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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

218 replies

stepmothersknockers · 28/05/2015 09:00

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

OP posts:
TwoLittleTerrors · 28/05/2015 16:19

shove exactly. I don't understand why it's not acceptable to move into a flat share after uni? Is there anything wrong to buy your own place later? Children need to grow up too.

NKfell · 28/05/2015 16:19

*he's 30 btw.

ElkTheory · 28/05/2015 16:22

At the age of 21 when I completed university, it would have filled me with horror to move back to my parents' home. And that is no reflection on my parents, it was just that at that age I was more than ready to be on my own. (My university was also thousands of miles from where my parents lived.) So I rented a flat with a friend. And continued renting for years though DH and I bought a house in the end. My parents couldn't have afforded to give me any money for a deposit on a house. And even if they could have, I would not have accepted.

Having said that, I can understand adult children returning to their parents' homes for brief periods of time post-uni. I wouldn't want it to drag on for years though. I have a relative who has never lived on her own and is now in her 30s, still living with her mother. In her particular case, I think this arrangement has not been good for her.

Skiptonlass · 28/05/2015 16:38

Whatever happened to sharing a house with others, getting any job you could and scrimping and saving?

I hate to go into a "kids these days" moan but expectations seem to be very high. We scrimped, lived off a couple of quid a day, no luxuries at all and took any job we could and worked up. I had two jobs on top of a forty two hour a week course load. I worked through my PhD with another job teaching students. All of them had mobiles, nice clothes, most had cars and ALL of them expected to get a nice graduate level job when they graduated ...without working great too hard of course, most if them moaned I didn't provide a full set of handout notes (listen to the sodding lecture and make your own, you lazy gets!)
I imagine most of them had a massive shock when they graduated. They didn't seem capable of living in a hovel eating bargain beans and working two jobs to save up..

I don't think it's inevitable that kids return to the nest. My parents would have always had the door open if I'd needed it (illness, life changes etc) but they expected me to manage independently. There's a big difference between returning home because you're sick/been abused/etc and just living off the parental teat because you want to maintain your gadgetry lifestyle while you save up.

God I sound cranky...

PomeralLights · 28/05/2015 16:56

I'm 30. I applied for graduate jobs in my last year of uni. I got one somewhere I wanted to live that was neither my uni town, where parents lived, or somewhere I'd lived before. It was a gamble in some ways but hey, I loved the place and the job prospects were good (not London btw).

My new job said I'd be training in a different city for the first two months and they would provide accommodation. Brilliant. I used those two months to save a rental deposit. End of training, in 'home' city, I lived in a B&B for a week and ate sandwiches for dinner. In that week I found a flat share on gumtree looking for housemate ASAP.

One of those housemates is still my very good friend.

The idea that some parents are encouraging their children to consider where they will live (in terms of the specific room/house) above things like career location, quality of life for someone their age, location of peers etc seems so shortsighted.

Maybe I didn't have the fear because I'd already been through a violent relationship by that stage and thought fuck the worries, I'm not letting the fear that I might not get on with a housemate in a short-term living situation that is easily got out of restrict my chance to seize a happy life.

I still love this city and have a DH, DD and a cute little house here :) it really is worth making the jump when you're young IMHO.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 17:09

I did very similar Pomeral, I just went where the work was! The grad scheme I got on to was in a location id never considered, didn't know anyone etc. Met my now DH on the scheme and together we've moved all over Europe depending on the best career opportunities.

mumto3alexa · 28/05/2015 17:16

I can't see many wanting to move back in at that age

Muppetme · 28/05/2015 17:43

Flat shares are fine when you're 21. When you're 30 and still sharing a kitchen it's exhausting. Which in turns pushed people to spend more time out and spend more.
I'm saving at a decent rate but I made the choice to move to an untrendy part of town, paying half the rent that my colleagues do. Holidays are staying with family so free.
Even then, it will take minimum 5 years for me to save enough to buy something, by which point I will most likely be too old to have kids, so won't need to buy anymore.
Grim.

whois · 28/05/2015 17:57

. In no way do I want my DDs to have to move into private rented accommodation paying ridiculously high rent (what chance of saving?!) where landlord can kick them out anytime he likes so theyd better not even call the place home.

You do realise you can rent a nice flat you know? Or live in a lovely big house with a fun group of friends?

Most landlords don't 'kick people out'. It's a pain finding tenants and incurs costs. Also at 23 post uni it's great to be able to hand in your notice and move hassle free onto a slight different area or even move city or whatever.

Most landlords are not dicks. And it's usually blatantly obvious by the state of the property when you look round which ones are!

Plus, when better to make a few mistakes but in your twenties, finding your feet and living life?

There is much to be said about the year you chose to live in a tiny room in a flat over a fried chicken shop because you wanted to be with your friends in a central area. You can never eat fried chicken but it was amazing to say 'back to mine' and walk home from your fav club.

Or the damp basement room where your clothes went a bit mouldy because you fancied living in a huge period terrace with a garden, and what awesome BBQs you had that summer and amazing dinner parties in the lovely kitchen.

Its a fucking cool time of your life, and there is SO much more out there than getting on the property ladder and pushing out three kids.

