To be utterly bored to tears by 9AM every bloody day!

[EffThis]

NC - MIL is a lurker and knows my regular username.

I am a SAHM with 1 DS (15 months). DH works full time, long hours. Whilst DS is an utter delight he is also a pain in the backside handful. He isn't walking yet and has very few words so the poor mite is a ball of frustration. He cries and whines. A LOT.

Whilst I love him dearly I do not enjoy day to day life looking after him, the constant need, tantrums, teething, sleepless nights (STILL) and to top it off he's the world's pickiest eater (think 3 foods on rotation).

I am just utterly, utterly bored with the drudgery of it all and often find myself grinding my teeth with despair/resentment by 9AM every day. The days drag into weeks and months, long days with nothing to fill them except a walk to the shops and back (I don't drive).

Sometimes a day feels like a lifetime and I can't even take a shit without the toddler clinging onto my legs and wailing because he can't eat the toilet paper/bog brush.

I have no friends locally, the baby groups are sparse and unfriendly, family are too busy to help out and I don't see DH until much later in the evening when DS has already gone to bed. I am so lonely I could weep.

When does it get better? Am I being unreasonable to expect life to be any different with a small child?

I had a career and a life once, now I no longer even feel like I even exist.

Do you mind saying what area you are in? I would love a meet up if you are local. I am nice and would always meet for tea and cake

I have plenty of sympathy. I was happy to go back to work after a year maternity leave.

Now it's summer could you take a big blanket to the park and some snacks and toys and just relax there for most of the day?

Then, you both need as many hobbies as possible. Look on Pinterest for ways to keep children busy and for things to do yourself. Lots of hobbies can be very cheap, creative projects can start with pennies. Get a big box and put your toddler in it with lots of crayons for a while. Collect pebbles and paint them. Build a cardboard box city. There are lots of things you could both get into if you think creatively, you don't have to be good at it, just give everything a go and you'll eventually find things that make the day fly by.

And then, you need to put a call out on social medial for other mums in your area who want to get together for coffee and play.

I totally feel your pain, it's a total grind and seems endless but it does get better.I could have written your post. I once hid behind the washing basket to get 5 minutes of peace from toddler that intoned 'mummymummymummy' endlessly.

It took me a good 6 months to find my tribe at toddler group and 10 years on we are still great friends, bonded by the fact that we were all secretly hating it. It might seem that everyone else is having a great time, but scratch the surface and you will probably find that there are plenty of others who feel alienated by the sheer turgid nature of toddler group and are desperate for someone to share it with.

It is hard to motivate yourself to do something when you are stuck in a rut. And baby groups are not for everyone .

Can you Google for activity ideas for a 15-month-old and plan some into your day? Even if you stay at home all day (which I wouldn't necessarily advise, tbh) I think you need to plan your day out a bit and give it a bit of shape so you have something to look forward to. If you just get up early and then look at the empty day stretching ahead until your DH gets home late then you are looking at a tough day before you've started! So if the weather is good, get the paddling pool out, go for a walk in the morning, play with favourite toys/watch fave show/read fave book etc.

I was in a similar position to you many years ago, with no family nearby to help out. My HV put me in touch with Home Start www.home-start.org.uk and they were fantastic. I think you can just contact them yourself to request help.

Once a week, my lady would come round for a couple of hours to give me a break. To begin with, we'd just have a cuppa and a chat, she'd help fold washing or play with my dc, or I'd go and have a bath. As I got to know her better, I'd do a bit of shopping or go for a coffee on my own. It helped me so much during this difficult period and I can't recommend them enough.

I have a son of same age and a 3 year old, I have to get out and about - I'll go to any group going, I just need someone to offer my two some entertainment! Children's centres here are good, all free and you can just stay and play. The park, soft play, farm visits or little cheap outings - even if it's just an hour in a coffee shop.

My days are a kid friendly outing then home for lunch and nap (while I drink tea) then play at home and watch some telly while I make dinner...it's all a bit samey but it does means it goes by fast (er)

Oh and nursery...my two go once a week and I get some freedom. This has changed my life, no longer is motherhood a relentless grind (I also am up every bloody night with LO) I know I'm getting a break every week so I'm much calmer.

OP I have also been exactly where you are - and to a degree still am - even down to relocating to Wiltshire ! and not finding groups I liked and also feeling that terrible inertia of knowing I needed to get out but feeling too depressed to do it. I remember dragging myself, my toddler and new baby out to go to a breastfeeding group. Getting out to do it was a really big deal, we had just moved and I missed my old friends terribly. But the group had changed venue and wasn't where it was meant to be. As I walked back up the road I looked through the window of a pub and saw a circle of mums and babies and realised that must be the group. But they looked so set up and like they all knew each other my heart just sank, courage disappeared and I walked back home again.

