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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 08/06/2015 12:15

must expect to share a table with a stranger

NO. Just 'if the place is very busy someone may ask to sit at their table.' There is a difference.

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 12:43

I can't even...

BrendaBlackhead · 08/06/2015 13:22

is there a bashing head on coffee table emoticon?

ilovesooty · 08/06/2015 13:26

Actually Lilac your posts don't merely sound ridiculous now. They sound hysterical.

And if someone refused to allow me to sit on a chair which was unoccupied by someone already in the cafe I'd either sit on it anyway or complain to management. No way would I stand around if seats are empty and thus available.

If the table has two chairs allocated the establishment deems it suitable for two people. They don't specify that the table is unsuitable for two people previously unacquainted with one another.

TedAndLola · 08/06/2015 13:40

And I see lots of people waiting with trays! Where are these cafes where no-one ever waits?!

So do I. My experience is definitely that of you and LilacWine7, not all the people who seem to find the idea hilarious. Is it regional? All the cafes I've been in are in and around London. You certainly do find people waiting while tables are under-occupied (1 person at a 2-seater, 2 people in a 4-seater...) and it definitely isn't normal to ask to share.

OnlyLovers · 08/06/2015 13:43

Ted, I'm in London too and can report table-sharing. Not as standard (although admittedly I don't tend to go to cafes at very busy times all that much), but often enough that it is 'normal' and not at all weird or frowned on.

And I agree with sooty. Although I'm quite amused at the notion of a cafe having a sign up specifying 'that the table is unsuitable for two people previously unacquainted with one another.' Grin

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 13:50

Yep, also in London here. Ted I'd advise you to go to Marble Arch Pret and see how long your 'no one shares tables' theory stands up for.
I really genuinely have never seen anyone in coffee shop standing around with a tray waiting for a table. I imagine that people who didn't wish to share a table would see that the place was full and go elsewhere. Not stand around doing some bizzare tray holding, food eating balancing act.

Brenda
Please dont bash your head on my table. I would consider that an invasion of my personal space.

TedAndLola · 08/06/2015 13:59

OnlyLovers That makes sense - I've been in a few busy cafes in my time but I'm not exactly a regular. If it's unusual but not unheard of, it makes sense that I wouldn't have seen it.

Jaleh · 08/06/2015 14:48

I work in a big coffee shop. It's normal for customers to sit alone at tables and not share. Also very normal to wait for the table at busy times of day. More older customers share than younger so I'm thinking it's an age thing?

I'm laughing that you will complain to me when someone refuses to share their table! I will tell you 'sorry, you must wait for a vacant table'. We are not chair police and do not dictate where customers can sit. If a man is harassing a woman to sit at her table and woman complains to us, we will ask him to leave. We want all our customers to feel safe and not bothered.

AuntOlive · 08/06/2015 14:51

Visited a cafe in London once. Shared a 4 seater table with a man I didn't know. Shock

OnlyLovers · 08/06/2015 15:48

If a man is harassing a woman to sit at her table and woman complains to us, we will ask him to leave.

How do you define harassing? If a man says 'Sorry, it's busy, can I sit here?' is that harassing?

LurkingHusband · 08/06/2015 15:53

I suspect for some on this thread, "harass" is synonymous with "being there"

TedAndLola · 08/06/2015 15:56

Presumably if she has said he can't sit with her, and he persists anyway.

LurkingHusband · 08/06/2015 16:05

Presumably if she has said he can't sit with her, and he persists anyway.

Has this ever happened ? Really ?

OnlyLovers · 08/06/2015 16:07

Yes, quite, Lurking (to both your posts!)

MythicalKings · 08/06/2015 16:08

you say nobody has the right to sit on their own. You are claiming anyone who goes to cafe alone must expect to share a table with a stranger, despite a lack of evidence for this in RL. That sitting alone is wrong and it is unnatural for anyone to stand up and wait their turn. Even if single person chooses smallest table and gets rid of the spare chair, they are apparently 'hogging' the tiny table.

Lilac, there aren't enough words to describe how daft you are being. The truth is the exact opposite of what you say. You have issues, get help.

