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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

218 replies

stepmothersknockers · 28/05/2015 09:00

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

OP posts:
whois · 28/05/2015 19:51

Really? but poster says he does his own thing, would say its far far more sad not to enjoy your parents company

And I enjoy my parents company. And if I needed to move back home (relationship breakdown, job loss, serious illness) I would.

However living with other people really does help you develop as a person. You learn to cope with people and manage minor grievances, you meet a lot more people from diverse backgrounds, and you (should) have a lot more fun with friends than parents.

If you are always with your parents, you always stay in the parent/child relationship and it's hard to break out of it and be seen as a true adult.

You might 'do your bit' but it's onething cooking a few times a week and it's another managing your money carefully, sorting out contents insurance, negotiating with agents/landlords, organising a cleaning rota or other system for keeping the hose nice, general life admin.

waitaminutenow · 28/05/2015 19:59

I would say to expect them to come home is harsh. Neither me or my brother returned home after uni. We managed to work (houseshare) and then save a deposit for a rental also. I then met my now husband and that halved my rent. We worked and saved (and travelled) for 4 years (granted we have had high salaries) we now own our own home. I'm 30 he's 38....I wouldn't say its impossible if its what someone wants.

missymayhemsmum · 28/05/2015 20:21

I think it's highly likely they'll come home for a bit, DD1 came home for a painful year to find a job and direction, DS says he won't and plans to live with his gf, but migh well turn up on my doorstep if he doesn't find a job quickly, so DS2 are hanging on in the family nest till I'm sure they have fledged (by which time I could need space for grandchildren). Do you need to move? I'd hang on for a couple of years till you know which way it's going to go, whether you need a multi-generation home, or a flat and some deposit money.

Have you and your DH talked about what kind of life you want next?

MistressDeeCee · 28/05/2015 21:34

whois they can rent a nice flat? Really? Where? We're in London. When I left home for Uni years ago - a time when books and travel were paid for, as well as grant - I came back home after Id graduated for a short time, my parents were fine about it, and then I moved into a 2 bedroomed council flat. My own tenancy. I liked my friends..still friends with some of them now. But Id had enough of living with 5 mates sharing kitchen, the arguments over who wouldn't keep the place tidy, do the washing up etc.

Do you really think that option of moving into council accommodation is available to young people now? Do you not realise that there is a housing crisis and certainly in London, any Tenancy Relations Office/private sector housing adviser can tell you the dire circumstances some people are forced to live in by unscrupulous landlords? & pay ridiculously high rents? Is there an idea that private rents are reasonable?

Yes of course not all landlords aren't bad, but a whole lot of them are, sorry. Look up what happens in south London its no big secret in terms of dodgy agents and its not just around here either.

Of course landlords kick people out. Of course people have minimal rights as private tenants..you can do up your home as nicely as you like, feel as settled and comfortable as you like, pay your rent on the dot. But if that landlord wants the property back then thats it..after he's served you with 2 months notice its bye-bye for you, unless you sit tight and he takes you to court and gets a possession order..that might give you a little longer but you still have to go.

This thing of private accommodation being presented as a lovely sunny flatshare and a definite possibility of almost lifetime accommodation is a myth. I didn't buy my own home years ago after Id left Uni..that was then. But if it was nowadays given the state of housing here Id definetely have stayed with parents and saved up to do so.

Why is it that young people have moved away from home gone to Uni, managed on grant for 3 years + worked, then if they want to come home for a bit and parent doesn't mind, its frowned upon? Whats the deal..once you've left the nest don't even think you can come back, or you will immediately turn into a mindless zombie unable to look after self?!

In general I can't fathom why some are harking back to the halcyon days of their own Uni education and pretending they lived on £1 per day, didnt go out, & managed to work hard + study...to the point I wonder well...when DID you actually study and revise, if you are presenting that you worked say more than 25 hours weekly whilst studying for a degree?!

