To be utterly bored to tears by 9AM every bloody day!

[EffThis]

NC - MIL is a lurker and knows my regular username.

I am a SAHM with 1 DS (15 months). DH works full time, long hours. Whilst DS is an utter delight he is also a pain in the backside handful. He isn't walking yet and has very few words so the poor mite is a ball of frustration. He cries and whines. A LOT.

Whilst I love him dearly I do not enjoy day to day life looking after him, the constant need, tantrums, teething, sleepless nights (STILL) and to top it off he's the world's pickiest eater (think 3 foods on rotation).

I am just utterly, utterly bored with the drudgery of it all and often find myself grinding my teeth with despair/resentment by 9AM every day. The days drag into weeks and months, long days with nothing to fill them except a walk to the shops and back (I don't drive).

Sometimes a day feels like a lifetime and I can't even take a shit without the toddler clinging onto my legs and wailing because he can't eat the toilet paper/bog brush.

I have no friends locally, the baby groups are sparse and unfriendly, family are too busy to help out and I don't see DH until much later in the evening when DS has already gone to bed. I am so lonely I could weep.

When does it get better? Am I being unreasonable to expect life to be any different with a small child?

I had a career and a life once, now I no longer even feel like I even exist.

I was going to suggest look at gumtree/eBay/free cycle for a baby seat for a bike; get a helmet and get out! Especially now the weather is getting better. There might be friendlier people a bit further afield!

1. read and binge watch tv series on netflix etc - you might not be able to do it for most of the day, but you will find yourself looking forward to nap time lots.

1. self improvement, even though it proceeds at a snail's pace in the days, gives you drive and focus and goals - do an online/correspondence course or two (there are some free ones around for US universities, and there is the OU) I did this and have a few qualifications nobody even knows about! Also set yourself some physical targets - for me it was bodybuilding, perhaps that's not your thing. Even 10 or 20 minutes of productively working towards goals in an afternoon can change the way you feel all the time - although this will inevitably spill over into the rest of your life because of time to yourself, it then gives you a reason to demand that time from DW. Take up writing, learn crafts. Stuff people wish they could do if they didn't have to go to work.

1. develop a life-threatening addiction to MN

1. pick a group and keep going to it for a bit longer. Sometimes people are very different to the first impressions they give - you have the best reason to be making the acquaintance of new people, don't waste it or you'll regret it

*in your case DH

Is he happy in the buggy? I used to walk mine around the local area for hours on end, it was the only way they would sleep during the day, and it got us out of the house and into the fresh air. Are there any parks nearby?

I live in a big city and the toddler groups were also grim in the same way you describe, I don't necessarily think it is because you are an incomer, I just think that's how they are in a lot of areas. I just kept going because it gave my DC some stimulation and a change of scene, sometimes I did not really speak to anyone but I put up with for the DC sake. Could you muster some courage and brave it out at a group?

Ahh, OP you do sound like you're stuck in a rut.
I remember feeling exactly the same way - especially with the effort of going out. First time I took my dtd out for a walk I was terrified about them crying/kicking off so insisted on wearing my Walkman everywhere (they're pretty old now!!). I promised (myself) every day it wasn't raining we would go out walking - covered miles, learnt all the short cuts to parks & now know local area waaaaaay better than dh! They used to just sit & watch the world go by & love being outside now. Stopping off at the swings was a biggie as they got older. They had morning nap & after lunch we just used to hit off - maybe you could give it a try now the weather's better (find walking into the sun helps as they had to shut eyes due to brightness & often gave up & fell asleep!!).
Then they started to walk (at 19 months & were not late, just too busy 'observing' to be bothered before!!) and I was back to square one trying to get them out. I remember sitting in despair as I wanted to go out to do something but 'how could I with them in tow??' So, I got myself a grip, went with the 'what's the worst that can go wrong?' line & went for it. Worst that went wrong was getting tangled in reigns & reducing passing man to giggling heap with my cries of "work together girls, work together!!" We made it as far as the postbox that day. It was a start!!
It's easy to get caught up in all the things that you can't do, but sometimes just starting with little things that you can, helps. I really miss the days I spent marching around with mine, I've never been so fit & just being outside helped me feel much better & less 'trapped'
Have some of these too

I felt just like this towards the end of Mat leave. 9-18 months was the most difficult stage for both my two.

In the medium term, I think you should try to find a job, even if you only just break even with childcare. What do you have to lose?

