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Pro-lifers - what would you do? *trigger warning*

329 replies

catcuriosity · 26/05/2015 14:19

Not a thread about a thread, but obviously there have been a number of discussions on whether blanket bans on abortion are appropriate in this day and age, and a number of people both on and off line have come out in support of them.

I am just curious as to what a pro-lifer would do in this situation, and apologies if this is triggering to anyone.

Scan at 18 weeks reveals part of the baby's brain is damaged and that has impacted the normal development, including deformaties to the limbs and spine, which has a huge scoliosis. The bladder is also very enlarged, suggesting the baby cannot empty it itself, which could ultimately result in the bladder exploding.
More tests reveal that the brain damage has left the baby paralysed, and it would be unable to take its first breath after birth and would therefore die straight away, assuming it made it to term, which was below 50% liklihood.
The paralysis also meant there would be no fetal movement, and therefore no warning signs if the baby died in the womb. If that happened, there is an increased chance of infection (and risk to the mother's life) and also a high chance of no future pregnancies if infection left lasting damage.

And most importantly, doctors think baby's nervous system doesn't develop until 20-24 weeks, and therefore at 18 weeks, the baby can't feel any pain associated with the issues. After 24 weeks, the baby will be in constant chronic pain.

So, do you terminate or carry the pregnancy on?

OP posts:
catcuriosity · 26/05/2015 15:13

Chubby When you say you'll never get over it, do you mean get over losing a child, or losing a child because of a termination?
I'm not sure DH and I will ever get over losing this much-wanted, long-tried for, and dearly-loved child. I can't imagine the pain will be any less or greater however the end comes

OP posts:
Chubbychopsmolly · 26/05/2015 15:14

Diddl I'm not undermining anyone's else's feelings of course no one else would get over it. Just because I'm pro life doesn't mean I'm evil so no need for the sarcastic comments.

I would never comment or force my opinion on anyone else. I also wouldn't judge a friend on it but personally it's just something I don't agree with in normal circumstances

Klayden · 26/05/2015 15:15

I'm genuinely sorry for the pain you're going through. Flowers This is about you and your DH, not his family nor their views on termination in general.

Chubbychopsmolly · 26/05/2015 15:16

Catcuriosity I mean over a child in or out of the womb I wouldn't discriminate because one is in the womb (it is still a child). I don't understand your comment

manicinsomniac · 26/05/2015 15:17

I'm pretty much 100% pro life (for me personally that is, I don't believe I have the right to make up other people's minds for them).

But, in this situation, I think I would terminate. But I'm not 100% sure.

Whatever you decide is the right choice for you though - what other people think and would do should have no bearing on it.

BarbarianMum · 26/05/2015 15:17

Chubby if you wouldn't force your opinion on anyone else then surely you are pro choice. Because that's what it means, doesn't it? Giving women the autonomy to choose.

EveryPenny1 · 26/05/2015 15:18

I'm pro life but not at any cost! I see these circumstances as bringing an intollerable situation to an early conclusion, it would be inhumane to force you and your child to suffer longer than you need to.

Do what you and your DH feel is right.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 15:20

I'm pretty much 100% pro life (for me personally that is, I don't believe I have the right to make up other people's minds for them).

That's pro-choice!

Chubbychopsmolly · 26/05/2015 15:22

No it doesn't mean I'm pro choice just because I don't protest. I think this is an exceptional circumstance and I think aborting a healthy baby is wrong on so many levels

Strokethefurrywall · 26/05/2015 15:23

I have nothing to add to this thread other to tell you how sorry I am that you and your husband are having to face such an awful decision.

Wishing you both much love. You must be brokenhearted Thanks

FayKorgasm · 26/05/2015 15:24

Cat I am so very sorry you are going through this. I am 100% pro choice. If an anti choicer judged you then it just shows a complete lack of compassion and heart of stone. I hope you somehow find strength from those you support your decision.

catcuriosity · 26/05/2015 15:25

chubby
sorry if it was't clear.
You said that if you terminated in my situation, you would never get over it. I interpreted that to mean if you didn't terminate, you would somehow get over losing the baby.
I just don't think I'll ever get over it, regardless of whether I terminate, the baby is still born, or the baby dies just after birth. The pain and guilt will be the same for all of them.