Life now is not what it was back then. Its 2015 not the 1980s/90s or even early 2000s. I want my DCs to have an opportunity to live with me paying a cheaper rent than they ever could "outside", and to save for a deposit on their own home. They have a timescale in mind, they've worked part-time whilst at Uni, they know what the world is like. As far as Im concerned they're not idlers and they're my children so they can have a breathing space if they want to, and Im 100% prepared to offer that.

titchy · 28/05/2015 21:42

Weird how we expect students at London universities to rent in a houseshare but not young graduates!

FlabulousChix · 28/05/2015 21:44

I don't live somewhere my children can have careers. So no chance they were coming back. No investment banks in Hampshire and no decent universities for a maths lecturer

Jackw · 28/05/2015 21:45

The rental places I lived in in my 20's were pretty dire and most of them were managed by shysters but that was the price you paid for independence. We were all young single people sharing the same crappy accommodation and we had a lot of fun.

My single daughter is renting a flat much, much nicer that anything I lived in until after I got married. They seem to have different expectations now.

TheAwfulDaughter · 28/05/2015 21:49

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FeijoaSundae · 28/05/2015 21:54

Agree with everyone else re flat-sharing.

I arrived in London from the colonies in the late 90s with just a backpack. Found a bar job paying a pittance and moved into various flat-shares. I was utterly broke, but it was great fun.

I sound like an old misery, but seriously - I really hope my kids will be ready to be a bit independent by the time they've finished uni, and yes, to experience a bit of hand-to-mouth, if needed.

Of course there will always be various reasons why someone may need to move in with parents temporarily, but doing so because you can't be bothered to - or won't - fend for yourself, is not one of them.

Foreverlurking · 28/05/2015 21:55

With others saying surely it's okay for a while? I've recently graduated and moving home has made it so much easier to save for deposit for flat - one of my friends has recently been able to save for a house after moving in to parents for a while.

Whathaveilost · 28/05/2015 21:58

I don't get this attitude of almost wanting to get rid of your adult ) kids as soon as you possibly can.

One of Mine is neary 20 and working but he can carry on living in our (his) home as long as he wants. It makes no difference to us.
Heck, I don't even charge him board, it's not like he costs a lot to live here!

Mintyy · 28/05/2015 22:00

I flat shared until I was 30! I was able to do this because I worked (in all sorts of jobs, for whatever money I could earn) and would hope my dc will do the same rather than want to live at home after University.

In this I am rather different to my much younger half siblings, two of whom (aged 32 and 35) still live at home.

mumeeee · 28/05/2015 22:02

DD1 came home for a short while after uni but she was already engaged and so she was just with us for about 6 months. DD2 didn't come home at all she is still sharing a flat with friends in her uni town almost 3 years after graduating. DD3 will be going in to her 3rd year at uni in September and she is planning to stay in her uni town. Of course we have always said they could come home if they needed to but the general expectation is that they go their own way. I don't expect them to be able to afford a house deposit. DD1 and 2 are renting.

Sunsoo · 28/05/2015 22:08

I went to the Middle East for a few years after graduating. I made a small fortune and bought a house outright.

I still live with my parents though. The house is rented out.

DinosaursRoar · 28/05/2015 22:14

I think PIL expected DH to come back home post uni - they live in a town on a good commute to London (as FIL had to commute in every day) and most of their friend's DCs returned post uni, but he got a job up north for a year on a training contract, then went overseas for another couple of years, then when he moved back, we were already dating so got a flat together in London.

Most of the 20-something graduates I worked with until I became a SAHM 2 years ago were in flatshares or living with a partner, few lived with their parents, but then I think few I've worked along side grew up in London.

I would think people graduating now have to follow the work, being picky about staying in their home town so they can live rent free and save up isn't really a luxury most can afford, great if your parents live in/near London or a major city where you can get work, but I wouldn't encourage them to limit their job applications to just 'commutable from Mum and Dads'.