In the short term music's suggestion of a bike is a good one. Bike + baby seat would increase your range a lot. I cycled with DD1 on the back until DD2 arrived. The combination of exercise and increased mobility is great!

Don't be too down on yourself. Nobody really understands what having a baby will be like until they've got one, and even then every baby is different.

Meant to add - it will get better! He'll sleep better and be less whingy as he gets older. Everything is just a phase...

Where are you? If you're anywhere near me I'm always up for a cofefe!

Or even a coffee.....

Thank you all, this has made me feel much better! I really do need to stop moping and just do something. It's inertia.

I know I am depressed, I've had some bad experiences with ADs in the past which puts me off going to the GP. I do think a lot of it is because I don't get enough sleep, I have always needed a LOT of sleep and DS isn't a good sleeper. I've been a zombie for 15 months. It fucking sucks.

I like the bike idea. Will speak to DH about driving lessons too. I've lived in cities and big towns my whole life and always used public transport so never needed a license. Now I do need one I can't bloody afford it!

I feel like it must be the groups in my area. We lived in Berkshire previously, we are now in Wiltshire. I went to a wonderful group every week and made a nice group of friends. We met up at the park, coffee shops it felt lifesaving at the time. I miss them all tremendously.

I don't know what it is, I just find them excruciating. I must be looking quite desperate, any tips on how to avoid this? Maybe it comes naturally

I preferred groups with a focus and less general chit chat eg singing. Then if people seem ok you can see which other groups they go to/meet up for coffee etc.

Do you have a carrier for him? A back one? Could you join a local rambling club with retired folk for example? It doesn't have to be baby groups with a bunch of bored mums scoring points off each other because their baby "slept through". can you tell I went back to work asap

Do you have a bike with a baby carrier? Would that give you some more options?

Are you getting out at all in the evenings without DH and your son? ie have you made any local friends at all? Maybe focus on getting DH to be home at a reasonable hour once or twice a week so you can have some headspace. If your son is passed out by 7pm then depending on his job he could potentially do a bit of work from home too. Even if the most you can achieve immediately is skyping an old friend(s) once a week to chat and have a glass of wine with them then you might feel a bit more human.

What are your skills? Are they in any way transferable or swapable? Could you be a home pa in exchange for driving lessons for example?

What did you do before?

Go to the group and just concentrate on playing with ds. Don't put pressure on yourself to fit in straight away. Try a bit of small talk to another parent if ds crawls in their direction. Making a fuss of someone else's child can be good as it would be very hard for the parent to ignore you after that.

God I know exactly how you feel. I was in a very similar situation, in a new area with few activities and unable to drive.

I think there are a few things you can do.

1. Go to every possible mum and baby group available, even if crap (can't be worse than staying at home) and keep going. Eventually you will meet people and even if you have just one friend, you will feel so much better.
2. Learn to drive. This made things loads easier for me. I would put it on a credit card (probably bad advice but I would do anything to save my sanity!) In some areas, everyone drives everywhere and you really can't participate if you can't drive. Can your DP teach you in the evenings (even with baby in the car)?
3. Seriously consider moving. Although my life here has improved and I've made friends etc, I had several very hard years just feeling that I was in the wrong place (and still do really). I understand about the money thing though - that's why I'm still here.
4. Get a job of any description just to get you out of the house. It might only cover your childcare but at least you'll be talking to adults.

One or two evenings a week working in the local pub could be good for you. DH can do the childcare, you could maybe walk or bus it to work?

I feel for you OP, I felt the same way on maternity leave and went back when DS was 7 months old. I'd have been a right grumpy fruit loop if I was a SAHM.

I also felt the same at baby groups, everyone seemed to have friends when they went to the group already and not interested in the newbies.. not all groups are the same but I never had any luck with that!

A lot of groups are excruciating. I still think back to one I went to regularly where I hardly spoke to anyone in a year and feel ill. But I had to try it.

I think being interested in the kids is a good way to get to know the mums. See if you can get your son to be "friends" with another kid and hopefully you'll get chatting with his/her parent.

Have you contacted your local NCT? Ours has a facebook group where lots of activities are posted and people can introduce thrmselves saying they are new to the area or whatever. Or there might be other facebook groups for parents in your area. Or mumsnet local?

I wouldn't advise dh teaching you to drive. A friend tried to teach her ds in local car park and they nearly had a serious accident when another car drove in.

