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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 13:23

How does one look violent whilst sitting in a cafe drinking juice Hmm

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 13:26

cuntycowfacemonkey
Having a different opinion from you doesn't make my comments 'unacceptable' or make me a 'bully'.

clumberpark · 02/06/2015 13:28

I meant that to us, the answer is obviously no, not to him. Sorry.

I can only say that in the OP's position I would have found it more difficult to object to sharing if asked, "Is anyone using these seats?" than if asked, "Is it alright if I share this table?" I understand that this is my problem to cope with, and it is not the responsibility of every other person on the planet to talk to me only in direct language Grin

Gilrack · 02/06/2015 13:28

Your opinions are offensive and disablist, eyebags. That's why they've been deleted.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 13:30

Calling the OP a selfish arse and suggesting that people with ASD Officially diagnosed or otherwise) are just making excuses for poor behaviour is not "opinion" it's ignorant and unkind tripe and contributes nothing valuable to the discussion.

hazeyjane · 02/06/2015 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Niloufes · 02/06/2015 13:31

Its depends what the person wanting to sit down says. If they say "can i sit here?" Then you can say no because you get the opportunity to guage them. If they say "are these seats taken?" and you say "no" then they can sit down. I would never ask "can i sit here?" always "are these seats taken?". If you are on your own and you don't like social interactions then you really shouldn't sit at a 4 person table. If there are no other tables free then unfortunately you will have to accept that you may have to share.

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 13:31

In your opinion Gilrack. Being 'offended' is another thing that is used as a teflon coating to deflect any criticism or expectation of reasonable behavior these days.

I could equally say cunty's username is 'offensive'.

limitedperiodonly · 02/06/2015 13:33

How does one look violent whilst sitting in a cafe drinking juice

cuntycowfacemonkey If you've never inadvertently grabbed the last seat on the bus only to realise too late why it was free, I congratulate you.

If you are too literal to understand that, I'll explain.

The vast majority of people with Greta Garbo tendencies just want to be alone. I understand that, but I also want to sit down.

Unless someone was visibly distressed or angry I would do that.

There are some people, and I don't get that impression of OP, that you really don't want to sit next to or force a confrontation with.

hazeyjane · 02/06/2015 13:33

Oh bollocks to all that, 'no can say anything hurtful and insulting any more, because they get called offensive' bullcrap.

Cunty's username would only be offensive, if she was called eyebagsisacuntycowfacemonkey

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 13:33

And I would agree that it probably IS offensive to many eyebags. Funnily enough I adopted it when another ignorant, disabilist poster called me it when i challenge her views. It was such an spectacular insult I felt I should keep it Grin

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 13:34

Don't temp me hazeyjane Grin

Gilrack · 02/06/2015 13:34

"Is anyone using these seats?" - Clearly not. Only answer is "No."

"D'you mind if I sit here" - Potentially yes. Two possible answers.

I changed the way I ask for this reason, years & years ago. If someone does actually mind me sitting with them, I'm obviously not going to be very comfortable if I do it anyway.

Before some nit-picker asks: if it was literally the only free seat, I'd say "This is the only seat, I'm going to have to sit here!"

SockQueen · 02/06/2015 13:41

"Is anyone sitting here?" - answer is not obviously no, they could be waiting for a friend/saving a table for someone in the queue (a whole other kettle of fish!) or someone might have gone to the toilet. I've used both questions before.

2rebecca · 02/06/2015 13:44

It depends where the cafe is to me. If it's one of several cafes in a city then I would go elsewhere if all the tables were taken, just as I would with a restaurant. I wouldn't queue up and get a coffee if there was no free table to drink it at.
If it was a cafe somewhere like a museum then I would just happily sit on a table with someone else. I wouldn't ask their permission as I feel my right to have a seat is the same as theirs and they don't get priority for having arrived a bit earlier. If the seat is free it becomes my seat, same in ski resort cafes, pubs etc,
If I'm on my own in a busy cafe or pub I don't expect to have a 4 person area to myself, or even 2 person one if it's busy.
Agree that if I wanted to sit in peace for a couple of hours I'd go to a library not a cafe.

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 13:44

Hazey and Cunty; you were both so offended by my post that you felt the need to report it to have it deleted...... yet then quoted it word for word, presumably so everybody else could be equally 'offended' ? Hmm

Come off it, you are just trying to claim the moral high ground for your superior opinions.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 13:49

Well I agree my opinion on this IS superior to yours in that it's more educated, broad minded and understanding. If you can't tell the difference between saying something offensive and challenging something offensive then I'm not sure there's much point engaging with you but i will happily continue to report posts that I think are disabilist.

AuntOlive · 02/06/2015 13:49

Haven't read whole thread but yes i think YABU. I recognise it must be difficult for you personally though. On a positive note I've had some great chats with other people when seated at shared cafe tables (only if they appear to want to chat though...) I hope there's not a thread out there about me BU to do that!

hazeyjane · 02/06/2015 13:51

eyebags, I didn't report your post. I kind of assumed that everyone reading it would read it and see it for the disabilist crap that it is. I merely copied and pasted because it took my breath away in how insulting it was.

I guess my 'moral high ground' (not something I am ashamed of by the way), comes from the fact that I try to be understanding of people and the difficulties they have, and try not to make ignorant sweeping generalisations about disability.

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 13:53

I wasn't being entirely serious when I said your opinions were superior to mine, but as I try to be understanding of people and the difficulties they have I apologise for any misunderstanding.

BubGal13 · 02/06/2015 13:54

I understand you too OP, dread people coming over sitting next to me at cinema/on plane/ and also sharing tables.

If you ordered a sandwich and drink think this fine to sit at said table for up to a few hours, remember people she also says she usually visit more empty cafes so her sitting there nursing a cuppa is more
invitation/attractive for other customers to come in as well than an empty cafe.

MythicalKings · 02/06/2015 13:55

YANBU to feel uncomfortable but you would be VU to tell him not to sit there. It's café life that you sometimes have to share a table.

You can't expect someone to stand and let their coffee go cold when there are empty chairs.

limitedperiodonly · 02/06/2015 14:00

Before some nit-picker asks: if it was literally the only free seat, I'd say "This is the only seat, I'm going to have to sit here!"

That's what I'd do gilrack unless I perceived that the other person was going to be more difficult than a bit huffy.

And yes, I can be quite chatty Grin but I have to be chatted to first and then I don't always welcome it.

I sat next to a stranger on a 10-hour flight and after a couple of hours I had to say something quite forceful because he'd been getting on my nerves from the start and hints didn't work.

He wasn't socially awkward, well, yes he was, but not in a benign way. We both knew what he was doing; he was a pest who found himself next to a single woman and sniffed a shag in the toilets.

I was on a seven-hour flight with someone I'd met vaguely through work. When we landed I knew everything about her and her boyfriend and their hopes and dreams. I was fucking exhausted but she meant no harm so I nodded and said: 'Oh, I know' at intervals and hoped there wouldn't be a quiz at the end.

Again, OP doesn't have to do any of this, but she has to accept that it happens.

hazeyjane · 02/06/2015 14:02

oh eyebags, it isn't about 'opinions' being superior, it is about being an arsehole or not being an arsehole. Saying that people use the term autistic traits, as a 'lame excuse' makes you an arsehole. In the same way that making racist or sexist or homophobic comments would make you an arsehole.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 14:04

"as I try to be understanding of people and the difficulties they may have"

LOL

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