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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really pissed off with MIL

227 replies

Sandbrook · 25/05/2015 22:08

MILs 7th birthday this week. Of late she was speaking of never getting a chance to go away/hotel break etc etc.
So DH and I gave her a voucher for a nights stay in a 4 star hotel about 45 mins from home bearing in mind she's not a great traveller.
Just off the phone to SIL who's told me MIL has given the voucher to her other son and wife to treat them. Unsure whether she regifted letting them believe she paid for it or not. But still I'm fucking annoyed as if she didn't want the voucher I would have happily taken it back and used it as a much needed break for DH and I.

OP posts:
momtothree · 25/05/2015 22:50

Id be hopping mad! Has DH said something?

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 22:51

(hate to say this, and sorry, and genuinely don't mean this to be mean, but) you've now twice said that if she didn't want it, she'd rather she gave it to YOU, so you're not against her re-gifting in principal, just that you weren't the lucky recipient.

Xenadog · 25/05/2015 22:58

Don't waste your money in future. From now on all presents would be chocolates, picture frames or something else equally innocuous. I would also be asking when she was going on the trip and what she was looking forward to most. I think I would be tempted to comment on the amount of effort, thought and cost you put into the gift because you sooo want her to enjoy herself.

Re gifting something small is fine but a £200 voucher is quite big and not only is the cost a issue but the fact you put so much thought into it as well. I would be incredibly hurt and angry.

maddy68 · 25/05/2015 23:02

I think there.aity of going away by yourself is daunting when you are young
Et alone when you are 70. I wouldn't say anything. You have her a gift. She did what she wanted todo with that gifts and as it was for one person she must have added to it to make it a lovely gift for two.

maddy68 · 25/05/2015 23:03

The thought! And let alone. Thank you iPad for making me look like a moron !

Original poster
Sandbrook · 25/05/2015 23:07

Yes Fatmomma I know I sound awful. But to me it's not regifting if it goes back to us considering we paid for it. Appreciate the comment though, I feel a heel.

Grin Maddy I got your meaning anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandbrook · 25/05/2015 23:09

Oh and DH takes the path of least resistance when it comes to matters of the family.
He says it was hers to do with as she pleases, was a little pissed but it already over it an hour later. Must borrow a leaf from his book

OP posts:
momtothree · 25/05/2015 23:10

Offer her a lift to the hotel.

Corygal · 25/05/2015 23:15

Call your SIL to tell what's happened - ask for voucher back as you can 'get a refund to buy MIL a present she really wants'.

Then buy MIL the nude tights as helpfully suggested and go on the hol yourself without telling the family.

Bloody cheek.

Mrsstarlord · 25/05/2015 23:24

Oh dear, we were given a voucher for a night away by our daughter on her wedding day. We never had the chance to use it as we have 2 younger kids and no one to look after them overnight. The only option we could have paid extra and taken them with us had shut down. We gave the voucher to my mum and dad with 3 weeks left till it expired as they'd had a difficult time health wise and really deserved a break. Never crossed my mind that having given us a gift she'd want it back Confused

Original poster
Sandbrook · 25/05/2015 23:31

That sounds very kind of you put like that Mrsstarlord, maybe your daughter would have told you to pass it on anyway if your parents deserved it.
I would have no problem if this was our situation but...
Mils voucher had another 6 months valid and was only given this week so expiry date was not a consideration.

OP posts:
Silverdaisy · 25/05/2015 23:34

Really it was a gift you thought was solving an issue she had. But really, when she was saying she doesn't get away it was probably more a moan. When presented with a solution, she recognised there was a reason she doesn't do trips - which is she cannot be bothered with the hassle.

SnowyPiglet · 26/05/2015 00:39

Wow! Not surprising you are pissed if it was £200, to a spa, and something she had said she really wanted!
I'd make sure the recipient knew it was actually MEANT for your MIL, and would probably have difficulty saying it without severely gritted teeth (although I admit that sounds a bit mean). I would also ask MIL very nicely (but also through gritted teeth) what she would have liked, seeing as she isn't using the voucher.
And not give her anything more than a small box of chocolates in the future.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 26/05/2015 01:04

My mum does this sort of thing all the time. She is really fucking ungracious and has rejected gifts and given away things I have given her. Without a second thought. I understand that she is living alone so she can spend too much time thinking about herself. But her rude and seemingly unappreciative attitude has damaged our relationship. I invest less time and effort because I get little in return, this saddens me but I don't get as much of the rage anymore. Just keep your emotional distance, she did not ask you to give this very generous gift, clearly she does not view it the same way you do.

