Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

I hope the school are seeking advice and support for Frank as it sounds like he needs it.

yolia how would causing a scene with his parents (whom I barely see at the school gates anyway) help Frank's behaviour in school? What if there's issues at home, and me laying into his mum makes things worse for him? What if he is undergoing assessment and I've just made her feel like an absolute bastard for nothing?

I don't know why he behaves the way he does. It's not my place to find out, frankly. The teachers are dealing with it very well so I'm happy to trust them with it.

Momtothree, how do you deal with a child who cannot behave in the way you'd like? Genuinely asking.

i agree that you have made the best choice you could under the circumstances. I know there's little point me saying this now and I really truly don't want to heap coals of fire on your head, but I don't think I would have sent him to Frank's party either, given their history - but then he probably wanted to go, didn't he, so maybe I would have done the same as you and at least it has put the tin lid on him trying to be friends with Frank. :(

Hope the party goes really well.

Like i said Franks parents need to step up. If a child had been hurt in my care I would have dealt with it and explained to collecting parents what happened and how it was sorted. I would not leave it to the hurt child to tell his mom on the way home. Also there is and has been naughty children at school and I have invited them IF i know the parents are dealing with it quickly and fairly ... I would not invite an unruly child left to run wild if the parents are known not to stay and supervise. Until that child proves their behaviour is acceptable then they remain uninvited. There was a reception child who was a nightmare.... but turned a corner in Y2 and is now a frequent visitor. I also have a friend who bullied her way through high school (the one we all avoided) shes now one of my closest friends. Nobody is writing a child off at four, but its the parents who need to sit up and realise what they are doing to their child and deal with it.

Well I was Franks mum. He was possibly the naughtiest boy in the school. He never got invited to parties, I was constantly called up to school, everyone knew who he was , even parents whose child didn't mix with him.

Why his behaviour was different from the other two I don't know. When he was three I took him to play group. I hadn't got my coat off and he'd ran across the floor and hit another child for no reason.

Did he miss out. No he didn't. He had no special needs. He loved school.

He grew up to be a great bloke. He told his fiancé he had a great childhood. We were fantastic. Took them everywhere, america, france, the caravan every weekend and so on.

Would I have invited him to my five year olds party. No way!

Ok now you've added the other incidents I think it's nuts that you went to his party AND left your son there! If someone had tried to strangle one of my kids I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have let me child attend there party.

*my

Urgh

Quite frankly, you can't leave one child out. Rise above it and call his parents if/when he starts bullying. They may well then be suitably embarrassed and deal with their son's behaviour

Yeah, it was nuts. These incidents had happened months and months before the party and DS was desperate to go, but I shouldn't have left him.

Trust me I've learned my lesson.

I left my gs at a party of a boy who had previously been a reasonable friend and I had had him round for a meal etc but his parents never reciprocated. I should have followed my instincts as when we arrived they did not even look me in the eye and were cold and distant. They are rather cliquey but this was at a whole new level. On collection my gs was very quiet and was upset when he got home. It took him a few days to tell me an older boy had tried to strangle him in the soft play area and his so called "friend" had encouraged him. There were marks around his neck.

I rang the parents who asked me if anyone else had seen it and I said they had. She then proceeded to blame the poor woman involved! She told me they were aware of what went on. Ghastly couple. They just excluded my gs in future, but hey no loss there.

Twelve months later, they host a party at their home for their daughter where they was a fight - involving a kitchen knife.

Don't invite Frank and don't spend any more time thinking about Frank. Follow your instincts.

Given his behaviour towards your DS to the extent you have to sign accident forms and the parents are informed, you can clearly ignore everyone hear who thinks he should be invited. Of course he shouldn't.

What was going on with him would not be my concern. My only concern would be my child being strangled and left with bruises by this brat.

DS has a 'best friend'. I say it like that because this friend frequently tells his school friends they aren't his best friend and someone outside of school is. He is also bossy and domineering and whether DS or anyone else is allowed to play always boils down to what this child dictates. DS has been asking for him to come to tea again and I have said no because I don't like his behaviour. DS doesn't really like it either but he still worships the ground he walks on and I will put his welfare first. He is starting to see what this boy is like but he does still idolise him unfortunately. The other child is not my concern though.

