AIBU to “insist” on communicating with my wife?

[TheOtherSide]

Times are stressful at the moment. Sprog 1, 3.5yo & sprog 2 1yo. My wife & I are always arguing. Any topic is fair game from what to watch on TV through to Money, shopping, weather etc etc.

My Wife has found a new coping strategy – its called “Just ignore him”, state your feelings & walk away. Instead of arguing, ignore him and spend your time productively browsing the web or playing computer games. This irritates me, resolves nothing and has been going on for months.

We have blazing rows and either....

1. I follow her around the house and attempt to communicate – I'm then accused of being a stalker.

1. We ignore & avoid each other – about a week later she pretends that everything is ok and nothing happened.

I'm working away from home during the week for the next couple of months. I got home on Thursday night about 9pm and tried to engage her in non controversial casual conversation, e.g. check out this funny clip of a toddler on FB. She tried to ignore me and then had a massive go at me for wasting her time and went to bed.

I have suggested “Marriage Guidance” but this was poo poohed as she felt that last time the councillor sided with me. I arranged a course of sessions with a different organisation, and hence different counsellor, but she still refused to go. She then suggested that I attend on my own.

Key points...

a. I can't see how the marriage is going to survive/progress if we can't communicate.
b. If we didn't have kids then i'd gladly walk/run right now but we do so I will not.
c. I/we need to find a way forward

...any ideas?

Thanks.

LOL. Charming! I expect no less from you. My views are mine to express. Take them or leave them. You can keep your personal insults. I am not interested in them.

There is a mental health section on here.
I'm shocked that any poster would post glib, ignorant nasty shit about depression.

Grim.

I disagree with the sentiment that this is a public forum so anyone can post for advice. If you know that your dw spends half her life here, I can't imagine why you would think it appropriate to lay out your relationship here to be dissected, with give away details that would make it obvious to her at least, especially if she is suffering from depression.

It sounds like you are both very unhappy. The tone of your last posts sound really disparaging and disrespectful of your wife. Why on earth would she want to skip through the daisies with someone who wants her to pull her head out of her arse and start communicating and functioning like a normal human being. You have admitted you're only there for the kids. You resent the support she gets from her mum.

I think she's right that you should continue to go to counselling on her own and work through your next steps. I don't think the response on here has been that unfair really, because nothing at all that you've said gives any hint that you actually like your wife at all, let alone love her. It must be so difficult to live with that.

As is the norm, I agree with Pag.

Of course he can have a support space. But coming to the site that he knows she spends a lot of time on to talk glibly about her depression as an afterthought and suggest she needs to 'remove her head from her arse' suggests it wasn't really support he was after. Why would anyone talk about their depressed, ill spouse in such terms to strangers knowing they May well see?

Pagwatch, don't waste your time with these insults. If you expect them to impact on me, forget it. They won't. I would repeat my views above a million time.

No matter the orifice through which I express my views, they are mine to express. Take them or leave them.

OP, your posts sound angry and frustrated. I don't doubt you feel angry and frustrated about the situation, but this is infusing every single thing you say, which may potentially be one of the issues at the heart of the matter.

I have one DC and must confess that on days when DH has been at work, and I've been trying to do things all day (and everything is thwarted by cries of 'I'm hungry/I'm bored/I'm tired/I'm thirsty/Come and play..' every 5 minutes), if DH is later home than he said, I get irritated. I rarely have any time when I can be alone and quiet. I wouldn't change my DH or DC for the world, but sometimes, just escaping to the computer gives me a little headspace.

I don't dispute that you take 50% share of parenting. What happens when you're working extra hours? Is your wife doing her usual hours and then 'extra' childcare on top? Has her workload changed in terms of content? Has she been given more responsibility at work? Has she been less communicative/more 'off' since the birth of your 3rd DC?

It sounds as though she may be having issues with coping - possibly stress, possibly depression, possibly both. Withdrawal sounds as though its a form of escapism.

Newrule, they may be your opinions and you are of course entitled to them but it's evident you don't know what you're talking about. I worked full time in a relatively senior position for the majority of my pnd, gaining 2 promotions on the way. At home however, my head and my life were falling apart and all I wanted to do was end it. Come 9am each week day though and I was in work mode. The mind can do amazing things.

Why do you think insulting you would be a waste of my time?

Not every activity is determined by its impact upon you. If you post guff about depression/ mental health then I am happy to describe it as guff. The alternative is to let a stupid, ignorant view remain unchallenged.

Besides, it's sunny, I have coffee.

