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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sharing tables in cafés

963 replies

Athenaviolet · 01/06/2015 18:48

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU here.

I was in a cafe today. It was quite busy. Tbh if I'd known it was going to be busy I'd have gone elsewhere. My reason for going wasn't for the food & drink but for somewhere to sit to look up jobs on my phone, take notes etc. I wanted to sit for a couple of hours and it cost £6 for the privilege which I could do with not spending. There's tension in the house atm so don't feel comfortable there.

After I'd finished my sandwich but was still drinking my juice (in a transparent bottle so was obviously not finished) an older man came over to my table and asked if anyone was using the spare seats. I said no because that was the truth but it made me extremely uncomfortable him sitting next to me. I found it really hard to concentrate and left before I otherwise would have. (I have autistic traits so find 'social' situations difficult) I spent the next hour driving about in the rain.

Was he being unreasonable 'invading' my space? I was in his situation the other day and I just stood and waited for a free table. I think this is the polite thing to do.

Could I have said "please don't sit there while I'm still having my order"?

I'm very uncertain in these sort of social dilemmas. Imo when I'm paying (the extra) for a sit in meal part of what I'm paying for is 'the experience' of a table to sit in peace at. If I was just hungry I'd just go to a drive through.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 02/06/2015 21:41

I have never found coffee shops to be a hot bed of pick up artists, but that may be more to do with me than the pick up artists....

MythicalKings · 02/06/2015 21:42

I would have a quiet word with a member of staff, explain a man had joined us at our table uninvited, and that we felt intimidated/uneasy about him

And you'd be laughed at. This isn't the 1940s.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/06/2015 22:28

"I would have a quiet word with a member of staff, explain a man had joined us at our table uninvited, and that we felt intimidated/uneasy about him. "
And what would you do Lilac if it wasn't Andrew but myself, a middle-aged woman who sat down? Because I have to say, in the circumstances described (free tables taken whilst I queued, only free seats at part-occupied tables) I would be sitting down.

"In my city centre, the popular Costa/Nero/Starbucks are notorious for men trying to pick up women, I've been approached numerous times by men wanting to share my table, who would then try to chat me up."
Hmm

ilovesooty · 02/06/2015 22:31

"Excuse me. A man has sat at my table and he's reading his book. Could you ask him to move as it's making me uncomfortable"

I don't think so.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 02/06/2015 22:38

You're paying for food and a drink OP - not renting a chair and table.

Yabu - ASD or no ASD.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 02/06/2015 22:41

You cannot make other people responsible for managing your ASD.

Loletta · 02/06/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 02/06/2015 22:49

I don't think making remarks about people managing other people's asd is on, but I don't think it's reasonable to actively prevent others from sitting in an available seat, especially stating that they wouldn't let a man sit there purely because he's male, and in fact they'd ask the staff to remove him.

Loletta · 02/06/2015 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 02/06/2015 22:57

I agree that's nasty Loletta

No my issue was with Lilac's comments later in the thread.

MidniteScribbler · 02/06/2015 23:23

If someone asks to share my table and i'm not comfortable with it, I simply smile and say 'sorry I'm waiting for someone'.

Smile or no smile, that just makes you an arsehole. You don't have any right to expect someone to drink their tea/coffee standing up because you think that every man is the world has the hots for you.

Mehitabel6 · 03/06/2015 07:02

You could say that you will move as soon as the person turns up- you are not going to be long anyway.

OneInEight · 03/06/2015 07:45

You could obey our family rules for café choosing:

  1. You shall not enter unless there is exactly 50% of the chairs occupied - no more, no less.
  2. You shall not enter unless of that 50% there be at least 25% under the age of sixteen.
  3. There should be no children under five excepting babies who are in prams and asleep.
  4. Any café serving strange bits of food such as tomatoes or anything green is not admissible.
  5. There should be no music playing.
  6. There should be no people in uniform sitting at the tables particularly policemen. Café staff in uniform can be tolerated.

Strangely, enough we don't often take the ds's to cafe's these days. More seriously another time is there a library close by you can while away your couple of hours - free and usually quieter.

AuntOlive · 03/06/2015 07:48

Even better oneineight: library cafe :-)
(Love your rules. I've never seen a police officer idly whiling away an hour or so in a cafe tho ! )

AuntOlive · 03/06/2015 07:49

At least not a uniformed one...

LilacWine7 · 03/06/2015 08:24

Did someone just say it's fine to sit at a table while your friend and queues. That doesn't apply if the cafe is full/nearly full right?

