AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

Yes Nimky, there about. Now let's get back to the topic at hand. No? I suspect you will want to continue this side dialogue so you know what? You are dismissed. Nothing more to say to you.

We also have a one-year-old and it's a wonderful but still tumultuous adjustment. My husband and I are in it for the long haul in our marriage and both put up with plenty of crud from each other but it is what it is and will get easier with time. Our daughter takes all of my energy and often I'm speechless by the end of the day and if my dh and I have some little misunderstanding I can't even articulate what I mean. Thankfully, he doesn't usually perseverate at these moments and we just move on and try to relax if we can. We're both thrilled to be parents it's just that we barely have time to catch our breath. So my advice would be to help out as much as possible with practical matters and let her relax and catch her breath. She's probably happier than you realize.

Newrule, as talented at ignoring as she is at talking sense and is knowledgable about depression.

Îts like a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I would take this question to pistonheads forum. They are very balanced about many topics and normally have constructive suggestions.

I think we get bogged down on here with all this talk of how we treat men differently etc. Yes I think we do treat men differently because men are different. They post differently, they tend to see the situation differently and very often we find it easier to empathise with the women's situation - with us also being women I think that is entirely reasonable.

If a woman said she follows her husband round the house trying to force him into an argument when he has walked away I think she'd get pulled right up on it. He's not being criticised because he's a man, it's because of the way he's posting.

I walk away from my DH when he tries to "communicate" with me. I do this because I know I cannot have my say when he is in that mood and I will end up in tears. I don't think it's unreasonable or immature for me to do that.

Do you honestly think a woman would wait several posts to mention that her DH had diagnosed depression? I don't. I think that shows a complete lack of understanding.

OP, you and your wife are in the thick of it. You don't realise it until you are out the other side how utterly shit this stage is.

Does your DW work or is she a SAHM?

Looking after the demands of small children can be lonely, boring and quite soul destroying (it balances with moments of joy, but we often lose sight of this). Day to day life with LOs is drudgery.

You say you do 50:50 with the kids, but what about the housework?

Does she feel you go away to work, leaving her in the pit of nappies and sleeplessness, bearing all the responsibility? (I take what you say about earning extra money, but my own experience is that XH would go and have his normal life being a grown up and I would be -literally - cleaning up the shit at home).

My advice is DONT demand her attention. She already has 2 demanding people who she is on call for 24/7. Do more around the house. Make her a cup of tea. Take some of pressure off her.

In a couple of years you will be out of the hell that is toddlerdom.

Oh newrule dismiss yourself. Your posts are highly irritating and immature.

Op I genuinely hope things improve between you and your dw. I'd imagine her depression is having a huge impact on your relationship. She is probably exhausted from holding it together at work and infront of your children. She is then having her down time when it's just you and her. Certainly not fun for either of you. Just try to be there for her without expecting too much for the time being xxx

Gosh I thank god my DH was rather more supportive when I was depressed. I must have been awful to live with for a while but he was loving, kind and patient.

If you don't undrstand what a depressed person needs inorder to get well again, then educate yourself or just stay away from them, because you will make the illness ten times worse.

I really hope this poor woman is getting support from her mother and possibly even WA to get this bullying prick out of her life.

If the OP's wife does read this thread - not sure he will be so keen to shove it in her face now that several posters have seen through him and said so - Don't worry. You can get rid of him and your depression will lift pretty quickly once you have done so - a lot of PND and other forms of depression in women are down to living with abusive men.

OP: you are a loser. You will never have a happy relationship unless you can get rid of the idea that a woman is some sort of cross between a dog to be trained and a household appliance that should just do what you want when the buttons are pushed. Your wife is quite right to refuse couple counselling and no competent counsellor would see the pair of you together, as you are abusive so it would do more harm than good.

It is extremely poor form to post such a recognisable and later hostile thread in your wife's support space. You are waiting for her to find it. You are trying to bait her into talking to you. Arguing with you. Communicating with you in a way that you feel is worthwhile.

There are many forums. The internet is a big place.

I hope she doesn't rise to it. I don't think she will. I get the feeling you've exhausted her and she's just utterly fed up of you now. This won't help with that.

I would hope the OP has changed some of the details. Most people do.
There are hundreds of identifiable threads on Mumsnet, if not about husbands then about female relations and friends. I think it's fine that the OP has posted here.

I'm staggered at the number of posters who make sweeping statements about the OP and his wife. Some are just silly (using the word sprog is 'dismissive' and shows you don't care for the kids WTF!!!) but some are downright offensive. Some posters make it up as they go along and fill in the gaps with whatever suits their agenda.

Surely this is the type of thread where it would be better to be offering advice as to what the OP can do next rather than ripping him apart.

If you think he's an arse you can still tell him but there is no need for the nasty replies.

The fact the wife suffers from depression is, of course, a huge factor but it's interesting to note in threads where it's a female complaining about a Male with depression or Aspergers type issues the posters the replies are far more sympathetic to the female . I have NO IDEA if the wife is being emotionally abusive or is stonewalling and whether or not it's due to her depression. No one can tell from this thread.

i agree wandering, i would think that its more helpful for the wife as well to help the guy to make things worth (in most cases as long as theres not abuse) than just tear him down continuously so he leaves with barely any helpful advice so things carry on for the depressed wife and himself.

agree also with the depression i saw an AIBU about a DH with Health Anxiety and there were countless "LTB" and "oh it sounds like a hard life to live with"
"it will continuously be this bad for you, i would leave" "its not up to you to make his life feel better" type responses.

dawn but don't you think if his wife "dumps and runs" she has a small expectation that he will want to answer criticisms or points that she has made. i imagine most people would want to answer points they don't agree with IF they were consistently unloaded upon that they were doing so and so wrong or getting blamed for whatever and it consistently started happening?

HappyMeerKat, your points are well made. I so very much agree.

I agree with SGB and would do so whatever genders were involved in this unhappy tale. It's a bit facile to suggest that posts that don't agree with a certain viewpoint are made 'because he is a man'. I don't see that at all. I see a pain in the arse whinywuss who has caused his DP to close down because it's her only escape from being followed around by someone goading for an argument. As for being stunned that silly virals from the interwebs are not rekindling your DP's love for you - well, that kind of tells me you're not even ready for grownupsville.
Anyway if you posted here hoping that she'd read it and have a lightbulb moment - I do hope that comes true. But it won't be in the direction you want it to be.

... and same re. Wandering's post.

The double standards and projecting on here is sad.

I haven't read to the end of this man bashing thread but feel the "advice " I've seen so far is typical of a gaggle of women reluctant to admit that another woman might be behaving unkindly to her partner. Give the unhappy man a bit of a break and credit for asking for help.

So you haven't seen then, 6cats, that the 'unhappy man' later disclosed his wife has depression and that he wants her to 'pull her head out of her arse'.

Maybe, for future reference, you should read the whole thread before commenting because your comments look rather silly in light of everything else that's been said.

A 'gaggle' of women? Christ. Get back to the 1800's ffs - they're missing you.

I hope OP comes back - there are some really good posts and good advice since he last posted.

OP in the kindest possible way, I agree with many other posters that if your wife is depressed you need to treat it a little more seriously and empathetically than "she needs to pull her head out of her arse" or whatever you said. Depression is debilitating and turns you into a shell of a person you barely even recognise. It is really hard to explain it to someone who has never suffered from it.

If it was the other way round I can imagine the flaming the man would get. How dare a man be upset and irritated that his wife refuses to discuss things. He's trying to save his marriage here, what does everyone think he should do apart from "back off."