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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 02/06/2015 07:20

Icimoi That doesn't help the other customer who just wants his coffee hot, does it?

Andrewofgg · 02/06/2015 07:24

fastdaytears Grin

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ilovesooty · 02/06/2015 08:09

The OP has said that she is seeing someone professionally so I think casting doubt on her diagnosis is unfair.

However I still feel it's unfair to expect someone to stand in any public space - restaurants, transport etc when there are seats available just because someone doesn't like sharing space with other people.
You can't expect someone to stand around with their food or drink rather than asking to sit down.

Original poster
Athenaviolet · 02/06/2015 08:14

I think people on this thread are used to busier cafés than I am.

I don't go into cafés at the weekend/in the city centre/the kind of high turnover places where people are rushing in and out for lunch.

I go to places that always have more free tables than occupied ones. I've been using cafés to sit and study/read/write etc for several years. It hasn't been a problem to sit for a couple of hours. I wouldn't go at all for just half an hour.

I know of one place that has a notice at the door saying people are required to share tables so I've never gone in. If other places have the same 'policy' it'd be easier for me if it was written down like that rather than expecting me to 'guess'.

It's clear to everyone who knows me that I have hfa but there is no clear path to adult diagnosis. I didn't want to say I was on the thread in case someone pulled up that I've not been clinically diagnosed (yet) and called me a liar.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 02/06/2015 08:22

But surely it's obvious that if the establishment becomes busy people will ask to share your table? I can understand you actively seeking out quiet places but you must realise that if circumstances change this is what will happen?

WipsGlitter · 02/06/2015 08:24

You don't need to "guess". People are expected to share tables everywhere really. Unless it's a restaurant.

DuchessofNorks · 02/06/2015 08:34

Oh OP I can sympathise. It makes me really uncomfortable when a stranger sits with me at my table if i'm on my own.

However it is unreasonable to deny them a seat in a busy cafe. In fact, as uncomfortable as it makes me, I have gone out of my way to tell people they can join me if I see them standing around with their coffee waiting for a table.

What I don't agree with is one couple who 'Always sat in this spot' who asked if they could sit with me in the almost empty cafe. They then suggested I move myself, my sleeping baby in pram, all my work and said hot coffee so they could have 'their place'.

I said no purely because they were so rude about it.

Marynary · 02/06/2015 09:16

As others have said, it is unreasonable to expect a table to yourself in a busy cafe. It is also unreasonable to occupy a seat for two hours if it is busy as you will be depriving the cafe of business.
You need to find somewhere else to work. I doubt that your local library is that quiet in all areas. Children's areas are usually quite noisy nowadays for example.

Shellabrate · 02/06/2015 09:28

Op do ignore those who just want to pile in and be unpleasant. Competitive cuntery I've seen this aibu phenomenon called Grin.

Personally, I would loathe someone to invade my space like that. It would make me totally upset and uncomfortable, especially if I had work to do. I found choosing the least popular place I could and sitting in the least attractive spot in the cafe helped, as well as giving up all hope of privacy in a public space- knowing that i could be invaded at any point made it easier to lower my expectations of what I could do.

CultureSucksDownWords · 02/06/2015 09:33

Shellabrate, do you think it's ok for another customer who had also paid for their drink to have to stand and wait for another seat? Just because the OP is uncomfortable sharing? The other customer was not being rude, he simply asked if the seats were being used. If there were no free tables left, that's not unreasonable behaviour!

OnlyLovers · 02/06/2015 09:34

YABU, sorry. It's not 'invading your space' and it's quite egocentric to think that someone would do that deliberately.

It's just a practical response to being in a busy place with no free tables. And sitting with strangers isn't THAT much of a horror, is it?

Shella, I think you've got issues if someone sitting at your table would make you 'totally upset'.

Having said that, OP, I hope you manage to find a quieter cafe that you feel comfortable in.

hazeyjane · 02/06/2015 09:44

eyebags63 Tue 02-Jun-15 06:40:36
YABU just for saying you have "autistic traits". I've noticed this is the latest bollocks people trot out for completely unreasonable behavior and then expect everyone else to feel sorry for them.

Unless you have been diagnosed as being autistic by a professional this is just a lame excuse.

