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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU this is unfair MN Jury - opinions please (money)

97 replies

FantaIsFine · 02/06/2015 21:12

Hi, apologies if I should post under money but I'm after input/traffic.

I'd really like to hear if anyone thinks this is reasonable as an arrangement.

Adam (let's say) and Eve (let's say) have been married for some years with 3 children. Eve has no income as SAHM, Adam is sole earner.

Adam and Eve have no joint bank account. Eve has no allowance, even housekeeping allowance. If Eve wants any money to spend, Adam provides her with cash to cover her specified requirements. All of the household bills etc are managed by Adam.

Would anyone be comfortable with this?

Thanks in advance!

As an aside, what would be the rough estimate from others as to a reasonable supermarket weekly shop for a family of five (one of which just 1 so formula/baby food/nappies etc included)

OP posts:
Alambil · 02/06/2015 21:14

is it because Eve doesn't want financial input or she isn't allowed it?

CornChips · 02/06/2015 21:14

No, I would not be comfortable with that.

RunRunAsFastishAsYouCan · 02/06/2015 21:14

Adam sounds like a controlling twat and I wouldn't put up with it for a second.

Justbuggeroff · 02/06/2015 21:15

This wouldn't bother me, but then again I'm not in that situation but I'd love to pass all the bill paying to dh and get money for stuff I asked.

Weekly shop for 5 inc formula I'd say £100 I soend that on two dc and dh and I.

ImperialBlether · 02/06/2015 21:15

No, I wouldn't be happy with that at all! I certainly wouldn't get involved with someone if I thought that was going to be my future.

Just out of interest, is Family Allowance involved? Are there any Tax Credits?

The problem with the cost of a supermarket shop is it depends on how much money the family has coming in. You could do it relatively cheaply if you had to or you could spend quite a bit more. How much is your husband suggesting you spend?

How much does he earn? Does he spend a lot on himself?

Original poster
FantaIsFine · 02/06/2015 21:15

Hi Alambil, Eve wants financial input/some autonomy, but is denied it

OP posts:
Velociraptor · 02/06/2015 21:16

I can't imagine you would find anyone who would be comfortable with that. It sounds massively unfair. I'm not sure what a weekly shop would be for 5, but for our family of 3 we spend about £80 a week.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 21:16

Screw that! As for what's reasonable it really depend on household income

Soduthen116 · 02/06/2015 21:16

Well if Adam and Eve are happy with the arrangement it's no one else's business is it.

As for the supermarket shop that's impossible to estimate as all families are so different and depends on the kids ages.

Will this be a huge drop feed?

BertPuttocks · 02/06/2015 21:16

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Eve effectively has to ask Adam for pocket money. Adam has free access to the household income and doesn't have to ask for permission first.

wecanmanagenow · 02/06/2015 21:16

This was my situation and it was awful.

CtrlAltDelicious · 02/06/2015 21:16

No because as a fully functioning adult with some scrap of pride I would NEVER degrade myself by going cap in hand to anyone and asking for a few pennies for groceries. It's a totally inappropriate setup for anyone in 2015. IMO.

dementedpixie · 02/06/2015 21:16

I wouldn't be happy with that set up.

Dh is the sole earner and money goes into the joint account for both of us to use.

woowoo22 · 02/06/2015 21:16

It is ridiculous. Why can't she have free access to own cash?

And £100 - £150 per week.

honeysucklejasmine · 02/06/2015 21:17

Eve needs to see a solicitor.

SlicedPan · 02/06/2015 21:17

No, would not be comfortable with that.

Shopping for 5 including a baby's nappies and formula for us is on average £120 a week.

Soduthen116 · 02/06/2015 21:17

it is denied ok don't like the sound of that then. Is it you op?

CrystalCove · 02/06/2015 21:18

Asking for what is reasonable won't be helpful because this varies so much, this is MN where you get the magic chickens and £30 a week shops for big families. It's all relative to what you can afford. I take it you're Eve and your DH controls all the money?

32percentcharged · 02/06/2015 21:19

I think we need more info. Some couples would be very comfortable with that set up. It wouldn't suit me at all, as I can't imagine handing over all financial control and responsibiity to my partner. But then neither would I be happy to not be earning.

If either 'Adam' or 'Eve' isn't comfortable with the status quo then they need to renegotiate the set up.

But if this is an observation of another couple (and not your own situation) then you can't really know how they feel

Sconejamcream · 02/06/2015 21:19

That is financial abuse. Unreasonable to do.

formerbabe · 02/06/2015 21:20

I would think a weekly shop for a family of 5 including nappies and formula would be £150 ish.

A sahm wouldn't just need money for the weekly shop though...there's clothes, haircuts, taking the kids out, occasional nights out etc.

CrapBag · 02/06/2015 21:20

I guessing this is you OP.

It's not acceptable. Why should Eve have to account for a justify every little thing she spends? Does she have to tell Adam what birthday presents she is buying him to have the money? Is the money ever denied if Adam thinks it's not worth him spending his money on?

I'd guess this is financial abuse, Eve would never be able to leave (in Adams eyes) because she has no access to her own money and he can control he by controlling the purse strings.

Original poster
FantaIsFine · 02/06/2015 21:20

Sorry for not giving overmuch info all, it isn't me but a friend (on whose behalf I'm posting, not just being a sticky beak). There are no tax credits etc, family allowance involved, it is all cash from Adam, when he is satisfied with what it is to be used for.

OP posts:
32percentcharged · 02/06/2015 21:20

Cross post there. Clearly at least one side isn't happy.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 02/06/2015 21:21

Eve needs to see a solicitor - I second that. Also, Eve should prepare to difficult divorce and since Adam is a controlling twat and probably will get physical, she should find nearest women's shelter.