A tiny tabletop, that is just big enough for my tray, becomes my personal space while I am using it. I am not going to move my tray or eat over my lap just because someone wants to share my tiny table. I may share that intimate space with my close friends or family, but I am not prepared to share it with a rude stranger. I do not want a stranger in my face or leaning over my food while I'm eating.

Tough. Put your tray on the floor, then there's plenty of room for a mug and plate.

Fortunately cafe staff recognise this, which is why they don't tell customers to share tables or invade each other's personal space.

They don't need to, it's what normal people do.

It's also very weird to make such a fuss about your food/coffee cooling down.

That's just such a stupid thing to say, Lilac. You're on a wind up, aren't you? No one could be that precious.

How I would love to see barista's face when you make your argument

I'd just sit on the chair to annoy you, no need to talk to the barista at all.

Do you accept that your attitude isn't the norm yet?

Katiepoes · 08/06/2015 16:21

I really want some of you to come to Amsterdam for week or so. Not only will you be expected to share a table, most people will not even ask, they may gesture a little at the chair, but in busy cafes and bars a space is fair game. Anyone bothered by it has to stay home.

TedAndLola · 08/06/2015 16:23

Has this ever happened ? Really ?

A lot of people in the thread have said they would do it, so I don't see why it's implausible? Confused

I was only guessing though, maybe Jaleh meant something else.

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 16:28

Lilac, there aren't enough words to describe how daft you are being
Glad I'm not alone with this one.

and YY x 1000 to this Your idea of personal space is bizarre. Seriously, you need help

More older customers share than younger so I'm thinking it's an age thing?
Im 23, so theres that myth busted. Ive shared many a table with people presumably of a similar age as me. Ive also shared tables with women and also gasp with men. When they asked if i could sit, my first reaction wasn't 'oh god i wish this man would stop harrassing me' it was 'oh, the cafes got pretty busy'.

Jaleh · 08/06/2015 16:43

How do you define harassing? If a man says 'Sorry, it's busy, can I sit here?' is that harassing?

Asking is not harassing. But if she says no and he sits down or persists asking, yes that is harassing. Many of our customers are Muslim women who will not share tables with men. A polite man does not share a woman's table when she says no. Lurking, no it doesn't happen often maybe once in a few months. But anytime any woman complains a man will not leave her alone we tell him he must sit elsewhere or leave. She should feel safe to enjoy her drink without him bothering her.

MythicalKings you are very convinced everyone must share all the tables, why? No problem if customers share but also totally fine to sit alone if you like solitude. Many customers don't share the small tables as there's not a lot of room on them. And nooooo please don't put your tray on the floor where we might trip on it Shock

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 16:50

A polite man does not share a woman's table when she says no
If there are no other seats available, its just too damn bad. No one, male or female, gets to dictate who may or may not sit in an unoccupied chair in a cafe!

ApeMan · 08/06/2015 16:50

As far as I'm aware, most people avoid sharing tables until there aren't any chairs left, then either share or leave.

Almost everyone in this thread seems to be saying they do that, but still they are arguing vehemently with other people who do that, that they are wrong... which is bizarre.

MythicalKings · 08/06/2015 16:53

I am convinced that if a café is crowded then people have to accept that they will need to share their tables. That's the normal thing to do. If people aren't happy sharing tables then they shouldn't be there at busy times.

They are the ones out of step.

I prefer to sit alone, most people do, but I'm not arrogant enough to think I have a right to sit on my own when people are standing.

WayneRooneysHair · 08/06/2015 17:02

In my 29 years of existence (so far) I have never had anyone ask if they can sit at my table in a cafe etc, if they did then I'd think that they lack social awareness and I'm sorry but I'd say no.

Andrewofgg · 08/06/2015 17:02

Jaleh What if there is nowhere else and you've just sold him a coffee?

What if he doesn't ask, just sits down quietly and takes out a book, making no attempt to talk to the woman?

I agree he should not bother her. Just sitting there is not bothering her.

Gender and ethnic origin are irrelevant to this discussion. What matters is that they are both customers. If A is willing to sit at the same table as B but B does not want to sit at the same table as A - neither of them doing anything objectionable such as staring or trying to engage in unwanted conversation - then B must either accept it or go.