DinosaursRoar · 28/05/2015 22:19

oh and I would suggest boys particularly move out, I wouldn't date a man who was living with his mum and dad, esp if his mum acted like a housekeeper who didn't get paid. I would suggest all men need to prove they can live independently rather than go from "being looked after by mum" to "being looked after by DW" to avoid appearing on the relationship boards in the future...

SuffolkNWhat · 28/05/2015 22:20

I moved out properly after doing my PGCE (uni was not in home town) and moved over 150 miles away. Me and DH lived with my in laws for 4 months as we saved up a rental deposit then rented for 6 months. My DPs helped us with our deposit for buying our house but we ensured their contribution was written up so they would receive the equivalent when we sell. My BIL is 30, still at home, not paying rent, washing/cooking etc done for him. MIL moans to us that he won't move out but is dead to us explaining that she and FIL are making it too easy for him to stay.

saturnvista · 28/05/2015 22:21

Growing up, the happiest families I knew ended up being the ones whose children came back for a few years after uni. My children are tiny so I can't say I've been there but I'm already dreading the day they leave home and simply can't imagine not wanting them to come home (unless it was because they were miserable in the real world - then I would prefer them to be happy and independent!).

whois · 29/05/2015 00:01

Do you really think that option of moving into council accommodation is available to young people now?

No, what on earth gave you the impression I thought that. Working graduates should absolutely not be housed in social housing. That should be for vulnerable members of society.

whois they can rent a nice flat? Really? Where?

Wherever fits their budget? We're not talking about people on the fucking poverty line here. We're talking about young graduates with no dependants and decent job and future earning prospects. £28k salary not unusual as a starting salary in a big company in london. More for banking or consultancy. £1800 pcm after tax. £800 gets you a nice room all bills included in a nice enough flat sharing with 2 others in zone 2. £1000 left to spend on travel, food, clothes, going out.

Try not to be a total moron and move into a shithole flat with shit flat mates. its not all sharing one kitchen between 12 and arguing over the washing up. You wouldn't believe it reading mumsnet, but most people aren't psycho bitches.

I find the whole idea that graduates are too poor to live in london unless it's at home quite ridiculous.

Sunsoo · 29/05/2015 00:07

Why should'nt grads be able to get social housing?

thehumanjam · 29/05/2015 00:08

My eldest is only 14 but we've already discussed this. We think it is sensible that they return home after uni and save until they can afford a deposit for a property, it seems the most sensible option in my opinion.

I left home at 18 but worrying about house deposits wasn't a thing back then, as long as you were in employment you could buy a property.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 00:10

Why shouldn't they get a job and pay for their own housing?

And why are so many people convinced life is soooo much harder than it was 20/30/40 years ago? It's bullshit, its just that when you raise a generation of pampered babies it seems harder.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 29/05/2015 00:16

I want all my children to move back so they can pay the rent and I can save my share for the deposit for a house...

Caterina99 · 29/05/2015 02:28

I'm 30, so yes times have moved on a bit, but I graduated in 2007. After uni I lived for 2 years in a flat share with a friend, fair enough I had a graduate job, but it really wasn't great money, although the rent was reasonable and I knew my wages would go up. Moved into another rental with now DH after those 2 years. We weren't in London though which would have made a difference!

My parents would have had me back home, but I didn't want to go back to my home town. To be honest most of my friends did the same. My bil still lives at home and has no incentive to move out, everything done for him and loads of disposable income as he pays no rent. My inlaws can't see that they aren't really helping him face the real world.

FeijoaSundae · 29/05/2015 02:54

Growing up, the happiest families I knew ended up being the ones whose children came back for a few years after uni.

Which is all well in good if you live in a university town / city with good job options / and/or no desire to travel, otherwise you have to move out and stay out. The happiest adults I know are the one who were able, capable and willing to stand on their own two feet sooner, rather than later. Wink

Could not agree more with the PP who said it's especially important for men to have lived away from home and to have fended for themselves. If there's one piece of advice I'll pass on to my DD, it will be to avoid men who've only lived in halls or with Mum and Dad like the plague! I'm not joking, because I certainly did.

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