Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

riveravon23, I feel so sorry for you and your son and other foster children. Not everyone excludes, I can think of 3 fostered children and 1 adopted who have been to parties at my house and on cinema/pizza birthday treats. Yes, there were some issues but basically lovely kids who had a rough start in life.

I remember one little girl very well, she was fostered long term, I think she was five when she was fostered and as far as I know she stayed with them long term (we moved a few years later but the plan was that she was going to stay.) I took my DD and a group of little girls to see Disney's Pocahontas and we were then going for something to eat. All went well till the point where John Smith was sailing away and she became totally hysterical about them being separated. I assume this was to do with what she had been through. I am ashamed to say as the mother of 4 that I was out of my depth. Eventually I had to lie to her, tell her they got married in the end and all was well. Lying isn't good is it? At least she was able to go and enjoy the meal. I hope she forgave me when she found out the truth.

It doesn't matter if Frank is Damian from the Omen or if he's got SN or not. You just don't invite a whole group, particularly one who've been brought together through force of circumstance and exclude one. Like you wouldn't invite the whole of your NCT class but one person for a coffee. You might invite a few or you might invite all but you never leave one single person out. It's rude and it's unkind.

Thankfully, the OP has managed to find a solution to the problem that is both elegant and compassionate.

Quite oddfodd And what's surprising is that she found it some time yesterday afternoon and people are still queuing up to tell her that her first priority must be her son (as if she appeared unaware) and that the only way to make him happy is to ostracize a small child.

riveravon23, I feel so sorry for you and your son and other foster children. Not everyone excludes, I can think of 3 fostered children and 1 adopted who have been to parties at my house and on cinema/pizza birthday treats. Yes, there were some issues but basically lovely kids who had a rough start in life.

You sound so lovely grannytomine - what a special thing you did to reassure her about John Smith and Pocahontas! And lying is, in that circumstance, exactly the right thing to do. Wish there were more like you!

I think your compromise sounds perfect, OP.

These threads sadden and infuriate me in equal measure. It is always wrong to exclude one child IMO.

One of my brothers is on the autism spectrum. It was undiagnosed in childhood so he was just "the weird kid." He wasn't at all aggressive though was often the target of aggression. He was never invited to a birthday party. Never. And this all happened in rather less enlightened times, so no one had any qualms about handing out invitations in public and talking loudly about the plans for the party. If one parent had been kind enough to include him, it would have made him so happy.

Of course, if a child is aggressive there are ways to cope at a party and strategies to employ, many of which have been detailed in this thread. Excluding him at the age of 4/5 is not one of those strategies.

I really wouldn't invite him.I felt obliged to invite the 'Frank' in my youngest DC's class to her 5th party which was on a bouncy castle at a leisure centre run by their playworkers.The mother/father didn't stay, in fact you couldn't se them for the dust!!
He totally ruined it I had to spend the whole time trying to stop him hurting or harassing the other children. I felt as though I had spent the whole party away from DD and didn't get any photos.I would absolutely advise you not to invite him.Your Dc doesn't want him there, and it not just your own DC you have to think about, all the other children at our party were frightened of 'Frank' too whose name coincidentally began with an F

riveravon, thanks for that. I wasn't sure if I should have done it, don't like lying but the poor little thing was so upset. I wonder what had gone on in her life?

My youngest has grown up with a knack for helping people with problems, as a seven year old his best friend was a child who was being fostered. She had anger issues and when she was getting upset the teacher would send him off to the library with her to calm her down. Maybe it led to his career as a mental health nurse, he is still helping girls with anger issues, most of them harm themselves, no one else but he just always seems to have been good at holding the boundaries but being supportive. I am proud of him.

I am in the invite but have a very very vigilant frank patrol camp

That's lovely granny - you are rightly proud

yes that is lovely granny , you sound like a wonderful person, I wish we could all be like you

I should hide the thread- I just shake my head at how some posters would treat a 4yr old.
Just get an extra adult to help at the party, specifically to be with Frank, or have a smaller party.

Fromparis and Aeroflotgirl, thank you it is kind of you to say that but honestly it is my kids, particularly the youngest one, who were good friends with these children. As I said I am very proud of my son, and his siblings who are also lovely.

Why no about what happened to OP's DC at Frank's party?

I've invited "Franks" to my DCs parties, when they used to have them, I have a close relative who is a "Frank".

But I would not invite a child who my DC was afraid of or who had been violent towards him. It's not mean to exclude such a child, it's safeguarding.

The OP has a good solution.

You have raised your children grannie to be the wonderful people they are

Mythical

To be honest I would not dream of leaving a four year old solo . I am NOT blaming op as she is from a place where this is common . But had she been there it would not have happened - 4 year olds need monitoring . I hate to sound like victim blamed by the way - but if she has been there none of this sorry issue would have happened .

See 11.40 yesterday.

I take your point, From Paris, but it did happen and the DC is now afraid. So it would be cruel to invite Frank to a day that's meant to be all about the DC. It would spoil his day.

I'm sure Frank won't spoil his day if his parent is there to observe.

I think there is every likelihood Frank will behave badly if his parent is there. He behaved badly at his own party and upset DS and nobody noticed.
It's a shame that a whole lot of children that OP and her child wanted to invite are now going to be excluded because of the problems Frank creates.
It is never nice to have to consider not inviting one child, but when their actions have such impact on your own child then their feelings and safety have to be a priority.
Sad that the solution has to impact negatively on everyone involved.

Mythical - I guess I just can't demonise a 4 year old ! Ops son is going to face these hurdles in life unfortunately - and as only1scoop said I bet you he will behave better with forewarned adults watching out

It must be horrible to have a terrorised child and op can reassure and explain

Let's disagree to agree

I've said repeatedly now that it was a mistake Fromparis, one I regret very much and that won't be repeated. It's a horrible feeling knowing that I wasn't there to protect him when he needed me to. I don't think I've ever felt so guilty.

OP- I think you need to speak to Frank's parents. Be brave and confident enough to tell them what happened at Frank's party and how your son now feels and that as a result HE doesn't wish to invite Frank to his own.

Then don't. Your son's party is your concern, not Frank's feelings. He will learn something of a lesson about how to treat people. Why should your son's birthday be ruined by his presence?

Oh op - not blaming you - god knows how many bloody mistakes I have made ! Worse too - it's just so unfortunate how it has panned out . I wish you and your little lad the best - this too shall pass x

Hi OP - just wondering if you've had your sons party and how you got on? Hopefully it was a fun and relaxing time and your son was able to enjoy himself!