Run for the hills OP!

Well continue your insults, my dear. Do excuse me though for ignoring you from now on. You are dismissed.

OP, I just wanted to second the PP who suggested writing your wife a letter. When my older DD was having a very tricky time in adolescence, I found it was the only way I could sometimes keep the channels of communication open. With a letter, you are not derailed into saying things you didn't exactly mean by the response of the other person, you can take your time and think about exactly what you want to get across, and you can plan how to say things so as to explain your point of view rather than get derailed into aggression, which is all too easy when there is a pattern of trouble communicating. I read lots of books about assertive rather than aggressive communication. I made sure to do things like make many positive points for each negative one, to use 'I feel' statements rather than accusatory ones - e.g.. - 'when you do x it makes me feel very upset' - they can't argue with how you feel about something and it is less confrontational - and to give her the letter and make sure she had time and space to read it. At the time she rarely acknowledged my perspective, though she always read the letters, and it seemed futile, but it did keep communication between us and eventually paid off as things improved. I can understand your frustration spilling out into hostile language, but obviously if your wife senses you are only there because of the children, that's not going to help the situation whether or not she is mentally ill. Do you get on with your MIL? Could you talk to her? If her daughter is depressed she may be v worried and wanting to help but not sure whether to interfere and glad of an opening to do so. Can you ask your wife to suggest say three things you could do that would help the situation, and then do them?

Sneaky congrats on your achievements and thanks for sharing them.

By the way, I do know what I am talking about.

For someone who is ignoring me, you are posting to me quite a lot.

Maybe sit down then I might not be able to hear you?

?

The "following round the house" bit jumped out at me. My ex used to do this. An argument would get heated, I would try to walk away, he would follow me,boorishly reiterating his point in my face. It's a horrible feeling to be trapped in a house with someone who won't leave you alone when you need to be left alone.
Maybe your version of communicating is not your wife's. I am sorry that your marriage is un happy, but you are not helping by following her about, and the fact that you have followed her onto MN......!!!
I would say the same to a woman who was up in her husbands grill all the time. Maybe you don't want to save your marriage, maybe you just want her to agree with you, and be right,no after what the cost to your marriage or her sanity.

By the way, I do know what I am talking about.

You really, really don't.

newrule you are now doing the thread equivalent of following someone who disagrees with you around and shouting at them.

depression

I think the fact that the depression wasn't mentioned for ages is illuminating. OP - do you think it's a side issue, and not relevant to the wider problems the two of you are having? Fixed by a pill? Have you made the mental link between feeling she is ignoring you/disconnected/not communicating and her depression?

I'm a little surprised at you working away while your wife is undergoing treatment for depression and not considering the impact it may have. Sure- working away is sometimes unavoidable, I get that. But if you're presenting it as home as you are here - 'I know you're doing extra childcare, but hey, I'm working really hard too, and anyway the money is brilliant' then I can understand her resentment, even if I don't agree with how she's expressing it.

She's picked up your share of the childcare and crucially is on duty 100% of the time you're away, with two under 4s. That's mentally knackering even if you don't have depression.

You both sound utterly miserable; I'm just not sure your solution is workable. You want her to fix it on your terms - to communicate in ways you're comfortable with and 'co-operate' with you.

I like Iggly's suggestion of asking her to name a time she'd like to have a non-confrontational chat. And brush up on the 'I feel' statements beforehand. I don't think you've meant it, but on this thread you've come across as very accusatory towards her which is unlikely to be productive.

And I think individual counselling would be beneficial for both of you. I can see that joint counselling may not work if your goal is to get her to communicate/operate in your way, rather than trying to find a mutually acceptable way through.

I wish you luck. Dealing with depression is very difficult for everyone involved.

I would bet a fiver there is a thread on here about the OP with a title something like "My DH is angry and domineering, how do I cope?". And I bet the advice being given to the OP on that thread is "Disengage from him and start working on your plan to leave".

Really BeCool? You guys are too funny! I dismissed Pagwatch and certainly had and have nothing more to direct towards him/her.

HoldYer, yes I do know what I am talking about. So there! You can repeat this do not know what I am talking about till you are blue in the face. You do not know my experience.

... and let's get back to the issue at hand. The OP's non-communicating wife.

So there? Are you 10?

OP sounds overbearing and hostile to me, and very angry at his wife's perceived lack of cooperation. I may be projecting but it is triggering my spidey senses.

OP, you were wrong to post this on mumsnet. For your own sake, take this elsewhere. It sounds a very tough situation. Good vibes.