Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

DS1 was quite rough at 4 - he didn't mean to be, but he didn't have the emotional maturity of some of the other children.

DS2 is much more sensitive and doesn't really like rough play. I think if it were his party, I would tell him that it is mean to exclude Frank, but I would promise him that we would keep a really close eye on Frank to make sure that he wouldn't get too rough. And then I'd rope in a friend to do that.

leaving him out would be very unkind

I find it hard to believe that your son was left in a huddled tearful heap at the end of a party without the mum organising it around.

You can't tell your ds that Frank will go home if he is mean and you can't control that. What will you do if his mum doesn't take him away? Will you really feel able to make a scene by telling them to pack up their stuff and leave in front of everyone else?

Oh dear that's a tricky one. I think I would try and talk to Franks parents and explain because of the problem at last party your DS is a bit worried about it happening again and understandably ypu don't want him upset at his own party! Ask if they could they stay during the party to help keep an eye on things in the hope the boys can move on from last time.

I think leaving Frank out has potential for worsening his behaviour towards your DS at school.

This sort of thing is exactly why I would never do a whole class party tbh, it's a minefield!

Don't invite him, it's your ds' birthday party so he can be surrounded by the people he wants to be, but I would knock a few more off that last too. Inviting a while class except one is a bit harsh - I'd knock it back by 5 (assuming he's in a class of 30).

I have this hassle at the moment with a party for mine, dc has come home before in tears not having been invited to someone's party and I've explained you can't always have the entire class, dc is now wanting the entire class at their party and I've butchered the list a few children on there I'm not happy having and parents are serial dump and runs but leave the siblings too! but they saw it and went around at school saying 'You're not invited, Mummy put a line through your name' thanks big mouth That will teach me to leave it out in their sight !

So I've had a few looks at pick up but I don't give a shit and merrily smile back with a wave.

And looking at the reception kids with an older DS, they're such babies it's really unpleasant calling one of them a little shit.

We've had our share of problems with boys in DS's class and to be fiar he's had his share of causing problems. Writing them off as little shits isn't helpful... they're likely to be at schooll together for 6 years.

Even at 4/5 your DS should be able to understand that it isn't kind to leave one person out even if that person isn't very kind themselves and that he needs to choose 15 of his friends. SOmeone else being unkind isn't a reason to behave unkindly ourselves - there are other ways to not invite Frank than publically leaving him out.

Just read some more posts MrsSchaden you are my new hero - fab idea about the noisy toy

tbh a whole class reception age party in a soft play place is almost bound to be full of crying kids

nightmare

I always remember a thread where a child and her family turned up to a restaurant to find her whole class there at a birthday party.... Everyone except her. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

Invite him, but keep a close eye. If he's badly behaved, call his mum to come and get him. Or ask her to stay. Please don't leave him out, he's only 4!

I think leaving one child out is rather mean. They are 4 and 5 year olds so friendship change a lot. They might be best friends next week, even if you would prefer them not to be. Also, you didn't actually see what happened at the party. If your son is anything like my children it is possible that they played nicely but had a falling out at the end. Mine only tend to tell me about the bits they didn't like and overlook the fact that 90% of the time they had fun.
If it's a whole class party you should invite the whole class including Frank but I would keep a close eye on him and step in if he is being too rough.

If DS is visibly scared of Frank, I wouldn't invite him, otherwise just make sure somebody keeps an eye on him at all times.

I wouldn't invite him, what is the point of having a party if your son is going to be terrified. And I don't see why others should be left out either just to seem fairer. Frank's parents must know there is an issue with your son after Frank's party.

INterestingly I too don't have a problem dealng with "Franks" perhaps having a semi-Frank myself. So it partly depends on how confident you are at dealing with him.

I'm still in shock at the idea of the fresh hell of having a whole class party at a soft play area.

Four year olds all have dodgy social skills. Often with squabbles its six of one and half a dozen of the other. Some demented parents think that their children are angels and other small children are fundermentally evil.

Leaving one child out of a party is dispictable. Four year old boys are immature and they do make mistakes. Children go hot and cold on each other. One day they can best of friends and the next day they fall out.If you don't want to invite Frank then make the party small. Ten children is more than enough at four years old. Make sure that Frank is not the only boy not invited.

Ostracising a child at four years old makes emenies for life. Just think how your child would feel if they were the one ostracised.

I don't think its mean not to invite him at all. Its your DS's birthday party and you are paying money for him to have a nice time with kids he enjoys being around. This child is obviously causing your son distress and harm.

FWIW- I would invite Frank- but only to catch his behaviour out. The first sign of trouble, his parents would be called to come get him.

I've been the adult on Frank Patrol. I don't even have kids, FFS. Why parents are happy to drop and run is beyond me - it's always the one who "doesn't have their own to look out for" that gets lumbered with them.

My Frank (older sibling of invited child, "Is it OK for him to stay?") lasted about five minutes of horrible behaviour before he was picked up, inserted under my arm and physically removed to the car park for time out.

The rest of the party was spent with me trying to stop him beating up other kids. It was great afternoon, I really enjoyed it

The other parents assumed I was a teacher. I'm not, I'm just scary and have no investment in speaking to disruptive, violent children nicely.

No way would I have my own child's birthday ruined by inviting someone he was frightened of. I can't imagine why anyone would do that.

They're not friends. Ergo, he doesn't come to the party.

I wouldn't invite Frank and if anyone cottons on and asks why I'd just tell them completely honestly what happened at Franks party and that you found your son huddled in a corner afraid and waiting for you to come and get him.

YWBVVU to put your son through that in his own home, the place where he is meant to feel safe!

Yes of course you don't invite him if he makes your ds upset like this. If his Mum asks tell her exactly why. Then she can start addressing the issue.

We have a friend whose son frightens DS2 sometimes - he is a lovely, big-hearted boy, but he is much more into rough play than DS2, and sometimes DS2 gets hurt. And DS2 does have a tendency to report this as deliberate, even when it isn't.

Obviously we don't know what really happened at the party, but it is possible that Frank was chasing the OP's son the whole time because he wanted to play with him, and didn't understand that this was upsetting him.

mania noone is suggesting that the OP ruins her ds's birthday just in order to invite "Frank" but their is a middle ground (invite him and don't let him spoil things). He's a little boy, not evil incarnate

He's only 4 so I would include him but ask that he have a parent present as there as it seems that DS's has had a few problems with Frank's behaviour. Then explain to DS's why it would be unkind to leave just one child out. I've been through this with a kid that was in my son's class, the child in question had ADHD and drove all the kids insane. We had a very active party and kept him busy and involved and thankfully he was included by the other kids.

I would scale the party down and not invite him.