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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my sister is BU and SIL did nothing wrong?

300 replies

MyFamilyAreAllMad · 25/05/2015 16:54

My sister and SIL are at war again

Sister gave my nieces £20 each. They are 7 and 8. They chose to go to Pizza Hut or Express or one of those places, so SIL and BIL took them and then got the girls to phone them up and say thank you.

Sister is now mad because 'they spent the money on themselves'!

I am staying WELL out of it, but I really think she's BU.

OP posts:

flippinada · 26/05/2015 09:41

Why are people making the assumption that the kids paid for everything? I don't think it says that anywhere in the thread, does it?

TTWK · 26/05/2015 10:00

Why are people making the assumption that the kids paid for everything? I don't think it says that anywhere in the thread, does it?

Because that's the whole point of the thread. The sis is angry that brother and sis in law had a free meal out on her dime. If that isn't the case, then it's a non story and there would be no point in the original post.

5madthings · 26/05/2015 10:09

Bloody hell can't believe the drama, for starters we have no idea if the parents used all the children's money, but even if they did I can't get worked up about it. this is exactly the kind of thing my ds2 would do with his money, he is generous to a fault. If I didn't let him it would end up in a meltdown actually (he has asc). I would probably treat him to some lego or something at a later date.

But for my kids pizza express is a treat and yes they would dress up a bit. It tends to be a birthday thing, or something we do when relatives visit. A meal out with starters, mains and puddings is seen as a big deal, they love choosing from.the menu themselves etc. And would like paying, there is something very grown up and special feeling about paying for things that kids often like, mine tend to just spend bits of money on small treats but just taking your own item to the till etc and paying is good. Hell at a wedding on Saturday Ds4 bought his own drink from the bar, a fruit shoot... But he loved lining up and asking for his drink, the waitress told him he looked cute in his shirt and that she liked his face paint as there was a face painter at the wedding. It was all part of the experience for him and I can well imagine the two nieces really enjoyed taking their parents for a meal out.

As for only having tap water or only one parent going with them, fgs miserable gits that isn't likely to be as fun for the kids is it.

In reality the parents may well put some cash in the kids banks or money box or treat them to something else. Hell we have no idea if they used all the money or not. But even if they did it was spent on what the kids wanted, it went towards a treat the kids would otherwise not have got.

From the sounds of it your sister just doesn't like sil, I take it she is equally cross with her brother?!! She needs to get a grip and if she is that bothered what the kids buy with money she gave then she needs to buy something or give a gift voucher etc.

flippinada · 26/05/2015 10:18

I agree madthings. The phrase storm in a teacup springs to mind.

ChwatFeechers · 26/05/2015 10:20

I think it's a little mean to spend the kids money on a meal for the family, however I also believe once a gift is given, it is up to the recipient to do as they please with it.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 10:34

I think it's U to give a 7 and 8 year old £20 each

00100001 · 26/05/2015 10:38

also, my nephew (9) would do this. He once had about £40 and he wanted to take me and his Mum out for lunch. He loved being able to pay for the adults. Took it all very seriously and received the bill, when the waiter came over, he was all "No no, I'm paying for this, I'll have the bill" and paid for it, making sure the wait knew it was him paying .

We made sure we had cheapy things on the menu, and we paid him back sneakily over the next week or so.

In my experience, it would have actually been rude to not accept the gift he was giving us.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 10:40

He took great pleasure in 'taking us out', he asked us where we'd like to go (we chose his favourite place) and he wanted to give us this gift.

TTWK · 26/05/2015 11:06

Wow! Kids paying for adults to eat out! Just wow!
What's next? "Mummy, I'd like to use the money auntie gave me for my birthday to help towards the mortgage."
"Daddy, I'd like to chip in my Christmas money towards servicing the car."
It's a real shame chimney sweeping has died out and these kids can't bring in to the house the kind of money they used to!

00100001 · 26/05/2015 11:16

Ttwk, there's no issue with giving kids the opportunity to do something nice for their parents surely?

No one isbsaying they should contribute to the household bills.

If your kids were desperate to buy you a cookie because it made then happy and they wanted to do this for you. Would you refuse that gift? Making them feel bad or that they can't do nice things?

If my kids want to buy me a cookie, I would graciously accept and in return buy them one too. That way, they get to give the gift bit not 'lose' any money.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 11:18

I thinkbits admirable that a child could give a gift from money given to them. It shows they are thoughtful and selfless.

5madthings · 26/05/2015 11:22

Oh fgs can you really not see the difference between household bills versus contributing to a treat of a meal out?!

TTWK · 26/05/2015 11:24

No one is saying they should contribute to the household bills.

Feeding your family is a household bill!

If my kids want to buy me a cookie, I would graciously accept and in return buy them one too. That way, they get to give the gift bit not 'lose' any money.

Did these parents take their kids out the following week for another pizza, this time with the parents paying? No suggestion of that. They sponged a free meal out the maybe otherwise couldn't afford, on money given to their kids by their aunt.

Freeloaders!

Theycallmemellowjello · 26/05/2015 11:28

Yeah, on reflection I also don't buy this idea that the receiver has no obligations to the giver of a present. If someone gives me a gift, ok I have a legal right to do what I want with it - but frankly it's rude to re-gift it or sell it. I don't think the aunt was any more unreasonable to be annoyed with the money not being spent 100% on the kids than she would have been if she'd given them a toy and they'd re-gifted it to someone else. Re-gifting a toy is also a lovely gesture, but it is a bit rude to the giver IMO.

