Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

Previous comment is not to the op but to the pp who have made comments along this line.
Some children with sn have challenging behaviour. Some don't. It is more frequently because of the childs particular sn than because of how they are parented.

he will learn not to behave like this when he is shown and helped not to behave like this. Will he? In an ideal world, yes, of course.
But that would assume there are no 12 year old / 15 year old / 25+ year old ill natured thugs; because they've all been gently shown the error of their ways at 5.
And sadly we all know that's not true.

What causes the behaviour doesn't really matter to the victim. And the victim doesn't want that child at his birthday party. So he shouldn't be there.

If someone is saying it is to teach them a lesson (I'm not talking about those who have said it would be to protect their child), then they are being mean.

And how do people expect a child to learn compassion kindness and empathy from cruelty and isolation and it is cruel to isolate a child

If my child has been a Frank at their own party or anyone elses they would have been removed and excluded. I would have apologised and so would DC. I would avoid any situation where my child would get hurt and respect their wishes. Its a parents job to protect their own AND it is Franks parents job to teach him manners. If Frank has SN or suspected SN his parents would be aware and stay at any social situation and not leave Frank.

It isn't my job to teach another child about compassion. My job is to give my DC a happy birthday party. Not a party that he dreads because a particular child will be there.

This isn't school, which has to be inclusive, this is a special occasion for a child. Where is the compassion for him?

At that age the parents may not be aware. Yes they should do all they can to prevent others being hurt but they may not be aware of any sn.

I do get that. But if it were my child I'd just invite a few so it wasn't just one child being left out.
You know people go on Frank's a bully little brat ect ect as though their own children have never ever put a foot wrong. He is without sin and all that. But yet they as adults advocate bullying by saying oh just leave him out. The little horror and one of the definitions of bullying is austrocizing one child from social groups.
All that said though I do get your anger. It's called being a mother Have you been in and spoken to the teacher about what is happening with Frank because if you are wanting to leSve one child out the bullying on Frank's part must be serious.

im not going to point fingers at Frank, he's 5 and clearly has some issues with aggression.

I AM however, going to point fingers at his parents, they are the ones at fault here, not Frank, they're clearly incapable of supervising their aggressive child adequately.

My DS has several behavioural problems, and you know what? I would be absolutely fucking MORTIFIED if i allowed him free reign to terrorise anyone. I watch him like a hawk and even the slightest negative behaviour towards other children gets dealt with there and then.

If DS gets invited to parties i always make sure i am there to watch him, to make sure he has fun, but also to make sure his SN's don't impact on the other children and the birthday childs enjoyment of their party.

I totallyagree Asorcerer, the parents should have been supervising their ds, and removing him at his party, not just standing back and letting a little boy get hurt. I would not trust them to supervise Frank at op ds party either. Yes people are saying this boy could have SN, in the same vein he might not! Op ds clearly does not want a boy that hurts him, and bullies him at his party, and has every right not to. One child is not going to be left out, and that is the main thing peace and love everyone

Of course you don't need to invite him it sounds like it would ruin your ds's birthday party . If his mother is cheeky enough to ask why he is not invited tell her the truth .

Don't invite Frank, this is a big deal for your DS. He will be the centre of attention and one of the most memorable days ever for him. The last thing you need it some kid upsetting him - in this case there is history - that will be memorable for him and a big deal.

If the mom confronts you later, be a flake and pretend you forgot / things got mixed up, you thought you invited Frank. Why should you fight battles for other people's behaviour problems, you have your own plate in monitoring your kids upbringing to deal with. Confronting her about her child's behaviour when you are not a specialist will open up another can of worms (what do you know about them, they will resent or ask why Frank seemingly has thing against your child and not others etc....... all sorts of questions you don't need to deal with).

The best way to deal with this situation of flee rather than confront.

As someone said, if the parents could not supervise him at his own party, I doubt they see a problem in his behaviour.

Also, Just how big a deal are these birthday parties in your area?

At our DS school, people either send an email or put an invite in the school bag.

-I have missed a few, because I was not organised in dates (some I even already bought a gift, and had to send it later).
-The kid's don't seem to talk about the weekend birthdays much - they are only 4/5

• Most parents can't make it anyway, you always only find half the class or something at the parties
• Some have never showed up at any party.

I wouldn't invite Frank . It's his birthday for goodness sake. He gets enough of Frank at school at least let him enjoy a frank free birthday.

It's not like Frank is going to be locked up in a plain cell for the duration of the party. He's going Tobe with his family doing what he enjoys on a Saturday.

If mum confronts you then you you just have to say Frank gives wee johnny a hard time at the moment and he didn't need that on his birthday.

Your child comes first. That's the bottom line. He could spend his whole birthday in terror wondering and waiting when Frank is going to pounce. That's not fair.

Dowager how do you think that'd go down with the other parents? Do you think they'd think "yay, check the balls on Dowser?" Or rightly decide that that's spiteful mean behaviour, and God forbid if any of their kids step out of line...

The other parents are probably fed up with Frank's behaviour as well.

I'm not bothered how it goes down with other parents.

My duty would be to my child.

Bottom line.

There have been incidents between Frank and DS at school severe enough for me to have to sign the accident book. Frank threw a diecast car at DS' face and cut below his eye, and another time he wanted DS to stop talking so he put his hands around his throat and squeezed. Numerous bruises up his back from punching etc.

The teachers have been fantastic to be fair. They inform me what's happened and give me full context of any incident so I'm not left in the dark. Frank's mum and dad are informed every time he hurts DS.

Gosh OP he sounds very troubled.

And obviously it's got a lot better since DS no longer plays with him.

OP, I think you made right decision. DS won't have to worry about Frank, and Frank is not the only child not invited from the class.

I hope your DS really enjoys his birthday party.

I think it's not about the party. You need to speak to Franks parents about his bullying causing your son distress and try to fix this problem properly. Invite Frank to the party but explain to your ds why it's not right to exclude 1 person (a life lesson for him) but tell him what measures you have put in place for any incidents during the party. Firstly his parents will need to be told that if Frank targets your son at the party he will be placed in time out and if it happens twice his parents will be called to take him home. Reassure your son that this is all part of solving this problem with Frank. None of it is his fault but you need him to understand that Frank can't be excluded but will be properly monitored and punished.

This is an opportunity to work on this problem. If he is excluded, I can only imagine this situation will get worse. If he attends the party but is made do time out in front of everyone while they are having fun, it will hopefully be the start of him realising his behaviour is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

You should also speak to their classroom teacher to make sure this bullying is being handled properly in school too.

If someone was bullying my son like this I would confront the parents rather than this passive aggressive nonsense of not inviting him to a birthday party.

I know hes only 4 but the rest of the class are also only 4 and understand that hitting is not on! It wouldnt be so bad if Franks patents took responsibility and like a lady said earlier watched him, and corrected his behaviour or took him home kicking and screaming. Frank wont get any invites unless his parents step up and deal with it. Im sure the OP can provide details so you can all invite Frank to your LO special event.