Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

The child is 4yrs old - scarcely more than a baby! And yet adults would exclude him from a party that every other child is invited to. It shocks me.
The answer is so simple- if you don't want to invite the child have a smaller party with the real friends of the birthday child. The whole class are not all close friends so it is easy.

I really don't understand people who think it's okay to invite the whole of a class except one, on the grounds you don't invite people you don't want.

Imagine an email goes round the office from the boss inviting everyone to the office party. Everyone is invited except you. You'd be straight on to HR.

Imagine Auntie Ethel and Uncle Albert have a get together for their wedding anniversary. They invite your sister, her husband and kids, your brother and his partner, your mum and dad, and Auntie Barbara. They don't invite you. You would be straight on to MN to rant on AIBU.

It is in my opinion NEVER acceptable to leave one person out. As an adult it's upsetting if that happens. As a child it is devastating.

My dd was the only girl in her class that wasn't invited to a recent birthday party. After the initial angst and analysing as to why she wasn't (conclusion: she's quirky and not 'one of the girls' ??) I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. What is particularly heartbreaking is that dd is almost embarrassingly polite and sweet natured and she thought she was friends with the girl (and I with her mum).

But it is life and you do just have to suck it up and get on with it. Yes it hurts but it happens. My only comfort is that the mum made a comment on FB (which she quickly retracted but I happened to spot it) to the effect that all the girls were vile to each other at the party so I guess dd had a lucky escape!

What was sad for dd (and me!) was that her exclusion seemed so uncalled-for. If dd had a track record for being a bully I would probably want to know. And if dd had behaved like Frank to this girl I would totally understand the reasons for her not being included.

What I'm saying is perhaps you need a chat with the mum. I really don't think Frank should be invited (as then you're overruling your son's wishes and more importantly discrediting his fears) but to not invite him and leave his mum to fret over why is too cruel. Good luck ??

Imagine an email goes round the office from the boss inviting everyone to the office party. Everyone is invited except you. You'd be straight on to HR.

That is not the adult equivalent of what is happening here. If the teacher was organising a party for the class and excluded Frank, then your analogy would work.

Imagine Auntie Ethel and Uncle Albert have a get together for their wedding anniversary. They invite your sister, her husband and kids, your brother and his partner, your mum and dad, and Auntie Barbara. They don't invite you. You would be straight on to MN to rant on AIBU.

True. But if I dripfed that I had punched Auntie Ethel and made her quake with fear at the last family party, I wouldn't get much sympathy on AIBU.

I can see there's an argument that it's unkind to leave just one child out even if I don't agree with it. I don't think these attempts at adult equivalents work very well though.

Well as op has said, she is not excluding one child, but will invite half the class and make the rest up with family and friends. euginie op has every right to put her ds feelings and wishes first, it's HIS special day, why should he feel on edge and anxious and user St his party, it's not a social experiement. There are plenty of other opportunities for learning about kindness, why should it be at the expense of his happiness and feelings? What is that teaching ds? That he should let people walk all over him and be a doormat! Op has come up with a very good solution tgat does not mean Frank is the only child not invited.

Totally agree badlad

Good luck to those parents who would insist their kid has a boy who kicked and punched him at his birthday party on trying to make their kid believe they will protect him and sort everything out if anyone ever touches him inappropriately.
Top priority as a parent is surely to have your child's back and for your child to know that.

Actions have consequences. If Frank wants to be invited to parties, he needs to learn not to behave like a little shit. Don't invite him and perhaps he and his parents will get the message.

Yoursfan I've reported your post.

How can it ever ever be appropriate to use language like that about a child? As has been repeated you have no idea what is causing this child to behave in this way but one thing is for sure - hes 4, it's not his fault.

Get a grip.

Mummy, if the children were older I would agree with you.
As they are 5 I don't.
And again, he is not a little shit, he is a little boy.
He will learn not to behave like this when he is shown and helped not to behave like this.
Some of you are assuming he has the understanding of a much older child. It's very sad that on a parenting forum there is such little understanding of how children develop.
Hope your children never need some extra help with social niceties, because going by this thread, they're not going to get it.

But lechien this isn't about punishing frank. It's about protecting the ops own kid. Whether frank learns anything or not by being excluded is not the ops motivation.

My ds1 is a frank.

He doesn't get invited to parties but as hard as it is when he says about all these parties going on he can't go to I explain it is because he has pushed and hit and hurt and those are the consequences of his actions.

Also, on the odd occasion is is included in a whole class party I tend to make up an excuse as I just think he's not ready for that unstructured free for all environment yet.

Although, he has never misbehaved in a soft play party, it's the church hall lets just stand back and let the kids run riot for 2 hours on a bouncy castle we have problems with.

Poor frank, poor your DS I don't know what the answer is but I know that frank is a reception age child 5 years old, my DS is tallest in his class big and clumsy he chases kids around because he wants to play with them. He runs around tagging kids because he wants to play with them but all they see is a big rough arse charging around hitting the other kids.

Yes but unless the child has profound SN (which I don't get the impression from op's posts), the op is capable of recruiting a couple adults to be on Frank watch.
Worst case scenario, op's ds has a brilliant party whilst Frank is kept away from him.
Best case scenario, op's ds and Frank get on together and it helps mend bridges for the two of them to get on better in the future.
Leaving one child out is incredibly mean and at that age not deserved.