It's super cool living a bit of a social whirl, and seeing your friends (and you!) develop from hedonistic grads into fun loving yo-pros and on into seriously career motivate late 20 something's who've actually got a bit more money (which you save towards a deposit, and spend on better holidays) before suddenly finding your friends are actually quite important peoe in your early thirties. And you're mainly all still renting, but nice central flats in couples, and no we're still not going to visit the muppet who's parents insisted they buy a flat in zone 26 and they've been stuck there for the last three years with expensive taxi rides home after every evening out!

But then mid thirties creeps up on you, there's a two year people where everyone gets married, then moves out to a flat in zone 2 or 3 with a garden and starts sprogging. And your evenings out are much rarer, and you just rave about Victoria Park Village and the community feel etc.

As long as you have a grad job with decent prospects, you will be able to buy something decent in your early to mid thirties without having to work too hard to be frugal. Even in london.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 18:00

I've lived in rented accommodation for 12 years and never been kicked out Confused. I've moved around a lot, but that's by choice.

bishboschone · 28/05/2015 18:05

We have recently moved to a house which will be suitable for adult dd to live in with us when she is older so she can save . It's 3 storey and currently she has the top floor which has its own bathroom . She obviously loves it now but it will still work very well for her future .. She is only 11 but I do like a plan.. My mum has a rental flat which I think she plans to leave her but obviously we aren't banking on that ... Our old house just wouldn't have worked with 3 adults plus younger ds ( he has sn though so will be with us forever anyway in all likely hood .

fridgepants · 28/05/2015 18:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

littlejohnnydory · 28/05/2015 18:10

Well, they will rent. In places where that's not really affordable alone, young professionals tend to share houses. It's not 'buy or move in with your parents' - we still rent in our 30's and 40's.

2rebecca · 28/05/2015 18:12

If you live in a rural area why would you expect your kids to move back to your rural area after university? I never returned to my parents' house after university I moved to where my job was and rented there. I expect my kids to sort out jobs in their last year of uni and move where the jobs are and rent until they are settled enough and earn enough to want a mortgage. I moved around a lot initially so a mortgage wouldn't have been sensible. The main point of university is to make them more employable and independent.
I understand why some adults do return to live with their parents temporarily but it's definitely not an expectation any of us have.

fridgepants · 28/05/2015 18:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

NerrSnerr · 28/05/2015 18:21

Most people who live in rented accommodation don't get asked to leave, especially if you choose a landlord who has numerous properties as a business. I moved approximately every 2 years in my 20s to different towns and was never asked to leave.

I'd be surprised if most graduates want to buy straight from university. Most I know want to move around a bit or save for a few years to go travelling. Also lots of us had relationships from university and renting had more security if the relationship didn't work out when we moved in together. I wonder if there's a lot of pressure from parents not to have the 'young professional' years and to settle quickly as none of my peers wanted to do that straight away- life was too much fun to worry about grown up stuff.

Mehitabel6 · 28/05/2015 18:37

We live in an area where they couldn't come home- no suitable jobs.
Even when I was young, and I am over 60yrs, you expected to rent a shared house after university.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/05/2015 18:42

I would also be surprised at a graduate wanting to buy straight out of uni; most follow career opportunities and wouldn't want to be tied to one place.

Mehitabel6 · 28/05/2015 19:04

It seems very boring to want to settle down with mortgages etc when only 21/22yrs.

Iggi999 · 28/05/2015 19:19

Out of interest, I have just googled my old uni halls of residence. We had small rooms with the luxury of a sink! Now in the same hall, they seem to have converted every other bedroom into two to make ensuites for the adjoining rooms. We had a shared bathroom, a shower room, and about three toilet cubicles per floor.
There's no doubt expectations seem to have gone up. Students who can't exist without an ensuite presumably don't fancy sharing a flat and a bathroom with friends/strangers any more. They will miss out a lot I think, and I'm sure for some coming home to their flat-for-one will be quite lonely.

whois · 28/05/2015 19:36

There's no doubt expectations seem to have gone up. Students who can't exist without an ensuite presumably don't fancy sharing a flat and a bathroom with friends/strangers any more. They will miss out a lot I think, and I'm sure for some coming home to their flat-for-one will be quite lonely.

Agreed. I am not old (I think) and left uni less than 10 years ago, yet my halls with a row of shared toilets and showers and a huge catered dining room where we all mingles and made friends has been torn down and replaced by blocks of 5 person ensuite flats. Sad I think.

whois · 28/05/2015 19:37

My brother came back from uni and moved back home with my parents- he's single and enjoys their company. He does his own thing, is very independent but he says why should he go home to an empty house when he could go home and have a chat with Mum and Dad

Oh dear. I have to say I think that's very sad :-( He could be living with a group of friends (or house-share strangers who become friends) and expanding his social horizons.

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 28/05/2015 19:39

As far as I am aware its more standard until only recently to set up your home in your parents front room?

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 28/05/2015 19:41

Oh dear. I have to say I think that's very sad :-(

Really? but poster says he does his own thing, would say its far far more sad not to enjoy your parents company,

mine were lively and socialble and more fun than quite a few of my friends in fact who would get sad or aggressive after a few drinks.

TandemFlux · 28/05/2015 19:44

The kindest thing my parents did was let me stay with them for a couple of years after uni and save for a house deposit. That was many moons ago and long term it made a huge difference