are going to be a deterrent either.
Ask your child if he wants invite horrid child or no party if he says no party then you have your answrr

I would either:
Invite the whole class bar about 5, with Frank in the uninvited.
Or:
Change your party plans to be a small at-home party with just 5 or 6 DCs
Or:
Invite Frank, tell his parents both about the previous party terror and that someone must be with him and that if he behaves like he did at his own party he will be leaving.
Hopefully doing all that will mean that Frank's parents refuse to allow him to come and cut you dead in the playground and tell Frank never to go near your DS.

Tell your son it's kinder to invite him and that he doesn't want to be horrible like Frank and that if he does come and is nasty AT ALL he will be going home straight away?

I've just had this. With dd on the point of tears when I said she couldn't leave her 'Frank' out. (She will be 4)

In the end we scaled back the party to only the children who are leaving preschool this year. 'Frank' technically is still part of that group, but not going to the same school.

PS I would also be saying to Frank's parents that you are very very surprised they did not notice that your DS was being terrorised by Frank was sitting on his own with his coat on and asking to be sent home, and yet did not contact you to come and get him.

Basically if you criticise their parenting enough they won't bother sending him.

On the leaving alone at party issue... In my neck of the woods, once they are in Reception, we tend to drop and run. But only if you actually know the other parents and if you think your dc will be ok.

But there are many parents who will.offer to help out and stay. Or stay for a bit, pop out for a quick coffee, pop back etc.

I don't think the OP should be judged for not staying at the party. I'm sure she's done that to herself quite enough.

Tbh it would seem as though your ds will be scared even if he is there, I would just scale down the party, you don't have to put ds through that.

Yes, I would leave him out. Until he learns to behave. He's 4 - he isn;t going to have any insight at all into why he hasn't been invited to a party some weeks/months after his own. And you will be that parent who left one 4 year old out of a whole class party.

Either invite them all or invite half - 15 is still plenty big enough for a party and your DS can't be bestest friends with all other 28 children.

I too wouldn't have left a four year old but I suppose if thats the norm round your way then it's OK - I would have been worried about DS behaving himself at 4 rather than being bullied but either way keeping an eye on them for parties during reception is the norm around here.

7am. He is a 4 or 5 year old child. Not a little shit.
Children develop at hugely different rates, even when not allowing for ADHD or ASD.

Writing a child off as a little shit can become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Child is not invited to every party, becomes more frustrated and separated from his/her peers.

It's awful that the op's son is scared of him, but with supervision, this can be avoided.

And whole class party in a soft play is going to be a zoo - you will never keep an eye on one child.

I think you should still invite Frank, if you are having the whole class, but have an adult on "Frank Patrol", watching him like a hawk and being very strict if he is misbehaving (to the point of pulling him out and asking his parents to collect him if necessary). We had a "Frank" at one of our parties when the kids were younger. I am pretty scary and he did exactly what he was told for me, once he realised I meant business:

"No, you are not going to stand on your chair and hit Geoff. You are going to sit down on your chair RIGHT NOW and eat your tea nicely."

I also might have got my revenge on Frank, by making sure he won the pass the parcel game before they went home, which may or may not have contained a very noisy musical instrument, and enjoyed waving Frank off, listening to him tootle loudly all the way down the street in his Mum's car...