The op's motivation was that she wasn't sure what to do, she knew leaving one out would be nasty, so she and her son have come up with a compromise which will mean that Frank is not left out and that her son will grow up understanding that it's not nice to leave one child out.

This child needs to learn to be responsible for his behaviour and given his age, so do his parents. He sounds as though he is emotionally less developed than some of his peers. As I posted yesterday, I think it only right that he's invited but with parameters in place in case he kicks off.

Lechein op has a solution now, she is inviting half of the class, so Frank is not the only one not invited. Even with people on Frank watch, op ds will still probably feel anxious and on edge, and sad at his party and the thought that Frank çoukd hurt him. If he wanted to hurt op ds he will find a way, I am sure that the adult will not gave their eyes constantly on Frank. That is not fair on ds. He does not want this boy at his party, so like any child has the right to invite who he wants. Mabey Frank, because of his needs, is not ready for parties right now.

Dd when she was 5 because of ASD, and high anxiety, hated parties, she woukd mealtdown, cry, get hysterical. Sad though I was, I had to reject party invites and not have any herself. That's part of having a child with sn. Unfortunately some don't like parties. Mabey later when Frank gets appropriate help and intervention, he will settle down. Dd at 8 had her first party since 5, and loved it. She goes to a SS now, and has aporopriate intervention.

I wouldn't invite anyone I didn't like to my birthday party, so I sure as hell wouldn't force a child to do that.

Actions have consequences, 4 years old is plenty old enough to learn that lesson.

I've not RTFT but to offer a different perspective - if the mum knows her son is a pain in the neck she might be relieved that he's not invited as she doesn't have to worry about his behaviour (though the fact that she failed to supervise him at all at his own party or call the op when her son wanted to go home probably shows that's not the case).

My son went on a residential school trip recently. For 99% of the time, the teachers said his behaviour was not merely good but exemplary. But on the last night he hit someone. I don't want him going on another school trip! Yet the headteacher is very clear that it's an inclusive school and he should absolutely go on the next trip (in a year's time, so there is time for him to mature). But there's someone saying they want to be inclusive and me thinking I just don't want him in a situation where there is a possibility that he'll flip if provoked. To be fair he was always ok at parties, and the last school trip he went on a year ago was great and both he and the teachers had a smile on their face when they got off the bus.

How is it being dealt with in school by the way?

Anyway I'm glad you've found a solution by just inviting half the class :)

I'm glad your not inviting the other little boy.

I've had quite a few friends that have had the same situation and all of them that invited the child that had hurt they're child regretted it.

One Mum insisted on a phone number from the child's dad,he gave her the phone number but when she tried to ring him he wouldn't answer.The child's behavior was horrendous and the Dad turned up nearly an hour late to pick the LO up.

The poor Mum was in tears and so was her LO,the father got a real mouthful of the Dad,Nan and Grandad of the Birthday boy.

I invited two little boys to one of the my sons birthday party's they'd never been horrible to any of the children but I knew they could be a handful for they're Mum who was lovely.OMG did I regret that decision the little sods nearly broke the bouncy castle I'd hired on purpose!They kept running of,had food fights,tried killing each other and so much more.

Never again!

I honestly believe your child's feelings have to come first at the end of the day children rely on they're parents/parent to protect them,believe them and to fight they're corner for them.

I know it can be hard we have 5DC and two of our children are registered disabled,both autistic and our daughter has a lot of physical medical problems as well.
I really wish on here that the majority wouldn't jump to the conclusion that any child who's behavior isn't great has special needs,it's actually really insulting to the children that do have special needs and the parents of those children.

I know sometimes unwanted behavior is because of a special need but in no way is that always the case and not only am I disabled and 2 of my children are disabled,I've worked with children for years with different extra needs.

If the little boy has got something else going on and he's not just playing up then his parents and the school need to get him extra help and a diagnosis.If it is just plain old bad behavior then his parents and the school need to come up with a plan to change that.
But it shouldn't be your little boys responsibility.

I can't believe any adult on here would invite another adult to they're Birthday party if the other adult was always trying and sometimes succeeding in physically hurting them!

Just because they're children it doesn't make they're rights to not be hurt or to be fearful any less important than any adults,I've always felt quite the opposite,all children are vulnerable because of they're size and height,where as not all adults are vulnerable!

Our child was bullied at a similar age by our friends' son (without them ever stepping in). In the end my DP said that every time we met up with them we were presenting our son for more bullying, and communicating to him that we were colluding. I was less worried about the social niceties then and we stopped seeing them.

It's a difficult situation but I think you should find a way of listening to your son's request and not having Frank there. Whether that's inviting fewer kids, or issuing invitations quietly or whatever.

I think it's important for kids to learn that they don't have to tolerate poor treatment. I wouldn't want to hurt Frank but there's no way I'd want him at the party so I'd find a way around that.

Frank is unlikely to connect what he did at the last party with not being invited to this one. Not inviting him to teach him a lesson is just being mean.

Well said. Too many label bad behaviour as SN. It may take a village to raise a child, but a parent has to take 99% of that responsibility. Children who are good get excluded from parties its a life lesson, sometimes its your turn sometimes not.

It's not being mean, it's safeguarding your own DC. Ridiculous thing to say.

Momtothree the point is that at 4, it's impossible to say what is bad behaviour as you call it, and special needs. Surely a little child should be given the benefit of the doubt?

And if he DOESNT have additional issues then there's some other reason as to why he's behaving in that way. And that reason isn't his fault.