To think there are a lot of misconceptions about terminating a pregnancy

[fiveacres]

Obviously, about abortion, which is a contentious issue for some.

I am approaching the third due date of the pregnancy I terminated in the autumn of 2011 at 9 weeks.

I was a very pious sort once, who believed that abortions were morally wrong. i admit that freely. I still do feel that the best option is not to be in that position in the first place.

However, although I do sometimes think about it, I don't regret it. I've been pregnant twice since so it hasn't affected my fertility.

I paid privately. I did not have any counselling - I was undecided when I went for the initial appointment but I have to say it was very much 'assumed' that I wanted to terminate. The record of the abortion is not in my medical file.

You don't have to give a reason, although they did press me to have the implant, which I refused. They did do a scan, which was a bit upsetting.

It did not hurt. I was warned I would bleed a lot but I didn't. My periods came back in 6 weeks.

You are in a room with a LOT of other women after the procedure, which is upsetting.

Other than that, I felt good after having it done, relieved, happy, mainly relieved.

I do have the odd flash of guilt. I wouldn't do it again.

But, I was reading another thread and it crossed my mind a lot of people do not really seem to know what having a termination is like. My experience may be typical or it may not be, I don't know, but it would be interesting to see what the experiences of others are to try to dispel or to address some of the myths that surround this difficult but sometimes necessary issue.

So what do you think 'the misconception, the lie' is, claw?

I discovered that I was pregnant a month after I turned 17. DP and I talked about it, made all sorts of plans, like getting a house and a car (even though neither of us could drive). When we told my parents, my Mum asked me to go for a walk with her. We walked for ages, then sat on some steps in town and talked some more. DP arrived, as unknown to me my Mum had text him and asked him to meet me. Mum left, and when we started really,talking, we discovered that we had both been thinking about termination, bit were both worried about mentioning it. So, after sitting up talking until the sun came up, we agreed that it was the best choice for us.

So, I travelled to the UK. London, to be precise. My Mum brought me for dinner and a stiff vodka, we went back to our hotel, then the next morning, I had apricot jam on toast. Visited Topshop on Oxford Circus. I was terrified, so wandered mindlessly around tbe shop. Then had an abortion. The nurses were wonderful and kind, I was treated with such kindness and dignity throughout the procedure. Actually I was treated with amazing kindness before, during, and after.

Of course, it was a frightening, unsettling few days. However, I was,treated with care, kindness, and affection. As difficult a decision as it was, I have never regretted it.

Clecu, as to why I didn't have my baby and give it up for adoption? I didn't want to.

I have never had to have an abortion through sheer luck - my "accident" happened to happen at an age and time in my life where I felt able to continue with my pregnancy. I am no longer with dad's father, but I am glad I continued with the pregnancy, despite it being a rocky road. Many of my very close friends happens end to have their contraceptive failures and at age and time where bringing a child into the mix would not have been possible - and they have all now gone in to have happy marriages and/or families of their own.

I have never had to have an abortion through sheer luck - my "accident" happened to happen at an age and time in my life where I felt able to continue with my pregnancy. I am no longer with dad's father, but I am glad I continued with the pregnancy, despite it being a rocky road. Many of my very close friends happens end to have their contraceptive failures and at age and time where bringing a child into the mix would not have been possible - and they have all now gone in to have happy marriages and/or families of their own. , so my point is that I am so glad we live in a society where an accidental pregnancy does not have the potential to ruin lives (usually the mother's)

Oh God, apologies, I mean Confused not Shrunken.

Great post guilty women facing a crisis need support not judgement, whether that's support during an abortion or continuing with the pregnancy.

cluecu - well, you could substitute joy with any positive emotion really. It's only thanks to women like Moran that I now know women can have positive feelings about a termination, it's not spoken of enough.

And as someone who had a much wanted but difficult pregnancy - repeated fainting in public, vomiting for three months, weeks of bed rest, coming out in a horrendous head to toe itchy rash in the last few weeks, and then haemorrhaging after the birth, I would never blame anyone who didn't want to go through with a pregnancy just to give the baby away. I know that was only my personal experience, but many women go through a lot worse, we all know some even die. If someone chooses to go the adoption route, fine, but it shouldn't be looked upon as the morally superior choice.

