To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

[stepmothersknockers]

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

there is no way I could have saved enough for a flat deposit in those few years! I saved as I earned but it paid for each year's holiday, Christmas and then my deposit for renting a flat. Did you mean for renting or did you really mean for purchase?

Isnt it obvious that if you want to SAVE you cannot SPEND?
Getting your own flat might have been necessary, but holidays and Christmas gifts are optional.

I'm not resentful. I am proud that I managed to pay myself through university and those years afterwards. There must be a new wave of adults in their mid twenties who have no financial sense at all because their parents have paid for everything before then. I don't think this is particularly helpful.

None of my peers left university desperate to get on the housing ladder, we all lived in house shares and went to gigs, nights out and generally did what people in their early 20s usually do, enjoy ourselves. There was some saving but that seriously happened a few years after. There is no way I would have had sure a good experience living with my parents.

I'm now in my early 30s, married, a child and a mortgage on a very nice house. There is no hurry to have the material things, life is to be enjoyed too.

My DS graduated last year and is working in London on £22k. He house shares with 4 others (university friends). It's tight financially but he's having a ball.

His take-home pay is £1,500. £750 goes on rent and utilities. £120 goes on travel. £50 goes on his poxy phone. So he's got £128 a week to "live on". Doable but hard to save for holidays, smartish work clothes, gym membership etc.

I think downsizing, and redistributing that value of your house now instead of when you die, is an excellent plan.

^Yes, giving away all your money just before you reach old age is a fantastic idea.

Being old is really cheap and there is no way you are going to need that money for anything hmm^

Just owning a house isnt a magical solution to money issues in old age. Eventually, you have to sell it to access the cash, and it is worth considering doing so sooner, rather than later. Doing so in middle age, before your abilities and health begin declining may help preserve your ability to care for yourself and lower your living expenses. If you wish, your children can have some of their inheritance when it will do them more good, and your smaller, place still has decades to increase in value to be sold for your needs, or end up in your estate to benefit them. Either way, if you already see your house as an asset, and plan to get the cash out for YOUR benefit then you and I are actually on the same team.

My point was some parents should consider that leaving the house to their children is not the best way to assist their children, if assisting their children is a goal. To carry on living alone sometimes in quite a pitiful state as their cash income is eaten up by the house, and their children have moved away for jobs and to afford housing s not the best plan if accessing the cash can put them in a more manageable property, either nearer their children, or allowing their children to stay nearer to home. They struggle to leave their children this valuable asset, but it's value diminishes through neglect, their childrens concern for the house or its contents are diminished by distance, and the benefit of inheritance in late middle age is not as great as half the amount decades earlier invested into their own home would have been.

I didn't go to uni. I went to college (lived at home, worked part time in a restaurant and contributed to the housekeeping), then went off for a year travelling. Came back, got offered a decent full time job. Mum helped me with deposit for my first rental flat. Dad gave me the deposit for my purchased apartment from the small estate left to him from his mother. My parents are totally working class, not wealthy. The deposit my mum gave me left her skint for the month. My dad lives within his means but subscribes to the 'getting on the property ladder is very important' club and wanted to help me. So when I read wanky phrases such as 'bank of mum and dad', 'I stood on my own two feet' etc, it winds me up. No, I wouldn't remortgage or upsize to accomodate returning older children, but if my dc need anything financially and it just isnt quite in their reach but it is mine, they'll have it.

"I think downsizing, and redistributing that value of your house now instead of when you die, is an excellent plan."

But you don't know what's around the corner. If my mother had to go into a home, we would need to sell her house in order that she could go somewhere nice.
Why should she risk only having a small flat to sell, just so we can have more money now?

When I graduated in 2004, I lived with my parents for 6 months then got a flat share. This was in London, I was on £18,000 pa and rent was about £500 pm. My gran helped me with the deposit. But there's no way I even considered living with my parents and trying to save to buy directly, wouldn't even have occurred to me and still wouldn't.

Thing is, I think the salary in my job is still approx the same, but rent in the area where I lived then (Hackney) has rocketed. So something doesn't add up there...I do feel sorry for graduates in lower-paying sectors trying to set up a life in London these days.

Yeah but grovel he won't always earn £22k will he? In a year or two he'll earn more and so can start saving the difference then. i agree London house prices are ridiculous and will price many out of the market, but just outside London, or buying a flat with a partner at the age of 30 still seems realistic.

Bore fest. Nothing wrong with living in shared houses for quite a few years after uni. It's sctually, shock, considered normal and desirable.

titchy, I think we are in heated agreement. I was simply responding to the OP's statement that young people can't live independently by giving the example of my DS who is managing to do just that on a relatively low (for London) graduate salary.

A few years living in shared housing as 'yo-pros' spending what they earn on housing, transport and what's left on eating out and drinking and holidays makes for well rounded individuals with a large group of friends.

You only get one chance to be 25 and mame the most of living in the greatest city in the world.

I don't get why so many parents are against flat/house shares for their DCs. It's bizarre and so restrictive.

Surely you want DCs to learn oh I like living in a Victorian/semi/wattle and daub house/flat/boat. I like living in this area because then I'm close to that amenity. I would live in X city but just got an amazing promotion in Y city so I'll hand my tenancy notice in and move on. So much easier when house sharing / renting.

Or do you just want DC to turn into carbon copies of you, living in your area, doing jobs near to you and prioritising your choices without discovering their own?

Newness is scary. rather than encouraging them home, encouraging them to embrace new experiences and opportunities might just be the thing they thank you most for as a parent.

