Sharing tables in cafés

[Athenaviolet]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

Aghast at the person who said it's no big deal if your coffee or toastie cools down. It is! Who are you to tell other people not to mind?!

2 chairs does not mean that both must be occupied - It does if the alternative is somebody standing while the coffee goes cold.

Personal space is subjective. No it isn't, not in these circumstances, it's objectively defined by the number of chairs the management puts at the table. What if I said an entire table of four was my subjective personal space?

Lilac, I obviously don't know what you do for a living but I know what you should do. it used to be men-only but there are women doing it now too.

Professional boxing.

I see you as the pro who does not understand the notion of defeat, who takes endless punishment but comes back for more, and more, and yet more, until saved by the bell, or in this case the 1000 message limit!

Oh god, is this thread still going on? Lilac youre selfish and anti social, we get it.

Andrew and Mythical clearly you think such announcements would be a good idea? These are the behaviours you seem to be promoting.

Er. No. I just expect people to accept that tables are meant for sharing. Most people do. Only the few exceptions like you would need a reminder.

It's like bloody groundhog day.
Lilac just about everyone disagrees with your understanding of personal space.
You simply go grinding on in your own little bubble. If anyone has no social awareness it's you.

Lilac just about everyone disagrees with your understanding of personal space

erm no A handful of people on MN disagree with my views, because they do not understand the concept of personal space or why they need to respect it. These same people feel it is an 'absolute emergency' if their coffee cools down. They would sooner sit at a table where they are not welcome, or take a chair that was reserved for someone else, than risk their toastie going cold. They would rather make a stranger feel upset and awkward than stand and wait for their own table.

Andrew it's interesting you view this thread as a boxing match. It's also interesting that you think 'personal space' is defined by the number of chairs at a table.

Waiting your turn is part of life. Being sensitive to individual needs and respecting people's personal space is important. Far more important than getting an instant seat in a busy cafe.

Like I said - your own little bubble.

Thank heaven's I've never met anyone like you in a café.

A handful of people on MN disagree with my views, because they do not understand the concept of personal space or why they need to respect it.

No. A handful of people on MN disagree with you because you are talking utter shyte and refuse to accept that anyone else might have a valid, if alternative, opinion.

Here's the Groundhog Day sensation again... Lilac, people do understand the concept of personal space, they just don't agree with you as to the extent of it. I am quite sure that the vast majority of people would pick up on your dislike and distrust towards strangers and would endeavour to find a seat anywhere else than your table.

I think Lilac that the personal space of a whole table to yourself is attainable. It's in your house.

In a café it's the seat you're sat on.

I've followed this thread to it's current turgid death, but felt compelled to add my voice to those trying to tell you that you are, indeed, in a small minority.

If im spending £4 or more on a coffee then i want to drink it whilst it's hot.
I like having a small table to myself.
Would i tell someone they couldn't share if it were busy? Err no i wouldn't expect them to have cold food and coffee.
I also understand the concept of personal space.
I actuLly suffer really badly with anxiety, would stillshare.

I think that most of understand the concept of personal space- and generally we would respect it- but not in a busy cafe when our coffee is going cold!

Lilac, you do realise that you live in a community, not your own personal bubble? A cafe is a communal space where most people have the manners to let others sit Dow and enjoy their drink in relative comfort.
If your phobia really means you expect other people to indulge your requirement that they cannot sit in an empty seat then perhaps done counselling might help you adjust to societal norms.

By inviting yourself to share, you're intruding. NO you're not; you're taking the OTHER chair at a table with TWO chairs, which means TWO people may sit there.

I've eaten a panini standing up in Costa on several occasions

That's your issue. I'd much rather a stranger sat at my table with me than hovered about trying to eat standing up.

Your idea of personal space is bizarre. Seriously, you need help.

Oh dear another thread where 1 poster is being bullied and ridiculed for not conforming No need to gang up and get nasty folks. Plenty on here supported the OP and said they don't share those little tables Lilac is talking about. Nothing wrong with sharing if everyone's happy. But v.selfish weird and crass to FORCE someone to share with you just cos you think it's the 'right' thing to do. It's not up to you its up to whoever who got the table first. If they're not ok with it you leave them be and find another table (preferably 1 with more room) Coffee going cold? Big deal lol! Not a valid reason for upsetting another human being or stomping on her feelings. I hope if I or 1 of my kids had ASD/sensory issues people would be more sensitive and tolerant than on here. There's no law to say we must share cafe tables in RL indeed I've never seen people crowding onto tables with strangers or telling me i can't reserve seats for people in the queue. In the cafes we go to its normal to queue for tables when its busy. Common sense you might have to queue up at lunchtime!

I'd only just finished my sandwich and was only halfway through my juice so I only got a few minutes alone for £6.

I think you are confused here between what you want and what you are actually paying for.

'I only got a few minutes alone for £6' You were not paying for time alone, even though that is clearly what you wanted. You were paying for a sandwich and some juice! You got that.

I get that you have issues, but they are your issues, with the best will in the world, you cannot make them impact on everyone you come across.

I think most people on this thread are of the opinion that you only claim the chair, not the table.

