Pro-lifers - what would you do? *trigger warning*

[catcuriosity]

Not a thread about a thread, but obviously there have been a number of discussions on whether blanket bans on abortion are appropriate in this day and age, and a number of people both on and off line have come out in support of them.

I am just curious as to what a pro-lifer would do in this situation, and apologies if this is triggering to anyone.

Scan at 18 weeks reveals part of the baby's brain is damaged and that has impacted the normal development, including deformaties to the limbs and spine, which has a huge scoliosis. The bladder is also very enlarged, suggesting the baby cannot empty it itself, which could ultimately result in the bladder exploding.
More tests reveal that the brain damage has left the baby paralysed, and it would be unable to take its first breath after birth and would therefore die straight away, assuming it made it to term, which was below 50% liklihood.
The paralysis also meant there would be no fetal movement, and therefore no warning signs if the baby died in the womb. If that happened, there is an increased chance of infection (and risk to the mother's life) and also a high chance of no future pregnancies if infection left lasting damage.

And most importantly, doctors think baby's nervous system doesn't develop until 20-24 weeks, and therefore at 18 weeks, the baby can't feel any pain associated with the issues. After 24 weeks, the baby will be in constant chronic pain.

So, do you terminate or carry the pregnancy on?

I'm so sorry for you. The chronic pain is the red line for me. It's unfair on the baby, a child who'll never know a cuddle or a kiss to make it feel better. It's just too much for the poor little scrap.
I've been through a late stage loss, your situation is far worse than mine and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Boo chunky, it might be an awful question to ask but unfortunately some people do have to ask that question themselves.

Me being one of them (my dd2 illness was different but similar consequences)

Not a pro-lifer BTW but also not really in favour of abortion.

I'm so sorry for your situation and for the loss you are facing. I think I would generally perceived as pro life (e.g. I can sympathise with the family who kept the mother on life support to sustain the life of her unborn child) but in your circumstances I would terminate the pregnancy.

If you need to discuss the situation with your Dh's family (are you obliged to do this?) then I would simply state that you have been told that the pregnancy is incompatible with life and that you are having the procedure to spare the baby any suffering. They may not understand but that it is not your problem. Please don't feel that you have to justify or defend your decision.

sending you too

I am so sorry this has happended, and hope you can get through to the other side at peace X

Vivicia, I think you are reading a little bit into my statement (deliberately?). I hope I would treat anyone with care and compassion!

I was meaning that if the OP had been a friend sharing this with me over the kitchen table knowing my pro-life views, as for her, it is her family's opinions and how they are going to put them across that the OP has concerns about.

and given the pain. I would also terminate OP xxxx

Catcuriousity I'm so sorry you and your husband are facing this awful situation.

I truly believe that no one could tell until they have been in that situation themselves.

Yes to pain being the redline. Our dd2 would be less likely to have felt pain in utero but would have felt it at birth and certainly after.

We had a termination at 22 weeks simply because it wasn't picked up before then. I would definitely go before 21 weeks. After is pretty horrific (added to an already horrific situation)

Kitty
Thanks for your response. I've found some of the other very helpful posts you've made in reply to other people, and taken huge comfort in seeing your story. Thank you for sharing what must be an incredibly painful story

In real life I know one outspoken pro lifer, his wife found herself in the situation of carrying a child that was likely to be in significant pain I born and unlikely to live more than a few mins if not still born.

She decided to terminate as SW didn't want to risk a much wanted baby experancing pain.

Her husband had an affair with the baby sitter left his wife got the 16yo baby sitter pregnant very quickly and held his wife entirely responsible an still refers to her as a murderer.

He is a cunt but most people arnt like him.

I'm incredibly sorry your going through this I terminated a pregnancy in jan for medical reasons (my life at risk) it's not an easy decision to make x

She not SW

OP I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have been there. My dd was diagnosed with a fatal foetal abnormality and because I am from NI, and had a late diagnosis, I had no other option than to continue with the pregnancy and wait for it to end naturally. My dd was stillborn at 35 weeks. I had 15 weeks in limbo, enduring a doomed pregnancy. Actually it is the first anniversary of her birth/death today.