OP posts:
Chubbychopsmolly · 26/05/2015 15:26

I also want to add that I am truly sorry you are gong through this. And I hope you get the support from your family that you need. No one should or could judge you on this situation

I wish you all the best

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2015 15:28

What a heartbreaking situation.
I'm pro-choice. Although I wouldn't like the thought of the baby being in pain so that would be my decision made.

electionfatigue · 26/05/2015 15:28

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Personally I would have a termination and if there were any family members who I though would be difficult, I'd tell them it was a late miscarriage. None of their business. I am a doctor and have more than one assisted on very late terminations for similar reasons (one at 37 weeks) - it is blindingly obvious that no-one does that for choice and any family member who gives you a hard time should go take a running jump.

Good luck with everything. You might find this charity helpful www.uk-sands.org/

FrancoisLaPrune · 26/05/2015 15:29

catcuriosity, I have sent you a private message Flowers

Pizdets · 26/05/2015 15:30

I'm so sorry to hear you're faced with this. We terminated under similar circumstances 3 years ago and I was braced for a backlash but everyone was wonderfully supportive, including DH's Irish Catholic family, my Muslim friends and my grandmother who is pretty conservative!

I hope your DH's family will support you in such a difficult time and I agree with pp, it isn't their decision and please don't let them worry you.

I can recommend ARC (antenatal results and choices) if you want someone to talk things through with. Sending love and Flowers

cakeface16 · 26/05/2015 15:30

You think because your husbands family are Irish that they wouldn't understand this? Are you serious? Have you actually met any Irish people? You know we are humans too don't you?

I have never met a human who would want a child to suffer. Of course there are extreme pro lifers but the vast majority of all humans (evil irish included) would agree the kindest thing is to let that child go.

Its like you have never met your inlaws if you think because they are "Irish" they will be pro life. I know lots of irish, you know, being Irish and living in Ireland and all that and not a single one of them is militant pro life. The pro lifers in Ireland are actually a very small but vocal minority.

I am sorry for your suffering and pain but this isn't an "Irish" issue.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 15:31

Chubby if you're anti-choice but don't believe in campaigning against abortion, what does that involve? How does it differ to being pro-choice would you say?

chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 15:32

I have no experience of, and to equip myself with how to deal with people saying the same to me in RL

You owe no explanations to anybody. It's no one elses business or decision. No one else's opinion matters and if they had any compassion for the situation you are in they would keep their opinions to themselves.

Wishing you well in whatever you decide Flowers

MrsRossPoldark · 26/05/2015 15:32

I am pro-life if the baby is 'normal' and there are no issues with its health, but in this case, it's overwhelming that the child will have zero quality of life both in and out of the womb and that simply is not fair on baby or mother. There is nothing that anyone can do to save the baby and the consquences for future pregnancies are dire. 'Leaving it to nature' has already happened really as nature has dictated that this poor child will not live. Sorry to be so blunt, but nature is telling you that this little one is not for this world.

A friend of mine [Roman Catholic and pro-life] was faced with a similar situation and had decided on a termination but Nature took its course anyay and the baby miscarried before the abortion took place. It was gut-wrenching, both to decide on a termination and then to effectively give birth to a soon-to-die baby.

Bless you all in what must be a horrednous situation.

LowryFan · 26/05/2015 15:33

I'm so sorry catcuriousity. What a heart breaking situation. You say 'the pain and guilt'; I know it is so painful but please remember you do not have ANY guilt to address. Sending you lots of love.

Gottagetmoving · 26/05/2015 15:35

I would hate to terminate a pregnancy but from what you describe, there is little hope, if any, for the survival of this baby. I don't think I would forgive myself for allowing the baby to suffer pain in these circumstances.
The guilt of termination would not be as bad as the guilt of allowing my baby to suffer as far as I am concerned.

chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 15:35

cake I'm pretty sure the OP knows her in-laws better than you do, and if she feels like there might be an issue she has every right to raise the question.

propelusagain · 26/05/2015 15:37

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