To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

[stepmothersknockers]

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

It's not just the random sex (I know lots of people think they are terribly cool parents because they'd be fine with their adult DCs boyfriend/girlfriend staying over, but most balk at the idea of one night stands being brought home), but the other stuff.

Like pretty much every London flatsharer at some point had to deal with a mouse and/or rat infestation, not defaulting to parents to sort it.

I really don't understand why so many of you are writing with pride about living in mouldy hovels when you were young. If expecting to live somewhere that doesn't endanger my health is entitled then I guess I'm entitled

Oh come come now. Grotty generally means scruffy and with mismatched furniture and a non-designer kitchen with a horrible patterned hallway carpet and scuff marks on the walls etc not many people repeate the mistake of renting a damp room/flat. I made that mistake in last year of uni and would try to avoid damp basement rooms again.

I never lived in mouldy hovels. Well, not far off, but still. Where is your sense of adventure? Either you grew up that way anyway and you're used to it, or you're not and it gives you both an appreciation of how a lot of people live and a sense of pleasure in achieving better for yourself later on.
Living in Mummy and Daddys acheivement and never having to slum it a bit doesn't teach you anything. And it sets you up to be miserable later on too.

HootOnTheBeach, it wasn't so far removed from the very run down council house I grew up in. Free school meals and no heating with massive deprivation caused by the pit closure. Lots of people don't want to return home to sharing a bedroom with younger siblings. Or are you assuming that all homes are a nice middle class existence where kids have their own bedrooms to return?
I went to university over 20yrs ago and even then I was amazed at how many people arrived in halls unable to cook or clean or do their own basic housekeeping. Who are these parents who send their children off like that at 18 unable to live independently? IMO, it's quite neglectful. Helping a little with something specific is one thing but saying 'oh they're still my child so I'll pay their phone bill and do their ironing' just seems to me to be ridiculous.

I've rented in lots of places and never stayed in a mouldy hovel!

Although I have shared a bedroom with a stranger (that was uni), never had an ensuite and lived in lots of places that were a bit grotty with bad furniture. And dealt with mice invasion too!

OP - are your friends' kids living at home and refusing to live in flatshares? If so, that's odd. If there's a problem with affording rent, then I can see the argument for giving them a deposit to buy but then would you be asked to guarantee the mortgage? I think it's good to rent for a while, learn about caring for a home before you choose what type you want to buy - e.g. modern, period, gas or electric heating, blah blah.

I think that's a bit odd, too Thehumanjam

I have 18 (end of 1st yr of University), 16, and 13 yr olds.
Neither the eldest or youngest have a clue what they want to do - cartainly not where they want to do it. The middle one knows what she wants to do - and it certainly doesn't involve living at home!

I recently met up with folk I was at school with back in the dark ages. Of the 23 we managed to track down, only 2 of us live in out home City - and it's a big City, so you can't blame lack of jobs. I just think it's more usual to settle either where you go to University, to travel for a while, or to head either for London, or to wherever the best jobs are offered. I think it's pretty unusual to come home after University.

People keep complaining about baby boomers, but when we were that age we never expected to be home owners and have everything just so. We shared rented houses and flats for some years. When we did get on the housing ladder we had all our parents cast offs and second hand cookers and went to the laundrette etc.
it appears to be a different world, but I think it dreadfully boring to go home and save to get in the housing ladder when it should be a time to live and experiment.
When my son went to London after graduating he commuted for a while from a relatives but he was either on the train, working or sleeping. Now he shares a flat- it costs a lot- but he walks to work and has time to socialise after work.

My husband bought his mums ex council flat from her when he was aged 18 and she upsized to a house (to be fair she sold it to him cheaply) and has had a mortgage ever since. So I was lucky as he had that flat already when I met him.

However we had a few months where we moved in with my parents in between selling the flat and buying our house. That was really useful in order to avoid any chain problems, but it was clearly known by all to be temporary, and did involve the two of us with all our furniture, living in my childhood bedroom - cosy.

I think my husband would be pretty reluctant to have our kids back once they are adult, but I think possibly a brief period post uni while they are sorting themselves out with a job etc is fair enough. Definitely wouldn't be impressed with any long term thing though.

My brother moved back in with my parents for a year aged 33 when his marriage broke up. I think my dad was pretty unimpressed and they were all very relieved when he got his own flat.

Although in the past it was the norm for different generations to live together, I think it's quite hard work on both sides for adult children to live at home and can lead to resentment and arguments.

I think if you have the money, it is preferable to help them out with an interest free loan, or give them money towards a deposit etc than actually have them back living with you.

I really don't understand why so many of you are writing with pride about living in mouldy hovels when you were young. If expecting to live somewhere that doesn't endanger my health is entitled then I guess I'm entitled.

You don't understand it, because you've never done it.

As I say, I had a cosseted childhood, so those 20s experiences were a necessity. And I appreciate how far I've come, a great deal. Plus, hard as it to believe if you've never experienced it, it is a lot of fun!

My parents said I had 1 week after graduation to find my own flat. Tough love, but it taught me a lot about independence and budgets. 30+ yrs later. Possible. Not easy. But I wouldn't do it any other way.

I think that's mean of your parents penne. I'm not sure what the rush is and I say that as somebody who left home at 18.

What about the non graduates? When are they chucked out of the family home at 18 or 21?

I can't imagine being given a week to find a flat or doing it to my children! They had as long as it took to find a first job- over a year in one case. That is why I can't see how you can expect them back, because they have to go to where the work is. It took over a year when he was prepared to move anywhere.

I have one at uni and one at 6th form.

More than 30 years ago now, my mother and step father said, when I finished college "we are very with our life as a couple and would prefer it if you didn't come back here to live".

I had no choice but to make my own way, get a job, get a flat share, save up for a deposit for my first flat which was exponentially important to me because having been told that I felt desperate for my own home and basic security. Thankfully my father helped with the deposit so I did it earlier than otherwise.

Since then I have always held down a good job, been independent and also because I chose wisely very happily married.

Never, ever will my children be made to feel they can't come home if they need to. My DH, their father, feels the same. I think it's wonderful they have two parents who love them and each other. The security their upbringing has given them has made them the capable, confident and secure young people they are. Children need to be empowered to succeed. In my opinion being loved and wanted goes a long way towards a empowering a child and helping them turn into a well rounded independent adult.

I think creating an environment where your children know they can come home to find their feet for a while (which my dad has always done) and telling them at 14 that the sensible thing to do would be to come home and save for a deposit on a house are 2 very different things!

I was homeless after I graduated. I lived in halls during my last year so had to move out at the end of term. My friends were all coupled up living with boyfriends etc so no one I knew to share with. I had no job lined up and no where to go. My parents refused to help (huge house with plenty of space). They had a friend who had a flat to rent miles away in a 'ghetto' I'd never visited before so said I could move there. It was that or the council putting me in a hostel so I had no choice. It was horrible. Most of my friends, from similar backgrounds had their parents helping them out with postgrads and flat deposits etc so I felt very resentful at my parents' attitude. I've never forgiven them tbh. I want my dcs to be independent but I'd help them out in a situation like that.