I have been involved in many a discussion with ardent pro-lifers and I have never once been given a clear reason as to why they disagree with termination under these circumstances. I can't give you the best advice as to what you should do but I know, for certain, that if I found myself in the same situation again I would move mountains to have a termination. Going through a pregnancy knowing that you potentially would be delivering your baby and watching them suffocate and die in your arms is torture. Complete torture. If any of your family or anyone couldn't be compassionate towards you for having a termination under these circumstances I would be cutting them out of my life.

I hope you have all the rl support that you need. Feel free to pm me if you like.

As you've asked. If it were me I would let nature take its course. In am pro life and there are too many stories of doctors having got it wrong. I say this as someone who has not been put in this situation Though and as such that is probably an incredibly arrogant sentiment.

on the other hand. Nature can be very cruel and we have the medical science to know and intervene.

If anyone chooses to judge you for terminating that is their problem. anyone who treats you with anything less than love and compassion in this horrible situation needs to reassess ther faith.

Op if i had known what would happen to my daughter after she was born i would have had an abortion. I understand when you say 'you feel your body has failed you' you will have many many emotions now and ongoing fir some time. Based on everything you have been told i would have an abortion. The phrase 'walk a mile in my shoes' springs to mind. You and dh need to think about the 3 of you it really dies not matter what other people think, even if they are family. I am thinking of the 3 of you.

Kitty and Assassin

I am pro choice, I would terminate without hesitation. I could not countenance my baby suffering pain I had the power to spare it from.

I am so sorry for the diagnosis you and your husband have received.

Sorry for awful typos

And one more thing NO ONE knows what they would do until it happened to them

cat I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Fwiw I consider myself privately 'pro-life' to an extent- eg when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at what was frankly a very bad time it never even crossed my mind not to have the baby. But - it would never occur to me, if I was in your in-laws position, to do anything other than give you a hug and tell you how sorry I was you had to make the decision. You're right this is a situation where there is no good outcome- you will probably feel terrible whatever you decide, and your and DH's families should be providing unconditional love and support. Hopefully although they might like to sound off about situations on the news, they will feel differently when it's closer to home, and even if not, they'll be able to keep their feelings to themselves? Is there one member of the family you feel would take it better, that you could then 'task' to tell the others, with strict instructions they're not to get in touch until they can be supportive?

I am anti termination unless it is about the health of mum and baby. I person would terminate if I were in a similar situation.

I'm pro choice so not the intended "audience" for the question but fwiw I'd terminate, there's no other option in my opinion.

I'd like to say I'm sorry you're faced with this awful situation and that I hope you're able to make a decision without feeling under any pressure from anyone and that, when it's made, you get through safely and with peace in your heart and mind.

Cat I'm glad my story has given you a bit of comfort.

I know a few people who have had tfmr and have told people they had a miscarriage. That is totally their choice and it quite understand.

However, I'm quite open about the fact that we had a termination. Others might disagree with me but I can quite happily say in my case (as in yours I suspect) that I made a painful choice and will carry the guilt with me forever bit my dd2 will never have known pain or suffering.

And you know what, it's ok to say 'I know it was the right choice for my baby and my family but I still feel guilty' it's a totally normal response to a truly horrific situation.

I am totally pro choice, that includes people who have a diagnosis knowing what the outcome will be but decide to ctt.

I am so sorry for your situation. Whatever you decide remember that this is YOUR decision (well you and your partner) and you do NOT have to justify it to anyone else whatever you decide. If there is a high chance of miscarriage the decision may be taken for you whilst you are deciding. You can also choose to simply say "we sadly lost the baby" you are in no way obliged to discuss if this was through a procedure or a miscarriage. Do not give anyone any other information unless you want to. All you need to say is the baby was incredibly ill and is now at peace. I hope you can support each other through this and it will bring you closer and stronger x

I'm very conflicted.

I'm pro-life. I'd never have a termination. That's because I believe life begins at conception and I have no right to end that life.

However, I guess to an extent I am also pro-choice because I understand that not everyone shares my beliefs and that those people should have the right to choose a termination should it be right for them and their family, so long as the law allows.

I would never judge anyone for having a termination and have supported both of my best mates when they had theirs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you're pro-life, you don't necessarily judge people who aren't.

I hope that your OH's family are able to understand and are compassionate towards you.

Honestly, in your circumstances if I had a termination I wouldn't tell them. I would say that the baby was very ill and could never have lived outside of you and had died.

I am so sorry for you and your family OP. Lots of love to you.