I am in a similar situation now with DC3 though he is only 5 months so not at the demanding stage yet. It's a little better as I have the school run for the elder two but that has its own stresses and still don't get much time to chat. I need to brave it and join some groups. Or at least one!

I might PM you to see if you're anywhere near where I am

Get him in a nursery. I've always been a sahm and always put the kids in nursery from about six months. Just a couple of long afternoons to start then 2 or 3 days a week. I didn't go to work. Often I just went home to relax and recharge. There's no shame in it. My kids are special needs also and i think the social interaction was good for them.

That's a tough age. DS1 was very 'high needs' as well and he improved A LOT around 17/18 months when he finally learnt to walk. (He was a bottom shuffler. But once he did walk he just totally 'got it' and never fell over at all.) He was actually a really lovely lovely toddler from 18-25 months (and then the 'terrible twos' hit, but he is still a lot less frustrated and more rewarding that he was at 1-ish). I think you're right that some babies just don't really enjoy being babies. DS2 is four months and totally different, he seems very cheerful about life!

I couldn't do what you are doing, I went back to work pronto! In your situation I think I would:

• see if there's any way at all you can afford either the driving lessons or some childcare - even if it's just a couple of hours in a creche/with a childminder each week
• double check that you have tried out EVERY creche/nursery/playgroup there is, definitely check out churches too, maybe try and muster the courage to try some again in case the nice people are there this time
• perhaps consider tackling the nap issue - either training him to nap in the buggy or attempting to consolidate the two naps as one to increase your flexibility
• research the neighbours just in case there's e.g. an elderly person who'd actually LOVE to have you over for coffee and a chat?

Re: the driving, I think an intensive course would be a great way to learn actually, much more efficient than a weekly lesson. And it would be good for your DH to have your DS for a week so he can share your pain!

Yes doing an intensive course sounds like a good idea. Even if you don't pass first time, it will at least get you to yyr point where you can go out confidently with your DH.

I stayed at home with my 3 children and though I thought it would be a breeze it was the hardest thing I ever did. With my first child I was just like you but it did get easier once he started to walk and talk. Making friends with other mums was vital (go to every opportunity you can, baby groups, library sessions, church groups) and in the summer we virtually lived in the park. Got an evening job once my youngest was about 2 and though it was hard work I loved the fact that I was me again not just a mother. Gradually increased my hours until I was full time, then did a degree and then became a teacher. You are not the only person ever to have struggled at home with small children

Oh, OP, once he can walk it will be so much better! (I'm reading all these comments saying how great it'll be when he's three and imagining you thinking, "THREE???") He's understandably bored and frustrated; as soon as he's on two legs you'll be able to spend hours outside (especially now the weather's looking better) and he'll sleep and eat better because of the exercise and fresh air. It all falls into place once they can walk, I found. And then he'll start chatting more and using his imagination and remembering things and looking forward to things...

I found babyhood very hard but since my DD was 18 months or so it's been a dream, and getting better and better.

I went back to work part-time and put my DC in nursery at this point. I remember sitting in the park in the cold pushing a whingy one year old round in the buggy, completely alone, and thinking 'fuck this shit'

I also learned to drive and got a cleaner. All expensive, yes - but these things improved the relentlessness of it all so so much.

I've only skimmed the thread and read OPs posts. I was in a very similar situation, lived rural, couldn't drive, dh worked a lot.

What saved my sanity was:

A sandpit. Put it in the shade and Ds spent hours in it
Bike with a trailer
Painted a wall with blackboard paint and had fat chalks

It got so much better once he was in nursery, the night before his first day I was almost jumping and shrieking like a winning gameshow contestant

Have you tried singing to DS? I know it might sound daft but I find it really helps if my DD is being difficult. Also, do you have a garden? I think that being outside helps.

And others are totally right you don't have to chat to other mums at groups...sometimes I go to these things, looking and feeling like shit but wanting to do something fun for the kids, when they're entertained they are happier and I feel we've achieved something in our day.

And what about the evenings? I go to a slimming group, gets me out of the house!

With toddler groups I think a bit of persistence is key. I've been to a few where I really haven't spoken to anyone for the first 10 times I've been. People just seem to get set in a clique and need to see you there a lot!

I second the garden and sand pit. We've recently moved somewhere a bit more out of it despite me not driving purely because of the garden. It just breaks up the day being able to go outside for half an hour.

