AIBU this is unfair MN Jury - opinions please (money)

[FantaIsFine]

Hi, apologies if I should post under money but I'm after input/traffic.

I'd really like to hear if anyone thinks this is reasonable as an arrangement.

Adam (let's say) and Eve (let's say) have been married for some years with 3 children. Eve has no income as SAHM, Adam is sole earner.

Adam and Eve have no joint bank account. Eve has no allowance, even housekeeping allowance. If Eve wants any money to spend, Adam provides her with cash to cover her specified requirements. All of the household bills etc are managed by Adam.

Would anyone be comfortable with this?

Thanks in advance!

As an aside, what would be the rough estimate from others as to a reasonable supermarket weekly shop for a family of five (one of which just 1 so formula/baby food/nappies etc included)

[Fluffyears]

So Adam has to be happy that any money requested is for a suitable item. Hmm he sounds tight as well as controlling, what if he isn't happy with something Eve wants to spend money on? She just does without I take it.

[HellKitty]

I was in a similar relationship. All came to a head when I was asked what I could possibly want with the £5 I'd requested. I replied, 'A BOX OF FUCKING TAMPONS'. He was a CD, he'd fart £50 notes. From then on an amount was paid monthly into MY bank account. But I still divorced the twat.

[NickiFury]

That's us fiveacres

[LobsterQuadrille]

Totally unfair and Eve should seek to redress the balance asap.

Vivienne I used to think like you. I'd always worked full-time, always been a single parent, never had a penny in maintenance from DD's father and was almost arrogant in my self sufficiency. Then, when DD was 11, I embarked on my first relationship since she was a baby. He was absolutely lovely at first and then, little by little, wore me down. Everyone saw me as this strong, independent woman and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that he was so abusive, controlling and violent. I still shudder to think that I nearly married him. DD is now doing Psychology A level and is convinced that he was/is a sociopath and possibly psychopath, and that he would have killed me in the end. I would say that it can happen to absolutely anyone.

[gemdrop84]

No I wouldn't! It's unacceptable and abusive. I have been a sahm, tax credits/child benefit are paid to me. Dh pays majority of the bills/shopping. I would then buy what the dcs needed and any top ups of food, nappies etc. Anything left over is saved and put towards a rainy day fund therefore I dont have to ask dh for anything but he has given me his bank card on occasions. I wouldn't be happy having no access to money at all, what if there was an emergency, what if I wanted to take ds out for the day?

[zukiecat]

This was my situation too and it was awful. I did get to keep the Child Benefit but had to pay Council Tax from it, and all clothes and sometimes food for DC as well.

If we needed anything, say bread for instance I had to ask XH for the money, he'd give me a pound or two but I had to provide the receipt and account for every penny of the change.

It was no way to live and one of the many reasons XH is XH.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Fanta - in your situation, I am Eve and dh is Adam. Right from the word go, we have had a joint account - that's the only current account either of us has, so everything goes through it - the direct debits and standing orders, and then we both have debit cards so we have the same access to the money.

Dh is very good at financial modelling, planning and tracking - he has a spreadsheet that tracks his income, all the fixed outgoings each month, and then he splits up what is left - we have notional budgets for car and petrol, clothing, food, family fun, and he and I each have an allowance (we get the same amount).

If we get a big, unexpected expense, he will juggle money round the budgets - take a bit out of petrol money, for example, if we haven't used as much as normal, and use it to put a bit extra into food, if we are having guests. Or, if I want to myself to something a bit more expensive, he will let me 'borrow' against future allowance money, and he can do the same.

Whilst he is in control of the money - because he is better than I am at keeping track of what's come in and gone out, and what is going to need to go out in the future - and whilst I do ask him before I spend a larger sum of money, I can get at the spreadsheets and records whenever I want, and feel as if I am an equal partner in the relationship.

I feel it works well for us, I don't feel controlled or that he uses my non-earner status as a 'hold' over me. Your friend Eve is in a very different, and potentially abusive situation. At the very least, there should be a joint account, so she can make purchases for the household without having to go cap in hand to Adam. That is more than unfair, in my opinion - it is plain wrong.

