to be bit upset with dsis re food?

[wandafull]

Just had dsis and her family

• her dh and two dc- to stay for bank holiday weekend, plus had another ffriend, her family, same number of kids. So, busy house. Dsis sits me down just before she left and told me as nicely as possible that the food situation was a 'bit weird'. To give a bit of context , I was always overweight as a child and this continued into adulthood- really had to do portion control and had a personal trainer for a while to drop down a size. Anyway, I have two dds and definitely do not want them to be over weight. So, they get good healthy three meals a day but no snacks in between. I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask. Otherwise my dds get very upset when they are not allowed but others are. So I suppose I'm quite careful with adult portions of food now I've lost the weight- as has dh too- and I don't make piles of food when we have guests. Dsis basically told me that her dc were hungry and grumpy and that she hadn't had enough to eat and that it was weird that I offered so little food! She was nice about it but it's got me really quite worried- I offered guests and kids cereal for breakfast at sevenish, then nothing till lunch at 1 and then nothing till kids tea a 5 and adult dinner at 9Ish. Is that weird?

So your own kids are not allowed snacks at all? You are passing on your unhealthy eating habits to your children. Very controlling to put this on guests as well.

Don't feel bad, OP. Food is such a loaded thing. I'm always conscious of how much we feed our guests because me and DP are overweight, and I wonder if when people visit us they eat more than they would normally.

Your DSis will know for next time, and sneak food in. That's what we now do when we visit my (lovely, by the way) sister.

Oh bless you OP! You obviously didn't mean for this to happen, you were doing a lovely thing when you invited two families to have a nice bank holiday weekend at your home. I certainly couldn't have coped with that many other people's children in my house for a whole weekend no matter how many snacks were on offer!

It's difficult having weight issues, and I can understand you clinging on to the thing that works for your family at all times. You just didn't realise the negative impact that could come from something that's been so positive for you. Thank your sister for telling you, and acknowledge to her and your friend that you have recognised your mistake, then forget about it and look forward to the next bank holiday.

Sorry you are feeling bad, OP. Maybe just rethink things and do things differently next time. Everyone makes mistakes.

Wow very weird food situation, you should have at least offered some fruit or something.

Did you serve the adults alcohol in the evenings? I'd have been trolleyed if I'd gone from 1pm to 9pm without any food, and then was handed a glass of wine at eg 6pm, assuming that it was topped up even once an hour.

Do you have large portion sizes during the meals? I think the snack situation really depends on whether lunch was a big cooked meal, or if we're talking one sandwich each. If the meal was big, I would say ok with no snacks (although 9pm is really late to eat!), but not otherwise.

Oh dear. Well I dropped from a 14.down to. 12 and I'm probably now a steady 10. Dh has dropped from needing Xxl to being quite a muscular L size in most shops. We both feel so much better. Both our mums were sort of 'feeders' I suppose- always being offered high calorie snacks and deep fried food.
I can just see my elder dd -6- plump up so quickly and it breaks my heart that she might have issues with her weight like I did.

Well, you weren't the greatest hostess but I am really surprised that you hosted all these people plus kids and no mention of them chipping in a bit. If I were staying with someone for a bank holiday I would turn up with wine, chocolate and flowers and I would certainly bring along some goodies for the children or any of my kids favourite snacks.
I go the other way and am always asking guests if they are hungry or thirsty as I would hate to think I didn't feed them well enough. Anyway, you have taken it on the chin,

Only the OP knows what her children are like - they may not need to snack. I never really did as a child.

But - if I were staying with my sister and my DC were hungry I'd say to her "the kids are hungry is there anything I can give them? Could they have an apple / banana / some toast?". Same at a friends. Did neither of them mention it? If they did and you refused - sure, you were very weird. But if they didn't, well - their fault really

She might have issues with her weight though because of how you feed her now. My cousin wasn't allowed sweets, crisps or any form of snacks etc as a child and he went made on them once he was able to buy his own food.

Please remember that different children/people have different calorific needs. My children eat approx twice the calories of my friend's children (same age). All the children in question have low BMIs so it's not a matter of greed, it's need.

My sil and bil are competitive 'non eaters' and are always skipping meals. On a family holiday last year her dd's boyfriend had to take refuge with us for supplementary meals as he really struggled to get from 9am -7pm on a handful of blueberries and bite of bread. Whatever your normal eating patterns you need to be aware of the needs of your guests.

But don't beat yourself up over it. It was good that your dsis can talk to you and you can do things differently next time.

You are Rationing food for a 6 year old!?
You need to understand that is not ok.
Kids need lots of calories...they are growing fgs!
Well done on the weight loss, but I think you need to understand that it's not necessary for everyone to calorie count/portion control.

There's a bit of a dichotomy here being drawn between "Eat only when you're hungry" and "snacking/grazing often during the day". Well I eat when I'm hungry which does translate to snacking/grazing! I'm hungry rather often and I like to eat then if I can. I've never had a weight problem, either, just quite a fast metabolism which none of those "eat protein and you'll be full all afternoon!" tips have managed to work for.

