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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 01/06/2015 20:25

Incidentally if I am the part-occupier it would not occur to me to expect to keep it. And if I showed any resentment it would be bloody rude of me.

Don't worry, I'm painfully polite. Genetically able to do otherwise.

But I'm not going to stick around to my original timeline and plans just to make someone else feel ok.

JassyRadlett · 01/06/2015 20:25

**unable..,

StarlightMcKenzee · 01/06/2015 20:26

I can see why you might have been uncomfortable but if there is a free chair next to a free piece of table then it is impolite to suggests someone doesn't use it if they need it.

It would be very socially odd and awkward if there were spare tables. I don't think anyone would like that very much, but given there weren't, sharing a table is to be expected.

Loletta · 01/06/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theycallmemellowjello · 01/06/2015 20:40

Honestly, if cafes wanted to stop people working in them, they'd be able to have such a policy. But really, go into any cafe in London in the weektime and you'll see why they don't do this. The large number of students/freelance people working in them says it all. Clearly on average the custom helps. I reckon most people do have a tea every hour or so, or don't stay that long. If there is an outlier who spends 4 hours there, the cafe may lose the cost of one or two cups of coffee but they've done a cost benefit analysis and decided that instituting a relaxed and work-friendly atmosphere brings in enough business that they'd lose more by having a 'no lingering' rule. I'm not someone who works in cafes, always been a boring office worker, but I'm annoyed by the officiousness of policing other people's behaviour when businesses are perfectly able to do that themselves.

JassyRadlett · 01/06/2015 20:44

Honestly, if cafes wanted to stop people working in them, they'd be able to have such a policy.

Yep. They'd stop providing wifi for starters.

Original poster
Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 21:08

I wasn't even using their wifi!

I never use public wifis-I worry about security.

toffeeboffin

See, that's what I'd thought: didn't it ruin his coffee drinking experience having to sit next to me? Wouldn't he have enjoyed it more if he had waited a couple of minutes until one of the many tables became free? I obviously still had quite a lot of juice to go. There must have been others who were nearer finishing?

The 'tea lasting four hours thing' is an exceptional case-not what I do everyday. Occasionally I'll run out of cash and in most places you can't use your card for a £1.70 tea.

I think this shows that I'll have to be more careful in future to check how busy a cafe is before entering. This one had several empty tables when I went in but it got busier quite quickly.

I've got a friend who runs a cafe and they are happy with any customers-laptop workers or otherwise. What they don't like is people who come in just to use the toilet then leave without even buying a token item.

OP posts:
Gilrack · 01/06/2015 21:13

I don't feel you have to justify yourself at all, Athena. It is annoying when a place fills up and you can't have your own table - that's just the way things are. You didn't do anything wrong, and it won't happen all the time :)

CultureSucksDownWords · 01/06/2015 21:13

Athena, I think that the man who asked to sit next to you probably didn't have any issue with sitting at the same table as a stranger. Not everyone would mind this at all. Also, he may have had other reasons to need to sit rather than stand and wait.

I dislike sharing a table, but to me, the unwritten rule of cafes is that if there are no free tables left then it's ok to ask to sit at a partially occupied table. I would choose the least occupied table to share, and try my best not to invade the other person's space.

Gilrack · 01/06/2015 21:15

Sorry, I meant to add ... You can ask him to sit elsewhere if there are other seats. But it's bad form and may upset people.

Andrewofgg · 01/06/2015 21:18

Athena If I have to move onto a part-occupied table I don't carefully inspect everyone's mug or glass to guess how long they will be there - it's a more summary process than that.

And unless you have serious BO - which I would not know until I sat down and it was too late - it would not bother me to share a table with a stranger. I would keep myself and my books and would expect the stranger to do likewise.

Brummiegirl15 · 01/06/2015 21:20

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if the cafe is full (and not if course if there are empty tables) why is it ok for a customer who, like you, has also spent money, why is it ok for him to stand and wait for a table when there are seats available?

Why should he wait when he could sit down? I don't like sharing tables either but I would never expect someone to stand and not be able to drink their drink???

I appreciate why you don't like it, but I'm sorry to say yabu

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 21:22

I'm sure drinking at a shared table is nicer to drinking coffee that has turned luke warm whilst you stand around waiting. Sorry OP but it is selfish to hog a table for two hours and then begrudge someone the opportunity to sit down.

