To think there are a lot of misconceptions about terminating a pregnancy

[fiveacres]

Obviously, about abortion, which is a contentious issue for some.

I am approaching the third due date of the pregnancy I terminated in the autumn of 2011 at 9 weeks.

I was a very pious sort once, who believed that abortions were morally wrong. i admit that freely. I still do feel that the best option is not to be in that position in the first place.

However, although I do sometimes think about it, I don't regret it. I've been pregnant twice since so it hasn't affected my fertility.

I paid privately. I did not have any counselling - I was undecided when I went for the initial appointment but I have to say it was very much 'assumed' that I wanted to terminate. The record of the abortion is not in my medical file.

You don't have to give a reason, although they did press me to have the implant, which I refused. They did do a scan, which was a bit upsetting.

It did not hurt. I was warned I would bleed a lot but I didn't. My periods came back in 6 weeks.

You are in a room with a LOT of other women after the procedure, which is upsetting.

Other than that, I felt good after having it done, relieved, happy, mainly relieved.

I do have the odd flash of guilt. I wouldn't do it again.

But, I was reading another thread and it crossed my mind a lot of people do not really seem to know what having a termination is like. My experience may be typical or it may not be, I don't know, but it would be interesting to see what the experiences of others are to try to dispel or to address some of the myths that surround this difficult but sometimes necessary issue.

I applaud all the Mnetters who have spoken up on this thread . Someone will be reading this whilst considering their options...
It is right to discuss and share our experiences . No one should feel guilt or shame . No one should feel judged.

Five, where are all these people saying 'you WILL feel guilty'? Quite a few pro-lifers actually do agree with abortion in certain circumstances - FFA, rape, mother's life/health at risk etc.

The idea that pro-lifers are all bible bashing, placard waving people with no concern for the mother seems to be propaganda from 'pro-choicers'. (Who frequently aren't 'pro-choice' in every circumstance)

I had a surgical termination about 5 years ago, at almost 12 weeks.

I feel more guilt over it since having children, as all the 'good' reasons we had to terminate (no money, both living at home) seem to have little bearing on actually raising a child.

Also, post-procedure I wasn't put on a ward with women in similar circumstance,
Most of them were too elderly to have been pregnant, and whispered to eachother about me while I cried.

I had a ToP when I was 17, just before my A-level exams, at 11 weeks. It would probably have been sooner but I had to see my GP, then a family planning clinic doctor and counsellor then be referred out of county for the actual procedure.

At the clinic, I had to be scanned, see another counsellor and another doctor. I didn't see the screen. There were lots of women waiting, including an aquaintance who was in bits. We were called one by one, had to change into a nightshirt and were then taken to the anaesthetic room. I had to wait a couple of hours afterwards in a recovery area, eat something and then was free to go.

I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. From the moment it was over, all I've ever felt was relief. Total and utter relief.

Oh toasty

I was really scared when me and DH were TTC as I couldn't stop thinking about my previous termination. It was almost like I felt guilty for previously snorting a baby but now actively trying for another. When I fell pregnant I felt guilty for being excited. When I had my first scan at 10 weeks all I could think was how much of a 'real baby' it looked liked and I had to force myself to not think about the same age(ish) foetus I had aborted. All I kept thinking was that it was a baby I had killed, not just a 'pregnancy that I had ended'. I really struggled emotionally.

As the pregnancy progressed I started to feel better about things and thankfully by the time DS arrived I had made peace with the guilty feelings I'd had.

Me and DH have agreed to only have one child and it is my worst nightmare that I fall pregnant again because I couldn't have another termination, there's just no way I could put myself through it again.

Hi there,

We've had a couple of requests for this thread to be moved over to our Pregnancy Choices topic.

We're happy for it to remain here in AIBU, but if the general consensus is that it should be moved, we'll do that.

I had a termination for medical reasons. The baby was planned and very much wanted, but we found out he had Downs and some of the severe heart abnormalities that can sometimes go with it. We knew that we weren't strong enough at that point in time to go through with the pregnancy and everything it would have meant for our lives, including the possibility that the baby might not even survive to full term.

I was treated with nothing but kindness and sensitivity by the hospital staff. I had my own room. I was in the second trimester, so I had medical management and went through labour. My pain relief was codeine, which was good enough, although it did make me throw up into the sink! At the very moment it happened, all I felt was profound relief. I was allowed to sleep afterwards, for as long as I needed, before being discharged.