Get dh to show you all the car controls, pedals and how to change gears while you just sit in the car outside the house so you're not paying an instructor for that. Once you're driving well with instructor dh can take you out to practice.

Go for it op, it will really open up your world. When ds is at school he may be invited to play after school or may want to do after school activities and unfortunately without a car these things can be quite difficult if you don't have very good public transport.

When you go to a baby group volunteer to make tea or wash up or something . It is usually well received and gives you an opportunity to chat while busy. I know how hard it can be but I taught myself to start conversations. Is there a college nearby? Could you sign up for a course ? Sometimes they have a creche. Is there a MN local group in your area? Good Luck x

God poor you. It's a nightmare. I'd say you need to get out every day. So what if he screams the place down and is awful all the rest of the day...it's not as if your day is brilliant at the moment. You need to put your own needs first which means getting out, going places, even on pointless errands, so you are not stuck indoors for the rest of your life. It will be painful at first if he's not used to it but you have to push through that. Ditto the baby groups - these are hard to join but keep going long enough and you'll make a breakthrough.

And I would absolutely think about prioritising work even if the net gain is minimal. Staying at home is making you depressed - that's enough reason to stop doing it.

In your position i'd be looking into a low-paid part time job (or any job) and saving anything and everything left after childcare towards driving lessons. Also i'd be trying to save anything anywhere from the household budget for driving lessons.

Ive been there, OP. At around your DS's age I used to find my self close to tears as DH left for work at 7am, knowing it was going to be such a long day ahead of me. I realised that I wasn't being a better mother by moping around, getting frustrated just for the sake of 'being there'. I (like previous posters have suggested) popped in DS for nursery a couple of afternoons a week and then went to work part-time - I was lucky enough to get a job in my profession, but Id have happily done anything (and still would) just to have that me-time.

He's now 3 and what a difference! It DOES get so much easier and yes, do go to those groups, they can be hideous but are better than being stuck in.

Good luck, stay strong. It gets so much better.

Thanks everyone for the kind messages.

I think I really do need to learn to drive! Has anyone got any experiences with those intensive courses? Are they any good? DH has week off work and could learn quite quickly while he looks after DS.

So much of this sounds familiar!

I found 15 months a real turning point. DS, who was always a clingy baby, suddenly (literally overnight) was perfectly happy to play on his own for up to half an hour. He is obsessed with rolling and stacking his cars into their garage - v tech parking tower thing, which was my best investment ever as it keeps him busy for ages. Now I just sit back and read whilst I watch him. Oh and Lego duplo - suddenly he's into that too.

Do you have any playgrounds nearby? My DS at 16 months doesn't walk yet either, but we have been going to playgrounds since he was about 13 months - he loves crawling around (got him some waterproof pants and we go even I bad weather as he's like a caged animal by 9am). He is really amused by playgrounds and we can easily stay there for an hour or so. Plus all the parents gravitate towards each other in the playground as everyone is desperate to talk to another adult! Also, we have a bucket of playground chunky chalk which keeps DS occupied for a long time, and other kids love using them as well so we are always surrounded.

I found things improved when we dropped the second nap and had one 11-1pm nap - night sleep improved too. I thought he wouldn't make it till the evening but it worked brilliantly. It also made planning things a lot easier.

I know what you mean though. I went nuts on maternity leave. My work is very specialised and involved, lots of reading, writing etc and the lack of intellectual activity when you are with a baby is maddening.
I hope it gets better for you!

Intensive courses tend to be more expensive but worth it if you want yo get it done quickly. The first thing to do is get your theory test booked and start learning the theory part as this must be done before you can sit your driving test

No wonder you are fed up, stuck at home with no support from your DH.

I echo many of the suggestions here:

1. What needs to happen to enable you to get back to work. Look at your family finances. Can you rearrange things so that you can afford childcare or driving lessons.

1. What can your DH do differently to support you. Frankly it's not enough to just say "he works long hours". What does he do in the evenings and weekends to support you?

1. Is there a Mumsnet local group that you can join and find some like-minded friends, someone to moan to?

1. Do you know / like your In-laws well enough to go and stay with them for a few days? They can take DS off your hands for a few hours a day and you can get some energy back.

I found my toddler delightful but tedious, there's no shame in admitting there's aspects to parenting that are dull. She also didn't walk until 17 months.

Good luck.