You only get one chance to be 25 and mame the most of living in the greatest city in the world.

Yy absolutely!

The thought of being 25 and living with your parents saving every penny to get on the fucking housing ladder gives me the big sad face.

What a waste of youth.

And what a shower of shites the present government are to try to impose such a shit life on the children of the peasants people who clearly have less merit, because merit = money.

"I think downsizing, and redistributing that value of your house now instead of when you die, is an excellent plan."

^But you don't know what's around the corner. If my mother had to go into a home, we would need to sell her house in order that she could go somewhere nice.
Why should she risk only having a small flat to sell, just so we can have more money now?^

Well, none of us do know, and even you might become disabled in the next 24 hours.

My comment was for people in middle age, who have decades before retirement, and possibly another decade before they reach the phase when, 'in good health' is nearly always followed by 'for their age' and could stay that way anywhere from another week to another 20 years. If your parents are already in that phase, then it's too late to plan ahead in this way. Though still, downsizing and setting the spare cash aside might be a good idea for their own purposes. if things get dire, they wont have to move on top of being ill to access the cash vslue of the house.

I have seen the psychological age of the average undergraduate get younger and younger and their parents get more and more involved in their lives in a way that is - for me - infantilising

That's pretty depressing Whiteshirt :(
it seems to be fashionable these days to argue that the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25 or so.
Imo this is an after the fact justification for the situation we now have where it is common for people to shelter under the parental wing until well into adulthood.

Afaik the brain is plastic and therefor never fully developed anymore than a personality is ever fully formed, we are always in flux and it follows that so too are our brains!

After graduating I lived at home for five years and then bought my first house.

During those five years I managed to save up and have a good social life.

The answers to this are so very dependent on so many things though - living rurally or in a larger town or City. If they are able to get a graduate job. Living in London or elsewhere. Your income (and age - as in, retirement or not). How many dc you have. etc. , etc.,etc.,

I would be prepared to let my dc come home after university for a bit, but not with the expectation that is their life. tbh, in my experience, once young people have lived away from home for 3 or 4 years, not that many want to live back under their parents' roof anyway. If financially able, I'd be prepared to help out with a deposit for somewhere, but there's no way in the world I'd consider buying a bigger house to let grown dc all live with me

When I left Uni I got my exam results and was booked on a flight to Singapore the next day. I didn't have much money and knew I'd be welcome back home if it didn't work out but I got a job and worked my ass off for my 20s over there having the most incredible experiences. There is no rush to buy a house when you are single but there is a rush to enjoy the he'll out of everything the world has to offer before starting a family.

I think lots move back out of choice now that marriage seems to come nearer 30 and they have 10 years to enjoy life, get up the career ladder and then find their 'one'.
It is also the struggle of getting the grad job, the temptation of travelling etc.
When I was at uni most were married within 3 years of graduating.

With DCs friends I've seen that the ones who have to move out (e.g. grad job a long way away) do. For most it is the choice. But yes the housing prices do not help or give much hope of doing any real saving.

YABU. Stop babying them and let them get on with their own lives.
I moved out of home at 17 and never asked anyone for any help. What is wrong with your 20 somethings if they can't look after themselves?

Agree with the poster who said it depends on their job prospect. If they are decently paid then they should be able to rent in a flat share straight away and then buy a house in their late 20s and early 30s. I work with many graduates and young people and this is what I see. Obviously the new graduates might not be able to afford the houses the young 30s are buying now as they are 10 years later. But house prices might be static in the next 10 years. Who knows.

My 2 are returning home after Uni. Their plan is to save hard for a deposit -1 is already saving with her partner - until they can get a home of their own. Both of them have worked part-time throughout Uni, and they will work when they finish

I must admit this isn't something Id envisaged entirely, but Im realistic about UK life. In no way do I want my DDs to have to move into private rented accommodation paying ridiculously high rent (what chance of saving?!) where landlord can kick them out anytime he likes so theyd better not even call the place home.

I don't care if they remain with me for an extra 5 years whilst they save for a mortgage. They are my children and if there is any way I can help them then I will. Its a no-brainer for me, and OH is in agreement

I also don't understand the obsession with getting on the property ladder. When I graduated, I stayed in my university town for 2 years, working & living in shared houses. I then did another course at another uni. After that, I did return to live at home for a couple of years whilst looking for a job. Dp & I then rented a flat together.

I didn't buy a house until I was 32. Tbh, even then I wasn't fussed about buying, but dp was keen to.

I can only speak personally about my own experience, which may not be true for everyone else. I have seen, first hand, the very corrosive effects of not allowing a child (my sister) to grow up and stand on their own two feet. She has lived at home her whole life, apart from one year out, and has been gradually robbed of all confidence, self-reliance, resilience and ability to live independently. She is now 35 and still lives with my parents, despite having an absolutely lovely partner (who also lives with his parents) for almost 15 years. I honestly do not think she will ever move out.

It is horrible to see someone that you care about struggle, but it is also part of growing up and making your own decisions. I would plead with anyone in this dilemma to distinguish between struggling (which is normal, healthy, necessary) and suffering (which is the time to intervene). I think there are loads of lovely, lovely parents out there who are virtually suffocating their own children with love, and I am not sure it best equips those children for life and the losses it entails, which can be pretty horrible at times.

My brother came back from uni and moved back home with my parents- he's single and enjoys their company. He does his own thing, is very independent but he says why should he go home to an empty house when he could go home and have a chat with Mum and Dad.

He does his 'bit' around the house, he does most of the household washing, ironing etc. so I don't see a problem with it.