To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

[stepmothersknockers]

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

Most people here return to their home town. It is seen as a bit loserish to live in your parents house though in your 20s. People get their own places.

I don't know how you can possibly discuss it with a 14 yr old when neither if you have any idea what they will be doing in 7/8 yrs time.
People make it sound as if you can go to university and walk back into a suitable job in your home town if you want one. I wish.............
They will have to go to where the work is. i dare say that it has more chance of working out if you live in a big city.

Maybe if the child is only 14 yrs they can't imagine they are close to the time where the child plans it and not the parent.

My parents were borderline abusive, I never went home. I have always rented and never had the money to save up and buy and don't think I ever will.

However my brother who was the favoured child stayed home after Uni, saved up a deposit and has even been back a few times to save up more for a bigger place. His housing costs are comparatively much lower than mine.

I will let my kids come back to save for a deposit. It's too late for me, not for them.

Thehumanjam- do you live in London/London commuter town? Even then, PIL found the now DH got a job offer up north and took it, then overseas then didn't want to live with his parents.

BIL did go back home, stayed for 4 years until he moved in with the now SIL in the flat she'd bought. He does nothing round the house, she's genuinely shocked my DH can cook and iron his own shirts and will empty the dishwasher/wipe down the kitchen surfaces without needing to be asked.

I pointed out hadn't been patented differently, just that DH had lived alone, if he wanted to eat, he had to learn to cook, if he didn't want to live in squaller, he had to clean, if he had to wear an ironed shirt to work everyday, he had to work out how to do it.

I will be encouraging my DS to live away from home, not with a girlfriend to look after him for a bit before settling down.

It's not impossible....it all depends on what people want to spend their money on these days (which in a lot of cases means people aren't willing to make compromises....everyone wants it ALL these days) me and all of my friends from school and uni had managed to buy our own homes by the time we were 28. 2 of them were in London!! No...not impossible if it's your priority!!!!

Your thread title confused me because it differs from the content of your OP - so I can't really answer the U or NU question because I'm not sure what you're being unreasonable about!

I would say that by the time I finished my degree, I would have done almost anything rather than stay at home. I lived at home during my degree, apart from the 1 year when I was doing in industrial placement - and that break from home was enough to ensure that I was absolutely not going to continue living at home once I had any sort of job. Consequently I made sure I only applied for jobs far enough away from home that I would have to live elsewhere.

Of course I couldn't afford rented accommodation or a house/mortgage - I lodged in a room in someone's house. Why is that not a considered option in your OP? It's not the same as living at home because you have to pull your own weight in doing chores, cooking, laundry etc.; plus the landlord/lady is unlikely to be insisting you tell them whenever you're going to be late back/out for dinner/etc. etc.

Lodgings aren't anything like as expensive as whole accommodation rental, even now - so it's a good way to get out of the parental home and learn to live independently, if you haven't already been taught that at home.

I never moved back to my parents' home town, but I did move back to somewhere only 15 minutes away - close enough for easy access but not so close as to be suffocating.

I don't expect my children to live with us after they have left university and got a job, because I'll expect them to take a job wherever it is, mobility being one of the things that the youth have going for them. If they need a home because something has gone wrong of course we will always be there for them, and we'll give the whatever leg up we can too.

Oh and we rented our house out in London (we emigrated) and had four house sharing lads there for a year or so (their choice to move on) they paid 1200 between them, in zone 4 (half an hour out of central London) for a perfectly decent home, certainly a lot nicer than the flat dh and I rented way back when we were poor!

Went to uni at 18, when I graduated my husband and I moved back in with my parents for 9 months while we saved a deposit and bought a house.

I'm in the north though where you can get a house for 60 grand and get on the ladder.

I graduated in 1998. The last thing I wanted to do was move back to my hometown and live with my folks to be honest! but I needed a job and somewhere to live. So I went home and my folks let me live rent free whilst I tempted to earn money and looked for work in my degree 'area' (ish!).

My dad worked for a car manufacturer and through an employee scheme was able to 'rent' me a small car. They said they would pay this car rent for me until I got a salaried job.

I was there for 6 months until I got a job (for £13k) about a 2 hour drive away. I took the job, moved into a house share with a friend who also lived there and took over the car rent.

I guess the big difference with how things are today is that I had no mobile phone, no pc or tablet of course. We rented a tv and video from Radio rentals! I can't imagine a graduate today not having and paying for those things.

Anyway several jobs later I moved to London into a houseshare of 4 'randoms' (Ie I answered an ad online). It was fantastic! Those people are still some of my best friends.

I bought a flat at 30. On my own but my parents helped me with a deposit.

But I really feel that the time I spent in flat shares and the trials and tribulations (and fun!) I had really shaped me as a person. I'd like that for my kids.

I do think if you can financially help your kids then its nice to do so. But I also think it's a bit sad to expect them to live with you to provide that help. How are they meant to have sex and have fun with partners when they are under their parents roof?!

Thehumanjam- how does a 14 year old know where he will live in 7-8 years time. How do you even know his job will be near to wear you live (or do you expect him to move home then find a job near you?).

And why are so many people convinced life is soooo much harder than it was 20/30/40 years ago? It's bullshit, its just that when you raise a generation of pampered babies it seems harder.

Yup!

My mum had a professional job and had to share a bed room with her friend in a lodging house, with some shared minimal cooking facilities and a toilet and a bath on the landing. You wouldn't catch any grads doing that now! Then she upgraded to a set up where one bedroom was off the other bedroom. Still can't see anyone being happy with that now.

Why should'nt grads be able to get social housing?

Are you being serious??? Because they should put their education to good use and get a job and sort their own housing out! Typical grads in london start on salaries higher than the UK average, are highly mobile and have no dependants. They are not, in my mind, a group of people who need council housing.