I felt very positive and empowered after mine. It was absolutely the right decision.

the care i received was fantastic. the only weird bit was how high security was at the clinic due to anti-abortion nut threats - that's the only time i felt weirded out by the whole thing

I have two friends that terminated. One who found it emotionally very difficult, fell into depression which ended her relationship at the time. She has moved last it for the most part, but I know she will always feel guilt especially when she starts a family.

My other friend had a really tough time physically, rather than emotionally. Her dp abd his family really supported her, but she had a lot of bleeding and her cycle went totally irregular abd unpredictable for months. She found that much harder. She doesn't feel guilty and infact has seemed to enjoy being able to compare our times being pregnant now I'm expecting.

The only thing I would change for them is taking away my first friends guilt. Though termination isn't for me, their choices aren't for me either and I could never judge a women for doing it. It's not an easy choice and I respect anyone who makes that decision.

The thing about complications is that you can have them with miscarriages too, but for some reason that is discussed less often .

I am totally pro choice. I think that the gender thing is difficult though, it can't be banned but how do you know for certain it is the woman's choice? Isn't it possiby a highly patriarchal society pressurising her, that is wrong to me.

I've had two and they were a lot less serious than I anticipated, like a heavy period for a night. The staff were lovely and non-judgemental.. The service was efficient and quick.
The only thing that surprised me was how busy the waiting room was, many of us had to stand along corridors.. Oh and the couple stood outside with placards, this was 2010!

I love that we live in a country of choice.

love I was the same. I phoned the clinic there and then. That sinking, cold feeling in my chest... Urgh God, I felt so so awful.

I feel not one ounce of guilt, honestly if I hadn't have had the abortion then my life would be unrecognisable now. I had PND and even before I knew I was pg again; I could feel those old feelings of depression curling around my soul again, tugging me down. And that was before I even knew.

I know now that I cannot become pregnant again because of this illness. I wonder if I'm 'allergic' to pregnancy in some way. I don't know.

I'm happy with the DC I have, and I am forever grateful I live in this country.

I agree with this thread being in AIBU for the same reasons as roid. I like the idea of normalizing abortion instead of letting the secrecy around it create this idea of it as a really BIG DRAMATIC TERRIBLE THING.

Finally, this. My experience was so not that. It was just very normal, very average. I chatted with a few women after whilst having a sandwich and we just all expressed this relief of being given permission to get back on with our lives after having them on pause for weeks.

This is a bit of a different angle but it's something I never really think about/talk about.

I'm 100% pro choice btw.

I got pregnant young and in far from ideal circumstances. Boyfriend was a nice enough fling but not a potential long term dp. I was in education. No money. Living in shared student accommodation.

It was expected I'd have an abortion. The GPs even refused to refer me for antenatal care because they wouldn't believe that I didn't want an abortion. I was never religious so that wasn't a factor.

I'd had a lot of trauma in the couple of years before and I suppose looking back I saw having a baby as something that would fill the huge hole in my life. (Such a bad reason, I know)

So I had the baby. On my own. (The boyfriend fled) My parents were horrified. Said I was shameful. Said I'd ruined my life. They were embarrassed by me.

seems we women are shamed no matter what choices we make

Now I'm middle aged. I'm reflecting. Soon my dcs may face a similar choice. Tbh I find it really difficult to imagine life if I'd made a different decision. I don't think my 20s were ever going to be fun filled and carefree with lots of travelling. My friends who waited until they were in their 30s and married before having dcs do live in nicer bigger houses, drive newer cars, go on fancier holidays than me/us but there are so many other variables in how things turn out.

I don't know. Maybe everyone just tries to justify the choices we make. If I had taken the abortion pill I'd have probably just got pregnant again soon after. I think that's a big difference from most of the posters on this thread.

I have a friend who's had 5 abortions. That was the right thing for her to do for her and her dcs.

