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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inviting whole class but one child.

452 replies

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 04/06/2015 12:29

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive Hmm, and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 04/06/2015 23:47

That's assuming his parents are capable.

bodenbiscuit · 04/06/2015 23:48

I think it is always wrong to exclude only one child, whatever the circumstances.

LondonRocks · 04/06/2015 23:48

Tbh, them leaving the OP's son in a crying heap was bloody awful.

LeChien · 04/06/2015 23:53

Would it be a cliche to point out that it takes a village to raise a child?

If no-one ever wants to include a child like Frank he's got no chance. Yes the OP's son comes first (and they have come up with a compromise), but leaving one child out of a whole class party is a horrible idea, I can't believe so many of you would do it. What's that teaching your dc? It's ok to leave out the boy who is struggling.
No Frank should not be hurting anyone, but he can be supervised better.

UglyJellyShoes90 · 04/06/2015 23:59

This thread is weird. If you were scared of someone, would you invite them to a party? No. That's it full stop. So why should a child be any different? It's your job as a parent to protect your dc so to invite a kid who actively hurts them is so wrong.

LeChien · 05/06/2015 00:00

Yes leaving the op's son crying was awful, but with 40 children to watch (40! I struggled to keep count of 10 at ds's party!) it would be easy to miss something.
At every party we've hosted, there's always been one child who has isolated themselves from the rest of the children. We've sat with them, encouraged them, given them chocolate fingers etc, but that child is probably counting down the seconds until their parent collects them, and god knows what they've said after about the party. And this is without any roughness.

LeChien · 05/06/2015 00:01

Yes ugly, fair enough, but not when that's the only child left out.

DomesticBlisster · 05/06/2015 00:02

It's also your job as a parent to explain that not everyone is able to behave nicely all the time and that's not their fault. And that it isn't kind to leave out just one child. And it's the parent's job to manage that, and NOT teach children that it's ok to be unkind and mean.

Cinderling · 05/06/2015 00:03

I think your solution is a reasonable one OP; it doesn't scapegoat one child but it acknowledges your DS' very real fears. You sound like a lovely person in your posts however as a veteran of children's parties I think you are cutting Frank's parents far too much slack regarding the incident at his party. I've had two of those full class parties and while it is hectic, there is no way that any child would be left sitting scared and upset like your DS. At any party there will be any number of incidents and fights and accidents - it happens. But as the adult in charge, it's my responsibility to deal with those things. At 4 and 5 some kids will decide that they don't want to be there anymore and if I can't entice them into the fun (and usually it's not that hard) or pair them up with a friend of their choice, then I ring a parent for them, and I look after them while we wait. If any parent leaves their child in my care, regardless of the circumstances, I look after the child. No excuses.

You are blaming yourself for not staying. But it wasn't your fault. In future, yes, I think you should hang around a bit during any of these mob-style parties that both your DS and Frank may be invited to. Get a sense of the level of control and awareness of the adults and then make your decision whether you should stay or go. But don't blame yourself for something you couldn't have predicted.

There is a lovely Alfie story (by Shirley Hughes) where he goes to the birthday party of his best friend who is a little tearaway and it might be a good springboard for discussing some of the issues around this with your DS. I think it's called Alfie Lends a Hand.

If Frank is particularly drawn to your DS, it might be worth inviting him round to play after school, under your nose where you can gently but firmly set out the expectations "we share nicely/ we play gently in our house…etc". I took this route with the Frank in DS' class, although he wasn't nearly as tough as your Frank sounds. It helped to give the two of them some positive one to one time, and made it clear that DS had a mother watching his back, and opened up a valuable line of communication with Frank's mother. I didn't accept reciprocal play date offers (I suspected the other child's father was abusive and there was no way I would have let DS into that house) just letting on we were always "too busy", and just had him over to ours a few times. In our case my DS was very drawn to Frank, but not able to handle his rough side very well. I'll admit to a huge sigh of relief when Frank left the school. I know your situation is a lot different so I don't know if sharing ours helps.

DomesticBlisster · 05/06/2015 00:04

This thread is actually polarised into people who think that a four year old is capable of malicious behaviour and bullying, and those who know that that's utter bollocks and if a child is behaving like that then there's something else going on that isn't their fault.

Original poster
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 05/06/2015 00:05

Just to clarify! DS wasn't visibly distraught when I picked him up from the party, in fact if you didn't know him you wouldn't have guessed he was upset. He has this face he pulls (red faced and glassy-eyed, you know generally heartbreaking) when I know he's trying to be brave and trying not to cry.

So they may have genuinely thought he was ok if they'd just glanced at him. I told them otherwise, though, and that's when she apologised for Frank's behaviour. DS cried and told me everything in the car on the way home.

I'm more angry at myself than them, I should have read the situation better and I shouldn't have left him alone. Gonna be feeling that guilt for a while I reckon.

OP posts:
Soduthen116 · 05/06/2015 00:19

Well op you do as you see fit.

Personally help would freeze over before I invited a child who had punched and kicked a child of mine to anything let alone their party.

It's not my job to raise the world it's my job to protect and raise my own kids.

Cinderling · 05/06/2015 00:21

Just to clarify! DS wasn't visibly distraught when I picked him up from the party, in fact if you didn't know him you wouldn't have guessed he was upset.

A little bit relieved to hear that! Though I still think that her level of supervision left a lot to be desired.

Soduthen116 · 05/06/2015 00:27

Domestic no the thread is polarised between those who would be happy to invite a child who punches and kicks their own child to their child's birthday party against their child's wishes. That's the issue here.