This post is just appalling. Why the fuck would someone say they have autistic traits, in order to engender pity?? My son has 'autistic traits' - he doesn't have autism, but several professionals involved in his care have pointed out his autistic traits - I, and he, don't want your pity, you patronising blee blah, we want your understanding.

Many, many people with a variety of disabilities, some very severe, including ASC, don't have a diagnosis.

...a lame excuse...for what? Not understanding social rules, finding people in your personal space difficult, experiencing discomfort and pain from sensory issues - saying you have autistic traits isn't a 'lame excuse' it is a way of explaining to people who should have some understanding and sensitivity, that you might find these things difficult.

prorsum · 02/06/2015 09:45

Shell Competitive cuntery. Yes! I've been trying to come up with a phrase to describe what I find to be the general tone of MN. Thank you.

OP I think you're wasting your time tbh. I get your point but ywbu, though you've given a perfectly reasonable explanation of your circumstances.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 10:19

The ignorance and lack of understanding on this thread is depressing and yes to competitive cuntery on MN. It's always been fairly straight talking on here but these days it's just out and out nasty on a lot of threads.

The man was not unreasonable at all that's a fact but the OP has ASD and social situations are a minefield. The OP isn't being deliberately obtuse.

Honestly poster's inability to separate out issues and post helpful advice is ridiculous (I know lots of people have but it gets swamped in the mass of cunty posts). A little bit of self education people.

OP I hope you find some strategies to help you with this

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/06/2015 10:24

I've reported eyebags post on the basis that MNHQ would not accept such ignorant posts to be directed at posters in the special needs section where many parents post about their children who do not yet have a diagnosis. MN has a "This is my child campaign" it would be nice if people realised that these children become adults and these difficulties don't dissapear over night.

Indantherene · 02/06/2015 10:31

I see this thread has taken a nasty turn but if it helps OP I would feel exactly the same as you. I would never ask to join somebody's table and I hate it when people join me. Seems we are in a minority though Sad.

Georgethesecond · 02/06/2015 10:31

OP I don't think the man did anything wrong or broke any unwritten cafe rules. But I don't think you did either and I would also have been less comfortable after he sat at "my" table. I think you got unlucky, maybe another time of day or another cafe things would have been quieter.

JassyRadlett · 02/06/2015 11:30

And sitting with strangers isn't THAT much of a horror, is it?

Some of us just don't enjoy it. Fine if you do... but try to understand that people are different, yes, and some people find it invasive? I can't put my finger on why, but I do.

I recognise it's my issue, and behave accordingly, as I've said. But I also realise others may feel the same way, so would never, ever order a coffee unless I was fairly confident of getting a seat, because given my POV it would be plain rude. And if I missed out, would stand or perch at coffee bar until a table was free.

Andrewofgg · 02/06/2015 11:37

Yes Jassy but once you've got a seat you may have to share the table and that doesn't amount to an invasion of your space, does it?

Collaborate · 02/06/2015 11:51

YANBU to feel as you do. He WNBU to sit down at the same table as you. YWBU were you to have told him not to sit down. It's just one of those things about going out in public. Other people will be there too.

code · 02/06/2015 11:55

Gosh there are some arseholes on here.
Op I sympathise, I don't have autism but hate sharing space, especially opposite and when eating, and would have left quickly. I remember grabbing the only empty table for 4 once and 3 loud people sat down without asking and proceeded to lean over me and shout at each other- I felt the rage that day. It's better when cafes have lots of tables for 2 or those benches by the window which minimises the need for this. Of course the chap wasn't being unreasonable but it's annoying and I get it.

Andrewofgg · 02/06/2015 11:59

code That was their behaviour - not their mere presence.

OnlyLovers · 02/06/2015 12:00

Jasy, I didn't say 'enjoy', I just think it's a bit weird for someone to say they'd get upset by it.

limitedperiodonly · 02/06/2015 12:01

Years ago, on my commute to work, a woman used to get on with a ski pole and jab people who invaded her personal space as the tube got more crowded.

I never saw anyone react particularly aggressively to being jabbed in the calf. I suspect things might be slightly different now.

At least the OP isn't doing anything so extreme, but it is rather unreasonable to expect not to have to share public space with members of the public.

Not to mention setting herself up for constant disappointment.