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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

218 replies

stepmothersknockers · 28/05/2015 09:00

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

OP posts:
Purplepixiedust · 29/05/2015 10:21

I think it is reasonable to think they may return but not to expect it so I would neither up or downsize to suit them. If you buy a bigger house to accommodate them and they don't come back you might feel upset about it and that would be unreasonable. They may get a job in a different part of the country or want to stay in their uni town. They might follow a boyfriend or girlfriend. While you may hope for them to save and buy, they may continue to rent/house share and buying may come later after they get a good job or move in with someone.

Likewise they may be unemployed and have no option but to return home. This would be a problem if you downsized. While you may hope they do well and become self sufficient this cannot be guaranteed within a set timescale.

thehumanjam · 29/05/2015 10:24

I think it also depends on where you live in the first place. Where I grew up once you left you stayed away for good, whereas dh lived in commuter territory and the majority of his friends returned home after uni for a couple of years.

basketofshells · 29/05/2015 10:24

I did the same for the road where I lived (near Clapham Junction) and it also came out at £500-£600 pcm for a similar setup, i.e. a small room in a shared house.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 10:24

Thinking more about it, I think its really quite sad if parents are encouraging adult kids to come home after uni to save money to buy a house. What about fun, freedom, new experiences? I spent ten years living in bedsits and flat shares, moved country several times, took off travelling on a whim, and had a fantastic life. Why on earth would you want your kids to just stay in one place and give everything up to get on the property ladder?
IT sounds unutterably dull to me, a recipe for miserable bored kids. I can't understand the attitude at all.

FeijoaSundae · 29/05/2015 10:32

Hell, yeah ^^

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/05/2015 10:38

I'd be quite happy for either of them to come back home after Uni, say in their twenties. I also hope they'll both go to Uni as I think it can be such a positive all-round experience, and sets you up well for independence and adult life (dd is 16 and ds 13 so a few years off yet)
Back in the day I stayed on in my Uni city and did further training - so a course that gave me some useful structure and support
After DP and I came back from a year in Japan we stayed briefly with my parents whilst looking for a new flat
If living here works for them and us I'd be quite open to it - after Uni though I can see them wanting to make more adventurous choices - or just following their interests and opportunities it taking them elsewhere < sniff Sad >
I'd hope for their sakes that they'd be making a fully independent life for themselves by around 30 at least - but they can still come and visit their old Ma!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 29/05/2015 10:40

What Winter said. Those years after uni and before 'settling' were amazing. Lived in 3 different countries which was fantastic for my career (and language skills!), met lots of new people, developed lifelong friendships. I wouldn't have done any of that if id spent the time living with my parents and saving money.

Iggi999 · 29/05/2015 10:42

Uni life was very sheltered compared to life as a "young graduate", I had to learn a lot more without the safety net of student services, advisors of studies, cheap drink at the union etc

wormshuffled · 29/05/2015 10:45

I was thinking I would charge them a proper rent when they come back, but actually save it for them if our finances still allow. That way they will be saving £6k a year. There's then no temptation for them to spend too much and not save enough and it will get them used to having proper outgoings immediately. Within a year they would have enough for a flat deposit and furniture, or save for a few more years for mortgage deposit.

MrsDeVere · 29/05/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alwaysfrank · 29/05/2015 10:47

I couldn't have been more proud of my dd when she did her application for uni accommodation and went for the cheapest grottiest options. On the one uni visit I did with her we encountered the most awful pampered "princess" who wouldn't even look at the non en-suite options, and dd expressed horror at the thought of being stuck sharing with anyone like her!

I never went back home after uni - my mum (born in the 1920s) was of the "no sex before marriage" opinion, so going back home was never an option for me! On the other hand I never lived in a flat share either - I bought with a friend at 21 which I accept couldn't happen now. It was hard though - salary was £9k to start with and half of my meagre take home pay went on the mortgage. I had all second hand furniture.

I think realistically my children may come back to live for a while but it won't be so that they can live the life of Reilly and spend everything they earn.

Mehitabel6 · 29/05/2015 10:48

I agree, winter . It is very bad for them to live sheltered by parents until they can buy and pay a mortgage. It is not the life I want for mine.
My heart sank with the poster discussing it with a 14yr old and mapping out what they think sensible.
It all seems to lack imagination that things change and they may have different views. Mine came back initially but one had to go 300 miles north to get the job he wanted and another had to go to London. The eldest is still renting but he has worked abroad for 3 years.
I can't imagine anything worse than coming home, moving in with parents, saving, getting on the property ladder, marrying someone else who has never lived independently, and living around the corner from mum and dad who are still thinking they have a say in decision making.
Live your own lives OP and see what turns up when the time comes.