Plenty on here supported the OP and said they don't share those little tables
Errr, no. Most people have said they dont like sharing, but still do so anyway because it's normal prodcedure in a coffee shop/cafe.

But v.selfish weird and crass to FORCE someone to share with you
Its selfish to hog an entire table to your self, forcing people to eat standing up because you have a wierd thing about 'personal space'

It's not up to you its up to whoever who got the table first
No it isn't, they dont own the table. If the last spare seat in the cafe was at a table with an antisocial freak who didnt want to share without reason, I would still sit there. They don't get to dictate if I can or cannot sit on an unoccupied chair.

Not a valid reason for upsetting another human being or stomping on her feelings
If a person is so fragile that they consider someone sitting opposite to them at a table 'stoming on [their] feelings' then they need help. That isn't my problem to deal with.

I hope if I or 1 of my kids had ASD/sensory issues people would be more sensitive and tolerant than on here
Sorry, who's got ASD? Pointles thing to say anyway, what are you supposed to do, ask for everyones full medical history before you ask to share the table just on the remote off chance they must have some sort of disability? Even if they do, again not my problem. Dont go to cafes/coffee shops if they are that upset at the prospect of sharing a table

If a person is so fragile that they consider someone sitting opposite to them at a table 'stoming on [their] feelings' then they need help. That isn't my problem to deal with.

Exactly. I actually bloody hate people sharing my table. I also recognise that it's tough shit.

The demonising of people on their own in cafes on this thread is really depressing.

I find it in RL as well: somehow a couple at a table for 3 or 4 is never required to share or their 'need' for privacy questioned. Yet some of the really unkind comments on this thread directed at single 'table hoggers' is really vile.

It reflects a deep assumption in this society that if you are on your own you're a weirdo.Really unkind and unthinking.

upthe
Honestly I don't see how youve come up with any of that from this thread. Most people are talking about sharing a table for 2 with a stranger. By that logic BOTH people would be alone so how is this thread some sort of crusade agaisnt people on their own?

upthechimney, you're projecting.

No one is demonising people who sit on their own in cafes. Most of us are that person at some time. We are just saying that if you sit on your own at a table with free seats the normal and polite thing to do is share if the café is crowded.

It's very weird to object to table sharing and to expect people to stand around letting food/coffee get cold while you guard an unused chair.

I think I get where you are coming from lilac, you are more important and worthy of having a spare seat next to you rather than the other paying customers. You have decided its your right to have the spare seat and actually you are giving others the opportunity putting to practice "waiting your turn in life".

Upthe, I agree with others, you're projecting or making things up.

I have been out with my DP many times and have either been asked to, or have asked if we can, share a table for 3 or 4, or bigger.

No one is demonising people who sit on their own in cafes
Yes they are. This is exactly what you are doing when you say nobody has the right to sit on their own. You are claiming anyone who goes to cafe alone must expect to share a table with a stranger, despite a lack of evidence for this in RL. That sitting alone is wrong and it is unnatural for anyone to stand up and wait their turn. Even if single person chooses smallest table and gets rid of the spare chair, they are apparently 'hogging' the tiny table.

Its selfish to hog an entire table to your self, forcing people to eat standing up because you have a wierd thing about 'personal space'
A tiny tabletop, that is just big enough for my tray, becomes my personal space while I am using it. I am not going to move my tray or eat over my lap just because someone wants to share my tiny table. I may share that intimate space with my close friends or family, but I am not prepared to share it with a rude stranger. I do not want a stranger in my face or leaning over my food while I'm eating. Fortunately cafe staff recognise this, which is why they don't tell customers to share tables or invade each other's personal space.

It's very weird to object to table sharing and to expect people to stand around letting food/coffee get cold
It's very weird to insist on table-sharing when someone has said no. It's also very weird to make such a fuss about your food/coffee cooling down. You did not pay for an 'instant seat' no matter how expensive your drink.

antisocial freak
Is it necessary to call people nasty names? There could be many reasons they don't want to share personal space with you. If in RL you come across as aggressive and pushy, I doubt you would be welcome to share anyone's table.

If a person is so fragile that they consider someone sitting opposite to them at a table 'stoming on [their] feelings' then they need help. That isn't my problem to deal with
Yet it is taboo to ignore someone when they say no.

I would argue that if someone is so fragile they are unable to stand and wait, or so distressed by the prospect of coffee cooling, then they are the one with the problem who should be avoiding cafes at busiest time.
If I am seated at a 2-person table and I tell you the unoccupied seat is taken, you are free to disbelieve me or complain to management. I'd love to listen-in to your very logical argument which I guess would go something like this:
'I want to sit at that table but lady says the spare chair is taken! Im sure she's lying and not really waiting for someone! She has no right to have a WHOLE TABLETOP to herself! Quick, tell her to let me sit down NOW! And tell her she must move her tray so I can put my tray there instead. Quick, my coffee's going cold and I just paid £4 for it and I DEMAND to sit down at once and drink it sitting at that table! I simply can't cope with it going cold or waiting for a free table when I can SEE a seat that no-one is sitting on!'
How I would love to see barista's face when you make your argument