We both grieved for a long time but neither of us have ever regretted that decision. I am still so grateful that we had the choice. We were both open with family and friends over what we chose and why and everyone, bar one minor acquaintance, was supportive.

We don't talk about it much anymore, simply because it doesn't have much impact on our lives. Sometimes I mark the anniversary date and feel a bit sad and wistful; other years it slips past without my noticing. I have a DS who was born the following year and it's as simple for me as realising he wouldn't be here if we'd had made a different choice. How could I regret it?

Had I been older, or more financially stable, or my DP felt more able to cope, then I might have made a different decision, but I am content with knowing we both made the best decision possible for us, based on our circumstances at the time. I wish everyone faced with a wanted/unwanted pregnancy could have the same sense of peace of mind with their choice, because everyone deserves it.

I don't think it should be moved.

It isn't a dirty secret, to be hidden away that just reinforces the idea that it is a Terrible Thing, and Never To Be Spoken About.

But it's an AIBU! It isn't someone wanting to discuss their pregnancy choices.

Agreed.

Thanks OP, we're happy to leave it be then.

I didn't say YANBU op so I'll say it now. YANBU

The big thing I was worried about was that I would have to pretend to be mentally ill, or that I would become mentally ill if I had a baby. I thought there had to be a reason why having a baby would damage me in a serious way - and since there was nothing physical I thought it would have to be mentally.

What actually happened (this is the UK, btw) is I went to the doctor and said "I appear to be pregnant". She said, "are you happy about it?". I said "No." And she immediately changed the conversation to one about abortion options.

My abortion was easy. An easy decision, an easy process and an easy recovery. I had my abortion under GA and if I'm honest my defining memory is the anaesthetist telling me 'in a minute you're going to feel really nice' and me thinking 'gosh I do feel really ni-' and then I woke up.

Not everyone's abortion is easy and I sympathise hugely with women who feel guilt and regret, or have a difficult time with the process. I think it's very important that those women aren't made to feel that their emotions are a sign that they made a 'wrong' choice, necessarily. It is ok to feel bad about something but also know it was the right thing to do.

Yes, I think of it occasionally. It is strange to me to think of this shadow child who doesn't exist, but might've. It doesn't bother me, I just let it exist and pay it respect as a road I didn't travel down, like many other roads in life that I haven't chosen.

Do you use contraception?

five, using contraception isn't the same as ending a pregnancy as you well know.

But think about all the potential lives every month.

I do feel a bit like that boopsy. I think I deserve to feel guilty for what I did. When the anniversary of the termination comes round it makes me feel sad and so it should, so should I feel sad when the EDD anniversary comes round. I was swept up in the termination because my mother thought I should have one and part of me will never forgive myself for not standing up to her. I saw plenty of HCP's in the lead up to the termination so I had plenty of opportunities to speak out, but I didn't. When the anaesthetist was putting the anaesthetic drug into my cannula and told me to count backwards from 10 all I could think was, "This is your last chance to stop this from happening" but I still didn't say anything.

I will leave forever with the guilt and part of me wants to because I failed to protect my baby.

However, I only feel like this because I didn't want the abortion but didn't have the courage to stop it.

I don't think that women who want an abortion and go ahead with it should feel guilty because they are making the right decision for them in their current circumstances.

Sure... I guess men shouldn't masturbate either

Contraception is the same as abortion? What an absolutely ridiculous argument five

boopsy it's fine for you to feel that way but its not your choice to make for other women.
Abortion is not killing a child. It is ending a pregnancy.

Yes, it would be if I'd said that, wouldn't it?

However, I don't think it is.

They both prevent a birth, don't they? There are different emotional feelings towards them but in essence they are both preventative methods.

If you say 'I would never have an abortion because of the potential lives lost - the grandchildren and the great grandchildren' - then every month, a potential life is lost isn't it?

Doesn't mean we shouldn't prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Contraception prevents contraception. It's stops a life being created.

A termination ends a life that has already been created.

They aren't alike at all.

Umm... No. Because when you're talking about interfering with fertilisation (contraception) you're not 'terminating' anything. Surely that's really obvious.

She's talking about 'potential life' of the foetus not the theoretical potential of life from every egg/sperm.

Boopsy said;

"I do think it's messing with the grand scheme of things."

As is using contraception.