Sharing tables in cafés

[Athenaviolet]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

Sorry for multiple post

That's how excited I am about Olive's trip.

Brenda maybe the guy meant he was saving the chair for his friend, and had put his stuff on it to indicate it was taken? You can't nick someone's chair if they've just gone to the loo or are queuing up to buy more drinks. If he wasn't keeping the chair for someone, then yes he was rude.

I'm in agreement that people are less strident in real-life than on MN! I have never ever observed people arguing over coffee-shop chairs or plonking themselves down at someone else's table demanding to 'share' it when they've been told it's taken.

In case I've been missing something (or unknowingly committing etiquette crimes all these years), I popped into my local Costa at 11:45 today to observe people's behaviour... I bought a hot chocolate and bottle of water, and sat down at a 2-person table to wait for my friend, who was meeting me at 12:15. Not one person asked to share my tiny table, although one lady did ask if she could take the chair... I politely said 'I'm afraid it's taken' and added I was waiting for a friend. Funnily enough she did not snatch chair away, or sit on it defiantly, or declare she would use it until my friend arrived. She just said ok, nodded and moved on (like a normal courteous adult). By 12:15 it was crowded, a few people standing with trays waiting for tables, and plenty of small tables with single occupants or large tables with a spare chair. I did not observe ANYONE asking to share these part-occupied tables. Either they didn't want to intrude, or they preferred to wait for a table of their own. My friend arrived and no-one tutted at the fact I had 'reserved' her chair for almost 30mins. By 12:45 it was even busier, but still nobody demanded to sit in her place or mine when we took turns to visit the loo. And yes, there were still lots of single people at small tables, many with laptops. There was also a very anxious-looking man at a nearby 4-seater table (it was actually 2 small tables pushed together) he was muttering to himself and glancing around as if a bit paranoid, with his belongings and empty cups spread across the tables. Nobody bothered him or told him to move up. I don't know if he was waiting for people, but while I was there nobody else joined him. And no-one challenged him.

Whatever your views on table-sharing... I suggest you go to a large busy Costa at lunchtime and watch what people do in real-life My views may be in minority on MN, but in real-life situations it seems the majority behave as I do... table-sharing with strangers in coffee-shops is simply not the norm.

OP I haven't read whole thread but to my mind the etiquette is that the person asks " do you mind if I sit here?" and you are free to say " sorry, I would rather you didn't" without giving any explanation. However this does not apply at lunchtime when people may be on a tight time limit and the place will be very busy with people who just want to sit down and eat; at that time it's rude to hog whole tables.

So Lilac people stood with their trays at a busy lunchtime period rather than ask to share a table with the single man at a four seater table? From your description perhaps they thought he was a bit agitated and gave him a wide berth. As for your occupation of a table for 30 minutes waiting for your friend there's no reason as far as I can see why someone shouldn't have requested that seat and used it until your friend arrived.
Perhaps I'll test this out - when I have time to visit any kind of coffee shop during a weekday at lunchtime.

Well I made it unscathed. It wasn't that busy and but we did need to borrow a chair from another table. There was no one sitting there but after reading this thread I asked the room in general. No one objected.

Funnily enough, MrsLH and I have started asking to share tables in busy Costas (our guilty pleasure) inspired by a recent (2 months ago) thread on MN about people hogging tables .....

We've only done it twice, so too early to say. Both times no incident, or funny looks though.

Just to balance things, we popped in a few weeks back, and it was busy. MrsLH always looks carefully, as she likes to transfer from her scooter. As I was queuing, a lady waved at me from a 4-seater table. I thought for a second she was waving to someone else in the queue, until I realised there was no-one else in the queue. When I went over, she said she'd be going in a few minutes and we were welcome to share her table (which was ideally suited !). So I guess that balances life out a bit ?

Anyway - she may have been a Mumsnetter (we chatted about kids very briefly). If so hi Veronica !

There was no one sitting there but after reading this thread I asked the room in general. No one objected.

OP what would you have done if you had gone into a cafe that was quite busy but you thought you would get a table by the time you had selected and paid however nobody has gone. There are only, say two,single places on different tables.

What would you do? Ok you are annoyed that you can't have a table to yourself but then what? Are you going to stand there like a lemon while the person behind you in the queue takes a place? Are you going to join a table?

