to ask what silly lies you tell to keep up appearances?

[Penfolds5]

I pretend to like films with subtitles, but in reality I find them hard to read and would go for bad dubbing/a Cameron Diaz romcom any day.

I've also been known to switch my radio from Smooth FM to Radio 4 or 6 when someone's coming over.

I pretend I don't find it hilarious when DS says things that sound like swearing. Like "mummy, look, it's the fucking troll!" for Fat Controller.

Or "want to watch Octonauts and the Cunt Snail!" (Cone snail).

Shocked look on visitors' faces. Me and DH trying to keep a straight face and explain. When no one else is here we howl with laughter. Childish, but...

Well, I once told my MIL that I had paid £49.00 for a pair of trousers and she did a "cat's bum face" and said she thought that was extremely extravagant. I though she was extremely rude and was very glad that I hadn't told her they were £89.99 which was what I actually had paid for them. and I loved them and sometimes I buy something disgracefully expensive just before she visits just to wind her up

Yes yes definitely the weekend thing! I'd feel so judged if people knew it was all wine, PJs and rubbish TV

lol at these - i don't have any to add though

Sometimes I type 'Sent from my iPhone' on the bottom of my emails.

"I'm fine"

I pretended to a religious and rather whiskery auntie that I had got married in a church, whereas in reality we had eloped for a quickly in the reg office months and months before we told anyone we were even engaged.

I suppose I say "I'm fine" when in fact I've just had a particularly virulent IBS attack. They don't need to know and it's TMI!

Other things I think I just roll with it.

My favourites so far are the shouting "it's here" when the pizza comes and typing "sent from my iPhone" at the bottom of emails ??

I have been decanting carex hand soap into a Jo Malone bottle for almost a year. I also have cupboards dangerously overfilled with utter shit but the rest of the house is immaculate

Oh and when I'm writing a letter or email of complaint I lie and say I'm a doctor when im not

Early days while I was still trying to impress my dh I told him I was fluent in french. I thought that was the height of sophistication and he'd be thoroughly impressed. I still haven't come clean.

sent from my i-phone

I do the fancy bottle and Sainsbury's hand gel too. Had forgotten about that. Amazing how many people come out of the downstairs bog saying how lovely it is too .

I like to stuff my face in McDonalds but I always make sure I buy enough drinks to match the numbers of burgers to pretend I am buying for lots of people. I can eat zillion McDonalds burgers alone and actually once won a cheeseburger competition by managing to eat 8 cheeseburgers

Cumber - "I'm sick of even looking at books."

Yep. Same here. I EVEN read and write for a living. Oh the shame!

I cut long phone conversations with "Got to go - someone's at the door".

I turn my engagement ring round so it looks like a wedding band when I go to church with DS on my own, as I'm quite embarrassed to be 'living in sin'.

I also have an almost perfect memory, particularly for conversations, but have learned to pretend to forget stuff as it freaks people out if they think you remember every word they say.

Last weekend my ex came to visit our dd and I went to pick him up from the station. Earlier that day I'd gone to the KFC drive through and keep preaching to him how we both need to eat healthy and always eat salads etc. when he visits. I was in a rush after putting dd in the car so just hid the KFC bag behind the wall in the front garden. Later on that evening he spotted it and I acted absolutely disgusted that someone would throw litter in our garden.

Another food one (I've been comfort eating lately, don't judge me) but I order 2 dishes from the Indian takeaway and do a fake laugh when I'm about to open the door so it looks like I have company. I do have company but she's 8 months old, asleep and not capable of saying anything worth laughing about yet.

I always arrive at baby group red faced, out of breath and sweaty even though its a 10 minute walk around the corner from home. When I get there I complain to the immaculate looking super mums that I've had the morning from hell and been rushed off my feet but in reality I've sat watching telly in my PJs while dd naps and had all the time in the world.

I need to stop eating junk and exercise

i've lied to cashiers about having friends over when buying junk food, when in reality I'm going home to eat it all while watching Netflix in my pyjamas. I know I'm a greedy bastard but I don't need them knowing it!

Love that HootsMon

I fully accepted my Weird about a year ago then realised I had nothing more to say to practically all the people on my Facebook so that went the journey.

I walk a different way home after the school run because I tell a few mums that "I dunno why really, I just prefer the quieter way back". I go that way specifically to avoid them actually. Theyre boring.

I don't see the inlaws much now because "I do all my cleaning on a saturday".

I don't.

If I'm having a busy week I buy paper plates etc- no dishwasher :(
I like the dear Deirdre in the sun which I hide under the mail which I hide under the times

I pretend to be an accountant.

which is pretty important seeing as my job title is company accountant

I lie to my mum about my tattoos because she hates them and would be heart broken to know I've got two (in cleverly hidden places).

If I'm having a lazy day and it's still 1130ish when the postman knocks I pretend I've just worked a night shift

I always told the kids i was a super hero - had a name and even jumped into the livingroom once with pants over my bright pink thermals, cape, mask, boots and blonde wig. Also that i was the Lilac Power Ranger when younger.

I need to get a job.

I pretend my foster children are mine when out and about because they prefer it.

Oh, yy to lying about my weekend plans! DP and I are totally neurotic, anxious introverts and hate socialising but this makes us sound like losers to normal people. Sometimes I make up plans because I can't bring myself to admit every single Monday morning that I wasted my weekend binge-watching Netflix in my darkened living room, only moving for food like some sort of gremlin