MissDuke · 01/06/2015 21:32

I can see why this was an uncomfortable experience for you, but this man can not possibly have known you would feel so uncomfortable by this. Many people that I know would have happily waved him over rather than watch him stand with his coffee getting cold, he had no way of knowing you do not feel the same way.

Libraries these days are often not places of silence, especially public libraries that encourage children in (uni libraries are different so don't use that as a comparison). However there is a very good chance you will still have to be prepared to share a table.

My daughter has ASD so I sympathise with your traits, however I wonder if it could benefit you to push out of your comfort zone in social situations, to help prepare you for work? Do you think you have ASD, or is it more anxiety or maybe even depression? I am just wondering if you could seek some counselling or help if it could be more of a mental health issue. Some people are naturally loners, is this you? It is ok to be like that, and doesn't have to be attributed to ASD. However it does sound like you could have sensory issues which are obviously much harder to overcome. My daughter had a block of OT which has helped a little, even just to help us understand why she does certain things.

Original poster
Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 21:47

missduke

I'm seeing a psychologist atm.

I do think that being out of work is making me worse.

ccfm I wasn't there for 2 hours-just a few mins.

brum

The other day I was the one waiting for a seat. What annoyed me then was numerous people hogging tables who were saving them for people in the queue.

I am going to have a try of the local libraries again.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/06/2015 22:18

I think you have to expect strangers to ask to share your table rather than stand up, just as you can hardly reasonably prevent someone sitting next to you on public transport if there are no single seats left.

ChilliAndMint · 01/06/2015 22:23

YABVU, where I live it is customary to "budge up" and let someone sit down.
Why not go to a library instead?

Gilrack · 01/06/2015 22:37

I would choose the least occupied table to share, and try my best not to invade the other person's space.

This just reminded me of all the unwritten rules we (NTs) take for granted - and which many people with ASDs have to learn. It must be blummin' exhausting!

How we share the table in a train ... Not so straightforward when you break it down, is it? And there are even more rules about how else the space may be divided under various conditions!

Sharing tables in cafés
Sharing tables in cafés
Sharing tables in cafés
ilovesooty · 01/06/2015 23:15

I'm sure that the whole thing is exhausting for the OP but I can't see that the man was unreasonable in wanting to share the table. There was a spare seat there and he was still standing up.

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2015 01:13

Wouldn't he have enjoyed it more if he had waited a couple of minutes until one of the many tables became free?

So he should stand around like a lump and then drink lukewarm coffee or tea because you didn't want to allow someone to share the spare seats at your table?

I don't like sharing tables either, but it's the unwritten rules of a cafe and you either put up or don't go. If there are no spare seats you share with someone. And you target the tables with just one person on them because as someone said above, having a stranger sitting there while you're having a conversation is uncomfortable. You buy the right to drink your coffee. You don't buy the right to monopolise a whole table on your own for as long as you like and expect people to not be able to patronise the cafe or have to drink cold tea/coffee to suit your convenience.

TheNewStatesman · 02/06/2015 01:41

I don't really understand why your difficulties with social situations require you to have a table to yourself? You don't have to interact with the person, and the fact that you were obviously busy with a task means that it would be really unlikely that he would sit there trying to talk to you.

Momagain1 · 02/06/2015 01:56

Our resteraunt manager used to shit off the wifi at 11 am specifically to clear out the folks that bought a coffee 4 hours ago and were taking up tables we would need for lunch customers. He would turn it back on 10 minutes later. £6 doesnt buy you half a day of sipping your juice and soaking up the wifi. If you cant afford it, go to the library for using a free computer!

And you said free seatS As in, you werent even at a table for two, but had plonked your self down at a table meant for 4 or more? That's damned selfish of you.

fastdaytears · 02/06/2015 06:25

Well Momagain that's an extreme way to make his point and probably not good for food hygiene...

eyebags63 · 02/06/2015 06:40

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Icimoi · 02/06/2015 07:00

eyebags, given OP's description of what does and does not make her uncomfortable, she clearly does have autistic traits. It's in the nature of autism that some people are further along the spectrum than others, but the mere fact that you haven't been diagnosed doesn't prevent you from having, amongst other matters, social difficulty and sensory sensitivity. You need to to accept that people are different and try a little tolerance.

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