I guess the guy really didn't want to sit next to you and wouldn't have minded a table to himself but tough on you all. You are in a public space. It's not 'your' table. You are free to occupy it while you consume your food and drink. If he asks your permission he is merely being polite. He could plonk himself there anyway as the cafe haven't reserved it for anyone else.
Even if you lied and said someone was joining you, it's not your prerogative to decline him a seat.

in real-life situations it seems the majority behave as I do... table-sharing with strangers in coffee-shops is simply not the norm.

Thanks for that definitive and unarguable analysis with its data set of ... one coffee shop on one occasion. Oh, and thanks for the slightly patronising suggestion that everyone else should do as you do.

The man on his own is a red herring; IME people generally avoid anyone sitting in a caff/on a bus etc looking paranoid and muttering to themselves.

The last time my husband and I were in a very busy M&S cafe at lunchtime we couldn't see a spare table so we just went to one for 4 with 2 people and said 'sorry to disturb you but there are no other seats' - they said it was fine and then we just ignored each other and got on with lunch and our own conversations. It wasn't a problem- a quick glance showed them we had no other option.

I'v been having a coffee at a 2 person table waiting for my friend to arrive into town and a bloke has asked to
Join me as there were no other seats.
It was fine. He read his paper, i read my magazine.

I'm in a National Trust cafe. The sign says "Find a table before queueing for food."

I think the answer is avoid busy cafes - too much stress.

kali he doesn't know what a lucky escape he had. After all you might have decided he was predatory and asked the staff to remove him.

This thread kind of ran away from itself.

But to update/finish off, I'm back to my old faithful today- 16 free tables, 4 occupied. Perfect!

Congratulations, Athena :) Enjoy your afternoon!

16 free tables, 4 occupied. Perfect!

My kind of cafe!

Maybe go the library next time?

Quiet cafes like customers too.

Athenaviolet I don't like sharing my table either. I get that the man didn't do anything wrong if there were no other tables available (although "is this seat taken?" implies he's with a large group and is going to take the seat to another table. "Do you mind if I sit here?" makes more sense) but I understand it can feel tense and awkward. Personally if I queued up knowing that the cafe was pretty full, I'd get my drink to go rather than sit with a stranger but that's just me. I know plenty of people have no issue with it.

Are there any chain coffee shops around you? Before people start bashing the big bad evil chains, I ask because they often have smaller tables and long bar style seating better suited to single customers. That way even if you do have to share the bar, chances are you'll still have plenty of space and won't be sat directly across from someone making it less awkward.

I've been on both sides of the long stay customer argument- I've worked as a barista and when I was at uni found that I worked best in a coffee shop. I think it's good practice to choose the smallest table when going alone even if you have lots of books etc to spread out, so bigger groups have got the space. I would also buy something at least every half hour regardless of how busy the cafe is, just out of manners. If I was skint it might just be a small coffee to start with and a small cake later on, but if I was there for a good few hours I'd have a couple of drinks, buy lunch, leave a tip etc. If I was too skint to afford to buy enough to make my stay worthwhile, then I wouldn't go. On the other side of the counter, I've had to ask customers to move from larger 6 seater tables to a smaller one when they are alone to allow a family to sit down and had customers complain to me that they had nowhere to sit, but I've also had some lovely regulars who would set up camp in a corner for the afternoon. They would buy enough to justify their stay and would bring empties to the counter etc, and as a result we'd sometimes surprise them with a bit of cake or a refill on the house, especially if they looked busy or stressed. Be nice to the baristas and they will repay you in kind!

Oh and I don't see a problem with reserving seats as long as you plan to actually buy something straight away, not when one person sits at a table for half an hour before the rest of their group arrive and then they think about ordering. I think it's just good planning. If you're alone pop a coat on a seat. If it's busy you can't really complain if someone else plans in advance before queuing up!

I don't get why people are saying the man should ask if he could sit there so the OP could refuse. Wth seriously? So in your minds OP is better than everyone else in the cafe? 'No you can't possibly sit at my table but feel free to go and sit at that other persons table?'

And all that shit about you should stand around with your drink and food going cold until a table becomes available for your solo use (who knows how long this may be?!) is absolute bollocks. Are people really that fucking precious they can't possibly share a table with another human. Ffs, grow up!