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AIBU?

AIBU this is unfair MN Jury - opinions please (money)

97 replies

FantaIsFine · 02/06/2015 21:12

Hi, apologies if I should post under money but I'm after input/traffic.

I'd really like to hear if anyone thinks this is reasonable as an arrangement.

Adam (let's say) and Eve (let's say) have been married for some years with 3 children. Eve has no income as SAHM, Adam is sole earner.

Adam and Eve have no joint bank account. Eve has no allowance, even housekeeping allowance. If Eve wants any money to spend, Adam provides her with cash to cover her specified requirements. All of the household bills etc are managed by Adam.

Would anyone be comfortable with this?

Thanks in advance!

As an aside, what would be the rough estimate from others as to a reasonable supermarket weekly shop for a family of five (one of which just 1 so formula/baby food/nappies etc included)

OP posts:

Report

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 02/06/2015 21:21

Eve needs to see a solicitor - I second that. Also, Eve should prepare to difficult divorce and since Adam is a controlling twat and probably will get physical, she should find nearest women's shelter.

Soduthen116 · 02/06/2015 21:21

Shopping for 5 would differ widely if some of these were teenagers. Babies and toddlers are cheap to feed even with formula and nappies.

Adam sounds a controlling arse unless Eve is a gambler or has firm for spending out of control. I have a friend like this and she nearly gambled the house away.

More info needed op.

formerbabe · 02/06/2015 21:23

when he is satisfied with what it is to be used for.

Screw that! I'd rather be a single mum on benefits.

Viviennemary · 02/06/2015 21:23

No it's not a balanced relationship. Why doesn't Eve contribute to the household finances by getting a job. I wouldn't be prepared to support another adult for a long period of time so I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

Soduthen116 · 02/06/2015 21:24

Oh just seen your latest posts.

He sounds frightening op. Does he give her the occasional shove too? Bet he does.

steppemum · 02/06/2015 21:24

well, I am SAHM with no income

We have only a joint account, we both spend freely from it within budget.

I would not be at all happy with the arrangement you outline.

tootiredtoknow · 02/06/2015 21:25

I would be telling Adam that he needs to be making sure he is available for 50:50 of child care, cleaning and any other duties Eve solely does so that she can go out and make her own money. If he can't I'd be billing him for the pleasure.

formerbabe · 02/06/2015 21:25

Why doesn't Eve contribute to the household finances by getting a job. I wouldn't be prepared to support another adult for a long period of time so I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

CrystalCove · 02/06/2015 21:25

When he is satisfied with what money is spent on?? Easy to see who's in charge in that relationship then!

Aermingers · 02/06/2015 21:26

No. Absolutely not. She should have some cash which is hers to do with as she pleases and for which she does not have to account to anybody or justify what she spends.

NickiFury · 02/06/2015 21:26

My ex was Adam.

Adam fought ferociously not to allow Eve to have an equal say in their life and family, financially or otherwise. In the end Adam went too far in trying to control Eve and was bundled from the family home in an undignified fashion by around five burly police officers. Eve watched from the window and although she felt shocked and scared it was as though a ten ton weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

CrystalCove · 02/06/2015 21:27

Vivienne are you for real?

honeysucklejasmine · 02/06/2015 21:27

Vivienne how about Eve invoices Adam for childcare? Then he can pay her and realise she does have a job.

Debs75 · 02/06/2015 21:27

OP This could have been my aunt. My uncle had a wonderful job, loads of money, they had nice holidays, gorgeous house and cars. Aunt could have anything she wanted, if she asked for the money first. Uncle took her shopping and paid for everything, she had no allowance for shopping, personal things even kids school dinners were paid by cheque each week. Aunt left him and happily struggled with money for a few years, she says it was all worth it for the freedom and not having to answer to someone.

If your friend isn't happy she has 3 options, talk to her dh about it and try and get him to give her some freedom, or she can walk away with the children

BagsyThisName · 02/06/2015 21:27

My ILs were like this. MIL gave FiL petrol money and that was it. DH used to sneak cash to FIL when we visited. This was an abusive relationship.

No way would I be comfortable with that.

ImperialBlether · 02/06/2015 21:28

Tell your friend to get herself onto the Entitled To website - she will have a pleasant surprise.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 02/06/2015 21:28

Fuck no. Thats financial abuse, and Adam is clearly a giant cock.

I have no income at the moment (at other times have been by far the higher earner, also the lower earner etc) and we have a joint current a/c and joint saving a/c. All monies are and have always been totally shared (although I deal with the money stuff so effectively have final say after discussion) and I wouldn't accept anything else.

Corygal · 02/06/2015 21:28

Adam sounds like a nasty piece of work. Poor Eve.

TRexingInAsda · 02/06/2015 21:29

Gross. They need a joint bank account - one household with one income, they need to share it. I would not have this (I wouldn't have had a baby with him if this was the proposed arrangement though, let alone 3 - what on earth were either of them thinking).

ChannelingFlop · 02/06/2015 21:30

Is this not what financial abuse is?

FlabulousChix · 02/06/2015 21:31

I not understand why any woman would give a man this much control it's dangerous. Women have to have access to their own money. It's not safe to trust someone that much you give them all the control over your life leaving with you with no options to get out of you have to.

Aussiemum78 · 02/06/2015 21:32

Not good. What if eve decides she wants to go out for a coffee? Does she have to ask permission and money in advance?

And if she has no access, does she know her financial situation?

My dp has no access to net banking and savings because he forgot the password and I pay the bills, but he has a working credit card and access to cash and can buy whatever he wants. I also tell him where we are up to with bills (he ignores me but that's because he is fine with whatever I do with investments etc). His lack of access is just disinterest, not me controlling it.

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GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 02/06/2015 21:32

That was a moving post NickiFury

NickiFury · 02/06/2015 21:33

Eve probably heard from Adam, a lot of the same load of nonsense that Vivienne posted. He probably really enjoyed holding money over her and telling her to get a job and make her own money if she didn't like it. Unfortunately Adam wasn't really inclined to work as a team with Eve in order to enable her to go to work because he was a controlling arsehole in many other ways too.

Stinkersmum · 02/06/2015 21:35

My dh supports me - I don't work. Due our first dc in October. We don't have a joint account (I don't want one) but he does transfer money to my housekeeping account and to my personal account every month. Suits us just fine. We're expat and it's not always possible for me to work where we live. He earns enough that I don't need to work. It's fine.

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