Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really pissed off with MIL

227 replies

Sandbrook · 25/05/2015 22:08

MILs 7th birthday this week. Of late she was speaking of never getting a chance to go away/hotel break etc etc.
So DH and I gave her a voucher for a nights stay in a 4 star hotel about 45 mins from home bearing in mind she's not a great traveller.
Just off the phone to SIL who's told me MIL has given the voucher to her other son and wife to treat them. Unsure whether she regifted letting them believe she paid for it or not. But still I'm fucking annoyed as if she didn't want the voucher I would have happily taken it back and used it as a much needed break for DH and I.

OP posts:
pudcat · 26/05/2015 09:10

down our road

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 09:12

I don't think anyone has said she was reasonable, but a lot of people dont seem to understand how gift giving works.

DollsHouseTeaParty · 26/05/2015 09:13

Why did your SIL tell you? If she hadn't, you would have been none the wiser unless MIL had told your herself that she wasn't going to be able to use it so gave it to her other son...

In this context is SIL annoyed that she wasn't the lucky recipient?

Looks a bit like SIL has a big wooden spoon and is stirring. I may be wrong.

She had nothing to gain but make you feel angry. So why did she tell you? Hmm

CheapSunglasses · 26/05/2015 09:15

If it was a vase or a box of chocs I wouldn't think anything of it. But it's obviously a very expensive, generous gift and for her to just give it away to her other son so easily seems very ungracious.

I would address it directly and say something like 'Sorry we got the gift wrong. Now you've given it away you haven't got a present from us. We would have wanted to get you something you'd like and would use. If you'd have let us know we could've exchanged it for something you really wanted.'

hackmum · 26/05/2015 09:17

Winter: "I don't think anyone has said she was reasonable, but a lot of people dont seem to understand how gift giving works."

How do you think gift giving works? To my mind, the only possible response to a gift (unless someone has deliberately given you a horrible or inappropriate gift) is to thank the giver graciously. If a gift is given with love, it should be accepted with love. Giving the gift to someone else is a rejection, not just of the gift, but of the feeling behind the gift.

Original poster
Sandbrook · 26/05/2015 09:31

Definitely not senile, she could have brought FIL or a friend or her sister. Plenty of options but she had said that she would really appreciate a break away on her own Confused

SIL told me as she was genuinely gobsmacked. I'm glad she did, shit stir is not her intention and I know had she been offered the voucher she would have offered it back first. She's a pal.

Might judgement might be clouded somewhat by my dislike for DB's wife. And I do not envisage either mentioning it to me or DH. Even an fyi, mum gave us your voucher hope you don't mind etc but it won't be forthcoming.

The whole episode leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth to be honest.
I understand what some are saying re gifting being nothing to do with you once you gift it but it's like a slap in the face.
Our relationship has been difficult in the past but i thought we had gotten on better over years and I think this may be her way of letting me know what she thinks of me.
Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.

OP posts:
SpringTown46 · 26/05/2015 09:34

I think I'd have to ask MIL if it is true. And then ask why, as you don't want to get it so wrong again. It might be as simple as she couldn't envisage how to get there and back.

diddl · 26/05/2015 09:40

Is it that she had no way of getting there?

Perhaps she had no idea of the value of the gift?

However, I'd like to think that my own mum could say to me "lovely idea diddl, but I really don't think I can get there/use it, would you have a use for it or be able to get a refund"?

Original poster
Sandbrook · 26/05/2015 09:45

She still drives as does FIL and has 3 sons who can drive her anywhere.

It's also quite close to her sisters home.

I have 2 options then:

  1. Swallow it down and let DH buy future presents which will be filling St flowers
  1. Say it to her. But I have a feeling she won't see anything wrong with giving it anyway. So where does that get me?
OP posts:
chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 09:57

Option 3 - Embarrass her.

Tell her you and DH want to join her and ask what date she is going so you can co-ordinate. Tell her you want to book some treatments and what did her friend recommend? Say that the restaurant looks lovely and you want to book a meal for the three of you in the evening.

And do this all publically, either in front of other people or on Facebook.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 10:01

God no, don't say it to her. And don't plaster it all over facebook, thats terrible advice!
Yes, she has every right to regift. Yes, also, she's been very rude in the manner she's done it. Don't be just as rude and gauche yourself by having it out, either in public or not.

diddl · 26/05/2015 10:06

I think that I would at some point ask if she has been yet/when intending to go.

And if she admits giving it away say "oh that's a shame, thought you would have really liked it"

Then just let your husband give the crappy flowers in future.

NowSissyThatWalk · 26/05/2015 10:08

Agree with Winter, That won't solve anything.
Option 3 -
I would just keep asking her about it as PP's have said:
'Are you excited?'
'What treatment do you think you'll get?'
'We knew you wanted to to do something on your own so you deserve it'

Original poster
Sandbrook · 26/05/2015 10:12

Ok some development. DH just checked fb and his DB's wife posted "just got treated to a spa night" tagged DB so it kind of looks like she means he treated her iykwim. DH wrote underneath, is that with the voucher we got mum?
Whole post was deleted straight after.

I don't use fb that much so I would be loathe to put anything on there anyway and I think now after DHs post the chance of a family argument is likely so think I may just get over it. DB's wife is quite spiky so I imagine something will now be said at some point. DHs family so will leave it with him to sort out.

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
FlabulousChix · 26/05/2015 10:12

I'd not let it go it's 200 quid. I'd ask for it back so you can get a refund and buy her something else

chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 10:20

At least your DH has said something, saying nothing and quietly fuming generally causes more issues later on.

It's no longer your argument, let them sort it out.

Athenaviolet · 26/05/2015 10:23

And when you asked her why she didn't want to use it herself she said...?

Original poster
Sandbrook · 26/05/2015 10:28

I haven't Athenaviolet Blush
Will see her next week, I might then

OP posts:
diddl · 26/05/2015 10:41

I'd have to say something.

Do you usually do such extravagant/thoughtful gifts?

If not, then it somehow makes it more hurtful.

So glad that we don't do presents for adults!

gotthemoononastick · 26/05/2015 10:44

I would let it go and do arithmetic in my head about the cost of what any other gift might have cost you.The gift,the card,the paper,the time spent choosing,parking, fuel,aggravation etc.and after all that still have got it wrong.You could be better off .

Nearly your Dmil's age here and would rather pull out my eye and feed it to a bulldog than go to a hotel or spa by myself ever, for a gift..just saying.

Original poster
Sandbrook · 26/05/2015 10:51

Not usually Diddl just for significant birthdays.

I understand gotthemoonomastick but she had said she wanted to go and it was a room rate so for 2 people so she did not have to go alone.

I used the 200 I had saved for my friends hen weekend to buy the voucher as money is quite tight and I thought it would be appreciated. Bollox!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 26/05/2015 10:52

I like your husband's style. If she doesn't want it then she should not be giving it away! Next time - some yardley talc will have to suffice.

chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 10:53

Fuck it, have it out with her. If you have stretched yourself to afford it she needs to know that. Sad

I'm feeling sad on your behalf.

iamadaftcoo · 26/05/2015 10:54

I would say something to her OP, I think this was a really hurtful thing to do.

chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2015 10:55

Actually your Dh needs to, as you shouldn't be put in the position of being the "bad guy".