"Don't invite Frank and don't spend any more time thinking about Frank. Follow your instincts."

Spot on.

Not only would I not be inviting Frank, I'd be seriously considering asking the school to move my child into the other class next year.

Frank does sound like a troubled little boy, but it is not up to the OP, much less her own 4/5 year old child to solve whatever issues are going on there.

I was the parent of what people are calling a brat!

He was later diagnosed with autism

He lashed out at other children as he was confused by them and felt attacked and was trying to protect himself.

His behaviour is vastly improved a year later. He is kind hearted and gentle.

Please don't write such a young child off as 'bad'. He's only 4

I would have been heartbroken if DS had been excluded. I would have supervised him myself at a party

Some of the posts on here really no show Mumsnet at its lowest.

Exactly, Raindrop99.

Those who think Frank should be the only child to be excluded, have you considered how YOU might feel if YOUR child was left out, for something that wasn't his/her fault? Have you? Or are you too busy labelling with "brat, shit, and nasty piece of work"?

Absolutely fucking shameful attitude. Really amazingly bad. And it's absolutely no different to leaving out Frank because you don't like how he looks. Or how he speaks. At 4 he has no control over those either. It's discrimination.

And of course the birthday child should enjoy their day, but as adults, manage Frank, don't leave him out.

Domestic op has come with a great solution, she is having half the class to her party, so Frank won't be the only one not invited. Her main concern is her DS and showing him a lovely time, sorry, that does not include a child that hurts and is nasty to him. Unfortunately that is the way things are for Frank, until his behaviour improves, whatever his situation may be. We have no clue if Frank has SN or not. If he does, SN çoukd be a reason for his behaviour, not an excuse. Yes my dd has ASD and she bites, ok it's a sensory issue, but I do not tolerate it.

Domestic would you be happy to spend your child's entire birthday celebration watching a child with a history of violent behaviour towards yours if his parents were unable or unwilling to do so (as appears to be the case in this situation)?

Even if it was to the detriment of your own child's feelings & you being able to give them your attention and enjoy their celebrations with them?

Could you also guarantee that the parents of the other child would offer adequate supervision, or if leaving their child, respond immediately to a call saying his behaviour had got out of hand and he needed collecting?

I feel sorry for Frank, I really do. Given the nature of his behaviour is be surprised if there weren't parenting issues or special needs at play, but the OP is not the person to address them & her child's birthday party is neither the time nor the place.

It sounds as if the OP has come to a sensible & fair decision on the matter anyway.

Franks parents have demonstrated that they cannot control him effectively, op ds does not want him quite understandably at his party so that's it really.

You see I have a child with AS. I've been lucky because at school he was an angel. But at home ... He used to repeatedly hit his sibling at the drop if the hat. So much so that at some point, I wouldn't leave my two dcs together on their own :(:(

That same child is still struggling like hell to make friends. He has on numerous occasions been convinced that he was going to go to X after school or that Y would be coming just to be gutted that actually it didn't happen. (Various reasons both coming from the other children and from him)

And even like this, even when I know how important it would be for him to be invited, I still think that inviting Frank in these circumstances would be a bad idea.
The only way this would have worked is of his parents would have been happy to supervise him. But clearly from experience at Franks birthday party, they are not. Or nit at the level where the OP's ds or the other children would be safe.

It's not the child fault as such. I'm not saying he us a brat (or he might be who knows!!). But safety of the other children is important too.

Hello all

Thanks to everyone who reported this thread.

We'd really appreciate it if you could take a minute to read the Myth Busting section of our This Is My Child campaign.

Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting stuff can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.

At ease!

Oh and re managing Frank.

My autistic dc would freak out of you touched him when he is upset. The best way to calm him down is his cuddly toy (and not a cuddle from me :()
My freind's son us also autistic. When he is getting into a meltdown, the best way to 'bring him back' is to raise your voice and be extremely firm.
Another child I know would freak out with the same reaction.

With that in mind, hie in earth can you expect an adult that has never been in contact with the child to actually 'manage' it and know what to do ??? It took me years to 'get' how to deal with my own dc!

We are supporting the OP, MNHQ.

We are also making the usual assumptions; and turning it into a thread about sn children. Op has given no indication that there actually are any.