Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

I spoke to Frank's mum and she did apologise for Frank's behaviour, said he can be a bit rough. That's fine, like I said, I should have insisted upon staying.

I haven't said to DS we won't be inviting him, I've been trying to explain that it wouldn't be nice to leave Frank out, but he's 4, and it's all a bit black and white for them isn't it?

You've all given some really good advice. Cheers.

If you invite him, you tel your son that he has to "put up and shut up" with bullies. Not a good idea, and your son's feelings come first.
Not inviting Frank is not necessarily a lesson for the little bully, but for his parents, that need to take him in hand.

It's fine to not invite him.

Parties are for nice children.

I never understand the concept of scaling down parties because you can't leave one badly behaved child out. All this "oh, just knock another 8 names off the list, that'll disguise the fact that you're excluding Frank".
Why should other children miss out on an invitation because they have to act as camouflage??

Hmmm. It's absolutely not on for your DS to feel threatened or afraid.

But it's also really unfair to demonise a 4 year old and exclude him when every other child in the class is invited.

DD is in Yr 1 and had a short period last year of being hit and called names by a boy in her class (who, turns out, is being assessed for extra needs). School nipped it in the bud and they're now good friends. His behaviour has improved massively. I was furious at the time but now feel bad for being so cross with a 5 year old.

Is there any particular reason you're having such a big party? At our school all the parties are for between 6 and 15. Much easier and no potential for excluding just one child.

Also, I really wish you hadn't chosen my DS's name as the naughty kid's alias .

KingJoff, sorry, but that's awful :(

He's 4.
So his behaviour is not in line with that of his peers, but that's not his fault.
No 4 yr old is deliberately bullying.

It's fine not to invite him if the party is smaller.
At this age, it is absolutely not ok to leave one child out.

I think they do deliberately bully, sorry.

At 4, my DS certainly knew not to run round making other children cry by hurting them!

I'm with French on this.

Don't invite the whole class..simples.

Invite about 8.

Or else you're setting a precedent for years to come.

Sorry Nomi I actually really like the name Frank. We wanted to give him a big party because he's never had one before, it will be the last big party for a long time.

Why do you have to invite everyone? If they are not even friends what's the point? To save franks feelings? Well he shouldn't have been such a nasty piece of work should he!
Don't invite your sons bully around to his house, his sanctuary on his own bloody birthday. If the boy doesn't like your son then he won't be bothered about not being invited will he.
I hope you do the right thing by your son and not his bully.

I wouldn't invite him, I wouldn't want someone who treated me like that at my party either.
I'm also shocked that Franks parents didn't call you when your DS was obviously so distressed.

To leave one child out at this age is a horrible thing to do. If it was my dc I would give the option of a smaller party, or Frank goes and I'll keep an eye on things. I'm sure Frank isn't going to be like that for ever. All children go through different phases. But it would be very unpleasant to leave out one 5 year old child.

Sorry forget the sanctuary/home bit my brain is not working at all today, I did read the thread but I've not got the best memory anyway.
(Steps away from the thread)

Five, that's brilliant that your son understood that at that age. My youngest understood that at 2.

Children develop at different rates.
Some children at that age will not have the empathy to understand that his/her actions are going to hurt others, or alienate themselves from others. It's up to adults to steer them in the right direction and supervise them until they get to a point where they do understand.
It only becomes bullying if the adults around the child allow the behaviour to carry on unchecked.

Sorry, that first sentence sounded like a stealth boast, it was only intended to illustrate how different children develop at different rates.
I still can't leave my 10 yr old unsupervised as he creates merry hell! (Suspected ASD)

If my child had been repeatedly hit/kicked by another and they told me they did not want to be around him - he wouldnt be invited. It's as simple as that.

I wouldn't put my sons feelings behind another child in this circumstance

But they do understand 'no' Le.

No you can't do that leave just one child out. Good God that's cruel and a type of bullying as you are intending to isolate him which is bullying, op. I'm not going to dress it up. Imagine if it were your child and that goes for anyone saying ' oh yes don't invite him. You'd be seething. As much as you all pretend and sing the "well they have to learn not everyone will love our little darlings! I wouldn't mind if my child was the only one not invited! Trust me you would mind.

I'm not surprised I wasn't called. It was a large party in a hall with about 40 children and DS was trying to hide. Could you imagine calling a parent to pick up their child because your child had hit them? Awkward. No, I'm not surprised.

Such a split thread.

She can leave one child out of they are attacking her son every time he sees him

Why should her son be scared of going to his own party because no one wants to upset the boy who is being agressive ?

DD who is 8 has ASD, but was never that way, my friends little boy who is the same age as dd, was like this little boy, and would intimidate and be mean to dd, he is still like this, he is being assessed for ASD, as he has gotten older, his symptoms are now worse. So SN is no excuse I know for being mean, but this child could have SN, by not inviting him, it will be noticed, and it will label this boy, and he will be seen as the naughty boy, like my friends ds. Don't invite him, but have a smaller party, or have 30, but 15 from his class, and say make it up with other children from other classes or outside that he might know.

I wouldn't invite Frank in this situation. Nearly 5 is old enough to understand the consequences of being deliberately unkind towards another child. IMO.

I wouldn't invite a child who did that to my DS.

The argument about hurting his feelings becomes invalid given his previous behaviour. What does that teach him - act like that and you'll be rewarded with an invite to the birthday of the child you bullied at your own party? Please.

Also if my child had been attacking another child he wouldn't be going to any party full stop. I certainly wouldn't expect the poor kid who had been attacked to endure his behaviour again!

If your DS doesn't want to invite Frank, then don't invite him. If parents won't protect their children from bullie because it seems impolite o exclude a bully from an event, what does that tell children?