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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 01/06/2015 19:20

Jassy If somebody wants to share your good table it's because you wanted to sit there. And it's different for the other person because . . .

I got there first! Grin

Honestly, in a near-empty cafe would you plonk yourself down at a stranger's table because it had slightly nicer chairs?

You'll see I put 'good' in quote marks. Never had a cafe table that was played in gold or that played Vivaldi when you sneezed, or anything..,

MistakesWereMade · 01/06/2015 19:21

When I want silence I go to sit in a church

guineawigs · 01/06/2015 19:22

Why don't you ask her what her autistic traits are? Because it's pretty bloody obvious from her posts that she has sensory issues so I think it's a safe bet that'll be part of it!

Judydreamsofhorses · 01/06/2015 19:22

I see seats in cafés a bit like seats on the train. I'd rather sit by myself, but if it's busy then sharing is fine. If I walked in to a cafe and saw there were no spare seats at all, I'd go elsewhere if I could, but otherwise I'd be right over asking if I could sit down.

littleflick · 01/06/2015 19:22

Why should he wait at all, when they're are free seats?

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/06/2015 19:23

YABU. My DC and I have been known to ask to share a table before. Having autistic traits must be a PITA but it's not the other man's fault.

southeastdweller · 01/06/2015 19:25

You really are taking the piss expecting to stay in a busy café for two hours eating a sarnie and nursing a drink without expecting nobody to share your table.

DancingDinosaur · 01/06/2015 19:27

Don't like silence, don't like something touching your ears - are you for real?! Get a grip.

Are you for real? Maybe you should read up on autism and try a little empathy, before unleashing your ignorance on the rest of the world Hmm

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 19:27

Don't be a twat littleflick

littleflick · 01/06/2015 19:27

This reply has been deleted

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littleflick · 01/06/2015 19:28

She hasn't said she's autistic!

Original poster
Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 19:29

Yes, the people who 'reserve' tables before ordering-that annoys me!

I'll be standing there with my tray, having already paid and there are lots of tables with people sitting waiting for people behind me in the queue! I think that's very rude!

Tbh I think cafés make a lot of money out of people like me. If I find somewhere I like and feel comfortable in I'll go there loads,spending a lot more money than the one off customers.

I might try a library but in the past my experiences in them weren't good (was a pita at Uni).

OP posts:
daftbesom · 01/06/2015 19:29

In my opinion he wasn't being unreasonable to seek to sit at an occupied table since there were none that were free. Sorry it gave you the heebie-jeebies, OP.

But it's OK to ignore the sharer once you've given permission (except I always give them a smile at the beginning an say goodbye if I leave first.) To me it's akin to sitting beside someone on public transport - to me it's almost good manners to ignore a stranger in a "forced" public close-up situation.

If I have a tray full of food I certainly don't want to hang around waiting for a table to become free - too stressful especially if I have a hot meal or drink. The one time someone said "no" to my request to share a table, he sort of shouted it and moved away. oops.

WhoNickedMyName · 01/06/2015 19:29

the quiet cafes you usually go to have closed down recently.

You've been known to make a cup of tea last 4 hours.

notice the correlation?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 19:30

Try a university library no bastard knows how to be quiet in one of those!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 19:31

Oh shut up or educate yourself littleflick

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 19:32

Oh cross post can we swap uni's Grin

guineawigs · 01/06/2015 19:34

littleflick Mon 01-Jun-15 19:28:00
She hasn't said she's autistic!

Maybe she's going through the diagnostic process at the moment!!! Do you know how incredibly hard it is for some adults to get a diagnosis of autism? Don't you think SHE has a better idea as to whether she may have autism than some random on the internet?

Do you REALISE what you are saying when you suggest that people with disabilities such as autism should shut themselves away from parts of the community??

I don't know why I'm engaging with you - you are ignorant at best and trolling at worst.

Viviennemary · 01/06/2015 19:36

YABU to think you can sit alone for two hours in a cafe. It is a bit annoying when people use the cafe and trains as their offices. It's cheeky and inconsiderate. I agree with using a library instead.

guineawigs · 01/06/2015 19:37

I think YABU, btw OP.

You took a risk that you'd be able to sit undisturbed and it didn't pay off.

If it makes you feel any better I had someone in a cafe clear a table so they could sit down and dump all of the crap on the other side of my tiny table. That was rude!

Andrewofgg · 01/06/2015 19:40

Jassy

I got there first!

No, you got to your seat. Not to the whole table.

Honestly, in a near-empty cafe would you plonk yourself down at a stranger's table because it had slightly nicer chairs?

Only if I wanted to read and it was at the only table well-lit enough for my rather poor eyes, and then I would explain. But if there were no completely empty tables I would choose whichever part-occupied table I liked. The age and gender of the person sitting there would not enter into the equation.

londonrach · 01/06/2015 19:40

Yabu for reasons previously mentioned. 2 hours wow i dont manage 20 minutes ever. Library for quite peace. Cafe for drink and sandwitch with quick turnaround and sharing tables. If cafe busy you share tables as best practice...

Theycallmemellowjello · 01/06/2015 19:41

Every cafe in london is filled with people working on laptops. Who would go to cafés in the daytime otherwise? Apart from sahms and retired people I guess. I really think that the people suggesting that no one goes to cafés to work are not doing cafés any favors. Cafés deliberately make themselves attractive for people to come and work in - a place I go to has a lot of single person tables built into the wall!

hazeyjane · 01/06/2015 19:42

If these "autistic traits" men that she doesn't like being near people then:A) she should know she's being unreasonable because she's in an eye-wateringly teeny minorityB) she shouldn't sit in cafes

Don't be a dick.

Loads of people sit and do work in cafes, or sit with a drink for an age reading a newspaper. I've never seen someone being asked to leave because they have been sat for too long. The only thing is that you have to be prepared to share if it gets busy.

Andrewofgg · 01/06/2015 19:42

guineawigs Whatever may be the OP's state of health and mind - what has it got to do with the random customer who has bought a coffee and wanted to sit down and drink it? Is that customer expected to ask everyone in the place about their state of neurological health before deciding where to sit?