Purplepixiedust · 29/05/2015 10:49

Some people want to stay near their family, others travel far and wide. Neither is for everyone. As a parent I want my son to choose his own path. It is impossible for a parent of a young teenager to predict what their children will choose. What a 14 year old wants and what a 22 year old wants could be very different. I had no idea what I wanted to do at 14, even whether I would leave school at 16 or go to 6th form/uni (which was an option rather than an expectation for me 20 years ago). A 21 year old may fully intend to return to the nest but then meet a girl whose family live 200 miles away...

I know a couple of young people who left school within the last few years and got apprenticeships which were followed by permanent jobs. one left home late teens to rent with friends then boyfriend. The other left home early 20's to rent with girlfriend. Another went to uni and got a job near uni town. They are also renting. They would have been welcome home if that was what they chose but they went were the work was that they had studied to be able to do. All seem happy, responsible people. If/when they get on the housing ladder who knows but they are in charge of their own future.

Many of us (me included) seek/sought independance. This does not always mean travelling the world or going to uni. I left school at 16 and home at 20 to houseshare for a couple of years. Moved back home for a year to save for house deposit when I met my ex. Bought a house, split up, sold it and moved back home again in my late 20's to save again so that I could pay off the credit cards and buy on my own. My parents and later my mum (after dad died) where happy to help as I was when my mum became frail and came to live with us.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 29/05/2015 10:52

My heart sank with the poster discussing it with a 14yr old and mapping out what they think sensible

This

When I was 14 my dad was encouraging me to learn a language, travel the world and broaden my horizons.

Mehitabel6 · 29/05/2015 10:53

Exactly purple but mad to discuss it with a 14 yr old who don't be the same person in 7yrs time.

Mehitabel6 · 29/05/2015 10:53

Won't not don't.

DinosaursRoar · 29/05/2015 10:54

I also think the idea of telling graduates their focus should be home ownership isn't a good one - realistically buying a house before you're ready to have DCs and settle down means that you are stuck in one area - it's limiting at a time in your life when you should be able to grab any opportunity to go anywhere, to save up and say "I'm going to go for a 6 month stint in the Luxembourg/Toronto/Singapore office".

Mehitabel6 · 29/05/2015 10:55

Encourage is fine - but it is up to them to decide.
I didn't decide at 21yrs what I would have decided at 14 yrs.

Mehitabel6 · 29/05/2015 10:57

Home ownership isn't a good option in early 20s. DS1 worked in 4 different places - including abroad.

Jackiebrambles · 29/05/2015 11:00

When I was finishing uni nobody expected to be able to buy a house or flat, it would have been ludicrous!

Partly because of money but also because it ties you down to one area when the jobs market is rough and you need to go where the work is.

Everyone expected to rent. We do seem to have got a bit obsessed by home ownership if young grads in their 20s are worryinh about it.

Muppetme · 29/05/2015 11:13

I do not know any grads that lived on their own. I however know a lot of mid 30s people who still live in flatshares (not found a significant other).
the only people who have bought are the ones who got an additional source of money.

My feeling is young grads are a lot more aware of scarceness of resources, about the fact that they will never have a life that is as secure as their parents and if they have kids, those kids will not grow up in as good conditions as they did.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 29/05/2015 11:25

I agree with Winter too. Shagging in a grotty house share and hearing everyone else shagging loudly seemed like a rite of passage. Like living on cornflakes and baked beans for the last few days of term at uni. Most parents these days would be sending the Ocado van round.

Also, if you let them or encourage them to come home and save then buy you are storing up issues for later IMO. I think a fair few will buy/rent, marry, have kids then get to mid 40s and wonder why they didn't spend their 20s having fun.

FeijoaSundae · 29/05/2015 11:55

I had a very cosseted childhood (I really had no idea of the world), but my Dad was firmly of the opinion that anyone worth their salt leaves home at 18.

I wouldn't change my crazy, adventurous 20s for anything. I still dine out on some of those stories, and all the people I've had the most fun with are just the same.

HootOnTheBeach · 29/05/2015 11:59

I really don't understand why so many of you are writing with pride about living in mouldy hovels when you were young. If expecting to live somewhere that doesn't endanger my health is entitled then I guess I'm entitled.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 29/05/2015 12:02

I really hope my kids don't return home after university. I want them to experience their 20s as I did - disgusting flat-shares, too much alcohol, sexual misadventures, batty roommates, struggling to make rent, etc.

My thoughts of my 20s still make me smile.