I've also had 2 miscarriages, at 5 & 9 weeks, both 'dealt with' myself at home. So I've seen and felt what the 'contents of the uterus' are like at those stages. It certainly wasn't anything I'd describe as resembling human life. I think people moralising about that stage (when most UK abortions take place) are pretty ignorant of the realities of it.

Lovereading thank you for your post.

Can I just say though - it was me who mentioned the scan and it wasn't a myth, it was something that happened to me during my abortion. The screen wasn't turned away.

I feel the same OP.

I am 100% cast iron pro choice.

A mate of mine had an abortion a few months ago. She's 48. Her youngest child is 17. Her DH wants to retire because he's burnt out.

I took her. She was relieved afterwards, nothing more.

Thing is, you never know how you'll cope emotionally after a termination. I had one almost 30 years ago & I still regret it. If I had daughters I'd never want them to have a termination ( unless there was something seriously wrong with the baby ) I just feel that the guilt is too overwhelming for some women & an awful thing to carry around with you for life. I am pro-choice because of course some women terminate & never look back, it really is down to personality type in how you deal with it. & no, I'm not saying if a termination doesn't affect you you're cold & heartless, but some women can handle the emotional fallout a lot better than others, but that's something you won't know until it's done. The physical impact was minimal for me.

But Like, every single point you make above can also be applied to pregnancy, birth and parenting.

Not everyone copes emotionally, physically or financially with raising children, giving birth or pregnancy.

I've terminated two pregnancies, both after having children whilst married. Both contraception failures. Neither were traumatic and I don't feel guilty. I made the decision not to have a baby those times when I was taking contraception. That failed, a termination was the next step. Not pleasant but not the haunting trauma you hear about so often.

The time in the ward with other women was comforting, a sort of atmosphere of unspoken solidarity

Not really five. Eg Like is talking about guilt of terminating - you don't get that with pregnancy and birth.

Why are you reluctant to accept that some people don't agree with you and that actually some people do have bad experiences and regret abortions? People tend not to talk about them because they themselves feel guilty and don't want others to judge them (even though other people might not judge then at all).

fiveacres; yes of course that's true - I know at least 2 friends on anti-depressants through the sheer exhaustion & stress of parenting.

For me, with a termination it's the guilt that's always there in the back of your mind. That never knowing how you would have coped. ( rose tinted glasses & all that )
But well done for putting this in AIBU, why shouldn't this subject be talked about on the most popular board.

I've had 2 abortions. The first one was difficult and I struggled with it for a long time although I never felt that I'd made the wrong decision. I think I felt guilty because, as soon as I did the test, the first thing I did was get the Yellow Pages and look up abortion clinics. I didn't agonise about it like I thought everyone did. In hindsight, I think I felt that I had to suffer afterwards to reach a point where I could forgive myself for being so callous. About 2 weeks later I went to meet DP's (now DH) family. His Dsis had just had a baby and I had to go shopping with my now MIL for newborn baby clothes. That was really hard.
The second one was 3 years ago - I was a week away from my 44th birthday and was only having sex about once a month and had'nt had a period for 15 months. I forgot to put in my repeat pill prescription. I can honestly say that this time, it felt no different to having a tooth out. In my experience of talking to other women, for some it is a very difficult painful decision with a lot of conflicting feelings. For others, it really isn't.
I do think there's a kind of undertone sometimes that you're 'allowed' to have an abortion if you agonise sufficiently about your decision and feel guilty afterwards.

I think you can be both pro choice and still not agree with the reasons as to why someone might have an abortion. I wouldn't agree that that aborting a baby because of its gender is the right thing to do and it isn't something I would do. But, I will defend that woman's right to do so. Because the wider impact of losing that right would be catastrophic.

I've never had an abortion but I am 100% pro choice and I support all the women sharing their abortion stories here.

Bumbley

What I don't accept is that every abortion comes with a side helping of that guilt. I think 'you WILL feel guilty' is propaganda from pro life parties.

That is not the same as 'no one who has an abortion will feel guilty about it.'

That's fairly clear, isn't it?