ChwatFeechers · 26/05/2015 11:29

My kids are thoughtful and selfless, I just wouldn't use their money to treat everyone else.
I'd pay for the meal and tell them to treat themselves.

KurriKurri · 26/05/2015 11:36

Has anyone had a conversation with your sister explaining the situation. Everyone is saying what the kids wanted to do, and that is fine. A meal out that both children agreed on and wanted to pay for with parents chipping in is lovely. but your sister may think that the parents decided we will use it to pay for a family meal.
Can't see any where in your posts where someone has taken the time to say to your sister - the girls were really excited, came up with the idea themselves and wanted to take us all out.

Your sister might feel that the idea of the meal out was proposed by the parents, or one but not both of the girls, and they were rather badgered into it. Not saying that is the case, but if no one tells her politely, she won't know.

She has no rights over a gift once given, but if the parents had taken the money and put it towards a phone bill then no one would think that was fair, your sister may be misinterpreting the case as something similar to this. I think its sad that your sister did a nice thing and gave her nieces some money, and she's being made out the bad guy. I quite agree she might have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, and it personally wouldn't bother me what any one spent their money on I had given them, but I don't think your sister is being totally off the wall unreasonable if no one has told her the full story. And it sounds as if she hasn't been included (was she sent all the photos?) and people are talking about her behind her back.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 11:45

chwat and ttwk How do you know the parents didn't pay them back?

And a treat meal is not a household bill and is notbtje same as "feeding the family"

Such hyperbole

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 26/05/2015 11:46

The parents are quite likely to have paid a reasonable sum towards the meal anyway. Pizza express is expensive for what it is, especially if you go at the weekend when vouchers are not usually valid. It usually costs DP and I over £30 to eat there with vouchers and just one drink and only starters and mains. Three courses for 4 people and possibly more than one drink would cost a fortune.

It sounds like the DDs had a lovely experience that would have been spoilt if they started with the 'you paid this and I will pay that' etc and what does it matter if on this occasion they treated their parents, unless the parents have a history of never treating them or taking their spending money to spend on themselves? May be they don't eat out a lot and even if they do, maybe they don't usually get to have 3 courses or whatever they want off the menu?

They will remember that they all went out to eat and had whatever they wanted and had a lovely time and surely that's what matters here?

Tamar86 · 26/05/2015 11:47

I know my children would love to take me and DH out to a meal and pay for it themselves.

I give my older DD pocket money every week. She likes to spend it on buying an ice cream for everyone - she actually begs to be allowed to go and order them herself and pay with her own money. If you try to refuse, or say you'll pay yourself, she is like Mrs Doyle in Father Ted - you know that scene where Mrs Doyle and her friend end up having a brawl over who'll pay for their tea and cake in a cafe.

So I let her buy me an ice cream when she wants, and be bursting with pride handing it over.

And sometimes I'll buy her a little gift, or secretly pop a bit of money in her purse to make up for it, but I don't turn down her generosity now, because I can see it makes her feel hurt, and I know that she loves buying things for others.

That's how she wants to spend her money.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 11:50

Yy^^

NKfell · 26/05/2015 11:57

I had this same thing with DP when he was not my DP but my ex...

He gave our DS who had just turned 5 £5.00 for some pocket money when out with his GP and DS decided to buy me flowers with it!

DP was fuming that his mother would allow him pay for the flowers and that I accepted them(!) but DS really wanted to and I still smile thinking of his little face when he handed them over. He was all flushed and smiling!

As it happens I actually sneakily added to his money box to pay him back but I'd have never taken away his pride in being generous.

ChwatFeechers · 26/05/2015 11:58

So I let her buy me an ice cream when she wants, and be bursting with pride handing it over.

That's an ice cream, though. £20 all to yourself is a lot of money for some kids, I'd rather them buy something they could play with and keep than for it to be gone in one meal.

TTWK · 26/05/2015 12:15

DP was fuming that his mother would allow him pay for the flowers

DP was bloody well right to be fuming. He was your ex, he gave his 5 y/o son a fiver for himself and your mother allowed that money to be spent on flowers for you!!! Your mum should have explained to him that although it was a nice thought, his dad would want his son to spend the £5 on himself, not his mum.

When the flowers were given, you should have thanked your son very much but then explained to him very nicely that it wasn't what his dad has in mind, it wasn't fair on his dad to use that money for a gift for ex partner, and repaid him the £5.

Bunnyjo · 26/05/2015 12:19

Firstly, your DSis is BVU to be mad with just your SIL. Surely, this decision was taken as a family and your DSis should have an issue with both your DB and SIL, or neither?

However, your DSis does have a point. I imagine she has given the money with the view that it would be spent on the children entirely - and it looks like this wasn't the case.

Certainly, in our local Pizza Express, the kids Piccolo menu (starter, main, dessert and frothed milk drink) is only £6.50 and it's even cheaper in Pizza Hut for children! As such, it could well be that the the majority of the money has gone towards the parents' food and drink.

If this is the case, then I'm not surprised your DSis is annoyed to be honest.

00100001 · 26/05/2015 12:42

chwat and TTWK would you refuse a gift from your child in those circumstances and upset them and take away that feeling pf huge pride from them?

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