I think you should get your thread title edited. It sounds as though you are upset because you want them to come home to you but they don't want to.

My DD1 is just finishing the second year of a four year degree course and I have no idea what will happen afterwards. All will depend on where she gets work.

We aren't wealthy, but will offer any support we reasonably can, but will bear in mind that.we still have two younger DDs.

If DD1 gets a job near to where we live (South East, in London ir Cambridge commuter area) and needs to move back in here to save then I will be happy for her to do that provided she actually uses the opportunity to save for deposits etc.

Same for the younger two when the time comes.

All your thoughts have been very helpful and given me a lot of food for thought.

I also spent my post-graduate years in some worrisome house-shares (even squatted at one point!) but I would have rather have died than gone back to my parents - I was in the need for city life. Hopefully our children will feel the same...

NerrSerr, we are only talking in general at the moment not specifics as anything could happen.

I wouldn't expect ds to return home if he didn't want to or found a job in another area, I've just pointed out that it would probably work out easier for him in the long run if he did.

My children can come home if they are in serious trouble, ill or whatever. Otherwise, they can use the skills I've been trying to teach them all their lives and get on with their own lives.
I'd be morto if they all thought coming home to live with mammy was a serious option as adults, and I'd be wondering where I went so wrong in raising them!

I'm early twenties, lots of friends graduated in the last few years or those who did PHDs/Masters are graduating this year. Very few of them have moved back home. Everyone I know has gone into houseshares, and this is the SE and expensive areas like Cambs, Oxford, Outer London. You get a job, you find somewhere to rent that's affordable, you live there. If adults on benefits (me), or on minimum wage jobs (me before DCs) can afford to live independently then so can graduates. Where they hit issue is if they aren't prepared to find any job after graduating and see it as a temp means to an end in order to support themselves. The ones that have to go back home IME tend to be the ones who refuse to work in Sainsburys/the local pub/Poundland because they see it as beneath their degree. You need to build your cv these days. A degree is not always enough, but a year as a team leader in a chain restaurant shows additional skills that might just propel you into your chosen career. Sitting at home applying for middle management professional jobs and getting knock back after knock back and skinter by the day is not going to help you gain an advantage over everyone else.

I know in some areas there are v v few jobs, and I know it's not always as simple as that but harsh as it sounds that's the advise circulating amongst all the newly graduated friends currently and it makes sense. I left home at 18 and managed to rent a flat in a very expensive West Country city, I had to slum it a bit but that's what you do when you first leave home isn't it? I couldn't have stayed at home though, no room with younger siblings growing up and getting too big to share a bedroom.

Well said Winter. Totally agree with you. Problem is that not all parents give their kids the skills they need.

OP - there's a happy medium if you are able to financially - offer the first month's rent and rental deposit, encourage them to save and not expect their standard of living to increase when they have a pay rise, but to save it in those early years when they don't have responsiblities, encourage grabbing a chance to work overseas (obviously will be harder to do if we leave the EU!) while they are young enough that it's just them they are uprooting, not having to rent out a house they've bought and find schools for DCs in a new country etc.

Teaching them they can do anything and go anywhere.

And most importantly, those with boys teach them how to iron a shirt for work every day!

Totally agree, Winter.

And yes, Shadows - slumming is just what you pretty much inevitably have to do for a while!

I didn't go to uni but I did move away at 18. I lived in a grotty flat share in North London from 1991 for a few years and I think if I remember correctly it was around £50 per week.

When I outgrew sharing I moved into a bedsit in a posh part of Kensington for £100 per week.

I chose to live like this because I wanted to and I didn't want to be saddled with a mortgage. But I knew that one day I would buy a property there was no "if" about it. When I decided I wanted to buy a property I walked into a bank got a mortgage and put an offer in on a flat. It was that easy back then.

My children can do what the hell they want to, I know I did! I've just advised them that I think it will be easier to move back home if they want to get on the property ladder.

I saw a flat share advertised in our area the other day and it was £700 per month plus bills. I think that if a graduate is paying that plus paying for a travel pass they are going to find it hard to save for a deposit.

I just want my children to have the same opportunities that I had, I don't want them to have a harder life. They can take my advice or they can ignore it and live with a nomadic tribe if they wish!

I graduated in 2008 and lived with my parents for two years until I moved in with my now-DH. For the first year I commuted to London - it worked out cheaper that way as they live in the commuter belt - and spend most evenings in the city with friends. I spent the second year doing an MSc at a local uni.

My parents aren't very 'parenty' so it was more like sharing a flat, really. I couldn't do it now, but at 21 I didn't mind, and if I hadn't been living there I would never have met DH I'm 27 now, own a house, and am expecting my first child, so I don't think a year or so in my early 20s spent in my childhood bedroom has held me back too much!

I think there's middle ground between 35 year olds living at home and getting their washing done for them, and turfing the kids out on their ear at 18. Different setups work for different families.

Yeah I had a degree but took any job and worked my way up. I temped doing data entry/filing for ages and the first 'proper' job I got after uni certainly wasn't graduate level! But I did it well, and they promoted me a couple of times. That then allowed me to get into the jobs area where a degree was required.

However I wasn't eligible for a grant through uni, but neither did I have to pay fees. Uni education was free then. I had loans to pay off for living expenses, but they weren't large like the loans graduates have these days.

thehumanjam - you got me curious - just looked up flat shares in the area I first houseshared in london - Hither Green, really nice looking flats are sharing with one or two others at more like £500-600 a month. Smaller rooms with more housemates/rooms for less again, that's zone 3, much more realistic for first flatshare.

Maybe I just live in a rip-off area, that wouldn't surprise me!