MakeItACider · 26/05/2015 03:30

Next time, make up your own printed voucher, and she can contact you to arrange it all.

That way she can't pass it on, and if she prefers elsewhere (for herself!) you could arrange that instead.

JessieMcJessie · 26/05/2015 06:23

It seems like a very odd thing to do. Was it a voucher for 1 or 2 people? My first thought was that maybe she didn't want to go alone, but if Other Brother and Wife are going to use it then it sounds like it's for 2 people.

I think there can only be 3 explanations:

  1. She does not like the gift at all, really doesn't want to go but was too embarrassed to tell you

or

  1. She sees the gift as something nice for herself, but has decided Other Brother and Wife deserve it more, so by giving up her own treat she somehow feels like she is "paying" for a treat for them.

or

  1. She is an utter cow making a pointed gesture that your present is so shit she might as well just give it away.

If it is (1), she was a bit short sighted as of course you were going to find out. But do you think that maybe she was both horribly embarrassed but unable to let it go to waste, and has somehow rationalised that giving it away was a better solution than not going?

What did she say when you gave her the gift?

Surely in this situation it is the BIL/SIL who got the voucher who now have to do the right thing, which is either give it back to you and your DH or offer you some money for it? If they are going on it in full knowledge of the facts then they are astonishingly rude, unless they too see it as in (2). Can you talk to them about it?

In your position I'd be wanting to ask the MIL too - I'd be angry inside but would dress it up as "I'm so sorry you didn't like the gift, can we get you something you'd enjoy more?"

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/05/2015 06:45

I think you have to let it go. Don't buy her anything expensive again. Did she thank you for it?

musicalendorphins2 · 26/05/2015 07:01

I'd be disappointed and a bit annoyed as well. I suppose it was too much of a hassle to go for one night, and perhaps she didn't really want to hurt your feelings. However, she should have realized giving it to another family member, in front of yet another family member, that it would get back to you. Could she be getting senile?

AlternativeTentacles · 26/05/2015 07:06

Nect time she says stuff about wanting to go away, you can point out that she will never get away if she gives away free nights to places she bangs on about visiting.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 26/05/2015 08:59

Winter, I really get that if it was a smaller gift but £200 later I cannot be that magnanimous

The scale makes no difference, I'm afraid. If the gift was too much, you shouldn't have bought it, thats your choice. Yes, its annoying, I'd be pissed off too. It suggests to you that your gift, and therefore you, are not valued.

But the principle is the same whether its a bottle of wine you got and don't drink so you bring to a dinner party, or its a new car. Once person gives a gift to another, it has nothing more to do with them what happens to it, and the recipient can do whatever they like with it.
I think people actually know this, and if it wasn't a MIL thread the responses would be different.

1Morewineplease · 26/05/2015 08:59

I'm minded to let it go this time , have a quiet grumble to yourself and vow to do/buy something different next time. If DH isn't wanting to say anything then I'd let sleeping dogs lie.
Am reminded of a day a while ago whereby SIL and I had to go through MIL's bedroom to sort out all of late FIL's things and make MIL's things more organised for her. I can't tell how many gifts from children and grandchildren we found either unopened or with labels still attached... Heartbroken, miffed , resentful and bloody annoyed are just some of the words I can think of.
Just wonder if people of a certain age just simply don't want anything.
Needless to say we couldn't say anything as MIL has dementia now .

icelollycraving · 26/05/2015 09:01

My mum is 70 & a creature of habit. She gets in a complete flap about journeys,holidays etc. Is it possible she didn't want to tell you that & look ungrateful?
If she tried to pass it off as if she had bought it,then that's a bit off.

icelollycraving · 26/05/2015 09:02

^ if she returned it to you,that could look very ungrateful.

iamadaftcoo · 26/05/2015 09:05

I can't believe there are people saying your MIL was reasonable, I think she was incredibly rude.

pudcat · 26/05/2015 09:09

oh dear this has happened to me. My son and d in l got me a ticket for a concert of a group I liked. I dare not say I did not want to go. I get panicky in large events. Any how they picked me up to go and half way down our I had 1 mighty panic atack and had to come home. They had plenty of time to get another family member. I have a feeling they thought this might happen and had someone on stand by. Maybe if your m in l had someone to go with she would have gone. I could not go on my own and would not know how to graciously refuse the gift.