to be really pissed off with MIL

[Sandbrook]

MILs 7th birthday this week. Of late she was speaking of never getting a chance to go away/hotel break etc etc.
So DH and I gave her a voucher for a nights stay in a 4 star hotel about 45 mins from home bearing in mind she's not a great traveller.
Just off the phone to SIL who's told me MIL has given the voucher to her other son and wife to treat them. Unsure whether she regifted letting them believe she paid for it or not. But still I'm fucking annoyed as if she didn't want the voucher I would have happily taken it back and used it as a much needed break for DH and I.

"I used the 200 I had saved for my friends hen weekend to buy the voucher as money is quite tight and I thought it would be appreciated. Bollox!"

Oh that's sad.

I would say something too, YANBU.

Agree with Dollshouseteaparty: this was a nasty piece of stirring from your SIL. Why did she have to tell you?

Don't, whatever you do, allow it to cause bad feeling as that would be playing right into SIL's hands. I would speak to your MIL first and find out what really happened and her reasons for passing on the break, or shrug it off.

Meant to add you sound very kind considering you sacrificed money you had saved for a treat!

If you say nothing you stand to be walked all over for the foreseeable.

I wouldn't say anything but I'm not a big enough person to just shrug it off either. Definately filling station flowers and card from now on. And heaven help her if she ever moaned to me about 'never being able to get away' again.

(This is presuming that there isn't any big back story here about your BiL and wife having just finished cheno, or being ground down after years of caring for a severely disabled child, or your FiL requiring 24 hour care).

Thanks Tanith, but she's really not like that. And as she said I would have found out over fb anyway as she knew DB's isn't very tactful. Plus SIL was there first hand so I appreciated her coming to me. She has advised to let DH deal with it and both of us have learnt our lesson irt presents for our MIL now. Every cloud!

I'm getting angrier as the day goes on. I think I will say something but past history has taught me to calm down considerably before I confront anyone. It's the quiet seething rage inside me I need to calm first now

Ok - you know her and I don't I apologise to her for questioning her motives!

I'd still check with your MIL, though. There may be a back story.

If there isn't, I second the nude tights

Having my other post x posted with the one containing the price I'm coming round to the view that flowers and chocs are the way forward....
However in 16 years my mil has never even asked when my birthday is, let alone got me anything... unlike her other dil who gets a big fuss made and mil even asked me to post other dils huge card a few years back knowing that she's never sent me one.
so I always try to give other mils the benefit of the doubt from assuming they can't be as bad as mine

I think a gift is a gift, you can't ask for it back. It does seem a bit ungrateful for her to give it away but ultimately it is her decision.

You know now not to splash out and 'treat' her in the future, just stick to flowers, chocolates, etc.

gotthemoononastick OP has said it was a 2 person voucher.

I know you learned this the hard way- but if your relationship with your mil was going to change, it would have happened by now and it wouldn't take a spa voucher to manage that. £200 is a big loss to learn that lesson- but will save you at leas that amount in presents for her.

I do also agree that just because someone admired or said they did- someone's mini break it doesn't mean that is what they want to do themselves, I admire the luxurious breaks my friends take, but I hate going to fancy resorts and hotels because I worry about how I will fit in-what clothes to take- how formal is dinner-will everyone else be wearing really expensive items-it can all seem too formal rather than relaxing so maybe she just felt that.

Is it possible that MIL actually went with other brother's wife..?

Ooooh this would annoy me too, OP.

I'd be pushing for DH to ask her why she didn't offer the voucher back to us. At the very least i'd get him to ask his brother if he knew this voucher was a regift when their mother handed it over to him (or his wife).

Surely MIL knew that it would come out that she'd given the voucher away? It's not like you're not going to ask about the trip at some point. Weird.

I think that does sound really hurtful. Does mil usually Favour the other brother? I know that a gift is given freely, but it is immensely rude and hurtful to just hand it over like it meant nothing to her. It seems really dismissive.

I think you're right to let DH deal with it, but mil sounds horribly I grateful and mean.

Trouble is it's also clouded by the fact that it couldn't really be afforded & presumably OP won't be going on a hen night now.

That of course isn't MILs fault.

But when you've given something up & then it's just glibly/thoughtlessly(?) handed on...

I would say something although maybe wait till you're feeling more calm. If I had a daughter in law and had done something to upset her, I would want to be told.

Exactly how I feel Diddl.
But really there's not a lot I can do. One of life's lessons and I'm not going to harp on about it anymore. There's more serious things to be fretting about.

Springtown as far as I can make out from fb they DB and wife were using it this weekend. I would be shocked if mil went with DB's wife so don't think that's the case.

Ah now, this would really hurt my feelings. And I'd say as much to MIL.

I think a lot of the time family disagreements are compounded as they are played out via passive agressive shit on facebook.

Just get DH to raise it with your MIL. Talk to each other properly!

I see you've got your head screwed on, not looking to get into argument about it. It's just not worth it. You will be £200 down and in a snit with everyone.

Yanbu to be annoyed. Yabu to have spent £200 on a pressie without first checking she would definitely want it and also when money is tight. Seems totally disproportionate.

We would spend £200 on DPs or ILs but would make sure it was refundable or definitely a wanted gift. Plus we can afford to lose £200 so wouldn't be a problem if re gifted.

Is she gifting for a specific purpose or just passing it on as she doesn't want it? If the former then she might have thought "great, this saves me buying them their next few birthday and Christmas pressies!" In which case that's good and you shouldn't mind. If she's not even saving money on future gifts I'd be furious and also think it should have been offered back to you.

As risk if being small minded I'd demand it back off BIL and SIL. Why should they get a break on your dime?!

Well, at least you won't need to give BIL & SIL anything for their birthdays or Christmas this year, or next year, or the year after.

I'd be really cross.

Cross with myself for putting someone first that didn't deserve it.
Cross with MIL for not saying 'thanks, I know I said I'd like this, but actually now its a reality I've changed my mind'
Cross with BIL for getting a free break

I'd contact MIL and BIL and say 'as MIL didn't like her present we have decided to get her something else instead and will get the voucher cancelled'. Then cancel the voucher, or get it transferred to ME.

kickass

My granny used to do this, with gifts her DIL (my mother) gave her. Beautiful vases, silk nighties, tickets to the theatre, all used to go to her other DIL, her cleaning lady, her friends. But I think she was thoughtless and also forgetful, in terms of who had given her these things, rather than malicious.

Mind-boggling, though.

Next tiem she moans about not ever getting a chance to go away etc thats when to bring it up. Not until then though.