to be bit upset with dsis re food?

[wandafull]

Just had dsis and her family

• her dh and two dc- to stay for bank holiday weekend, plus had another ffriend, her family, same number of kids. So, busy house. Dsis sits me down just before she left and told me as nicely as possible that the food situation was a 'bit weird'. To give a bit of context , I was always overweight as a child and this continued into adulthood- really had to do portion control and had a personal trainer for a while to drop down a size. Anyway, I have two dds and definitely do not want them to be over weight. So, they get good healthy three meals a day but no snacks in between. I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask. Otherwise my dds get very upset when they are not allowed but others are. So I suppose I'm quite careful with adult portions of food now I've lost the weight- as has dh too- and I don't make piles of food when we have guests. Dsis basically told me that her dc were hungry and grumpy and that she hadn't had enough to eat and that it was weird that I offered so little food! She was nice about it but it's got me really quite worried- I offered guests and kids cereal for breakfast at sevenish, then nothing till lunch at 1 and then nothing till kids tea a 5 and adult dinner at 9Ish. Is that weird?

If it were me I would've gone out and bought me and the kids some food. If OP doesn't want her family snacking that's fine but I wouldn't think twice about providing some for my DC anyways.

This one has the potential to run and run. I feel for you OP. Yes, you weren't exactly the hostess with the mostest and yes, you may have some hang ups that get in the way of feasting, but 14 pages of, "Oh my God, I would have been hospitalised after a night at your house," seems a bit intense. I reckon all women are a bit weird about food. You know what to do next time.

Just because it's normal to give snacks doesn't mean its necessarily a good thing.

I went to primary school in the 60s - no snacks then, and we mostly walked or cycled to and from school. It's a modern thing to stuff constantly.

Problem is if that is what the guests are used to they will feel v hungry if they don't have snacks etc

There was a thread on here the other day, someone asking about feeding DCs French style ie very healthy 2/3 course meals and no snacks. This is normal in France so it is possible.

I would say you are doing a good job in feeding your DDs as you are. But maybe a healthy snack in the afternoon if they want it, not because they need it but so that they feel the same as their friends (eg if they go to visit)

I don't think that the kids had asked, I think that OP was talking about when her children's friends visit.

We aren't a snacky house, so there would only be fruit, yogurts & bread around.

I have to sat I wouldn't be doing a fry up for that amount of people of a morning.

Mind you I seem to be one of those odd adults that can eat cereal for breakfast & last until lunch!

If I had to go from lunch til 9pm without food I would be climbing the walls, and not be good company. Fine going without snacks but I know my limitations and I get cranky. TBH, with family I'd expect to be able to make a sandwich for self and DC if necessary though (and at friends as well actually!)

Thats fine if you choose to live like thatt. Mean and weird to treat guests like that. How old ate the children? My 2 and 6 year old would be very unhappy.

There's always the (very good) option of not coming to stay. I'd accommodate allergies and vegetarianism/vegan diet and/or any religious/cultural requirements

Marianne yes of course they could stay at a hotel instead... but what a shame if people feel they can't stay with you because they need to eat at regular intervals.
I'm genuinely interested why you feel you can't accommodate people who need regular snacks. Is it the extra food prep? The expense? Or you feel it's inconvenient? What if they were to prepare their own extra snacks? Or if they brought snacks with them and offered them round to other guests so you didn't need to do anything?
Many people eat small regular meals to keep their blood-sugar stable, or because they have digestive problems. If someone needed to eat every couple of hours because they were diabetic or had a digestive problem, would you feel differently about providing regular snacks/small meals during day? One of my best friends has IBS and can't eat large meals, she feels better eating regular small meals. It's no extra trouble to show her where things are kept and let her prepare food when she feels like it, and i try to get foods that are 'safe' for her. I'm currently pregnant and feel nauseous and dizzy if I don't eat every couple of hours. I have other friends who get light-headed between meals if they don't have a snack to boost blood sugar (they're not diabetic just prone to hypoglycaemia). I'm not sure why you view grazing as different to other dietary needs/choices, e.g. vegetarianism and religious requirements are also personal choices and trickier to accommodate than providing small regular snacks. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to find vegan alternatives for guests and incorporate them into a meal!

I think it's perfectly fine to feed your family how you see fit (though me and mine would be starving).

But to only offer guests meagre helpings! !

My view is that guests must be made to feel special and thus feasts are in order.

They are really little to be starved to wait. How old are your dcs?

NorahD, did you not have snacks? I was at school in the 60's and we had cooked breakfast, school milk and a school provided biscuit mid morning,school dinner - and I know we had a small snack when we got home, then dinner at 6ish. So not long gaps actually - what we didn't do was snack on the way to and from school, or after dinner, or whenever we fancied something - you did not help yourself!

I think if you are having people to stay it is usual to get extra stuff in "just in case" though, isn't it?

I've felt slightly uncomfortable if I've gone to stay places and they are absolutely constantly trying to feed me. Not just at conventional mealtimes but inbetween as well. (Have these chocolates/crisps. Oh go on. I bought them specially.)

If I am visiting friends it's to see them. To talk and catch up on their news. Maybe to go out and see places in the area as well. I enjoy food and talking over a meal is lovely. But for me maybe snacking and grazing is associated with boredom. It's what you do more when life is frankly a bit dull or you're feeling slightly low. So constantly wanting/expecting to be fed at somebody's house - to me- implies 'It's a bit boring here. I want more stimulus. Your house, your books, your children, your games and suggested actitvities, your music, your conversation and DVD collection. They're not enough.'