Yes of course it's fine for one person to queue while the other(s) find a table. It's also common sense when a cafe is busy! Maybe once upon a time it was frowned upon but nowadays it's the norm in places like Costa, Starbucks, Nero. I don't know what the rules are in John Lewis cafe (never been there) maybe they're different? Still can't see how anyone can rationally object to this.

You are not guaranteed a seat in a busy cafe! You pay for the coffee, the table is included if one is available. No-one should feel obliged to share their small cramped table with you, or let you squash up to them on a 2-seater sofa. Or let you sit down in the 'unoccupied' seat while their friend is in the loo or queuing at counter, no matter how quickly you plan to drink up! If anyone sat at my table when I'd said the seat is taken, I'd think they had a screw loose or very poor social skills. It's intrusive and rude. I find it hard to believe anyone in real-life would actually sit down at someone else's table when they have been told the unoccupied seat is taken. It's never happened to me and I go to coffee shops a lot.) Doesn't matter how busy it is, you have no right to force yourself on other people just because you're too impatient to wait for your own table. If you want a guaranteed seat, book a table at a restaurant. Otherwise be prepared to wait for a free table or ask for a takeaway cup.

ilovesooty · 03/06/2015 08:28

I've never met anyone who refused to allow me to sit in the unoccupied seat at their table quite frankly. I didn't know such people even existed prior to reading posts from you, Lilac
Hopefully I don't live anywhere near you.

AuntOlive · 03/06/2015 08:32

Do different prices apply for takeaway drinks - something to do with vat? I know the prices in Costa for food are higher if you eat in so always assumed that the eat in prices included an element of 'table rental' (but maybe vat?)

It's pretty awkward if you've got a tray full and nowhere to sit, and when you start queuing there's no way to know if there will be a free table by the time you've finished.

Personally I don't have a problem table sharing but will always ask to check no one is in loo / popped out for ciggy etc.

ilovesooty · 03/06/2015 08:34

And this has gone a long way from the OP who felt uncomfortable (and who has every right to those feelings) but didn't actually try to assert some kind of right to keep seats around her free while others had to stand.

ilovesooty · 03/06/2015 08:37

Yes vat isn't charged on takeaway drinks.

I'm sure a cafe will be thrilled if Lilac succeeds in having people removed from her table and they return to the counter to ask for their coffee to be decanted into a takeaway cup and then for a 20% refund on what they've paid.

AuntOlive · 03/06/2015 08:40

If a cafe is really busy and I'm on a table of 4 by myself (because that was the only free table) then I will often offer up the seats to harassed looking people emerging from the Q with trays. I don't mind sharing.

When I at work canteen though I have sometimes have the opposite problem. The 'lunch clique' sit on one table even if they have to keep pulling up extra chairs until it's ridiculously crowded. Meanwhile I eat alone at the 6 seater table next to them. Many a time I've been tempted to ask if I smell Grin.

But I don't take offence, it's human nature and I am cool doing my own thing.

Collaborate · 03/06/2015 08:43

I'm Shock at the number of people who appear to have some kind of aura around them that think this gives them the right to commandeer empty chairs in a radius around them so that only people of their choosing can use it. Tends to be those who don't want someone of the opposite sex sitting near them. Go figure.

LilacWine7 · 03/06/2015 08:52

I'm sure a cafe will be thrilled if Lilac succeeds in having people removed from her table and they return to the counter to ask for their coffee to be decanted into a takeaway cup and then for a 20% refund on what they've paid

Er, the cafe would not refund the 20% vat. You chose to eat-in rather than take-away at a busy cafe with lack of free tables, so you either wait your turn for a table or stand (or queue all over again to demand your 20% and annoy everyone in queue by making a fuss). I sometimes stand for a quick coffee and panini and I see many others doing the same, even when there are unoccupied seats at small tables. If you want a table you get there before the busiest time.

Modern cafes are unlikely to ask people to let a stranger share a table! They want people to feel comfortable and most tables are tiny, they're designed for 2 friends or a single person. What if the only 'free' seat was on an intimate 2-seater sofa, would you honestly ask to share it??

fastdaytears · 03/06/2015 08:53

Lilac I find this all so amazing that it's like we're accidentally talking about totally different things. Cafe etiquette certainly is polarising and I don't think we're going to agree. Let's hope we're all going to different cafes IRL.

Also feeling a bit paranoid about never having been chatted up in Starbucks. Maybe need to lay off the super sugary frappucinos for a bit! Actually Jimmy Carr did look at my chest in a Starbucks once but I think it was accidental. There's a lot of it. Wouldn't have minded if he had chatted me up though.

JassyRadlett · 03/06/2015 08:54

How many exactly, Collaborate?

Or is another man of straw headed in our direction?