I'm a SAHM and tend to have reasonably structured days. On days we're home;Breakfast, my shower, get ds dressed, do teeth, outside for half an hour, music stuff out, snack, messy play, clean up, lunch, nap...etc. I do toddler groups 2 days a week.

You really do have my sympathies op. It's hard. I'm 34 weeks into a pregnancy that has sometimes made getting out difficult and when you're in the days just drag.

Op, a very similar thing happened to my mum.

My parents moved to a rural location when we were little both for cheaper house prices and as they probably thought it was nicer for children.

At first my mum had no car (my dad had to drive to the station as so rural - no buses) and it was completely unsustainable. She could drive but they realised it was an essential to buy her a car.

I think living in the country is lovely for the person who gets to go up to town everyday. Shitty for the person stuck in the middle of nowhere every day (this might be subjective as it is obvious from this post I chose to move away from said rural area!)

I have exactly your situation - with the addition of a 2 year old to boot!

The only way I get through it is to put the baby in nursery for 2 days a week (split during the week so I get a break)

This means I only have 2 days on the trot where I have the pair of them.

2 yr old still naps - but at a different time to my 14 month old. So i'm literally trapped!

I feel your pain.

But seriously...and trust me on this one...the times I only have the baby to deal (or only the 2 yr old) with is a total breeze. A baby of this age does not stop you getting out and about at all. Walk to the shops. Walk around the park. Walk to a soft play centre etc etc. Two of them (both very young) is very tying as when I walk to the shops, yes the baby is in the pram but the 2 yr old is adamant she wants to walk - so walk we do..at 0 miles an hour. Plus it's hard pushing a pram and keeping hold of a small toddler.

The days I have when I think it's tough - I think, it could be worse, I could have triplets!!

You need to apply the same mentality. One baby is easy. In comparison.

But you would benefit from a break. Childminder, nursery, something.

ps My 14month old isn't walking yet either, just cruising. Total pain in the backside stage!!!

Can your HV not suggest some local groups? It diooesn't have to be a baby session: look for the Mums ones too.

When I had DD1 (many years ago now) I remember doing aquafit classes with lots of other Mums of under 2s with all the babies either in car seats or playpens on the side of the pool: the lifeguards gurgled at them and they watched us for half an hour or so before the baby teacher came out and we had half an hour of Mum and Baby lesson. Then we all went to the seating area and ate sandwiches and cake at 20p a go which were provided by the midwives who'd organised the whole half day. It was lovely and I made a lifelong friend there, alternate Thursdays it was. Such happy memories and really inexpensive.

For those of you with 2 I don't know how you manage it! I'd go completely crackers.

Well I took all of your good advice and we left the house straight after lunch. I looked on the timetable of groups and there was a group at 1.30 so I went along and it's cancelled. Lack of interest apparently sighs. NCT group has shut down due to lack of funding too...

So we went to the park and I saw a group of Mums we sat nearby and I smiled and said hello. They glared, weak smiles. The toddler crawled over 10 minutes later (because he's nosy ) and they just looked annoyed.

weary sigh if this was Reading where I used to live we'd have struck up a nice chat by now.

So much for sisterhood, second post ive read today where the op has been snubbed. Are people getting worse at being friendly? Its sad so many groups have shut down too. It will get bettter as your child grows up though, i promise. It just seems a long time right now!

Hello OP

Ive been where you are and I could have written your post many years ago.
you have to get out of your situation or you will really suffer before your dc starts school.
I too remember the unfriendly mums in their own little clique and being the outsider.
Talk to your dh, let him see how the isolation is affecting you, move to a town. p/t job that you can walk to and get some driving lessons.
It does get better as they grow up, but you can't keep your life on hold until then.
FWIW, we moved back to family and friends, and haven't regretted it one little bit.
your dh will soon pick up work, or does his company offer relocations?
You need a good network when dc are little.
Good luck, whatever you do, you need to get out of this situation, but I think you know this.

Reading is where you should be then OP.
I am happy to talk to you anytime if you want to pm.
I'm so sorry for you, I know how lonely and isolating it can be.
You aren't in Norfolk or even worse suffolk are you?
Apologies to any friendly people there, but as an outsider I experienced the same as the OP.

Honestly it's the most unfriendly place! I'm probably outing myself now but fuck it we're in Chippenham.

Very well connected if you have a bloody car or don't mind paying a small fortune to use the train (don't get me started on the lack of lifts at the station which makes transporting a non-mobile child in a buggy impossible).

Seriously fuck this place take me back to civilisation.