[yoursfan]

Well, Eve could always do what everyone else has to do and get a job.

Unless Adam is "forbidding" it, of course, in which case she should tell him to knob off.

[dollius]

More likely, Adam will just make having a job very hard. Picking an argument the night before an interview. Being unable to wait with the kids for the nanny at the last minute when she has an important morning meeting. Refusing to ever take time off when kids are sick. Refusing to pay towards childcare because "well you wanted to go back to work, you know". That sort of thing.

[BillyBigchin]

Vivienne can I ask why you wouldn't be happy to support your spouse, who looks after your children for you allowing you to work?

My DH is a SAHD. He has equal access to our joint account. He will ask before he gets money out - but this is because I take care of the bills so I generally check our account on a daily basis. Not because he is seeking permission.

Tax credits and Child Benefit go into the same account btw, it's family money to be used as it needs to be used.

[morelikeguidelines]

God no.

She has to "satisfy" him that she needs the money. Bugger that.

She should have free access to a joint account (obviously with both parties considering each other in a fair minded way, and trusting each other). If he wants to do all the bills that is fine, but she should still have free access to money.

We spend about £100 per week on food shopping (about £150 online shop per fortnight with about £50 per fortnight on top ups). However, that is for a household of three adults and two children (au pair, not bigamous marriage).

[SabrinnaOfDystopia]

No, I couldn't live with Adam.

My dh is sole earner, but we have a joint bank account, I have credit cards, and I have access to all the money, bar one investment account in his name. I also have savings accounts in my sole name. We have always shared money.

I spend far too much on the weekly groceries shop for a family of 5, plus dogs, and cats. Probs about £200.

[Viviennemary]

I agree that men don't always show their true character and people can be deceived. and vice versa. But I still think that a lot of people do stay in relationships where it is obvious to their friends and relatives the man's behaviour is going to get worse and worse as time goes on.

On the subject of supporting a spouse by going out to work. I wouldn't personally be prepared to be responsible financially for another adult. I would not be prepared to work full-time to support somebody else not earning if it was their choice not to earn.

[tumsup]

No I think that arrangement is abusive.

Whatever mitigating circumstances there are, whatever the situation.

It's the access to the bank account I find most disturbing. Having to ask for every penny. Whilst DH has no concept of financial control, I think he ought to be able to buy a t shirt or something without checking with me first.

I couldn't live with Adam. I would hope that I'd work it out before I ended up living with him, let alone having dc but I know from experience these types have a way of hiding it initially so that it only gradually creeps up on you what an utter knob they are. By which time it's very difficult to extricate yourself from the situation.

[Stinkersmum]

Would you support your DH/DW to be a sahp Vivien! ?

[Viviennemary]

I answered this in my post.

[HazleNutt]

"I would not be prepared to work full-time to support somebody else not earning if it was their choice not to earn." - I would think in most families, it's a joint decision, and not just one partner declaring that he/she won't work any more?

[Stinkersmum]

I'll take that as a no then. How looks after the kids if both parents are at work?

[arethereanyleftatall]

I can only think of 2 possible scenarios where the situation described in the op would be ok....

1. If eve was absolutely terrible with money, and gambles etc.
   
2. If money was extremely tight, and every single purchase has to be thought out. Though, in this case, Adam should be justifying his purchases too.
   

If neither of the above are true, then this situation is utterly unacceptable. It must be soul destroying for eve to ask for money, presumably daily.

[AwayAndRunUpMaHumf]

In a way, my dh and I are similar. We don't have a joint account, however, I have online access to all our accounts, and our savings account is solely in my name.

I am a sahm, and all tax credits go in my account, and I basically help myself to the wages in dh accounts as and when I need to.

[fiveacres]

How individuals may feel about working or not working is for the couple to decide. My husband was very vocal about my not working being better for everybody - and he made working very difficult for me - until I got ground down and agreed.

Of course, that started the abusive arsiness but I didn't KNOW that when I stopped work.