Obviously children need feeding more regularly and if a visitor was diabetic, I'd be mindful of their needs. Both offering them something more regularly and indicating that they must help themselves.

It maybe a slightly old-fashioned feeling that the 'proper' way to behave is to offer three meals plus something akin to afternoon tea, and that most civilised adults - unless they have medical needs - will have the maturity and flexibility to make the best of what's on offer and even show gratitude. It is - or was - a fairly normal way of eating and living.

I suspect that I'd put up with friends who have rather different needs - and were insistent on making those needs known - for a short period. But would be quite glad when they left!

Well if things were that bad, it's a shame that OPs sister didn't say something earlier.

It cuts both ways though, when I stay at my dsis I have to "remember" to eat some of the snacks on offer at 5 as we won't be eating till 9:30, whereas I would much rather not snack and just eat my evening meal at 6 or 7. I don't think she is rude for doing things her way in her own house. Similarly she has "mid morning" snacks around 11:30 then lunch not till 2, I'd rather have no snack and lunch at 12:30 or 1, but her house her rules.

So constantly wanting/expecting to be fed at somebody's house - to me- implies 'It's a bit boring here. I want more stimulus. Your house, your books, your children, your games and suggested actitvities, your music, your conversation and DVD collection. They're not enough.'

I find that a really odd attitude. It doesn't say any of those things. It says: I'm hungry. I can't eat your DVD collection, and I can't play with the children if I've had a bowl of cereal at dawn and then nothing else for many many hours!

I'm really sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, just your posts, but from what you have said it sounds like you have serious issues with food. I say this as someone who has suffered with an eating disorder in the past.

I am a healthy BMI and would actually feel faint going for so long without food. I'm an adult and therefore I can handle that, but there is no way that I would expect my child to go that long without food.

I'm really worried about your children picking up on these issues and would urge you to seek help from your GP.

I can tell that your sister meant well and spoke to you out of worry. It was no doubt a difficult conversation to have.

and tbh I am irritated by the constant grazing, no sooner have we cleared away breakfast (finished by 10, so cleared away and washed up by 10:30) than she is offering round fruit and biscuits. It feels like no one gets the chance to give their stomach or their tooth enamel a rest. So snacking can be just as annoying. For me 4 hours is the absolute minimum between meals I prefer 6 (or even 8) but I know this not typical.

I don't buy snack food (biscuits, crisps etc) and serve three healthy and very high quality meals per day, in quite generous quantities.

However, when I have visitors staying I stock up on all sorts of miscellaneous snacks and am constantly offering cups of tea with cake or biscuits and glasses of wine with olives and suchlike. Hospitality requires it!

Do you not do gouter Bonsoir?

It's really interesting how we associate food/snacking with different things. I never thought of grazing as being associated with boredom/feeling low but thinking about it, many people do snack to cheer themselves up and provide stimulus so I can understand where Marianne's coming from.
But I still don't understand is why it's a hassle to provide a few bowls of snacks or let people help themselves from kitchen in between meals. Why would you be glad when they left?

I suppose I associate food and grazing with company and conversation. I love preparing a meal as part of a big group, when everyone has a job to do and we sit around in kitchen chatting and nibbling and drinking wine. There's something bonding and social about communal cooking, even if it's just making a salad.

Marianne I do understand the feeling of having food forced on you or being nagged to eat snacks, I feel uncomfortable with that too (even though it's the norm in many cultures and I'm used to my relatives doing it!) That's why I like to leave variety snacks out and give guests free rein in kitchen. I prefer food to be unobtrusive and stress-free, so no-one feels hungry or pressured to eat.

Can't say I've ever felt my guests were ungrateful or uncivilised about food or mealtimes, even if they've been snacking and eat lightly at mealtimes, they seem appreciative. I don't mind how much people eat, sometimes they just have a tiny portion then come back for seconds/leftovers a few hours later. I wouldn't like any guest to feel they had to fill up during the set mealtime (or snack at a set time) for fear of going hungry later.

There are two issues. One is that the OP has a different eating style to her guests and didn't take that into consideration. The other is the possibility of disordered eating. And it's a possibility. However, I think the "my child is thin as a pencil and eats non stop" posts are a bit weird too. And there are plenty of thin kids who grow up to be fat.

And the I was starved by cruel parents and that led to eating disorders posts aren't really relevant here. It was one weekend.

OP, just do a big shop next time. And ask your guests what they would like. If in doubt, buy it. Get two of everything.

We don't snack here as a rule it's just something we never started with our dc. However there is always something that could be had as a snack crackers, cheese, fruit, yoghurt, bread etc if anyone wanted a snack and occasionally one or the other of us have a snack.
If my dsis visited I would buy extra snacks because I know her children have snacks between meals and if mine wanted to join them then that's fine too.
I also tend to serve food in dishes for people to help themselves to as I'm aware of differing appetites.
I think it sounds very controlling and not very welcoming as a hostess not to provide enough food for your guests. I'd imagine your dsis and her dc felt pretty uncomfortable if she eventually felt it necessary to raise it with you.
I'd be worried about the message you are giving your dc by being so restrictive one of my older ds's classmates ballooned once she had ability to buy her own treats. She was size 6 at 14 she's size 26 (at least) at 24.