Of course the child's behaviour is governed by his experience and parenting or other causes but none of that alters the fact that the birthday boy doesn't want him to his party.

Do you invite people you don't like to your parties?

DomesticBlisster · 05/06/2015 00:31

I absolutely wouldn't dream of leaving out just one child.

SumThucker · 05/06/2015 00:51

I don't for one minute think OP should invite Frank to the party against her son's wishes, but I think it would be mean and spiteful to invite every other child in the class to it and leave him out. As bad as the bully he's being made out to be.
Hope the party goes well, OP.

Elephantjuicelove · 05/06/2015 01:14

You cannot exclude one child. If you don't want to invite him then have a smaller party and onvite a small section of the class

Soduthen116 · 05/06/2015 01:17

But you didn't answer the question.

If your child wanted everyone bar the child who was horrible to them would you go against their wishes? Would you leave out some to make the other child feel less excluded?

What would you do?

QwertyQueen · 05/06/2015 02:09

I had a very similar experience when DS was that age.
I decided to invite our "Frank" as I felt I couldn't not invite one child.
Bad mistake… he was a bully and upset several kids and generally made the party less fun for all involved.
Now I listen to my children 100% about who they do and don't want at their parties.

Soduthen116 · 05/06/2015 02:18

Yes agree qwerty I learned my lesson on dc1 and stopped playing the game.

he's now 25 and still jokes about the invited bully who he thought was a pita and who he eventually punched back. Best day of his life as a child he says.

Took no such crap after that with the other 3 dcs.

Adarajames · 05/06/2015 03:55

I just don't understand this you can't leave one out thing. Parties are voluntary, to celebrate and spend time with people we like and feel comfortable with, they're not so we can feel like we're going to be nice to everyone regardless of how they treat us / if we like them; and I think our kids should have that same right, and if they don't want someone to come, then they shouldn't have to invite them.
Ok so the uninvited child's behaviour may be due to sn/ poor parenting or neither, but that's not the birthday child's consideration, and certainly if they're actively scared of a child, then no way should they have to invite them or have to change the planned format of their party just hide the fact they havent invited them.
If wanted then the problem between the Kids can be sorted at a late date / with a play date (God I hate that term!), but a birthday party isn't the place to do that.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2015 04:31

I just don't understand this you can't leave one out thing. Parties are voluntary, to celebrate and spend time with people we like and feel comfortable with, they're not so we can feel like we're going to be nice to everyone regardless of how they treat us / if we like them; and I think our kids should have that same right, and if they don't want someone to come, then they shouldn't have to invite them.
Ok so the uninvited child's behaviour may be due to sn/ poor parenting or neither, but that's not the birthday child's consideration, and certainly if they're actively scared of a child, then no way should they have to invite them or have to change the planned format of their party just hide the fact they havent invited them.
If wanted then the problem between the Kids can be sorted at a late date / with a play date (God I hate that term!), but a birthday party isn't the place to do that.

I just don't understand someone who cannot grasp what it means to a child to be the only one of a group - as in an entire class - NOT to be asked to a party. Do people really have this little imagination. I honestly think that if the same happened them as adults in real life they would be all over AIBU. Am astonished that there are any adults out there who think it is ok on any level to invite an entire class bar one at this age.

OP, you can invite the very young misbehaving child to the party and watch him carefully. Or you can tell your child that he can decide not to invite the misbehaving child but in that case he cannot then invite the whole rest of the class because that would be too hurtful and mean and that isn't what your child is. So he has a slightly smaller party and invites fewer people.

This will be a useful life lesson to him in making decisions and figuring out tricky social situations as he grows up.

FindoGask · 05/06/2015 05:26

If I were in your situation I would just have a smaller party and invite your son's actual pals, not (nearly) everyone in the class.

maxxytoe · 05/06/2015 06:38

I would not be inviting 'Frank'
Why would you even consider inviting a child who has been bullying your son????
Who cares about 'Franks' feelings? He (and his parents) didn't care about your sons feeling when he was sat on his own crying at the front door!

EugenesAxe · 05/06/2015 06:45

I agree with ReallyTired and DrankSangria - the latter's 'one strike' rule being particularly good IMO.

I don't think you can exclude one child - it's horrible. I hate reading all these 'me, me, me... and my child' posts about the message including a bully 'sends' to your child. At Reception age I firmly believe parents should be teaching empathy to their children and explaining why someone might be behaving badly. You need to tell your son that you respect his feelings but also make him see that not inviting Frank is unkind and moreover sinking to the level of bully yourself. When they are older the party sizes will probably naturally dwindle, but if there's a similar dilemma at that stage, that's when you can start laying down judgements about others and letting them learn stark lessons about the consequences of their actions. Because this would be a stark lesson, and while some 5 year olds would take it with complete understanding, some may not.

And all these people drawing comparisons between a party for children aged 5 and adults - Do you invite someone you don't like to your parties? No! But then I'm 40 fucking years old and most of the people I meet should realise by now how to be civil, or have the emotional intelligence to comprehend that some personalities just don't mesh well!

I think I'm many ways this is another example of how we are helping society to go down the pan because of a promotion of selfishness and entitlement. Frank needs to be given clear boundaries, of course, as well here - the Mum needs to be told that someone will need to supervise him, and that (in a softly softly way) if the intimidation is left similarly unchecked as at Frank's party, that you will intervene. But to close the book on a 4/5 year old and teach your child that it's OK to do that because 'you come first'... just plain sorrowful.