7-1 is far too long for a child to go wothout food. They need a
Mid-morning snack.

If she gets into the habit of gorging on food when she's out from under your direct control (school, friends houses etc) then absolutely she's going to have issues with her weight. You really do need to sit and unpick some of this, it's not a normal attitude to food, it really isn't.

OP I understand why you are careful on a daily basis, but when you are hosting, it is important to be generous and provide in excess for guests. It is also good to let DC have a treat during the holidays. Sorry but I think your Dsis is right.

Next time, explain that you like to be careful with your weight, but leave out a big bowl of fruit and some other healthy snacks and make sure they all know - your DC as well as their cousins - that they are welcome to help themselves if they are hungry between meals.

Bear in mind that DC who are going through growth spurts can eat vast amounts, and young teens, esp boys can need up to 3000 calories a day if they are growing a cm per month.

On an average day DS1, 13, who is skinny as a beanpole, can eat: a bagel with bacon, a banana and a glass of milk for breakfast; a huge bowl of soup, French bread and cheese, crisps and an apple at lunch, an adult portion of dinner (e.g. steak or chicken with potatoes or rice and 2-3 veg) and a yoghurt. In between he'll eat a couple of biscuits, slices of salami and some carrot sticks, and at supper a bowl of cereal. And he is rake thin from all his growing and nervous energy.

Long in the op, it says the kids asked for snacks and were refused. It also says they were whiny and crying and everyone was pretty miserable. If that is not a sign your guests want more food not sure what is!

Sorry x posted there- thanks so much for supportive posts.
Yes dsis was pretty tiddly too once the wine came out after the kids meal!
Coreygal - the carrot! I hope it didn't come to that at ours. But yes we are in the country with no shop nearby. Feeling marginally better bit clearly need to rethink

Well done on losing the weight and well done for wanting your kids to be healthy BUT I think you really need to have a re-think about how controlling you are being. There is nothing unhealthy about snacks and they don't need to be high in fat etc.. I think your sister in law was absolutely right to broach how unreasonable you had been. My children are 6 and 3 and there behaviour would have been horrific if they had been expected to go so long without eating! Dh and I would not have managed it either I don't and would have gone off to find a shop and wouldn't have been returning again if we were told that we couldn't snack in between meals! I think if you don't address your over control no matter how well intended you are likely to cause your children future eating disorders

Dd (5) has breakfast at 7 - cereal, toast and smoothie. 10 - fruit 12.30 - sandwich, yog, raisins, apple, cookie. 4 - hot cross bun and a banana. 7.30 - full dinner and pudding. She's a slip of a child, wearing age 3-4 clothes, she'd have been starving, and very very vocal at how hungry she was.

Some context...
My ds1 is 11
On an average day he will eat...
Breakfast...Porridge and croissants
Mid morning snack at school...bagel/toast/sausage roll/flapjack
Lunch...panini/chicken burger/pasta
Tea....hot meal
Snacks...bread sticks/rice cakes/flapjacks
He only drinks water and has never eaten sweets or chocolate.
He is average for weight and height.
He would starve at your house :(

Also, from a hosting point of view, if I had that many guests with a range of ages I would assume not everyone's appetites would sync, so I'd be inclined to offer something mid-morning and mid-afternoon, even if it was cheese and crackers or just bread and butter for children. I eat with the children in the evening so I'd be secretly gutted to see them tucking in at 5 knowing I had to wait until 9 for my dinner. I'd probably have to go and buy snacks for myself to squirrel away seeing as they were frowned on!

To be honest I think the first step would be apologising to your sister. I felt she handed it as sensitively as she could. I am not sure I could have if my sister only gave my son a small bowl of cereal and then refused him food when he was clearly hungry.

I would perhaps consider speaking to a dietician and if you do have guests again then you really do need to offer them more food. It's not fair to control their food intake based on your limited food. Have a fruit bowl available and tell them to help themselves. The least you could do is warn the guests so they can bring their own snacks.

I have to say having guests for the weekend is a real opportunity for me to bake a cake , buy biscuits , crisps and wine . Our guests are always treated to a slap up breakfast , I would have cereals, fruit, yoghurt, and hot food for anyone who wanted it. Lunch normally soup and sandwiches or bagels and then a roast or steak dinner or a curry or a take out. The fridge would be full and all know to help themselves. Now I know why I get so many visitors lol !

If I was at your house I'd have been eating snacks in secret to keep going. I'd have also been pretty pissed off if my kids were hungry, asked for a snack and you said no.

I suspect the lots of tears from the children were absolutely linked to the fact that they were starving!

Also, we eat with our children at home so we have our meal at 5.45. I'd have been on the floor not eating until 9pm as an adult - the way DS sleeps I'm in bed by 9.30, not in the middle of dinner.